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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Aibu to think this is too full on?

469 replies

Luckystars1 · 24/06/2021 04:12

Hi,

I met this guy about 6 years ago through a friend, who met as a group of us a few times and texted a bit but nothing happened between us, I never met him alone but it was clear he liked me, it was very brief and short lived though. we lost contact anyway and in that time he met somebody else and got engaged.

Fast forward to now he sent me a friend request on Facebook and sent me a message saying long time no speak. He explained that he’s no longer with his partner, went into detail about their nasty breakup etc and started being rude about her which I thought was inappropriate as I’d not seen him in years and I didn’t know her.

Then out of no where he put to me ‘you’re the one that got away’ ‘I always wanted you, you know I did’. We texted back and forth a bit and this is where it went from 0 to 100.

I told him I now have a 2 year old DD. He near enough straight away said ‘I’ll come up this week and meet her’ and he keeps asking about seeing me everyday. He says ‘come and see your man’

He told me he’s got cats and I said I’d love a cat if my Landlord would allow one he said ‘I’ll buy you a kitten if you’re allowed a pet’
He’s then gone on to say he’s got a caravan holiday booked at the seaside that he had booked in with his ex but he’s said me and DD can come with him ‘if we are lucky’. I didn’t say anything back to this and the next day he brought it up when I never agreed. ‘don’t forget you’re both coming away with me in October’

He also says things like ‘tell you’re landlord I’m moving in, I’ll get my bags packed’ I’d love to wake up to you every morning’ ‘you’d be lucky to have me, I’d always go out my way to put a smile on your face’ ‘I know how to spoil a woman’

Also I mentioned about a fishing lake near mine as he said he likes fishing and he put ‘you’re really making me want to marry you’

He said last night ‘he’s not stopped smiling since he messaged me and that he can’t stop thinking about me and it’s the happiest he’s felt in a long time. He put last night ‘I hope you’re thinking about me before you go to bed’

Aibu to think this is too full on? I’ve not seen him in 6 years and even then he barely knew me as we only spoke briefly and we’ve texted for only 2 days and he is saying all this among other things.

OP posts:
VodselForDinner · 24/06/2021 14:02

[quote Luckystars1]@VodselForDinner

Yes, two seperate men! The guy this post is about I haven’t seen in years and we were never close.[/quote]
What’s happening in your life that two men from your past got in touch within one day of each other?

Have you been contacting them first?

You mention that you’ve moved lately and it’s normal to feel lonely, but if that drives you to contact unsuitable men from your past, you really need to address what’s behind that before even contemplating a new relationship.

OurChristmasMiracle · 24/06/2021 14:03

@Luckystars1

Might be worth watching a bbc programme called “murdered by my boyfriend” and doing the freedom programme.

The moment he had said he wanted to come and meet my child at the weekend I would have been very firm and stated that wouldn’t be happening.

Honestly this man will if you allow this to continue, end up controlling your life and you will end up very abused.

BettysGotMoxie · 24/06/2021 14:05

He needs somewhere to live after his breakup and has decided you’re the lucky recipient of his cock lodging.

PurpleRainDancer · 24/06/2021 14:06

@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep

He sounds fucking terrifying Why on earth are you still entertaining this?
This....run
Beehappy21 · 24/06/2021 14:08

Block block block!! What a creep!

Luckystars1 · 24/06/2021 14:09

@VodselForDinner

Well my ex partner has been in contact with me a few times. He messaged me back in October and December last year as well telling me he still thinks about me. He got back in contact again this week and It was only now I considered messaging him back because I’ve felt really alone especially since moving out of my parents but realised that now it’s a bad idea.

The guy the post is about, was a random out the blue friend request on Facebook which I accepted then he messaged me on there straight away. He claims I came up in his friend suggestions but I don’t know if this is true or wether he searched my name.

OP posts:
Still1nLove · 24/06/2021 14:09

He is either delusional or manipulative. Have you spoken to him on the phone?

BurningBright · 24/06/2021 14:11

@Luckystars1

Ok so I’ve just gone back into the chat. Didn’t reply to his previous messages. I am trying to think of what to say before I block.

He’s sent this message ‘you will see me won’t you? If not I’ll have to put your flowers in the bin’

Oh dear!

Try this:

You seem to think I'm looking for a romantic relationship. I'm not. This is starting to make me uncomfortable, so I'm going to stop chatting now.

And block.

Luckystars1 · 24/06/2021 14:12

@Still1nLove

No I haven’t spoke to him over the phone, although he has mentioned wanting to call me a few times

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 24/06/2021 14:13

@Luckystars1

Ok so I’ve just gone back into the chat. Didn’t reply to his previous messages. I am trying to think of what to say before I block.

He’s sent this message ‘you will see me won’t you? If not I’ll have to put your flowers in the bin’

Oh dear!

So, still unblocked, & still sending transparently manipulative bullshit?

Send this, OP:

"It was nice to catch up informally with you in our group of old friends, but we barely know each other & I'm finding these intense messages overwhelming.
I think you need time as a single man to get over your ex, & am not interested in having a relationship with you.
We are barely acquaintances, & your offers of instant romance, holidays, kittens & flowers are unasked for & intrusive & I am feeling harrrassed by your demands to meet.
I'm going to wish you well & ask you to stop messaging now, as I do not want to maintain contact with you.

Kind regards
Luckystars"

He will react badly, with anger, more manipulation, & more demands for your attention.
So the very next message you see from him - BLOCK WITHOUT RESPONSE.

Your final message to him (use the above or something very like it) MUST name his behaviours, & MUST contain an unambiguous statement that you want him to STOP messaging.

This is vital to you for legal protection if he refuses to accept your wish to stop contact. It needs to have been stated, in writing, in order for you to be given the protections the police will definitely offer you should Dickwad choose to continue harrassing you.

Lennon80 · 24/06/2021 14:14

He’s scary as fuck! Blatant personality disorder. Block him immediately. I don’t understand how people can’t see blatant red flags!

Still1nLove · 24/06/2021 14:14

I would be worried about him being ‘set off’ by rejection, he is very full on. I agree with pp that I would message him and say something along the lines of, “it has been nice to talk to you but I’m not looking for a relationship, take care of yourself and I hope you find someone nice”.
I wouldn’t block him at first, see how he takes it first

PromTwink · 24/06/2021 14:15

@Luckystars1

Hi everyone,

Just read through the replies.

Just posting an update I woke up to a message earlier saying ‘morning beautiful, I hope you slept well or was you all up night thinking about me?’ then went on to say how he hates waking up alone and misses having someone to hold.

He doesn’t know where exactly where I live but he knows which area.

Vom.

Block him op. He sounds like an absolute creep.

ClawedButler · 24/06/2021 14:16

I think @BurningBright has it. Nice, short, clear message, then block.

If he finds another way to contact you after that, you have reason to contact the police. Something very similar happened to a friend of mine and she contacted the police when he started calling her on different numbers. They had a serious word with him and he stopped.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 24/06/2021 14:17

He's way OTT, and his approach doesn't make him sound like good relationship material (that's putting it mildly). He's absolutely covered in red flags!

However.... you haven't really said whether you like him or not. Do you? If not, why on earth are you entertaining him? Is it low self-esteem?

You don't have to give your time and attention to every random guy that says he likes you. You are allowed to be choosy about who you spend your energy on.

FuckyouCovid21 · 24/06/2021 14:18

Well we all think he's a dick but in theory he's doing nothing wrong because it appears that OP is encouraging it

PromTwink · 24/06/2021 14:18

I'd respond

"Look, I'm really not comfortable with many of your comments. You don't really know me, and you are becoming far too familiar and presumptive. I think we should end our conversation here. Take care"

Then block.

unwuthering · 24/06/2021 14:19

And he is not the last man on earth, or the 'last chance' for you.

He's just caught you at a vulnerable time, feeling a bit lonely and displaced, and inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. Trust your feelings. His behaviour is beyond creepy.

ChargingBuck · 24/06/2021 14:20

@Still1nLove

I would be worried about him being ‘set off’ by rejection, he is very full on. I agree with pp that I would message him and say something along the lines of, “it has been nice to talk to you but I’m not looking for a relationship, take care of yourself and I hope you find someone nice”. I wouldn’t block him at first, see how he takes it first
Unfortunately, this won't work. Gentle explanations only work for reasonable people. This is how reasonable people get caught up in abusive nets - they make the mistake of assessing manipulative people according to their own good standards.

He will come back with "but I just want to be FRIENDS. Why are you being so MEAN?" & quickly degenerate into "You're not such hot stuff anyway, who do you think you are"

OP doesn't need to be dealing with that.

Funfortheroad · 24/06/2021 14:22

He's scary and he's a danger to your daughter.

Please reply clearly and bluntly.

Hi (Creeper). I'm sorry I've let it get this far - I should have told you from the start that I'm not interested in getting involved with you. I barely know you and your contact has been really intense and inappropriate. Please don't contact me again.
Thanks, X

ChunkyKitKat123 · 24/06/2021 14:22

If you hadn't mentioned his age I'd have thought this was en ex I dated a while ago, briefly. It went from normal, early days stuff to him pestering me to move in with him and taking about having a baby together, all within a month of dating. He was also bigging himself up all the time and used a lot of the same language as your guy. It's like they're all following the same script! Probably learned from some "pick-up artist" on the Internet.
I was young and in a bad place emotionally so dated him for 6 months but luckily saw sense in the end and binned him off. He carried on messaging me for months but eventually got bored when I ignored him.
Later I found out he already has a child that he doesn't see and had harassed another ex and gone to her house threatening to kill himself. I had a lucky escape but it could've ended up ruining my life if I'd entertained his nonsense.

Honestly, these types of men look for vulnerable women, if you're a single mum with a history of bad relationships then he'll have had you marked out as easy prey and will try every trick in the book to trap you. Block, move on and whatever you do don't give him your address!

1forAll74 · 24/06/2021 14:26

He sounds like a very sad and deluded person. Refrain from talking about any personal things,like cats,and fishing lakes etc,or better still,don't communicate at all. The worst thing,would be to tell him where you live. He sounds delusional, but for all you know, he could be dangerous,and his words to you are quite creepy, and dodgy after all this time.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 24/06/2021 14:27

Ugh ugh ugh - please just block him on everything.

Don't even bother to respond any more - you're just leaving the door open for him.

He's got abusive cocklodger written all over him - desperate for somewhere to live, a woman to look after him, and thinks that because you're young and with a baby, you'll be desperate too and will put up with any old shit to keep a man.

Blocking him without responding further will send him the strongest message that you are NOT that person. And he will move on and find a new victim.

If you try to be at all conciliatory, he WILL see it as a chance for him and will push back - like the proverbial foot in the door, he will keep leaning on that door until it opens up, so slam it shut now.

Mulhollandmagoo · 24/06/2021 14:27

@Funfortheroad

He's scary and he's a danger to your daughter.

Please reply clearly and bluntly.

Hi (Creeper). I'm sorry I've let it get this far - I should have told you from the start that I'm not interested in getting involved with you. I barely know you and your contact has been really intense and inappropriate. Please don't contact me again.
Thanks, X

I think this is a really good message! but you have had lots of suggestions, pick one and send it before he steps it up again!!!
Henneypenny7 · 24/06/2021 14:29

Change cats for dogs and this could be my ex 🤣🤣