Aibu to think this is too full on?

[Luckystars1]

Hi,

I met this guy about 6 years ago through a friend, who met as a group of us a few times and texted a bit but nothing happened between us, I never met him alone but it was clear he liked me, it was very brief and short lived though. we lost contact anyway and in that time he met somebody else and got engaged.

Fast forward to now he sent me a friend request on Facebook and sent me a message saying long time no speak. He explained that he’s no longer with his partner, went into detail about their nasty breakup etc and started being rude about her which I thought was inappropriate as I’d not seen him in years and I didn’t know her.

Then out of no where he put to me ‘you’re the one that got away’ ‘I always wanted you, you know I did’. We texted back and forth a bit and this is where it went from 0 to 100.

I told him I now have a 2 year old DD. He near enough straight away said ‘I’ll come up this week and meet her’ and he keeps asking about seeing me everyday. He says ‘come and see your man’

He told me he’s got cats and I said I’d love a cat if my Landlord would allow one he said ‘I’ll buy you a kitten if you’re allowed a pet’
He’s then gone on to say he’s got a caravan holiday booked at the seaside that he had booked in with his ex but he’s said me and DD can come with him ‘if we are lucky’. I didn’t say anything back to this and the next day he brought it up when I never agreed. ‘don’t forget you’re both coming away with me in October’

He also says things like ‘tell you’re landlord I’m moving in, I’ll get my bags packed’ I’d love to wake up to you every morning’ ‘you’d be lucky to have me, I’d always go out my way to put a smile on your face’ ‘I know how to spoil a woman’

Also I mentioned about a fishing lake near mine as he said he likes fishing and he put ‘you’re really making me want to marry you’

He said last night ‘he’s not stopped smiling since he messaged me and that he can’t stop thinking about me and it’s the happiest he’s felt in a long time. He put last night ‘I hope you’re thinking about me before you go to bed’

Aibu to think this is too full on? I’ve not seen him in 6 years and even then he barely knew me as we only spoke briefly and we’ve texted for only 2 days and he is saying all this among other things.

@Luckystars1

Everybody is right about the self esteem issue, I’ve never really had a healthy stable relationship, I allow men to walk all over me.

This is very relatable, to me anyway. And often men like your red flag dickhead seem to be able to sniff out women like yourself (history of unhealthy relationships) a mile away.

Worth pointing out that you yourself had your doubts already and basically everyone on here has agreed he’s bad news. That’s a good thing.

@Luckystars1 Contact the police station where he lives, tell them he is scaring you and use Claire's Law.

Yikes you need to block him like yesterday! He sounds dangerous, please for you and your daughters safety stop communicating with him!

@Luckystars1

There is another few comments he has made that I forgot to mention. scaffolding has gone up on the house because the Landlord is having a new roof done. I told him that the scaffolders were here and he put ‘I bet they’re not as good looking as me’. So he clearly thinks highly of himself.

He asked me about my DDs dad and how long I’ve been single, I didn’t give much away as I didn’t think it was his business but he said to me ‘you don’t need any one else now anyway, you’ve got me’

He also been saying ‘you need a man about the house’ so yes I think he does want somewhere to live as he keeps mentioning the moving in thing

I don’t know why I have been giving him my time to even respond.

Glad you can see through his nonsense. I loved a PP saying he’s a Hobosexual - looking for a woman to house him 😂

Block him and carry on with your day unimpeded by his bullshit.

Classic 'Nice Guy' behaviour. Block, get rid, as I assure you the second you tell him you aren't interested he will get nasty, it's almost like a script. If you feel in danger at any point, please call someone you trust.

this is sooo crazy dont even thinking about to introduce your dd this crazy ass. he comes from nowehere and talking big like this planning holidays i would just run away . maybe he trying to proof his ex something

I actually felt ill reading this. He sounds absolutely horrific, unwell, unstable, narcissistic, over bearing and stifling. I could not stand to have him anywhere near me. Block on all platforms and thank your lucky starts that he doesn't know where you live. I'm baffled as to why you have responded to any of his drivel.

This sounds very like a situation I've had recently with a 'blast from the past'.

I knew him better initially - we volunteered for a charity together and were friendly for 2 or 3 years, lost touch then reconnected through FB several years ago.

Since my marriage broke down he's had phases of being really full on with messaging...usually when he senses a vulnerability. I genuinely think he has a bit of Knight in shining armour complex but it's been 25-odd years since we met and afaic he doesn't actually know me any more.

I tried gentle brush offs, then asking him politely but firmly to give me some space (my dad had just died and he was insisting he should come over, wanted to bring flowers etc etc).

Even after than he texted me 3x the following day. I messaged back alluding to the fact I was seeing someone (I'm not) and blocked him from Messenger.

The guy you're talking about sounds considerably worse...tbh. I'd back right off, make sure your social media is watertight and absolutely do not give him your address or personal contact details.

If he's still pestering after a few days, block him.

• stars

I bet that if you send him a message saying it's intense / creepy and you're not interested he will turn nasty in about 5 seconds

@ChargingBuck do not speak to me like that. Who the hell do you think you are telling me to wake up? If you don’t agree with me that’s fine. No need to be a total arsehole

[quote Dita73]@ChargingBuck do not speak to me like that. Who the hell do you think you are telling me to wake up? If you don’t agree with me that’s fine. No need to be a total arsehole[/quote]
Me to my dad when he would try to wake me up at 8am after a night out

He's acting like he knows you even though you'd never even met him alone.

He's clearly on the rebound - he had a crush on you in the past and now he wants a full on relationship even though he hasn't seen you in 6 years? He doesn't know you, and I don't think it's a good idea getting to know him either.

He's rude about his ex, and from what you're saying it sounds likely that he's the problem rather than her.

"Come and see your man"? Seriously? He's calling himself "your man" and offering to come and meet your 2 year old already? No thanks. Keep him away from your child.

He wants to take you on a holiday he had booked with your ex "if you're lucky"? Again, no thanks. He's pretty much trying to force you to come away with him. And wants you to tell your landlord he's moving in? This is just scary!

If any guy said to me "you'd be lucky to have me" that's probably the biggest turn off ever.

And this is all in only 2 days? Fuck, I'd be scared. This guy sounds very controlling and I'd be telling him not to contact me again or I'd be blocking his number. I hope you haven't told him where you live?

I bet that if you send him a message saying it's intense / creepy and you're not interested he will turn nasty in about 5 seconds

Yes! He sounds like a scary man to be around, don't mention anything more about your house, scaffolders etc that may identify your house to him.

Also please do block him, immediately. You are dodging a bullet.

@Luckystars1

Everybody is right about the self esteem issue, I’ve never really had a healthy stable relationship, I allow men to walk all over me.

NOT ANY MORE YOU DON'T.

Freedom programme and block this scary twat.

Yes you’re right about that, I didn’t think about it. He knows the area, about the fishing lake near by, scaffolding.

Even if he's genuine & not a total fruitcake his terrible grammar would have me running for the hills

Well done for listening to your instincts. Run! Others with more experience than me could probably advise whether to send him a message before you block as he may get quite angry if you just block. He does sound v unhinged.

Thinking about it a bit more, there are men who just have no clue, who think this is lovely, or romantic, but unfortunately for him, you are not going to be the one to work it out on.

Whether he’s dangerous, or dim, I don’t think you want either shinning up your scaffolding (as it were).

I met a man like this once. Run like the fucking wind!!!

Well done OP for seeing the signs and being prepared to walk away.

@Bluedeblue

I actually felt ill reading this. He sounds absolutely horrific, unwell, unstable, narcissistic, over bearing and stifling. I could not stand to have him anywhere near me. Block on all platforms and thank your lucky starts that he doesn't know where you live. I'm baffled as to why you have responded to any of his drivel.

This - exactly! Block him. Do not respond - give him no further details. He sounds completely unhinged and deranged - he actually thinks this is how women want to be treated - dickhead.

@Luckystars1

Everybody is right about the self esteem issue, I’ve never really had a healthy stable relationship, I allow men to walk all over me.

Of course we are Luckystars. PP's posting here have decades of collective experience, some of it specialist. Now, once you've sent a final short, sharp message & blocked this dickwad's arse, what are you going to do about your tendency to get walked over?

If you want to be really kind to yourself, you could create a mini-training course. There is a lot of help out there, & if you commit to chasing it up & doing the homework, you could emerge as a much more confident & savvy woman in a year or 2.

Suggested course:

1. STAY SINGLE & CELIBATE FOR 12 MONTHS while you focus entirely on yourself, your DD, your wellbeing, & your attitude to relationships

2. Sign up to this, & commit to it
   www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/search2.php

3. Doing the Freedom Programme will open your eyes, give you a toolkit, & guide/prepare you toward further counselling.
   Access counselling via your GP, or www.womensaid.org.uk/ , or private if you have the funds.
   You need to spend some time with a supportive expert with whom you can safely explore what the issues are with your self esteem, & what has caused you to be so intensely vulnerable to predatory people & unhealthy relationships.
   I would hazard that you had a difficult time as a child, & experienced either overwhelming or neglectful parenting. This will have left you with some dysfunctional notions about relationships, boundaries, & how to look after yourself properly.

4. Bedtime reading -
   www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

5. Reading strictly NOT for bedtime - as some of the anecdotal content is unsettling, but I urge you to READ THIS.
   Lundy Bancroft has pretty much written a Bible on the abuses women suffer, the patterns that each sad case inevitably follows, how to spot & avoid manipulation & abuse in future, & writes in a clear, supportive & educational style.
   www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=sr_1_2?dchild=1&s=books&keywords=why+does+he+do+that&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1624533040&sr=1-2

6. The video sound isn't great quality, but have a quick read of the text below it. Can you see how EXACTLY your Mr Dickwad mirrors the tactics used in the metaphor? Dickwad has been testing your boundaries (your Shark Cage) with every crass assumptive statement he made to you. You need to learn how to recognise this bullshit immediately, & learn how to shut it down.
   www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

Oh - & well done for posting in the first place. You see - you DO have the right instincts.
You just supressed them because you felt that Dickwad's feelings were more important than yours. You can stop that, & the points made above will give you the tools & confidence to do so.

He also been saying ‘you need a man about the house’ so yes I think he does want somewhere to live as he keeps mentioning the moving in thing

Do you know where he is actually living at the moment?
Is he still with the ex and has a certain amount of time to find a new place. The entire thing stinks of hobosexuality - needs a place to live therefore love bombs first woman he can think of in order to cover his housing needs.

[quote Dita73]@ChargingBuck do not speak to me like that. Who the hell do you think you are telling me to wake up? If you don’t agree with me that’s fine. No need to be a total arsehole[/quote]
I think I'm me, Dita & I think your "advice" to the OP was misplaced & dangerous.

There's only one arsehole in this thread, & it's OP's batshit stalker.