To be upset about crap birthday gifts from friends?

[AMidsummerNight]

Short version: I am in a tight group of four friends and we do joint presents. Mine always cost less and are crappy whereas theirs are always really good, and I have to pay for them.

For Context:
We have been friends as a group of four, for 3 years. We met through work. They were all friends with each other before I joined the group, they lived together in a flat for a year before I got close with them. I spent a lot of time at their flat for girls nights and we also had a lot of nights out together. Friend C has now moved out of the flat and has her own place in another part of the UK. I am now living elsewhere so there's just Friend A and B still in the flat together. We don't meet up as a group very often anymore. They are my closest friends, but it can't be denied that they are closer to each other than they are with me (probably because they knew each other before and have lived with each other/are still living with each other)

For our birthdays we do group presents - so the other three all chip in for the fourth person's present. There is always a group chat created to discuss what present we are getting and how much we each need to pay towards it. I have a lot less money than all three of them but always pay whatever is needed, even if it's difficult. Every year I am part of three group 'birthday' chats on FB to discuss what we are buying for the 'birthday girl'. I never usually get a say in what is bought because the other two always come in with ideas from the start, based on what they know the person will want because of what they have said they want, or seem to need. I always feel a bit left out and useless because I don't live with them/haven't known them as long and so don't know what they have said/hinted at. This means that I just have to say 'yes that sounds good' and then pay whatever my share of the price works out to be.

I have noticed that each year I am always the one who has the least spent on me. I know this from googling what my gift cost, or just knowing the price. Due to Covid preventing us all from meeting up and all living in different parts of the country, I haven't yet had my birthday present from last November. The plan is to all meet up next month for a group birthday celebration and exchanging of presents that three of us haven't yet had. So I don't yet know what my present for this year is, but the last two years my gifts from all three of them were:

Year one: A bottle of pink gin, a bottle of (cheap) wine, box of Ferrero Rocher and a mini bag of Thornton's chocolates. Can't have been more than about 30 pounds. Meaning about 10 pounds each.
Year two: A small bottle of organic gin liquor and a few packs of socks from Primark...I googled the exact gin and found that it was 10 pounds. The packs of socks can't have been more than 20 pounds altogether. So that's 30, again about 10 pounds each (and that's being generous because the socks might not have been that much.)

As I said, I still don't know what my gift from last year is and will find out next month. Because their birthdays all fall earlier in the year than mine, I have now paid towards presents for all three of them, for three years. All of them have worked out as a minimum of 15 pounds per person, sometimes a lot more. In 2019 the long list of presents for friend A came to around 70 pounds, which I think was about 23 pounds per person. She got really expensive Ciroc vodka, perfume, jewellery etc...this year she is getting new trainers, an ear ring hanger and a personalised mug. Last year she got a Onesie that cost 70 pounds. Friend B has had coffee from Whittards 'because she loves it', books that she likes, clothes, perfume....Friend C has had a really expensive, fancy bra and a canvas painting of her favourite piece of artwork. Friend A in 2019 was the most expensive and I don't think it was fair to any of the other three of us because none of us have ever had 70 pounds worth of presents. But all of their presents have always been 15, 16, 17, or even 23 pounds each. While my two cannot have been more than 10 each, if not less than that.

It's not just about the money. It's that my presents have always been the generic alcohol and chocolates, whereas theirs have always been more thought out items that they know the person wants. I know that the three of them have known each other longer and are therefore closer/perhaps know more what they want/more inclined to spend money on each other, but I do talk to all of them every day, we have a group chat...and I have mentioned authors that I love and things I would love to buy but can't afford (which is usually how they decide on presents for each other). They know that I love books by Sophie Kinsella and that there a few new ones out that I don't yet have, they know that I want the full set of The Lord of The Rings and Harry Potter, they know that I love candles and have wanted a nail set for ages but would never justify buying it for myself. Yet all I've had is alcohol and chocolates that cannot have come to more than 10 pounds per person. And three years in a row I have been paying out amounts like 15, 17, 23 for each of them to have thoughtful presents.

The celebrations are not equal either. For Friend A's birthday in 2019, as well as all the presents totalling 70 pounds, we went to a really posh cocktail bar, then an escape room and then back to the flat for takeaway. All had to be paid for by ourselves and I wasn't even asked about the escape room. The three of them agreed on it between them and I just got a message from Friend B saying 'I paid for your escape room ticket so you owe me 16 pounds'. I couldn't actually afford it at the time but couldn't really decline in that situation. I've always been of the opinion that if you want to do something for your birthday that your guests are expected to pay for, you need to check with them first before going ahead and booking it and then demanding money.

My partner, mother and other friends have said I need to tell this group of friends that I no longer want to join in with the group birthday presents. They think I'm being taken advantage of. I've been trying to work out for a while now what's happening - whether it's a conscious, deliberate thing to spend less on me or whether it's simply a case of not knowing what to get me and just going with the cheap/easy options. Even then, if it were me I would be saying 'ok so we have no idea what she really wants but she has paid a lot towards all of our expensive presents so let's get her the BEST chocolates and the BEST gin we possibly can, and throw in some perfume and smellies to make it up to the amount that we always have spent on us'.

My partner and others think I should just end this friendship. But I'm torn. I don't know whether I'm just being vain. So...I need other opinions. AIBU to be upset about the gift situation and if my gift for this year isn't decent, tell them I'm opting out of the group present buying?

I stopped when you said you checked how much your presents cost 😂😂

You seem to know the price of everything and the value of nothing, as my Nan used to say.

You all need to 'get a life' and stop buying Birthday presents...they are for kids especially if they cause this much grief.

@WithANameLikeDaniCalifornia

@AZisgreat

You all need to 'get a life' and stop buying Birthday presents...they are for kids especially if they cause this much grief.

Her birthday present was Gin. I don't think it's appropriate to give that to kids.

I have four friends that I buy presents for . I spend anything between £15 or £50 ..it just depends on so many reasons..stop worrying 💐

The mistake here is the lack of budget. We used to do a secret Santa type present so one person would buy for one other person but a larger budget as you were buying once not 5 times. And it was a set budget. Everyone got the same spent on them. We don't do it now there's lots of kids but assume we will for the upcoming special birthdays and again, it will be an agreed upon budget based on affordability across v different salaries and lifestyles

I would wait for the general celebration and see what happens. It will be really obvious if someone pulls out a £75 pair of shoes say and you've got a box of dairy milk and a bottle of cheap gin.

I'm not sure your friendship will survive the fallout but that might not be the worst thing.

OP you’ve already told us the other 3 know each other longer than you, and have lived together, that’s a lot of shared history, I think that warrants spending a bit more on each other in the joint gift stakes, do you really expect you should be treated exactly equally having only known them 3 years?
They have become your closest friends in that time so I presume they make you feel valued and you get a lot from the friendship in other ways?
You will feel more secure in the friendship group over time, but you need to stop forensically analysing your place in it- Googling the price of gifts for example isn’t great.

@Summersun2020

I really expected to take your side here to be honest, but you’re coming across as so petty. I expected a huge difference financially but the difference between 10 or 15 pounds is neither here nor there. They’re not leaving you out as you get a gift every year. I think you feel like the odd one out in this group so are projecting your feelings to the gift situation.

Absolutely everything @Summersun2020 said. I assumed it was going to be a huge difference. The fact you’re googling how much your presents cost is really odd.

Are you the only one with winter birthday in November? It can be difficult time as people are Christmas shopping. Also if they don't see you that often they do ably don't know you very well.

Just opt out or say you can only put £10 in

@NCwhatsmynameagain

OP you’ve already told us the other 3 know each other longer than you, and have lived together, that’s a lot of shared history, I think that warrants spending a bit more on each other in the joint gift stakes, do you really expect you should be treated exactly equally having only known them 3 years? They have become your closest friends in that time so I presume they make you feel valued and you get a lot from the friendship in other ways? You will feel more secure in the friendship group over time, but you need to stop forensically analysing your place in it- Googling the price of gifts for example isn’t great.

If 3 friends want to spend more on each other because they care more about each other, they shouldn't be expecting a fourth friend to subsidise it. Either they don't include op and she buys everyone their own present and vice versa, or op puts in less and they add something on

Not sure I have any advice, but I do sympathise with you - getting generic presents when the others have thoughtful gifts is upsetting. This is far more upsetting than the actual amount spent.

I think this hits the nail on the head. It's the thought that counts, not the money.

@gamerchick

I read a bit. Sorry OP.

Dislodge yourself from the current arrangement. Tell them you can only chip on a tenner from now on if it's bothering you this much.

This...

they are DICKS

I haven't read the thread, but I came in expecting to say YANBU, but instead I'm coming away saying, yes, actually you are.
You google the price of the presents they get you?
Why would you do that?
Also, you say they don't know you as well. So surely it makes sense to fall back on generic type items like gin and chocolates?
Not wanting the BEST gin and the BEST chocolate, comes across as a bit grabby, sorry.

Step away from the gift circle. You are BU , but mainly what's the actual point?

I agree you are putting a lot of thought into the amount spent on gifts and you need to consider the value of the friendships more generally.

Just wanted to reply/clarify a few things...

There's been a few people replying without reading my full post. I don't see the point in you replying if you haven't read everything and fully understood the details?

I am googling the price of gifts because they were quite clearly cheaper than the others. I didn't need to google them to see that the other gifts were so much more expensive. I'm not just googling them for the sake of it.

A lot of people seem caught up in this idea that the prices are not that different - '10 vs 15 pounds.' But when I said 15, I meant that theirs are always a MINIMUM of 15. There's three people that I've been paying for, for three years. That's six gifts. They have been a range of amounts, the very lowest being 15 but some have often been a lot higher. Mine have only ever been 10 or less.

Again, it's less about the money and more about the lack of thought. I know they have known each other longer, but as I said it's really not like they don't know what I would want for presents. I have dropped hints, mentioned things that I'm into, mentioned that I want X but can't afford it....Still I just get alcohol and chocolates while they get really personal, thoughtful gifts that happen to cost a lot more and I have to pay towards them.

Someone said that I shouldn't expect to be treated the same as the rest of them if they are closer to each other than they are to me, and of course they will spend more on each other...fair enough, but I'm paying for their more expensive gifts. They wouldn't be able to buy each other such expensive gifts if I wasn't contributing. I'm not getting the same back. So how is that fair?

Last year I did actually say to two of them that I was finding it hard financially and could we maybe get a cheaper gift that just worked out to 10 pounds per person? The response from the other two was 'we'll cover you, don't worry. Just put in 10 and we'll cover the rest' because they were set on buying her an expensive gift. But that made me feel awkward and like the gift would be more from them than me. So I ended up saying that I would just pay the full amount. I don't know why they had to insist on getting an expensive present for Friend A, after I said I was struggling with money and could we keep it simple, when my presents are always cheap.

@Summersun2020

I really expected to take your side here to be honest, but you’re coming across as so petty. I expected a huge difference financially but the difference between 10 or 15 pounds is neither here nor there. They’re not leaving you out as you get a gift every year. I think you feel like the odd one out in this group so are projecting your feelings to the gift situation.

I agree with this. It seems extremely petty over what, £15/20 discrepancy over a year? It's irrelevant. I do sympathise with the point about presents being less thoughtful but perhaps that's because they don't know you so well? You say you never know what the others would like and go along with the suggestions of the others, so perhaps they feel the same about you? Googling presents to see what they cost seems crass.

I wonder whether you're projecting as you feel slightly on the outside of the group. But anyway, I wouldn't be considering sabotaging relationships with people you describe as your closest friends over such tiny amounts of money, that's bonkers.

It's the lack of thought put into the gifts, though. I had a similar thing happen to me at uni with three 'friends' that were all closer to each other than they are to me. It hurt.

OP, time to loosen the ties with these particular friends, I think, and definitely time to opt out of the gift exchange. You don't have to let them keep treating you as 'less than' - I think you should empower yourself to walk away and start investing in (or building) friendships with people who value you more.

There's been a few people replying without reading my full post. I don't see the point in you replying if you haven't read everything and fully understood the details?

I did read your post if I'm in there, I just meant I hadn't read the replies from other posters.
My point still stands

Last year I did actually say to two of them that I was finding it hard financially and could we maybe get a cheaper gift that just worked out to 10 pounds per person? The response from the other two was 'we'll cover you, don't worry. Just put in 10 and we'll cover the rest' because they were set on buying her an expensive gift. But that made me feel awkward and like the gift would be more from them than me

So they basically can't win then?
They sound like they're being nice about it when you said you can't afford it, but you're uncomfortable if they put towards for you.
Sounds like you need to step away from group gift buying, just get one of your own.

Did you post this a year ago only seem to remember this thread?

@Pixxie7

Did you post this a year ago only seem to remember this thread?

I thought it familiar too 🤔🌸

Quaggars - my point was that they insisted on getting expensive present for Friend A even though I had said I couldn't afford it, but when it comes to mine they seemingly don't have the money available to spend.

Pixxie7 - no this is the first time I've posted about them. It's good to know someone put there clearly had a similar problem though...!

Can't remember who it was but someone asked whether I was the only winter birthday. No. One of the other girls is in December. Very close to xmas. And consistently has more spent on her than me and more thoughtful/personal presents.

I am starting to think that there are underlying issues in the friendship. I don't feel included, feel very much the outsider and maybe the presents are just a representation of that...maybe they are going to get each other better presents if they feel closer to each other and I need to accept that. I still don't think it's fair that I pay towards them though.

So you have got a group of people who’ve welcomed you into their exiting group, include you in socialising, included you in daily text chat, included you in birthday celebrations, and buy birthday presents for you …. and you’re complaining…?

You are new to this old, established, close group of friends. Who, until recently, all lived together.

I think you’d be getting a lot more satisfaction and joy from life if you focused, for a second, on how included you’ve been.

Instead of how much less per/head is being spent on your present.

This is making you happy? Really…?

Seriously - segue out of the group, and leave them to it. For their benefit.