To be upset about crap birthday gifts from friends?

[AMidsummerNight]

Short version: I am in a tight group of four friends and we do joint presents. Mine always cost less and are crappy whereas theirs are always really good, and I have to pay for them.

For Context:
We have been friends as a group of four, for 3 years. We met through work. They were all friends with each other before I joined the group, they lived together in a flat for a year before I got close with them. I spent a lot of time at their flat for girls nights and we also had a lot of nights out together. Friend C has now moved out of the flat and has her own place in another part of the UK. I am now living elsewhere so there's just Friend A and B still in the flat together. We don't meet up as a group very often anymore. They are my closest friends, but it can't be denied that they are closer to each other than they are with me (probably because they knew each other before and have lived with each other/are still living with each other)

For our birthdays we do group presents - so the other three all chip in for the fourth person's present. There is always a group chat created to discuss what present we are getting and how much we each need to pay towards it. I have a lot less money than all three of them but always pay whatever is needed, even if it's difficult. Every year I am part of three group 'birthday' chats on FB to discuss what we are buying for the 'birthday girl'. I never usually get a say in what is bought because the other two always come in with ideas from the start, based on what they know the person will want because of what they have said they want, or seem to need. I always feel a bit left out and useless because I don't live with them/haven't known them as long and so don't know what they have said/hinted at. This means that I just have to say 'yes that sounds good' and then pay whatever my share of the price works out to be.

I have noticed that each year I am always the one who has the least spent on me. I know this from googling what my gift cost, or just knowing the price. Due to Covid preventing us all from meeting up and all living in different parts of the country, I haven't yet had my birthday present from last November. The plan is to all meet up next month for a group birthday celebration and exchanging of presents that three of us haven't yet had. So I don't yet know what my present for this year is, but the last two years my gifts from all three of them were:

Year one: A bottle of pink gin, a bottle of (cheap) wine, box of Ferrero Rocher and a mini bag of Thornton's chocolates. Can't have been more than about 30 pounds. Meaning about 10 pounds each.
Year two: A small bottle of organic gin liquor and a few packs of socks from Primark...I googled the exact gin and found that it was 10 pounds. The packs of socks can't have been more than 20 pounds altogether. So that's 30, again about 10 pounds each (and that's being generous because the socks might not have been that much.)

As I said, I still don't know what my gift from last year is and will find out next month. Because their birthdays all fall earlier in the year than mine, I have now paid towards presents for all three of them, for three years. All of them have worked out as a minimum of 15 pounds per person, sometimes a lot more. In 2019 the long list of presents for friend A came to around 70 pounds, which I think was about 23 pounds per person. She got really expensive Ciroc vodka, perfume, jewellery etc...this year she is getting new trainers, an ear ring hanger and a personalised mug. Last year she got a Onesie that cost 70 pounds. Friend B has had coffee from Whittards 'because she loves it', books that she likes, clothes, perfume....Friend C has had a really expensive, fancy bra and a canvas painting of her favourite piece of artwork. Friend A in 2019 was the most expensive and I don't think it was fair to any of the other three of us because none of us have ever had 70 pounds worth of presents. But all of their presents have always been 15, 16, 17, or even 23 pounds each. While my two cannot have been more than 10 each, if not less than that.

It's not just about the money. It's that my presents have always been the generic alcohol and chocolates, whereas theirs have always been more thought out items that they know the person wants. I know that the three of them have known each other longer and are therefore closer/perhaps know more what they want/more inclined to spend money on each other, but I do talk to all of them every day, we have a group chat...and I have mentioned authors that I love and things I would love to buy but can't afford (which is usually how they decide on presents for each other). They know that I love books by Sophie Kinsella and that there a few new ones out that I don't yet have, they know that I want the full set of The Lord of The Rings and Harry Potter, they know that I love candles and have wanted a nail set for ages but would never justify buying it for myself. Yet all I've had is alcohol and chocolates that cannot have come to more than 10 pounds per person. And three years in a row I have been paying out amounts like 15, 17, 23 for each of them to have thoughtful presents.

The celebrations are not equal either. For Friend A's birthday in 2019, as well as all the presents totalling 70 pounds, we went to a really posh cocktail bar, then an escape room and then back to the flat for takeaway. All had to be paid for by ourselves and I wasn't even asked about the escape room. The three of them agreed on it between them and I just got a message from Friend B saying 'I paid for your escape room ticket so you owe me 16 pounds'. I couldn't actually afford it at the time but couldn't really decline in that situation. I've always been of the opinion that if you want to do something for your birthday that your guests are expected to pay for, you need to check with them first before going ahead and booking it and then demanding money.

My partner, mother and other friends have said I need to tell this group of friends that I no longer want to join in with the group birthday presents. They think I'm being taken advantage of. I've been trying to work out for a while now what's happening - whether it's a conscious, deliberate thing to spend less on me or whether it's simply a case of not knowing what to get me and just going with the cheap/easy options. Even then, if it were me I would be saying 'ok so we have no idea what she really wants but she has paid a lot towards all of our expensive presents so let's get her the BEST chocolates and the BEST gin we possibly can, and throw in some perfume and smellies to make it up to the amount that we always have spent on us'.

My partner and others think I should just end this friendship. But I'm torn. I don't know whether I'm just being vain. So...I need other opinions. AIBU to be upset about the gift situation and if my gift for this year isn't decent, tell them I'm opting out of the group present buying?

[Livelovebehappy]

Friendships shouldn’t be such hard work. I have no idea what my friends spend on my birthday. Nor do I care. I’m just happy they think enough about me to buy me a present. I’m sure there’s years when we spent different amounts on each other, but I don’t care enough to bother looking up prices of stuff on the Internet. It just would never cross my mind.

[Nayday]

Ah it's about the money but not really about that isn't it? You don't feel valued or included by this group, or even really part of the group.
Two options:

• Decide to be happy with the group, decide whether you're going to contribute to presents and got much and what events you're going to attend. Then don't moan about it, accept it's actually your decision what you do, even if you 'feel you have to', recognise that's coming from yourself, not them. Own your own decisions.
• Or let the group slide away, no need for drama just decide this group isn't for you. Get slow in responding, mute the group, miss collections etc.
• Or 3rd option - stay in touch with Friend B, the one you like and are close to.

[FunMcCool]

It’s impossible to say really without knowing you all. My thoughts are you’re overthinking a bit. I find it hard to believe they are out to get you in the ways you’ve described. If they are good friends in all other respects and you enjoy their friendship just let it go. However, don’t spend more than you can afford in gifts. If all you can afford is a tenner then stick to that.

[Ddot]

Just say you think its only fair to have a set amount spent on everyone, come to an agreement and stick to it. If still get less then sack em off

[Peach01]

@Ddot

Just say you think its only fair to have a set amount spent on everyone, come to an agreement and stick to it. If still get less then sack em off

That's what I think. It should be that everyone puts in same amount and pick a gift within the total.

[CarnationCat]

Friendships shouldn't be stressful.

I wouldn't want to be feel left out and like the least liked one in the group. I think because of this, you need to move on.

[ElderMillennial]

But it's not for OP to dictate that they should all have a set spend for each gift. She can suggest it but it seems likely they will continue as they are and OP can opt in our out. They have already said she could put less in if that's all she can afford.

[Staffy1]

Drop very blatant hints about how you would love the things you have mentioned for your birthday and see if the take note.

[browneyes77]

[quote MyrrAgain]@browneyes77

Ummm Yeah. Why don't you read the message above. Just for example.[/quote]
Your point is?

[KittyMcV]

I suggest you tell them you are opting out of the joint present - there are many reasons you can give depending on what works for you (eg you'd prefer to spend the money on a great night out/you are having to cut down on spending/you have agreed this with other people in your life so are doing it across the board) but you'll do a really nice card with a message or poem, with a photo that you can keep.

[Mary46]

Hi op I do get your point. Im January get all the recycled xmas shite. I cut it out completely. I only do big birthdays eg 40 50 etc. I have loads godchildren. It never ends.

[Pinkfluff76]

Socks from primark cost waaaay less than £20!!!

[JMR185]

I sort of understand because I was new into a group of friends and received joint gifts that were somewhat underwhelming. However, they are lovely, lovely people and really it didn't matter. The financial disparity didn't worry me but it was difficult to be delighted with some gifts that weren't really my taste. Since then one said they had all found me difficult to buy for so I lied and said the gifts were wonderful and imaginative but if they were ever stuck I loved anything for the garden just not manure! I think it's better to be included in the group and not get too hung up on the cost of the gifts. It's not a big deal.

[Deckchair1009]

Maybe you should take the initiative and volunteer to arrange the next birthday gift? Perhaps they think you’re so passive about it that you don’t really care? When the next one pops up, if you don’t volunteer to organise it, maybe say, “yes, that would be great, I’d LOVE that for my birthday” or “well if it was my birthday, I’d prefer something less alcohol related and more ....” stop being so meek and drop a few hints!! We all like to buy the best gift to excite the recipient!

[Ddot]

JMR185
I'd love manure for my birthday 🤣 actually really would! It's not cheap mind you

[KittyMcV]

I bought my mum a bag of worms from wiggly wigglers for one birthday. She thought it was great!

[MagicSummer]

Wow - Friend A got vodka, perfume AND jewellery, all for £70? Must have been great quality!

[Darlingx]

I think you are being sidelined in the pecking order of friendship is not ideal. So discussing investment time wise money wise you need to spread your wings for sure because really some empathy to your situation from ‘ friends’ maybe you need to quietly search out what else is out there friends wise and generic gifts are so annoying in years to come you might look back and wished you had regifted them to these friends ! The problem is at the moment they are your friends space but I would say that in the background there is probably better friendships in store for you if you invest your time in being able to seek those avenues. If a friend gives u a gift its the spirit in which it is given I believe so its how well do my friends know me or what are their circumstances it kind if acts as a timelog of where things were at. My best birthday present from friends ? Was when they cooked and prepared and surprised me with a lovely big picnic that was many many years but it really moved at the time. Worst was when I arranged a venue and had loads of friends it was a raining Sunday and all I got was texts cancelling that was an awful one. So big hugs to you and like your true family friends are hinting you need to cast your friendship net wider xx

[Darlingx]

I remember a friend giving me a very fancy Art Deco biscuit tin which was quite nice it had a sticker on the back with the biscuit selection . There were no biscuits inside !! They were giving me their old biscuit tin as a present . I am still friends with her but I have to laugh at the thinking because I wouldn’t dare be like that. It just reflects on them badly not on you so just remember that. Its not how much value you have equated to gifts its how generous they are deciding to be and with your budget you have alwats been super generous and joined in and not made a fuss so u have been more generous thats all . Eventually fate will bring you a more satisfying relationship but your invested with this one because of the work connection. My sister has tried Bumble for friendship dating and sometimes when u start feeling this resentment its the friendship not being what u need thought wise its not about material gifts I know u get this

[Bangolads]

Sometimes in friendships we get a vibe that makes us feel rubbish. It can take us ages to do something about it or work it out. I think what you have is a gut feeling that you don’t matter that much to them or as much as you’d like. It print isn’t a conscious thing on their part- just the way it’s all panned out. I think the present thing is evidence you’ve found that illustrates/ probes what you’re feeling. The question is what to do. It feels rubbish I know. You could say this is a boundary for you, that in friendships you need to feel valued and important and you don’t here. Maybe honour your boundaries and gently pull away from this group.

[jules0607]

They’re not friends, they’re just mates. Move on

[ElderMillennial]

They’re not friends, they’re just mates.

What does that mean??

[Barmychick]

yanbu for being upset but I think you need to stop this unhealthy obsessing.

[cannockcandy]

OK, firstly tell them you need to tighten your budget so can only afford £10 for each of them and that if that isn't OK by them then you will buy a gift for the recipient yourself.
Secondly tell them you'd really like x,y or z for your birthday - make sure it is around the £30 mark so you don't look like you're taking the piss.
Thirdly, if you feel left out then tell them. Blame covid if you have to. Simply say "wow this year has been really tough and I've been feeling lonely and isolated. I know none of you are doing this on purpose but I've been feeling like I'm not included in the group as much as I'd like to be. Sorry I know its probably me being sensitive but I wanted to talk to you all about it."
It really is as simple as that. Please remember that most humans are not mind readers so unless you speak up then they won't know how you're feeling. Whatever you do though do not mention all the money stuff you have here cause it just makes you sound petty xx

[cannockcandy]

OK, I've now read through all your comments @AMidsummerNight.
Why are you friends with people who ostracise you and talk down to you, ignore you and crap on your ideas?
Personally I'd cut ties with all of them bar friend B.