To be upset about crap birthday gifts from friends?

[AMidsummerNight]

Short version: I am in a tight group of four friends and we do joint presents. Mine always cost less and are crappy whereas theirs are always really good, and I have to pay for them.

For Context:
We have been friends as a group of four, for 3 years. We met through work. They were all friends with each other before I joined the group, they lived together in a flat for a year before I got close with them. I spent a lot of time at their flat for girls nights and we also had a lot of nights out together. Friend C has now moved out of the flat and has her own place in another part of the UK. I am now living elsewhere so there's just Friend A and B still in the flat together. We don't meet up as a group very often anymore. They are my closest friends, but it can't be denied that they are closer to each other than they are with me (probably because they knew each other before and have lived with each other/are still living with each other)

For our birthdays we do group presents - so the other three all chip in for the fourth person's present. There is always a group chat created to discuss what present we are getting and how much we each need to pay towards it. I have a lot less money than all three of them but always pay whatever is needed, even if it's difficult. Every year I am part of three group 'birthday' chats on FB to discuss what we are buying for the 'birthday girl'. I never usually get a say in what is bought because the other two always come in with ideas from the start, based on what they know the person will want because of what they have said they want, or seem to need. I always feel a bit left out and useless because I don't live with them/haven't known them as long and so don't know what they have said/hinted at. This means that I just have to say 'yes that sounds good' and then pay whatever my share of the price works out to be.

I have noticed that each year I am always the one who has the least spent on me. I know this from googling what my gift cost, or just knowing the price. Due to Covid preventing us all from meeting up and all living in different parts of the country, I haven't yet had my birthday present from last November. The plan is to all meet up next month for a group birthday celebration and exchanging of presents that three of us haven't yet had. So I don't yet know what my present for this year is, but the last two years my gifts from all three of them were:

Year one: A bottle of pink gin, a bottle of (cheap) wine, box of Ferrero Rocher and a mini bag of Thornton's chocolates. Can't have been more than about 30 pounds. Meaning about 10 pounds each.
Year two: A small bottle of organic gin liquor and a few packs of socks from Primark...I googled the exact gin and found that it was 10 pounds. The packs of socks can't have been more than 20 pounds altogether. So that's 30, again about 10 pounds each (and that's being generous because the socks might not have been that much.)

As I said, I still don't know what my gift from last year is and will find out next month. Because their birthdays all fall earlier in the year than mine, I have now paid towards presents for all three of them, for three years. All of them have worked out as a minimum of 15 pounds per person, sometimes a lot more. In 2019 the long list of presents for friend A came to around 70 pounds, which I think was about 23 pounds per person. She got really expensive Ciroc vodka, perfume, jewellery etc...this year she is getting new trainers, an ear ring hanger and a personalised mug. Last year she got a Onesie that cost 70 pounds. Friend B has had coffee from Whittards 'because she loves it', books that she likes, clothes, perfume....Friend C has had a really expensive, fancy bra and a canvas painting of her favourite piece of artwork. Friend A in 2019 was the most expensive and I don't think it was fair to any of the other three of us because none of us have ever had 70 pounds worth of presents. But all of their presents have always been 15, 16, 17, or even 23 pounds each. While my two cannot have been more than 10 each, if not less than that.

It's not just about the money. It's that my presents have always been the generic alcohol and chocolates, whereas theirs have always been more thought out items that they know the person wants. I know that the three of them have known each other longer and are therefore closer/perhaps know more what they want/more inclined to spend money on each other, but I do talk to all of them every day, we have a group chat...and I have mentioned authors that I love and things I would love to buy but can't afford (which is usually how they decide on presents for each other). They know that I love books by Sophie Kinsella and that there a few new ones out that I don't yet have, they know that I want the full set of The Lord of The Rings and Harry Potter, they know that I love candles and have wanted a nail set for ages but would never justify buying it for myself. Yet all I've had is alcohol and chocolates that cannot have come to more than 10 pounds per person. And three years in a row I have been paying out amounts like 15, 17, 23 for each of them to have thoughtful presents.

The celebrations are not equal either. For Friend A's birthday in 2019, as well as all the presents totalling 70 pounds, we went to a really posh cocktail bar, then an escape room and then back to the flat for takeaway. All had to be paid for by ourselves and I wasn't even asked about the escape room. The three of them agreed on it between them and I just got a message from Friend B saying 'I paid for your escape room ticket so you owe me 16 pounds'. I couldn't actually afford it at the time but couldn't really decline in that situation. I've always been of the opinion that if you want to do something for your birthday that your guests are expected to pay for, you need to check with them first before going ahead and booking it and then demanding money.

My partner, mother and other friends have said I need to tell this group of friends that I no longer want to join in with the group birthday presents. They think I'm being taken advantage of. I've been trying to work out for a while now what's happening - whether it's a conscious, deliberate thing to spend less on me or whether it's simply a case of not knowing what to get me and just going with the cheap/easy options. Even then, if it were me I would be saying 'ok so we have no idea what she really wants but she has paid a lot towards all of our expensive presents so let's get her the BEST chocolates and the BEST gin we possibly can, and throw in some perfume and smellies to make it up to the amount that we always have spent on us'.

My partner and others think I should just end this friendship. But I'm torn. I don't know whether I'm just being vain. So...I need other opinions. AIBU to be upset about the gift situation and if my gift for this year isn't decent, tell them I'm opting out of the group present buying?

[CousinKrispy]

This sounds like a very stressful friendship group for several reasons.

How are your other friendships? Could you at least step back from this group for a while, tell them you are spending the next 3 months on a digital detox or something to have a polite reason for stepping away, then just drop all social media contact with the group for a while? Pursue other friendships in the meantime and then see how you feel about it?

If you continue being close to them, I think sticking to a strict "I'm saving up for a mortgage, I can contribute £10 per gift only" policy is called for. But TBH I think you'd still feel upset by the group dynamics, as it's not really about the money. It's the crickets chirping when you make comments or suggestions, the demand for apologies when you were visited without Friend A (wtf what grownup demands apologies for that??), the lack of thought that goes into the gifts for you.

There are people out there who are kind and mature and won't pull this kind of petty shit on their friends. I think you need to give yourself permission to go out and find them.

[Tyrasanchez30]

Agreed, I used to have several friendships that caused me a lot of stress. It's just not worth it, we only live once and why waste it with people who make you feel that way?

[Nononsense2]

I think you should drop out of the group. There's no point in just stopping the gift contribution because you'd feel even more like an outsider as they would have more conversations without you. Friendship shouldn't cause so much stress and resentment. I promise you'll feel much better after you distance yourself from them.

[Devora13]

Sounds to me, unless you've said otherwise somewhere, that they discuss stuff that they like together but have no idea what to get you, perhaps because you don't give them a steer?

[a1poshpaws]

I get totally why you're feeling hurt. It's not nice to just be given generic gifts when the others get well thought out ones. Also, previous posters who've said you're unreasonable because it's "only" a £10 or £15 difference have obviously never been in a situation where that's all you've got for - say - fuel or food for the rest of the week. Then it becomes a lot of money. I think you've been brooding too much about this though. If it upsets you as much as it clearly does, and you have other friends (as you mentioned in your post) then I think that although you class these 3 as your closest friends, it's time to gently withdraw and cultivate more closeness with your other friends. You could just start by not returning calls every time, and being already booked up for some meetings you'd normally have had with them and slowly wean yourself off them.

[Ddot]

Its upsetting when you put a lot of thought and stress into a gift and then you get a bog standard genetic gift each year. Its like can't be bothered. I often get stuff that is not my taste but dont mind if I think the person has tried. What I dont like is getting stuff that is cheap tatt or is something I've said before I dont like. My sister buys me dark chocolate which I like but it's always too % dark and only fit for cooking (chilli) I tell her but she still gets the bloody stuff every year.

[Roxy69]

I don't think you are being petty, lots of small things like this do tend to make life difficult. I would think how much you want to be part of the group and then if you do want to; offer to redesign the amount to say £15 each as a finite amount. If they don't like that you will know where you stand.

[Ddot]

Sounds like your the giver patsie

[cannockcandy]

OK, I've now read through all your comments @AMidsummerNight.
Why are you friends with people who ostracise you and talk down to you, ignore you and crap on your ideas?
Personally I'd cut ties with all of them bar friend B.

[cannockcandy]

OK, firstly tell them you need to tighten your budget so can only afford £10 for each of them and that if that isn't OK by them then you will buy a gift for the recipient yourself.
Secondly tell them you'd really like x,y or z for your birthday - make sure it is around the £30 mark so you don't look like you're taking the piss.
Thirdly, if you feel left out then tell them. Blame covid if you have to. Simply say "wow this year has been really tough and I've been feeling lonely and isolated. I know none of you are doing this on purpose but I've been feeling like I'm not included in the group as much as I'd like to be. Sorry I know its probably me being sensitive but I wanted to talk to you all about it."
It really is as simple as that. Please remember that most humans are not mind readers so unless you speak up then they won't know how you're feeling. Whatever you do though do not mention all the money stuff you have here cause it just makes you sound petty xx

[Barmychick]

yanbu for being upset but I think you need to stop this unhealthy obsessing.

[ElderMillennial]

They’re not friends, they’re just mates.

What does that mean??

[jules0607]

They’re not friends, they’re just mates. Move on

[Bangolads]

Sometimes in friendships we get a vibe that makes us feel rubbish. It can take us ages to do something about it or work it out. I think what you have is a gut feeling that you don’t matter that much to them or as much as you’d like. It print isn’t a conscious thing on their part- just the way it’s all panned out. I think the present thing is evidence you’ve found that illustrates/ probes what you’re feeling. The question is what to do. It feels rubbish I know. You could say this is a boundary for you, that in friendships you need to feel valued and important and you don’t here. Maybe honour your boundaries and gently pull away from this group.

[Darlingx]

I remember a friend giving me a very fancy Art Deco biscuit tin which was quite nice it had a sticker on the back with the biscuit selection . There were no biscuits inside !! They were giving me their old biscuit tin as a present . I am still friends with her but I have to laugh at the thinking because I wouldn’t dare be like that. It just reflects on them badly not on you so just remember that. Its not how much value you have equated to gifts its how generous they are deciding to be and with your budget you have alwats been super generous and joined in and not made a fuss so u have been more generous thats all . Eventually fate will bring you a more satisfying relationship but your invested with this one because of the work connection. My sister has tried Bumble for friendship dating and sometimes when u start feeling this resentment its the friendship not being what u need thought wise its not about material gifts I know u get this

[Darlingx]

I think you are being sidelined in the pecking order of friendship is not ideal. So discussing investment time wise money wise you need to spread your wings for sure because really some empathy to your situation from ‘ friends’ maybe you need to quietly search out what else is out there friends wise and generic gifts are so annoying in years to come you might look back and wished you had regifted them to these friends ! The problem is at the moment they are your friends space but I would say that in the background there is probably better friendships in store for you if you invest your time in being able to seek those avenues. If a friend gives u a gift its the spirit in which it is given I believe so its how well do my friends know me or what are their circumstances it kind if acts as a timelog of where things were at. My best birthday present from friends ? Was when they cooked and prepared and surprised me with a lovely big picnic that was many many years but it really moved at the time. Worst was when I arranged a venue and had loads of friends it was a raining Sunday and all I got was texts cancelling that was an awful one. So big hugs to you and like your true family friends are hinting you need to cast your friendship net wider xx

[MagicSummer]

Wow - Friend A got vodka, perfume AND jewellery, all for £70? Must have been great quality!

[KittyMcV]

I bought my mum a bag of worms from wiggly wigglers for one birthday. She thought it was great!

[Ddot]

JMR185
I'd love manure for my birthday 🤣 actually really would! It's not cheap mind you

[Deckchair1009]

Maybe you should take the initiative and volunteer to arrange the next birthday gift? Perhaps they think you’re so passive about it that you don’t really care? When the next one pops up, if you don’t volunteer to organise it, maybe say, “yes, that would be great, I’d LOVE that for my birthday” or “well if it was my birthday, I’d prefer something less alcohol related and more ....” stop being so meek and drop a few hints!! We all like to buy the best gift to excite the recipient!

[JMR185]

I sort of understand because I was new into a group of friends and received joint gifts that were somewhat underwhelming. However, they are lovely, lovely people and really it didn't matter. The financial disparity didn't worry me but it was difficult to be delighted with some gifts that weren't really my taste. Since then one said they had all found me difficult to buy for so I lied and said the gifts were wonderful and imaginative but if they were ever stuck I loved anything for the garden just not manure! I think it's better to be included in the group and not get too hung up on the cost of the gifts. It's not a big deal.

[Pinkfluff76]

Socks from primark cost waaaay less than £20!!!

[Mary46]

Hi op I do get your point. Im January get all the recycled xmas shite. I cut it out completely. I only do big birthdays eg 40 50 etc. I have loads godchildren. It never ends.

[KittyMcV]

I suggest you tell them you are opting out of the joint present - there are many reasons you can give depending on what works for you (eg you'd prefer to spend the money on a great night out/you are having to cut down on spending/you have agreed this with other people in your life so are doing it across the board) but you'll do a really nice card with a message or poem, with a photo that you can keep.

[browneyes77]

[quote MyrrAgain]@browneyes77

Ummm Yeah. Why don't you read the message above. Just for example.[/quote]
Your point is?