To be upset about crap birthday gifts from friends?

[AMidsummerNight]

Short version: I am in a tight group of four friends and we do joint presents. Mine always cost less and are crappy whereas theirs are always really good, and I have to pay for them.

For Context:
We have been friends as a group of four, for 3 years. We met through work. They were all friends with each other before I joined the group, they lived together in a flat for a year before I got close with them. I spent a lot of time at their flat for girls nights and we also had a lot of nights out together. Friend C has now moved out of the flat and has her own place in another part of the UK. I am now living elsewhere so there's just Friend A and B still in the flat together. We don't meet up as a group very often anymore. They are my closest friends, but it can't be denied that they are closer to each other than they are with me (probably because they knew each other before and have lived with each other/are still living with each other)

For our birthdays we do group presents - so the other three all chip in for the fourth person's present. There is always a group chat created to discuss what present we are getting and how much we each need to pay towards it. I have a lot less money than all three of them but always pay whatever is needed, even if it's difficult. Every year I am part of three group 'birthday' chats on FB to discuss what we are buying for the 'birthday girl'. I never usually get a say in what is bought because the other two always come in with ideas from the start, based on what they know the person will want because of what they have said they want, or seem to need. I always feel a bit left out and useless because I don't live with them/haven't known them as long and so don't know what they have said/hinted at. This means that I just have to say 'yes that sounds good' and then pay whatever my share of the price works out to be.

I have noticed that each year I am always the one who has the least spent on me. I know this from googling what my gift cost, or just knowing the price. Due to Covid preventing us all from meeting up and all living in different parts of the country, I haven't yet had my birthday present from last November. The plan is to all meet up next month for a group birthday celebration and exchanging of presents that three of us haven't yet had. So I don't yet know what my present for this year is, but the last two years my gifts from all three of them were:

Year one: A bottle of pink gin, a bottle of (cheap) wine, box of Ferrero Rocher and a mini bag of Thornton's chocolates. Can't have been more than about 30 pounds. Meaning about 10 pounds each.
Year two: A small bottle of organic gin liquor and a few packs of socks from Primark...I googled the exact gin and found that it was 10 pounds. The packs of socks can't have been more than 20 pounds altogether. So that's 30, again about 10 pounds each (and that's being generous because the socks might not have been that much.)

As I said, I still don't know what my gift from last year is and will find out next month. Because their birthdays all fall earlier in the year than mine, I have now paid towards presents for all three of them, for three years. All of them have worked out as a minimum of 15 pounds per person, sometimes a lot more. In 2019 the long list of presents for friend A came to around 70 pounds, which I think was about 23 pounds per person. She got really expensive Ciroc vodka, perfume, jewellery etc...this year she is getting new trainers, an ear ring hanger and a personalised mug. Last year she got a Onesie that cost 70 pounds. Friend B has had coffee from Whittards 'because she loves it', books that she likes, clothes, perfume....Friend C has had a really expensive, fancy bra and a canvas painting of her favourite piece of artwork. Friend A in 2019 was the most expensive and I don't think it was fair to any of the other three of us because none of us have ever had 70 pounds worth of presents. But all of their presents have always been 15, 16, 17, or even 23 pounds each. While my two cannot have been more than 10 each, if not less than that.

It's not just about the money. It's that my presents have always been the generic alcohol and chocolates, whereas theirs have always been more thought out items that they know the person wants. I know that the three of them have known each other longer and are therefore closer/perhaps know more what they want/more inclined to spend money on each other, but I do talk to all of them every day, we have a group chat...and I have mentioned authors that I love and things I would love to buy but can't afford (which is usually how they decide on presents for each other). They know that I love books by Sophie Kinsella and that there a few new ones out that I don't yet have, they know that I want the full set of The Lord of The Rings and Harry Potter, they know that I love candles and have wanted a nail set for ages but would never justify buying it for myself. Yet all I've had is alcohol and chocolates that cannot have come to more than 10 pounds per person. And three years in a row I have been paying out amounts like 15, 17, 23 for each of them to have thoughtful presents.

The celebrations are not equal either. For Friend A's birthday in 2019, as well as all the presents totalling 70 pounds, we went to a really posh cocktail bar, then an escape room and then back to the flat for takeaway. All had to be paid for by ourselves and I wasn't even asked about the escape room. The three of them agreed on it between them and I just got a message from Friend B saying 'I paid for your escape room ticket so you owe me 16 pounds'. I couldn't actually afford it at the time but couldn't really decline in that situation. I've always been of the opinion that if you want to do something for your birthday that your guests are expected to pay for, you need to check with them first before going ahead and booking it and then demanding money.

My partner, mother and other friends have said I need to tell this group of friends that I no longer want to join in with the group birthday presents. They think I'm being taken advantage of. I've been trying to work out for a while now what's happening - whether it's a conscious, deliberate thing to spend less on me or whether it's simply a case of not knowing what to get me and just going with the cheap/easy options. Even then, if it were me I would be saying 'ok so we have no idea what she really wants but she has paid a lot towards all of our expensive presents so let's get her the BEST chocolates and the BEST gin we possibly can, and throw in some perfume and smellies to make it up to the amount that we always have spent on us'.

My partner and others think I should just end this friendship. But I'm torn. I don't know whether I'm just being vain. So...I need other opinions. AIBU to be upset about the gift situation and if my gift for this year isn't decent, tell them I'm opting out of the group present buying?

[Maggiesfarm]

Some people are difficult to buy for and you may be one of those, op.

You do sound petty weighing up the difference in cost here and there, even looking up how much.

It is your choice to spend more on presents for your friends. Sometimes a card, flowers and chocs is easiest and best; unless a person expresses dislike for those, they are generally well received.

[Binkybix]

I am googling the price of gifts because they were quite clearly cheaper than the others. I didn't need to google them to see that the other gifts were so much more expensive. I'm not just googling them for the sake of it

This is still an odd thing to do, even with your added detail.

You seem to be approaching this from a very immature view of friendship. Yes, they maybe closer than you are with them. I have friendship groups like this and where people have different stronger ties with each other and ways of giving presents.

But it’s not a competition. If you like them and get something out of the friendship keep it. If not, don’t. Think about your own relationships in and with the group rather than comparing them and finding them wanting.

Life is too short for this.

[Bogeyes]

If you are not happy with the situation get away from it. You are asking others what they think. It doesn't matter what MN thinks. It's what you feel about it. If it doesn't fer right then it isn't right. Maybe it's time to move away from this group. It's not about the value of gifts...it's about the value of how they see you. If you feel they are fobbing you off with crappy gifts and can't be bothered making an effort is it worth staying in the group?

[leafygarden42]

Good friends show they care in other ways throughout the year. Not from material things/remembering dates.

Yep - that just about sums it up.

You could try being like me - I don't remember last year or the previous year - and just have friends who I like seeing because they're fun.

[redcarbluecar]

This is bothering you, so you’re right to address it, or it’ll affect your friendships more fundamentally. I think you need to opt out of the joint present giving - tell them you’ve decided to get your own gifts (or no gifts at all) from now on. As regards your own gifts, either say you don’t want anything at all or, if they are going to carry on with the joint giving, be specific about what you want. I have 2 friendship groups where we do joint gifts and I usually send them a few ideas. Sounds grabby but at least it stops money being wasted. We also set specific budgets of, say, £10 per person, but it sounds like that might not work for your group.

[NessieMcNessface]

You have my sympathy OP and I totally get where you’re coming from. Over time you have obviously paid a lot more towards your friends’ presents compared to the value of the presents you have received. Significantly more if you add it all up. It does seem odd that you have been given a present for possibly less than £30 while another member of the group receives one for £70. I would find this annoying especially if I was struggling to make ends meet. The lack of thought for your presents is also hurtful when you have made it clear that you have specific interests. As others have suggested I would say you are cutting back and are going to withdraw from the present giving arrangement. If they are your friends they will understand and you will be released from the stress of it all.

[SpinachAndMushroom]

Are you an accountant OP?

[strawberrydonuts]

If the friendship isn't making you happy then just stop engaging with it and find other people to hang out with.

You seem to be over-complicating things a bit and fixating on gifts when really your issues are with the friendship and feeling the odd one out.

[FayleWatersWaters]

Having just read your follow-up post, this is what I would say in your situation....

Sorry all, I really can't afford £x, so can I take you up on your previous kind offer and just contribute a tenner this year? Please don't spend any more than £10 a head on my birthday though, or it really wouldn't be fair on you all.

That reads a bit clunkily, but that's the general sentiment. It'll give them food for thought if they've consciously been spending a bit less on you than they have each other. They probably haven't though, it's probably more a case of not knowing what to choose. Plus you don't know where they've bought the items - I have a feeling if you do a Google shop search it'll always throw up the cheapest prices for any given item first.

[MrsIsobelCrawley]

If you don't feel your friendship is valued then it is absolutely okay to re-evaluate whether you want to retain these friendships in their current format.

However, obsessing on the price of presents is downright odd.

[jeanne16]

I think this friendship group has outlived its purpose. Definitely time for you to move on.

[FierceBarrie]

@SpinachAndMushroom

Are you an accountant OP?

You’ve gotta wonder.

[Pinkandpink]

I’m sorry but I don’t think the ops being unreasonable here. Yes I think she’s thinking to much into it and calculating gifts, but one friend having 30 quid spent on them, then another 70, yes that’s unfair. I’d leave the group.

[CliftonGreenYork]

Short version 😅

[tallduckandhandsome]

@Quaggars

I haven't read the thread, but I came in expecting to say YANBU, but instead I'm coming away saying, yes, actually you are.
You google the price of the presents they get you?
Why would you do that?
Also, you say they don't know you as well. So surely it makes sense to fall back on generic type items like gin and chocolates?
Not wanting the BEST gin and the BEST chocolate, comes across as a bit grabby, sorry.

No, she isn’t BU, consistently spending £30 on OP and £70 for everyone else is favouritism, to OP’s detriment.

[ByThePool2021]

I think you are self sabotaging yourself. You don’t see yourself as a worthwhile and important member of the group because you didn’t live with them and are the newest member but still, you’ve been friends for 3 years now, I’m am sure they hugely value you as part of the group. Stop putting yourself down and minimising you place. Stop holding back and letting the others take the lead - you are important too!
As for the gifts I get it, in my group of friends every year I get something that’s related to an interest but not very “me” tbh, but I also know I can hold back a bit in group conversations as I am quite introverted and I am way more of a listener then a talker and just don’t really talk about myself and my interests a lot, so of course they don’t know my true passions.
I really think these sound like a good group of friends and you are just feeling incredibly insecure and not realising your self worth.

[tallduckandhandsome]

@SpinachAndMushroom

Are you an accountant OP?

It really doesn’t take an accountant to see a box of Ferrero Rocher and cheap gin doesn’t equal £70 each that is spent on the others.

[bigbaggyeyes]

Just say to them next time present buying comes around, I can only afford to put in £10. Job done

[tallduckandhandsome]

@Maggiesfarm

Some people are difficult to buy for and you may be one of those, op.

You do sound petty weighing up the difference in cost here and there, even looking up how much.

It is your choice to spend more on presents for your friends. Sometimes a card, flowers and chocs is easiest and best; unless a person expresses dislike for those, they are generally well received.

Not sure Harry Potter and LOTR sets are that difficult to buy?!

[Posieandpip]

The difference between what they buy each other and what they buy for you seems really small. I expected to be outraged by this thread (on your side) but I was pretty shocked to read that you were getting all worked up over a different of £5-£10 per person and slightly different branded alcohol for gifts? You like gin, I assume? So they buy you gin? Do you like chocolate and wine? If so then YABVU. If you 'opt out' of group presents you'll seem pretty rude, ungrateful, unfriendly, and like you're making an issue out of nothing. If my friend came to me and said "You spent £5 less on me than you did on ___, and you only bought me wine and gin but you bought her fancy vodka" I'd be really offended, shocked, and irritated to be honest.

[Bluesheep8]

Again, it's less about the money and more about the lack of thought.

Yet you've spent time for the last 3 years googling how much was spent on your presents?

[Bluntness100]

God op I can’t believe your family and partner are telling you to end friendships because you don’t get enough spent on you for your birthday and you sit and Google how much your gifts cost.

It genuinely doesn’t occur to me how much my gifts costs from friends, and I simply can’t perceive a situation I’d sit and google the cost and consider dumping them because they spent a tenner less.

What a horrible grabby attitude you and yours have.

[tallduckandhandsome]

How is the difference between £30 and £70 just £5/£10?

When it’s consistently happening every year then it shows OP is an afterthought.

[Beautiful3]

Just stop. Send a message after your birthday to say that you jonlonger want to do group presents, as you prefer to get your own. Then when its their birthdays, send an amazon voucher for 10 pounds. See what you get back, if it's abysmal then next year just say no more presents, just cards.

[Bluntness100]

As others have suggested I would say you are cutting back and are going to withdraw from the present giving arrangement. If they are your friends they will understand and you will be released from the stress of it all

No she’s not, she’s just going to feel shit that they all buy each other gifts and not her and she’s not included.

How do you tell your friends “I don’t want to be your friend because you don’t put enough thought into my gifts and spend 5-10 pounds less on me”

I’m even cringing writing it.