To be upset about crap birthday gifts from friends?

[AMidsummerNight]

Short version: I am in a tight group of four friends and we do joint presents. Mine always cost less and are crappy whereas theirs are always really good, and I have to pay for them.

For Context:
We have been friends as a group of four, for 3 years. We met through work. They were all friends with each other before I joined the group, they lived together in a flat for a year before I got close with them. I spent a lot of time at their flat for girls nights and we also had a lot of nights out together. Friend C has now moved out of the flat and has her own place in another part of the UK. I am now living elsewhere so there's just Friend A and B still in the flat together. We don't meet up as a group very often anymore. They are my closest friends, but it can't be denied that they are closer to each other than they are with me (probably because they knew each other before and have lived with each other/are still living with each other)

For our birthdays we do group presents - so the other three all chip in for the fourth person's present. There is always a group chat created to discuss what present we are getting and how much we each need to pay towards it. I have a lot less money than all three of them but always pay whatever is needed, even if it's difficult. Every year I am part of three group 'birthday' chats on FB to discuss what we are buying for the 'birthday girl'. I never usually get a say in what is bought because the other two always come in with ideas from the start, based on what they know the person will want because of what they have said they want, or seem to need. I always feel a bit left out and useless because I don't live with them/haven't known them as long and so don't know what they have said/hinted at. This means that I just have to say 'yes that sounds good' and then pay whatever my share of the price works out to be.

I have noticed that each year I am always the one who has the least spent on me. I know this from googling what my gift cost, or just knowing the price. Due to Covid preventing us all from meeting up and all living in different parts of the country, I haven't yet had my birthday present from last November. The plan is to all meet up next month for a group birthday celebration and exchanging of presents that three of us haven't yet had. So I don't yet know what my present for this year is, but the last two years my gifts from all three of them were:

Year one: A bottle of pink gin, a bottle of (cheap) wine, box of Ferrero Rocher and a mini bag of Thornton's chocolates. Can't have been more than about 30 pounds. Meaning about 10 pounds each.
Year two: A small bottle of organic gin liquor and a few packs of socks from Primark...I googled the exact gin and found that it was 10 pounds. The packs of socks can't have been more than 20 pounds altogether. So that's 30, again about 10 pounds each (and that's being generous because the socks might not have been that much.)

As I said, I still don't know what my gift from last year is and will find out next month. Because their birthdays all fall earlier in the year than mine, I have now paid towards presents for all three of them, for three years. All of them have worked out as a minimum of 15 pounds per person, sometimes a lot more. In 2019 the long list of presents for friend A came to around 70 pounds, which I think was about 23 pounds per person. She got really expensive Ciroc vodka, perfume, jewellery etc...this year she is getting new trainers, an ear ring hanger and a personalised mug. Last year she got a Onesie that cost 70 pounds. Friend B has had coffee from Whittards 'because she loves it', books that she likes, clothes, perfume....Friend C has had a really expensive, fancy bra and a canvas painting of her favourite piece of artwork. Friend A in 2019 was the most expensive and I don't think it was fair to any of the other three of us because none of us have ever had 70 pounds worth of presents. But all of their presents have always been 15, 16, 17, or even 23 pounds each. While my two cannot have been more than 10 each, if not less than that.

It's not just about the money. It's that my presents have always been the generic alcohol and chocolates, whereas theirs have always been more thought out items that they know the person wants. I know that the three of them have known each other longer and are therefore closer/perhaps know more what they want/more inclined to spend money on each other, but I do talk to all of them every day, we have a group chat...and I have mentioned authors that I love and things I would love to buy but can't afford (which is usually how they decide on presents for each other). They know that I love books by Sophie Kinsella and that there a few new ones out that I don't yet have, they know that I want the full set of The Lord of The Rings and Harry Potter, they know that I love candles and have wanted a nail set for ages but would never justify buying it for myself. Yet all I've had is alcohol and chocolates that cannot have come to more than 10 pounds per person. And three years in a row I have been paying out amounts like 15, 17, 23 for each of them to have thoughtful presents.

The celebrations are not equal either. For Friend A's birthday in 2019, as well as all the presents totalling 70 pounds, we went to a really posh cocktail bar, then an escape room and then back to the flat for takeaway. All had to be paid for by ourselves and I wasn't even asked about the escape room. The three of them agreed on it between them and I just got a message from Friend B saying 'I paid for your escape room ticket so you owe me 16 pounds'. I couldn't actually afford it at the time but couldn't really decline in that situation. I've always been of the opinion that if you want to do something for your birthday that your guests are expected to pay for, you need to check with them first before going ahead and booking it and then demanding money.

My partner, mother and other friends have said I need to tell this group of friends that I no longer want to join in with the group birthday presents. They think I'm being taken advantage of. I've been trying to work out for a while now what's happening - whether it's a conscious, deliberate thing to spend less on me or whether it's simply a case of not knowing what to get me and just going with the cheap/easy options. Even then, if it were me I would be saying 'ok so we have no idea what she really wants but she has paid a lot towards all of our expensive presents so let's get her the BEST chocolates and the BEST gin we possibly can, and throw in some perfume and smellies to make it up to the amount that we always have spent on us'.

My partner and others think I should just end this friendship. But I'm torn. I don't know whether I'm just being vain. So...I need other opinions. AIBU to be upset about the gift situation and if my gift for this year isn't decent, tell them I'm opting out of the group present buying?

[ElderMillennial]

Last year I did actually say to two of them that I was finding it hard financially and could we maybe get a cheaper gift that just worked out to 10 pounds per person? The response from the other two was 'we'll cover you, don't worry. Just put in 10 and we'll cover the rest' because they were set on buying her an expensive gift. But that made me feel awkward and like the gift would be more from them than me. So I ended up saying that I would just pay the full amount.

They were nice about this and you insisted on contributing but then you're complaining about it...

It occurs to me that they want to buy one another expensive gifts because they value each other perhaps slightly more than they value you, if I'm being honest and they allow you to be part of this group gift giving. They don't have to include you and you don't have to participate. They may want to spend more on one another. I have friends who I would always spend a bit more on and some I would spend £10-20 on. They shouldn't have to spend less on their gifts just because they want to. I also think they are free to spend more on the other than on you. You don't have to be involved.

I can see that it's frustrating and maybe a bit unfair (though less so since they were happy for you to put in £10) but sometimes some people in a group are closer than others.

[Crimblecrumble1990]

I would feel the same as you I think OP. A PP suggested it but I would say you have given up alcohol/chocolate so it forces them to actually think of what to get you.

We do a similar thing in my friendship group and I like to make sure we always get them something they genuinely would like. The last 2 years I have had to sell mine on eBay as they have got me something I wouldn't use. (I'm too polite to say anything) it's not the value as they are expensive gifts but these are women I have known for nearly 20 years and they should know me by now. For example this years was a teapot set - really lovely but I don't drink hot drinks, literally never have and it's very common knowledge...

[Bluntness100]

Last year I did actually say to two of them that I was finding it hard financially and could we maybe get a cheaper gift that just worked out to 10 pounds per person? The response from the other two was 'we'll cover you, don't worry. Just put in 10 and we'll cover the rest' because they were set on buying her an expensive gift. But that made me feel awkward and like the gift would be more from them than me. So I ended up saying that I would just pay the full amount. I don't know why they had to insist on getting an expensive present for Friend A, after I said I was struggling with money and could we keep it simple, when my presents are always cheap

Becayse it wasn’t about you.

[SheepGoBaaaa]

I once had a flatmate who reminded me of you on this issue, OP — in any given situation, and despite being a 30something professional, she was like a child watching a cake being cut up, monitoring the size of all the slices, desperately afraid she was going to get a smaller slice than everyone else.

At big group restaurant meals, like for a conference or birthday party, she was always in visible anguish over the seating, calculating where the coolest/most high-status/popular people ended up sitting and where she was in relation to them, anxious and gloomy if she felt she was ‘among the outcasts’ on the edge of things. You’d often see her grabbing her coat and dashing off to another part of the table before everyone sat down to improve her placing, according to her own sense of where the high-status people were..

In short, she registered a hierarchy in any given situation, and was always afraid of getting less and ranking low. She was absolutely the type to google the costs of a friendship groups’ presents to see where she ranked.

She was absolutely exhausting to be around, bristling with status anxiety. OP, it’s no way to live.

[tallduckandhandsome]

@SheepGoBaaaa all very interesting but not remotely comparable to OP’s situation.

[littlepieces]

Firstly it sounds like your relationship is based around your birthday gifts? Do you make it known what you like and don't like? Generic gifts are usually bought for people that a) are generally considered happy with anything or b) someone you don't know very well or c) really fussy and hard to buy for.
If you feel left out, time to find new friends? Or float the idea of not doing birthday gifts anymore? Others in the group secretly probably couldn't care less either. I just don't do birthday presents for friends any more, I can't afford to. I usually prefer to actually meet up with them and treat them to coffee and cake or lunch or something. Job done, everyone's happy.

[Frownette]

It's tricky with gifts. I get quite unhappy whenever they're shoved at me, don't like it at all. All I want for my birthday is a vegeburger and champagne and I can buy that myself.

If it's too jerky a set up then perhaps opt out then just get an individual present for the person? It's not working if you don't like the gifts you're given. If you want to stay in, be more specific?

[Chikapu]

Blimey you sound exhausting, Googling to see how much your presents cost is unbelievably petty.

[HotChocolateLover]

I can’t believe you’re actually googling how much things cost! You need to evaluate how much you actually like these people or whether the cost of the gift is more important. Most people don’t have 3 close friends to buy gifts for by the way!

[HowToBringABlushToTheSnow]

Just opt out of the group gift buying. Issue solved.

You really do need to stop obsessing over this, rather trivial, issue

[MorrisZapp]

It's not trivial at all. I had the exact same experience at university. My group of friends all lived in halls of residence and I didn't. We did chip in presents (no group chat, it was the 90s) and I always got something small despite contributing to the much bigger presents that the others got.

In truth, it was symbolic of how close we all were. They were a tightly bonded group and I was liked but just not part of that core group, which was made plain a few times but not through deliberate rudeness or anything.

I'm no longer in touch with any of them, looking back they were basically drinking buddies. I feel a bit sad for 90s me who thought of them like sisters.

[OccaChocca]

Op, you are always going to get people pile on to a thread and say that they would be happy with a few trinkets from a cracker and the scrapings from someone's shoe while their friend got a magnum of champagne and a Chanel gift set. They don't see the problem and are gracious to accept their shit gift with dignity.

The gift situation is probably just symbolic of how you feel and only you know how you feel.

You've had lots of advice on here. What are you going to do?

[SheepGoBaaaa]

[quote tallduckandhandsome]@SheepGoBaaaa all very interesting but not remotely comparable to OP’s situation.[/quote]
It’s entirely comparable. The OP is hyper-aware of her status within the group, explaining that the three others knew one another as flatmates before she met them, that one has since moved away, leaving the other two still living together and closest to one another — but that the other three seem to have far more ‘voice’ in the groups decisions about presents and birthday presents than the OP does, and that she feels like an outlier. Only a very status-conscious person would register so exactly all gifts given between a group for three years, and cost them up so exactly to determine where she ‘ranks’.

[SwimBaby]

I’d either buy my own present for each friend and not get involved in the group thing, still be involved but tell them you have a £10 contribution limit or opt out of birthday presents altogether.

[Rubyupbeat]

Can't believe you google the worth of your gifts. This is so petty.

[ittakes2]

I think you have been getting a hard time on here - yes you are obessing about presents/money but I get its because it represents to you that they don't think as much about you as they do each other.
I think you need to need to think carefully what you want from these friendships. You get that they are closer to the reasons you outline - and this is unlikely to change. So you need to work out what you want. One thing I recommend is you work on building other local friends with the view these friends won't be the most important group of friends to you.
What I find interesting is they are still making an effort to include you in what seems a tight group so that must mean they care about you.
In some ways it makes sense to tell them you are struggling financially and want to opt out of the present giving and receiving. But will this mean though they opt you out of the birthday celebrations and how would you feel about that? If you want to stay in these make it clear you want to be in the birthday celebrations just not the present giving. There is a chance they may see this as you seperating from the group.
Another option is you choose one girl who you think is more sensitive than the others and have a private conversation with her. Tell her you are thinking of opting out of the presents and ask her if she thinks this will be OK. She will say yes and if there are any conversations amongst them about what this means she will likely to have your back and explain its not opting out of the group but just too much for you financially.

[aggathapanthus]

Don’t have many friends but extremely fond of the few old ones I do. We don’t exchange gifts (all 60s now but never did), just a card.
I find the joint gift concept a bit odd.

[Bluesheep8]

The OP is hyper-aware of her status within the group, explaining that the three others knew one another as flatmates before she met them, that one has since moved away, leaving the other two still living together and closest to one another — but that the other three seem to have far more ‘voice’ in the groups decisions about presents and birthday presents than the OP does, and that she feels like an outlier. Only a very status-conscious person would register so exactly all gifts given between a group for three years, and cost them up so exactly to determine where she ‘ranks’.

This is very well observed. It seems OP is constantly aware of this and then uses her birthday present each year as a kind of barometer to confirm or disprove the feeling that she has of ranking lower in the group due to longevity of the friendship.
OP needs to ask herself if she'd magically feel any different if there was suddenly a more expensive gift this year....because I don't think she will.

[queennotififi]

"Hi all,

I've worked out that I gave £70 for presents for the group in the last year. While it's lovely giving and receiving gifts I don't think it's something I can afford any more please so count me out of the group presents in future.

Hope you understand and look forward to seeing you soon!

Love AMidsummerNight."

[Bluntness100]

How do you feel doing it op? When you’re sitting there googling how much your presents cost instead of just enjoying them and being grateful you’ve friends who care enough to buy you gifts? Do you not find yourself cringing?

It’s so so materialistic. Then asking them to lower the value of th gifts they give each other and being upset they won’t, becayse you want them to spend the exact same tenner on each other as you.

[Justgettingbye]

Sorry but you sound like a child.

[tallduckandhandsome]

It’s entirely comparable. The OP is hyper-aware of her status within the group, explaining that the three others knew one another as flatmates before she met them, that one has since moved away, leaving the other two still living together and closest to one another — but that the other three seem to have far more ‘voice’ in the groups decisions about presents and birthday presents than the OP does, and that she feels like an outlier. Only a very status-conscious person would register so exactly all gifts given between a group for three years, and cost them up so exactly to determine where she ‘ranks’.

I disagree. I think the present issue is a symptom of a wider issue, yes, but OP's feelings are valid and extrapolating this into a comparison with your own friend is ridiculous.

[FierceBarrie]

How do you feel doing it op? When you’re sitting there googling how much your presents cost instead of just enjoying them and being grateful you’ve friends who care enough to buy you gifts? Do you not find yourself cringing?

This is exactly what I wondered with my ‘does it make you feel happy?’ question.

Why do it? What sort of satisfaction could it possibly bring?

[FierceBarrie]

[quote tallduckandhandsome]@SheepGoBaaaa all very interesting but not remotely comparable to OP’s situation.[/quote]
It’s completely comparable. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[IsabellesMissingSock]

Oh god, I couldn't be arsed faffing around googling the price of gin and socks - how mercenary! Either say something to them or just leave them to it 🤷🏻‍♀️