To be upset about crap birthday gifts from friends?

[AMidsummerNight]

Short version: I am in a tight group of four friends and we do joint presents. Mine always cost less and are crappy whereas theirs are always really good, and I have to pay for them.

For Context:
We have been friends as a group of four, for 3 years. We met through work. They were all friends with each other before I joined the group, they lived together in a flat for a year before I got close with them. I spent a lot of time at their flat for girls nights and we also had a lot of nights out together. Friend C has now moved out of the flat and has her own place in another part of the UK. I am now living elsewhere so there's just Friend A and B still in the flat together. We don't meet up as a group very often anymore. They are my closest friends, but it can't be denied that they are closer to each other than they are with me (probably because they knew each other before and have lived with each other/are still living with each other)

For our birthdays we do group presents - so the other three all chip in for the fourth person's present. There is always a group chat created to discuss what present we are getting and how much we each need to pay towards it. I have a lot less money than all three of them but always pay whatever is needed, even if it's difficult. Every year I am part of three group 'birthday' chats on FB to discuss what we are buying for the 'birthday girl'. I never usually get a say in what is bought because the other two always come in with ideas from the start, based on what they know the person will want because of what they have said they want, or seem to need. I always feel a bit left out and useless because I don't live with them/haven't known them as long and so don't know what they have said/hinted at. This means that I just have to say 'yes that sounds good' and then pay whatever my share of the price works out to be.

I have noticed that each year I am always the one who has the least spent on me. I know this from googling what my gift cost, or just knowing the price. Due to Covid preventing us all from meeting up and all living in different parts of the country, I haven't yet had my birthday present from last November. The plan is to all meet up next month for a group birthday celebration and exchanging of presents that three of us haven't yet had. So I don't yet know what my present for this year is, but the last two years my gifts from all three of them were:

Year one: A bottle of pink gin, a bottle of (cheap) wine, box of Ferrero Rocher and a mini bag of Thornton's chocolates. Can't have been more than about 30 pounds. Meaning about 10 pounds each.
Year two: A small bottle of organic gin liquor and a few packs of socks from Primark...I googled the exact gin and found that it was 10 pounds. The packs of socks can't have been more than 20 pounds altogether. So that's 30, again about 10 pounds each (and that's being generous because the socks might not have been that much.)

As I said, I still don't know what my gift from last year is and will find out next month. Because their birthdays all fall earlier in the year than mine, I have now paid towards presents for all three of them, for three years. All of them have worked out as a minimum of 15 pounds per person, sometimes a lot more. In 2019 the long list of presents for friend A came to around 70 pounds, which I think was about 23 pounds per person. She got really expensive Ciroc vodka, perfume, jewellery etc...this year she is getting new trainers, an ear ring hanger and a personalised mug. Last year she got a Onesie that cost 70 pounds. Friend B has had coffee from Whittards 'because she loves it', books that she likes, clothes, perfume....Friend C has had a really expensive, fancy bra and a canvas painting of her favourite piece of artwork. Friend A in 2019 was the most expensive and I don't think it was fair to any of the other three of us because none of us have ever had 70 pounds worth of presents. But all of their presents have always been 15, 16, 17, or even 23 pounds each. While my two cannot have been more than 10 each, if not less than that.

It's not just about the money. It's that my presents have always been the generic alcohol and chocolates, whereas theirs have always been more thought out items that they know the person wants. I know that the three of them have known each other longer and are therefore closer/perhaps know more what they want/more inclined to spend money on each other, but I do talk to all of them every day, we have a group chat...and I have mentioned authors that I love and things I would love to buy but can't afford (which is usually how they decide on presents for each other). They know that I love books by Sophie Kinsella and that there a few new ones out that I don't yet have, they know that I want the full set of The Lord of The Rings and Harry Potter, they know that I love candles and have wanted a nail set for ages but would never justify buying it for myself. Yet all I've had is alcohol and chocolates that cannot have come to more than 10 pounds per person. And three years in a row I have been paying out amounts like 15, 17, 23 for each of them to have thoughtful presents.

The celebrations are not equal either. For Friend A's birthday in 2019, as well as all the presents totalling 70 pounds, we went to a really posh cocktail bar, then an escape room and then back to the flat for takeaway. All had to be paid for by ourselves and I wasn't even asked about the escape room. The three of them agreed on it between them and I just got a message from Friend B saying 'I paid for your escape room ticket so you owe me 16 pounds'. I couldn't actually afford it at the time but couldn't really decline in that situation. I've always been of the opinion that if you want to do something for your birthday that your guests are expected to pay for, you need to check with them first before going ahead and booking it and then demanding money.

My partner, mother and other friends have said I need to tell this group of friends that I no longer want to join in with the group birthday presents. They think I'm being taken advantage of. I've been trying to work out for a while now what's happening - whether it's a conscious, deliberate thing to spend less on me or whether it's simply a case of not knowing what to get me and just going with the cheap/easy options. Even then, if it were me I would be saying 'ok so we have no idea what she really wants but she has paid a lot towards all of our expensive presents so let's get her the BEST chocolates and the BEST gin we possibly can, and throw in some perfume and smellies to make it up to the amount that we always have spent on us'.

My partner and others think I should just end this friendship. But I'm torn. I don't know whether I'm just being vain. So...I need other opinions. AIBU to be upset about the gift situation and if my gift for this year isn't decent, tell them I'm opting out of the group present buying?

[LostRobot]

•Quaggars - my point was that they insisted on getting expensive present for Friend A even though I had said I couldn't afford it, but when it comes to mine they seemingly don't have the money available to spend.

But you said that they had kindly responded to this that they'd pay some of your "share" to keep the cost down for you and you refused this. I really don't understand why you're getting so wound up about something so trivial.

[TreeSmuggler]

I don't think either of you are BU. It's normal that within groups some people are closer, and it makes total sense here with the background. But I also see where you are coming from.

I wouldn't end the friendship over it as it seems the problem mainly is around the gifts.

Since you already have the next gift exchange planned, why don't you go to that, but then soon after suggest that you don't do gifts anymore. I wouldn't go in to what you've said here, just say you are cutting down on stuff, saving money or buying less for environmental reasons.

[LostRobot]

I honestly can't believe people really think such awful thoughts against their friends for perceived slightly over £10/20 or whatever. Baffling.

[QueenBee52]

@FierceBarrie

So you have got a group of people who’ve welcomed you into their exiting group, include you in socialising, included you in daily text chat, included you in birthday celebrations, and buy birthday presents for you …. and you’re complaining…?

You are new to this old, established, close group of friends. Who, until recently, all lived together.

I think you’d be getting a lot more satisfaction and joy from life if you focused, for a second, on how included you’ve been.

Instead of how much less per/head is being spent on your present.

This is making you happy? Really…?

Seriously - segue out of the group, and leave them to it. For their benefit.

well aren't you delightful 🤣😂

[LostRobot]

*slights! Not slightly.

[FierceBarrie]

well aren't you delightful 🤣😂

What - for suggesting she’s lucky to be so welcomed and included into a group of friends?

OK….

[QueenBee52]

@FierceBarrie

well aren't you delightful 🤣😂

What - for suggesting she’s lucky to be so welcomed and included into a group of friends?

OK….

You sound like their Solicitor 😂🤣

[AMidsummerNight]

Pixxie7 and QueenBee52 -
I had a look around mumsnet and found this thread from about a year ago:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3978027-To-be-disappointed-by-this-40th-birthday-gift-from-my-friends

This might be what you're thinking of? Very similar in terms of disappointment about the thought put into presents in a group.

[threeteenstaximum]

That was a really long first post, I stopped reading

Look, you have less money, set a budget "I can afford £10" and ask them to stick to it. They are clearly choosing cheaper/ less presents for you so send hints or work out so way they get access to your Amazon gift list. Your friends seem to be on with giving QUITE clear directions on what they want so you can do the same. If they are good friends they will stick to budget or accept your donation as it is and make sure it is equal, or they will be Cheeky

Your friends can't mind read so m
And why have you needed to wait for your bday present from 8+? Months ago? Amazon is still working - that's how I get him to my friends for their birthdays!- and so is the Post office?

If this is unequal, the call it snd say hey... I feel left out!

[QueenBee52]

@AMidsummerNight

Pixxie7 and QueenBee52 -
I had a look around mumsnet and found this thread from about a year ago:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3978027-To-be-disappointed-by-this-40th-birthday-gift-from-my-friends

This might be what you're thinking of? Very similar in terms of disappointment about the thought put into presents in a group.

possibly...

just proves you're not alone in being 'birthday' shafted 🌸

[FierceBarrie]

And you sound like the sort of person who thinks googling how much your friends spent on your present is a sane thing to do, @QueenBee52.

[threeteenstaximum]

(I stopped reading after 4th long paragraph as my eyes went ... so hard to read long long long first posts....)

[AMidsummerNight]

FierceBarrie -
They were only friends before I came along for a few months. The main thing is that they have lived together. But apart from those first few months they had, we have been a group of four pretty much the whole time. As I said before, we have spent a lot of nights together, a lot of days, weekends, talk every day on group chat...if they see me like you do, as a 'tag along' friend who's lucky to be included, then I perhaps don't want to be friends with them! I feel sorry for your friends to be honest, if that's how you see them.

[threeteenstaximum]

Sorry my first post autoimcorrected and I'm up late,

• 
  

I meant ... Amazon, that's how I get *gin bottles (not 'him') to my friends (next day delivery 🤣 for a pressie)

[FierceBarrie]

I feel sorry for your friends to be honest, if that's how you see them.

Don’t worry, I don’t.

Look, if the friendship is making you unhappy, you’re absolutely free to make whatever choices you need to.

But IME, if really doesn’t help to focus on the petty negatives, instead of the positives.

[QueenBee52]

@FierceBarrie

And you sound like the sort of person who thinks googling how much your friends spent on your present is a sane thing to do, *@QueenBee52*.

that doesn't even make sense 🤔🤣

[Pepsimirror]

I agree with you OP. If they’re are spending at least £15 per person that would be £45 for 3 people but only £30 for you. Which is a large difference. When I was at uni, I was in a group of 5 people. We would spend £10 each so £40 for a group present. We would always spend the same amount. If not sometimes a little bit more depending on what we bought. I don’t think packets of socks will cost £20 in primark. I think they are spending a lot less. In my group, I was always given my present months after my birthday. Everyone else got theirs on time with a lot more effort into what they liked.
It will be interesting to see what you will get this year as you will all be exchanging presents together.

[AmberIsACertainty]

I get it OP. They're better off than you financially, aren't they? You're scrimping and counting evey penny to make the budget work. They throw around £10 here and £20 there like it's of no consequence. Because it isn't, to them. Some people who have never been skint struggle to understand it at all.

I've told people before that I can't afford to go out, they say oh we'll just go to X place then, and I have to explain I don't even have a spare tenner for that. Then it's oh don't worry I'll lend you, and I have to explain I won't be able to pay them back. Not this month or next or ever, because the money just isn't there. Even if others kindly offer to sub you all the time it feels awful and awkward to be on the receiving end of that, knowing you can never return the favour. Luckily I'm not broke any more but it's fair to say some friendships don't work when there's too much of a financial disparity. It depends how close you are to the person IME.

OP tell them your circumstances have changed and you can't join in with present buying any more, say you're only buying for your children from now on and you'd prefer them not to buy you anything because it'll make you feel awkward. If you want to go for the celebrations factor into your budget £70 for this, which is about standard for a night out I find, and if you don't have the money then don't go that time. People might not mind doing cheap things on occasion but if they're not broke and it's a birthday then it's not going to be a cheap occasion. Then carry on with the friendship and it'll either last or it won't. Whichever way, it'll be the right thing.

[Abbey22l]

I seems like you feel a bit insecure because they have been friends longer than you have been in the friend group, do you ever tell them what you want or like? I understand pettiness and how consuming it can be but googling how much your presents are compared to the others isn’t healthy. It seems that if you was to stop putting to towards the presents that you don’t think you would be involved as much as and you having no input on what gifts that are being bought is a bit strange. Maybe you have just outgrown the friendship? Or they have with you (Sorry late reply I’m feeding the baby) x

[alexdgr8]

this sounds childish to me.
why give presents to adults.
it's just a waste of money.
save your pennies for something worthwhile, or necessary.
the whole set-up sounds like you should have outgrown it, if you have a partner. move into a more mature outlook.
you don't need to bother with this nonsense.

[IAmDaveTheSerialShagger]

I'm embarrassed for you

[Abbey22l]

😂😂

[NoIDontWatchLoveIsland]

It all sounds like a lot of pointless tat to me and I'm not sure i would notice the difference between 10 a head and 15.

Can you opt out of it all but not make it about money? Say you are trying to be more environmentally conscious eg reduce/reuse/recycle so are cutting back on excess buying of non essentials?

The friendship doesn't generally sound that positive for you & you do sound like you feel a bit left out and are projecting that somewhat. I had an epiphany around age 30 that if I'm making all the effort to maintain a friendship it probably means the other person isnt bothered about me. I now avoid such unbalanced friendships.

[Mostlylurkingiam]

My gosh you sound like hard work to be honest. Stop googling how much a present cost, that is not reasonable behaviour. If you can't afford to go in on group presents say so.

[freespirit11]

I don't feel included, feel very much the outsider and maybe the presents are just a representation of that

There it is, OP. I think YANBU. The gifts are symptomatic of other issues in the friendship. I would say, if you have fun hanging out with them when you meet IRL, just "downgrade" this friendship group into people you socialise with, but don't consider as your closest / tightest group of friends (basically detach emotionally). And then go out and find your close friends where there's an equal exchange of thought and care.

May be I'm projecting, because I was part of a similar group, and I left after 10+ years of knowing them. I'd felt that the other three were closer to each other, which they were, but 2 were even closer and that third also felt a bit "excluded" from the pair. Sometimes it felt like I was there to balance out the dynamics - and this would've been fine if this was just a group of friends I hung out with once in a while; but it was much more than that. There were 100s of group texts every day (yes, hundreds) and we poured a LOT into this group. I didn't want to keep doing that, while feeling isolated within the group.

It's horrible to feel isolated in a group, it's better to just maintain one on one friendships with each of them, if it's making you feel this way. You're not wrong or petty to feel this way at all.