To be upset about crap birthday gifts from friends?

[AMidsummerNight]

Short version: I am in a tight group of four friends and we do joint presents. Mine always cost less and are crappy whereas theirs are always really good, and I have to pay for them.

For Context:
We have been friends as a group of four, for 3 years. We met through work. They were all friends with each other before I joined the group, they lived together in a flat for a year before I got close with them. I spent a lot of time at their flat for girls nights and we also had a lot of nights out together. Friend C has now moved out of the flat and has her own place in another part of the UK. I am now living elsewhere so there's just Friend A and B still in the flat together. We don't meet up as a group very often anymore. They are my closest friends, but it can't be denied that they are closer to each other than they are with me (probably because they knew each other before and have lived with each other/are still living with each other)

For our birthdays we do group presents - so the other three all chip in for the fourth person's present. There is always a group chat created to discuss what present we are getting and how much we each need to pay towards it. I have a lot less money than all three of them but always pay whatever is needed, even if it's difficult. Every year I am part of three group 'birthday' chats on FB to discuss what we are buying for the 'birthday girl'. I never usually get a say in what is bought because the other two always come in with ideas from the start, based on what they know the person will want because of what they have said they want, or seem to need. I always feel a bit left out and useless because I don't live with them/haven't known them as long and so don't know what they have said/hinted at. This means that I just have to say 'yes that sounds good' and then pay whatever my share of the price works out to be.

I have noticed that each year I am always the one who has the least spent on me. I know this from googling what my gift cost, or just knowing the price. Due to Covid preventing us all from meeting up and all living in different parts of the country, I haven't yet had my birthday present from last November. The plan is to all meet up next month for a group birthday celebration and exchanging of presents that three of us haven't yet had. So I don't yet know what my present for this year is, but the last two years my gifts from all three of them were:

Year one: A bottle of pink gin, a bottle of (cheap) wine, box of Ferrero Rocher and a mini bag of Thornton's chocolates. Can't have been more than about 30 pounds. Meaning about 10 pounds each.
Year two: A small bottle of organic gin liquor and a few packs of socks from Primark...I googled the exact gin and found that it was 10 pounds. The packs of socks can't have been more than 20 pounds altogether. So that's 30, again about 10 pounds each (and that's being generous because the socks might not have been that much.)

As I said, I still don't know what my gift from last year is and will find out next month. Because their birthdays all fall earlier in the year than mine, I have now paid towards presents for all three of them, for three years. All of them have worked out as a minimum of 15 pounds per person, sometimes a lot more. In 2019 the long list of presents for friend A came to around 70 pounds, which I think was about 23 pounds per person. She got really expensive Ciroc vodka, perfume, jewellery etc...this year she is getting new trainers, an ear ring hanger and a personalised mug. Last year she got a Onesie that cost 70 pounds. Friend B has had coffee from Whittards 'because she loves it', books that she likes, clothes, perfume....Friend C has had a really expensive, fancy bra and a canvas painting of her favourite piece of artwork. Friend A in 2019 was the most expensive and I don't think it was fair to any of the other three of us because none of us have ever had 70 pounds worth of presents. But all of their presents have always been 15, 16, 17, or even 23 pounds each. While my two cannot have been more than 10 each, if not less than that.

It's not just about the money. It's that my presents have always been the generic alcohol and chocolates, whereas theirs have always been more thought out items that they know the person wants. I know that the three of them have known each other longer and are therefore closer/perhaps know more what they want/more inclined to spend money on each other, but I do talk to all of them every day, we have a group chat...and I have mentioned authors that I love and things I would love to buy but can't afford (which is usually how they decide on presents for each other). They know that I love books by Sophie Kinsella and that there a few new ones out that I don't yet have, they know that I want the full set of The Lord of The Rings and Harry Potter, they know that I love candles and have wanted a nail set for ages but would never justify buying it for myself. Yet all I've had is alcohol and chocolates that cannot have come to more than 10 pounds per person. And three years in a row I have been paying out amounts like 15, 17, 23 for each of them to have thoughtful presents.

The celebrations are not equal either. For Friend A's birthday in 2019, as well as all the presents totalling 70 pounds, we went to a really posh cocktail bar, then an escape room and then back to the flat for takeaway. All had to be paid for by ourselves and I wasn't even asked about the escape room. The three of them agreed on it between them and I just got a message from Friend B saying 'I paid for your escape room ticket so you owe me 16 pounds'. I couldn't actually afford it at the time but couldn't really decline in that situation. I've always been of the opinion that if you want to do something for your birthday that your guests are expected to pay for, you need to check with them first before going ahead and booking it and then demanding money.

My partner, mother and other friends have said I need to tell this group of friends that I no longer want to join in with the group birthday presents. They think I'm being taken advantage of. I've been trying to work out for a while now what's happening - whether it's a conscious, deliberate thing to spend less on me or whether it's simply a case of not knowing what to get me and just going with the cheap/easy options. Even then, if it were me I would be saying 'ok so we have no idea what she really wants but she has paid a lot towards all of our expensive presents so let's get her the BEST chocolates and the BEST gin we possibly can, and throw in some perfume and smellies to make it up to the amount that we always have spent on us'.

My partner and others think I should just end this friendship. But I'm torn. I don't know whether I'm just being vain. So...I need other opinions. AIBU to be upset about the gift situation and if my gift for this year isn't decent, tell them I'm opting out of the group present buying?

[Bluntness100]

@tallduckandhandsome

How is the difference between £30 and £70 just £5/£10?

When it’s consistently happening every year then it shows OP is an afterthought.

How can you not work that out? Because it’s per person.

[FAQs]

What was the organic gin? Sounds nice.

[tallduckandhandsome]

@Bluntness100

🙄

The difference per person is immaterial.

The main thing is OP is getting a present that is worth HALF of what everyone else gets.

There’s no way this isn’t deliberate.

[wildeverose]

You're fussing over a five pound difference - honestly your friendship seems to be based on What they'll get you.
They've known one another long and are closer, you know this. Being friends with someone 3 years really isn't a long time compared to some friendships and theirs.

You clearly aren't happy so find new friends

[Ylvamoon]

I think OP feels inadequate. She clearly states that she earns less and has joned the group at a later date. That is the real issue here.

Look for new friends if you think you can't keep up with the Jonses.

[teateaandcoffee]

I agree with @bigbaggyeyes good approach.

[GreyGoose1980]

Hi OP
I am on the fence with this one as on one hand it’s a bit petty to google gifts but I also feel sorry that you are feeling less valued.

You also mention it’s not just the price but the thoughtfulness of the gifts which I get. The reality is they are closer to each other than they are to you. This is probably just a reflection of their shared history. It’s okay to find that a difficult dynamic though and maybe you need to make some new friends where you are all on an even footing and not rely so much on this one friendship group.

There also seems to be a genuine difference between your income and theirs. I think you need to be open with them and say that you are finding the gift giving tricky due to finances so will step out of the gift buying arrangements. They are probably feeling like they are being inclusive by including you on the gift buying but would be fine with you doing your own thing. You can then just get some flowers etc for a tenner etc. I don’t think you should attempt to get them to buy less expensive presents for each other just because it doesn’t fit your budget as they have probably been doing this for ages.

Try and focus on all the positives of the friendship but also view this as an incentive to make new friends.

[Polkadots2021]

YABU to be in this friendship group and monetize presents. This isn't what friendship is. I have a small group of friends and we'd literally do anything to help eachother if one was in trouble. We can't be arsed with presents as we all are so busy and on the edge of snowed under all the time and we don't need the extra work of organising gifts - mostly because we don't need stuff to show eachother how we're good friends. I'd fly half way across the world during Covid tomorrow if one of them desperately needed me and I know they'd do the same.

Perhaps the present thing is indicative that this isn't really a friendly group for you, in which case I'd look for better friends or just detach yourself and look at them as less 'best friends' than you currently view them.

[Confusedandshaken]

I think you have a case for saying to the group that you are now of an age where you all have everything you need so why not drop the presents and instead put money towards a treat night out at a show or restaurant for the birthday girl. If that doesn't get taken up by the others I think you'd be fine to them now out of group gifts. However, that might make you feel even more of an outsider.

If you do drop out of the pressie group but want to stay part of the friendship group make sure your birthday cards are really personal and well chosen. The thought behind a good card can more that outweigh a gift.

[Blueskytoday06]

I'm wondering if this is not really about the gifts but your perceived position within the group. Do you feel valued gifts aside?

[OrangeIsNeutral]

Last year I did actually say to two of them that I was finding it hard financially and could we maybe get a cheaper gift that just worked out to 10 pounds per person? The response from the other two was 'we'll cover you, don't worry. Just put in 10 and we'll cover the rest' because they were set on buying her an expensive gift. But that made me feel awkward and like the gift would be more from them than me. So I ended up saying that I would just pay the full amount. I don't know why they had to insist on getting an expensive present for Friend A, after I said I was struggling with money and could we keep it simple, when my presents are always cheap.

This is so petty and vindictive. You get shit gifts so you wanted friend A to be dragged down to your level and suffer with you. Do you find yourself wishing them ill in other ways?

I understand that you are upset that they're putting in more effort on each other and less on you, but I don't understand what the point is of pitching in to a "joint" present and then buying smaller, cheaper bits? What's the thought process there? If I had a £70 budget I would get one nice thing, not 2-3 okay things.

You say you drop lots of hints re what you want, but you also say that you don't know what to suggest for others' gifts. Do you think maybe they're also dropping hints, but you're not picking up on them? Maybe your hints are also falling through the cracks.

I assume you are all young?

[Drumstick38]

Ignore the sarcastic replies and random laughing emojis, and the Scroogey "presents are for children" attitudes. You get them on every thread and they think you're needy if your idea of friendship involves anything more than a text message once a year.

I understand where you're coming from. The whole present thing seems like a lot of hard work. Like you, I am on a lower wage than my friends in a particular group, I'm on minimum wage and they're all on high 20s/30k at least, and I've faced these issues before.

I think after 3 years you should know each other well enough, again i don't get why people are saying they "Can't know you that well" after 3 years.

If it bothers you then it's for a reason. It would be good to try being more assertive with them I think. Somebody telling you that you owe them £16 without asking you first if it's ok, that's out of order. Don't get in any financial difficulty over these presents, it's really not worth it. I've been there where I've forked out hundreds for weddings and hen dos for better off friends, it was far too expensive for me and I regret it a lot.

Suggest a set budget or a secret Santa type thing. But the bottom line is that you don't have to do anything that doesn't work for you. If you want, you are perfectly entitled to say that you'll opt out of the presents for that year as you haven't got the budget, a lot of adults don't.

It seems like you all get on well together otherwise but I agree that it's unfair to be buying you these much less expensive and less thoughtful presents. Hope it works out.

[Elisandra]

I think this may come to a head when you all open your presents together.

For those aghast at OP googling the present costs, I think I get that... She feels generally less valued in the group, she spends up to £23 on their presents but is given “a small bottle of organic gin liquor and a few packs of socks from Primark” from them. That is clearly a pretty shit present in the circumstances. So not wanting to just assume the worst, she googles to be sure. As a way of confirming her instincts. Add that to the thoughtlessness of the gifts, despite OP having given hints, and she’s bound to feel crap.

[3Britnee]

@AMidsummerNight

Short version: I am in a tight group of four friends and we do joint presents. Mine always cost less and are crappy whereas theirs are always really good, and I have to pay for them.

For Context:
We have been friends as a group of four, for 3 years. We met through work. They were all friends with each other before I joined the group, they lived together in a flat for a year before I got close with them. I spent a lot of time at their flat for girls nights and we also had a lot of nights out together. Friend C has now moved out of the flat and has her own place in another part of the UK. I am now living elsewhere so there's just Friend A and B still in the flat together. We don't meet up as a group very often anymore. They are my closest friends, but it can't be denied that they are closer to each other than they are with me (probably because they knew each other before and have lived with each other/are still living with each other)

For our birthdays we do group presents - so the other three all chip in for the fourth person's present. There is always a group chat created to discuss what present we are getting and how much we each need to pay towards it. I have a lot less money than all three of them but always pay whatever is needed, even if it's difficult. Every year I am part of three group 'birthday' chats on FB to discuss what we are buying for the 'birthday girl'. I never usually get a say in what is bought because the other two always come in with ideas from the start, based on what they know the person will want because of what they have said they want, or seem to need. I always feel a bit left out and useless because I don't live with them/haven't known them as long and so don't know what they have said/hinted at. This means that I just have to say 'yes that sounds good' and then pay whatever my share of the price works out to be.

I have noticed that each year I am always the one who has the least spent on me. I know this from googling what my gift cost, or just knowing the price. Due to Covid preventing us all from meeting up and all living in different parts of the country, I haven't yet had my birthday present from last November. The plan is to all meet up next month for a group birthday celebration and exchanging of presents that three of us haven't yet had. So I don't yet know what my present for this year is, but the last two years my gifts from all three of them were:

Year one: A bottle of pink gin, a bottle of (cheap) wine, box of Ferrero Rocher and a mini bag of Thornton's chocolates. Can't have been more than about 30 pounds. Meaning about 10 pounds each.
Year two: A small bottle of organic gin liquor and a few packs of socks from Primark...I googled the exact gin and found that it was 10 pounds. The packs of socks can't have been more than 20 pounds altogether. So that's 30, again about 10 pounds each (and that's being generous because the socks might not have been that much.)

As I said, I still don't know what my gift from last year is and will find out next month. Because their birthdays all fall earlier in the year than mine, I have now paid towards presents for all three of them, for three years. All of them have worked out as a minimum of 15 pounds per person, sometimes a lot more. In 2019 the long list of presents for friend A came to around 70 pounds, which I think was about 23 pounds per person. She got really expensive Ciroc vodka, perfume, jewellery etc...this year she is getting new trainers, an ear ring hanger and a personalised mug. Last year she got a Onesie that cost 70 pounds. Friend B has had coffee from Whittards 'because she loves it', books that she likes, clothes, perfume....Friend C has had a really expensive, fancy bra and a canvas painting of her favourite piece of artwork. Friend A in 2019 was the most expensive and I don't think it was fair to any of the other three of us because none of us have ever had 70 pounds worth of presents. But all of their presents have always been 15, 16, 17, or even 23 pounds each. While my two cannot have been more than 10 each, if not less than that.

It's not just about the money. It's that my presents have always been the generic alcohol and chocolates, whereas theirs have always been more thought out items that they know the person wants. I know that the three of them have known each other longer and are therefore closer/perhaps know more what they want/more inclined to spend money on each other, but I do talk to all of them every day, we have a group chat...and I have mentioned authors that I love and things I would love to buy but can't afford (which is usually how they decide on presents for each other). They know that I love books by Sophie Kinsella and that there a few new ones out that I don't yet have, they know that I want the full set of The Lord of The Rings and Harry Potter, they know that I love candles and have wanted a nail set for ages but would never justify buying it for myself. Yet all I've had is alcohol and chocolates that cannot have come to more than 10 pounds per person. And three years in a row I have been paying out amounts like 15, 17, 23 for each of them to have thoughtful presents.

The celebrations are not equal either. For Friend A's birthday in 2019, as well as all the presents totalling 70 pounds, we went to a really posh cocktail bar, then an escape room and then back to the flat for takeaway. All had to be paid for by ourselves and I wasn't even asked about the escape room. The three of them agreed on it between them and I just got a message from Friend B saying 'I paid for your escape room ticket so you owe me 16 pounds'. I couldn't actually afford it at the time but couldn't really decline in that situation. I've always been of the opinion that if you want to do something for your birthday that your guests are expected to pay for, you need to check with them first before going ahead and booking it and then demanding money.

My partner, mother and other friends have said I need to tell this group of friends that I no longer want to join in with the group birthday presents. They think I'm being taken advantage of. I've been trying to work out for a while now what's happening - whether it's a conscious, deliberate thing to spend less on me or whether it's simply a case of not knowing what to get me and just going with the cheap/easy options. Even then, if it were me I would be saying 'ok so we have no idea what she really wants but she has paid a lot towards all of our expensive presents so let's get her the BEST chocolates and the BEST gin we possibly can, and throw in some perfume and smellies to make it up to the amount that we always have spent on us'.

My partner and others think I should just end this friendship. But I'm torn. I don't know whether I'm just being vain. So...I need other opinions. AIBU to be upset about the gift situation and if my gift for this year isn't decent, tell them I'm opting out of the group present buying?

What the actual fuck 😂

[Drumstick38]

Don't see why it's so hilarious to you ?

[thisplaceisweird]

I do similar and set the same budget for everyone and work backwards. So we all get the same amount. That just seems fair. I would never fob anyone off with a cheaper gift knowing what they've paid for me. Sounds like they just don't like you much OP, sorry. Go quiet for a bit and see what happens.

[Newkitchen123]

OP clearly states they lived together for a year before you were friends
Another post says only a few months
Which is it?

[thisplaceisweird]

It's a bigger message I think. The presents just represent your relationship. They don't like you or value you as much as they do each other. End the friendship and you'll feel better.

I would also love to know what perfume you're buying that seems to cost £5-10

[BirthdayCakeBelly]

So your friends have actually said to you, just put in £10 and they will cover the rest and you’re still not happy? JFC.
So you want them to disregard the gift that their friend wants and get something cheaper so that you don’t feel cheap for only putting in £10.

Not sure what else your friends can do tbh. Sounds like you’ll never be happy.

[SengaMac]

Tell your friends that you don't want to be part of the present buying any more.
No presents bought for you & no contributions from you for the others.

Also, of course you can refuse to pay & take part in an activity you haven't been consulted about.

These people don't sound very nice. Why bother with them at all?

[SengaMac]

BirthdayCakeBelly do you also think it's fine that OP always gets a standard inexpensive gift, with no thought put into it?

[CassandrasCastle]

I thought they lived together for a year before you knew them??

[Summergarden]

Hi OP,

This setup does seem a bit unfair on you, but I wish I know how to tactfully resolve the situation- I feel the same but have the opposite problem!

I became part of a group of school mum friends a couple of years ago. Last year was a ‘big’ birthday for me, during lockdown and the others (6 of them) clubbed together and bought me some lovely and very generous gifts. I assumed so much money and effort was spent purely because it was a landmark birthday.

For their birthdays during the year since then, I never heard anyone suggest clubbing together to buy anyone else’s gifts, so I just bought small gifts between about £6-£10 each for the rest of them.

Fast forward to my next birthday this year which has just passed. We went out for a meal which I arranged and was bowled over to be presented with a huge gift bag of lovely, generous gifts that they must have spent at least £15 each on. To be honest it made me feel so guilty that I spent much less on their gifts and I’m already stressing myself over what to buy them and how much to spend. It’s alien to me as I didn’t think we were even that close friends really and my best friends that I’ve known forever we don’t even buy gifts for each other, just cards!

Sorry this doesn’t really have any helpful advice OP, just maybe know that it can feel pretty uncomfortable to be on the opposite end of receiving gifts that cost much more.

[MaMaD1990]

I get why you're upset, there is a distinct difference in the thought and monetary value between their presents and yours. It does seem like there's an imbalance of 'closeness' in the group and the present saga is highlighting it. Personally, I'd just slowly move back from the group and not pay towards group presents anymore. Life really is too short to be getting this frustrated/upset and wishing people would reciprocate your effort and monetary input, but probably never will unless explicitly told.

[Pinkdelight3]

we'll cover you, don't worry. Just put in 10 and we'll cover the rest' because they were set on buying her an expensive gift. But that made me feel awkward and like the gift would be more from them than me. So I ended up saying that I would just pay the full amount.

They said exactly the right thing here and you still weren't happy. They want to get their friend something specific and they're allowed to do so. You couldn't afford it so they offered to cover you. Do you want everyone to get chocolates and gin so everyone gets the same? By your own description, your friendships within the group are not the same. They knew each other, they lived together. You talk about how you/they 'always' do things, but it's only been three years, one of which was in lockdown. So this 'always' is actually two years of presents and the group has already changed as one has moved away. Regardless of the money, I think you need to dial down the 'best' friend status of this group for you and see it for what it is, which sounds like a nice group of friends to be part of if you don't over-analyse it. Give a tenner to the pot each time, let them cover the rest and buy what they like and enjoy your gin and chocolates and chat. You can't make them like each other less or love you more. Look elsewhere to build closer special friendships.