Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents paying school fees/siblings

160 replies

flipflopping · 22/06/2021 12:42

Full disclosure- this isn't my situation but a friend's. I would love to hear people's views though.

My friend is a pensioner and a widow. She has two daughters, one of whom has two daughters of their own (ie my friend's grandchildren).

Daughter 1 has asked my friend whether she would be able to contribute towards the girls' school fees if they went private. Friend would be happy to do so and has offered to pay £10k a year.

Daughter 2 has no children and is unlikely to have any (through choise). She hasn't asked for any money.

My friend is fretting that it's unfair for her to be giving all this money to Daughter 1 and none to Daughter 2. She wonders whether she ought to be giving Daughter 2 £10k a year as well (she could afford to do this but it would mean tightening her belt).

The options would seem to be-

  • give the money to D1, nothing to D2.
  • give the money to D1, nothing to D2 but change her will to give a greater share to D2 when she dies.
  • give both Ds £10k

Or something else? WWYD? If it makes any difference, it's all very amicable and nobody has complained or acted as if they're entitled to my friend's money.

OP posts:
Original poster
flipflopping · 22/06/2021 12:42

*choice

OP posts:
Bear2014 · 22/06/2021 12:46

My parents gave my sister a big chunk of money to help her buy a house a few years back. When they then inherited from their parents, I got some of this. So option B, I guess.

SwimBaby · 22/06/2021 12:46

How old are the DGC?

Confiscatedfidgetspinner · 22/06/2021 12:46

What a kind offer. No I don’t think the other sibling should receive anything. The money isn’t really for the sibling anyway- it’s for the granddaughter.

It’s a bit like being gifted money if you get married- it’s for getting married. If you don’t have a wedding then you don’t need it. I think this is the same. I’m sure if the sibling was to have children then the offer would be extended to her. That’s good enough.

chickensandbees · 22/06/2021 12:46

I think give the money to D1 and nothing to D2. It's not a gift for D1 but for the grandchildren. I see the grandchildren as separate people and therefore a separate relationship.

In the same way does she spend £50 on D2 for Christmas and then split £50 between D1 and her grandchildren.

SummerBreeze1980 · 22/06/2021 12:46

I think it would be nice to give some to DD2 but only what she can afford without tightening her belt. I'm sure DD2 would be delighted with that as you say she is not wanting or expecting anything. I'm sure if your friend explained the situation she would understand why she is giving more to DD1 for her DC. I'm sure she would want the best for her DNs too.

yoyo1234 · 22/06/2021 12:48

I would do it for the DC with children with it made clear it is for school fees. If the other DC has chosen not to have children they are saving a fortune! Any inheritance I would give a set amount to the DGC and then split rest to the 2 DC. I would want to be very open about all this.

greennailvarnish · 22/06/2021 12:50

I think the money is for the grandchildren and so they are not DD1 nor DD2.
Your friend needs to look at the situation through this lens.

RedHelenB · 22/06/2021 12:51

If d2 wanted money for something then if she would pay the same then there isn't a problem.

Sarahseyes · 22/06/2021 12:53

All I can think of here is the inheritance tax implications which are making me cringe. Hope that has been thought of too.

I don’t agree DD2 should get nothing. It ISNT just a gift for grandchildren. The parents have decided private schooling is best for the child, but they must have the ability to pay it fully themselves (I read that they can but would be tighter, so help for DM would be appreciated). This therefore means DD1 is 10k better off than she would have been.

I don’t think you should send the message that DD2 is to receive less inheritance because she didn’t have kids.

AryaStarkWolf · 22/06/2021 12:55

Agree with whoever said she's giving it to her grandchildren not really her daughter so I don't see why she'd have to give anything to her other daughter

AnnaMagnani · 22/06/2021 12:55

I'll be honest, my DH is in the Daughter 2 situation here.

It grates on him. He knows his siblings have children and he loves them but his life just didn't turn out that way. And everytime he hears MIL thinking about giving monetary gifts 'for the grandchildren' or thinking about fiddling with her will to make bequests to GCs it winds him up.

All of her children have financial needs in different ways - some of them it's children at private school, some of them it's mortgages and some of them it's living with disability. And that's without a crystal ball to know what is in the future. And MIL will need money of her own in future for care needs.

If it involves belt tightening/doesn't involve both daughters then it should be a no. She needs to think of her own future as well.

Thehop · 22/06/2021 12:55

Option B. Rectify the amount in her will.

Mountaingoatling · 22/06/2021 12:55

I've not had kids. I couldn't imagine resenting any money my parents gave to nieces or nephews. She needs to ask the childless daughter and take it from there.

Peach1204 · 22/06/2021 12:56

If I asked my parents for money to help with my child I would know they would give the same to all siblings regardless of whether they have children or not or didn't need the money. If the parent passed away suddenly it sounds like the money is split between DDs - DD2 would be losing out because of money being given to DD1 for DGC. I'd say give to both at the same time. DD1 is benefitting from not having to find all of the fees. DD2 shouldn't be penalised for her choice not to have children (if she did and didn't choose private school should she still not receive any money?)

FinallyHere · 22/06/2021 12:56

In our family, gifts were given for a purpose, the others would receive the same in the same circumstances.

If the money were a contribution to mortgage, it would be fair for both to get the same.

For example, when my sister married and at the same time, bought a house with her then husband, my parents bought her choice of kitchen appliances as a wedding present.

I did not expect, not receive any such present at the time.

When I bought a house myself, they bought me fridge/freezer etc and reminded me not to expect a further wedding present if I did ever get married.

JellyTumble · 22/06/2021 12:57

DC2 should not receive anything. The money is for her grandchild, and DC2 doesn’t have any children so shouldn’t be entitled to any money.

HoboSexualOnslow · 22/06/2021 12:58

Both Ds should get the same, or it isn't fair.

FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 22/06/2021 12:58

I think communication is key here. I think your friend should discuss that she is thinking of doing this with DD2 and ask her thoughts. She might be delighted that her niece and nephew are getting a good education and ask for nothing. She might say to make it fair can you help with a house deposit, as being single has meant it is harder for me to save for one. She might like the Will idea, she might hate it, but talk to her.

Do it before the money becomes a source of problems.

In my cousin’s family, a similar thing happened and money went to one daughter for a wedding, for children, for gifts - all perfectly normal things, but the other daughter was unmarried and childless. It all came to a head one day when she got furious at parents showing favourtism to the other daughter and her family. They hadn’t, it was all a natural consequence of having a wedding and children, but they were guilty of poor communication and let the second daughter fester and feel bad for years before she finally exploded. A chat early on and continuing during the years, a gift of money, an offer of more could have solved everything, instead now it is a mess

MolyHolyGuacamole · 22/06/2021 12:59

Don't agree DD2 should have anything. They're not small children, everything does not have to be equal.

Disfordarkchocolate · 22/06/2021 13:00

I think she should reduce the offer to £5000 a year, she needs to find this affordable and needs change in old age.

If possible she could set aside the rest and use this for university fees or surprise grandchildren.

parietal · 22/06/2021 13:01

I think option B - paying the school fees is saving money for the parents of the GC, and has a direct benefit for Daughter 1. It is a very different scale to a £50 christmas gift.

If daughter 2 inherits more but is childless, she might one day decide to include her nieces / nephews in her will. but she should have the choice to do that.

Frankie4me · 22/06/2021 13:04

Option 2, adjust the will in daughter 2s favour. Daughter 1 is benefiting through affording a private education for her children now - education for her children is D1s responsibility. D1 will have a family to lean on in later years. D2 Will not - so a greater share of the will may be able to support her with something important to her in her later years without financially affecting her mum now.

Original poster
flipflopping · 22/06/2021 13:05

Thank you, everybody. Interesting to see such a range of views. I think all of them discussing it is probably going to be key.

OP posts:
AndWhat · 22/06/2021 13:07

Is it £10,000 per year for 2? Or each? How many years would this go on for?
What if the grandma passes away would the funds still be available? What if she had to pay for care for herself?