Grandparents paying school fees/siblings

[flipflopping]

Full disclosure- this isn't my situation but a friend's. I would love to hear people's views though.

My friend is a pensioner and a widow. She has two daughters, one of whom has two daughters of their own (ie my friend's grandchildren).

Daughter 1 has asked my friend whether she would be able to contribute towards the girls' school fees if they went private. Friend would be happy to do so and has offered to pay £10k a year.

Daughter 2 has no children and is unlikely to have any (through choise). She hasn't asked for any money.

My friend is fretting that it's unfair for her to be giving all this money to Daughter 1 and none to Daughter 2. She wonders whether she ought to be giving Daughter 2 £10k a year as well (she could afford to do this but it would mean tightening her belt).

The options would seem to be-

• give the money to D1, nothing to D2.
• give the money to D1, nothing to D2 but change her will to give a greater share to D2 when she dies.
• give both Ds £10k

Or something else? WWYD? If it makes any difference, it's all very amicable and nobody has complained or acted as if they're entitled to my friend's money.

I would be comfortable with paying the school fees. A loving auntie would be glad for their niece to have the opportunity to the best possible education. Grandmother and grandchild have a relationship themselves and its about the granddaughter not either daughter. If my mum helped my niece I would be happy for them both.....niece getting the opportunity and my mum being in a position to help provide it. If both had children it should be split between both grandchildren.

@Thehop

Option B. Rectify the amount in her will.

There’s no guarantee she will have anything left to pass down. Then what?

How cheeky is the daughter asking for money put her own child through school. Be responsible for your own children.

I don’t think giving to dd1 or dgc however you view it and not providing for dd2 is right. But I don’t think it needs to be equal immediately or that your friend should tighten her belt. Having children is a choice and private school is another choice which your friend is facilitating and so I do think that facilitating dd2’s choices in equal measure is fair (be that via mortgage support or extension, car etc.) it isn’t necessarily easier without children as they do provide support further down the line. I think equaling it out via her will is sensible and in the meantime giving what she can comfortably afford bearing in mind care fees etc may change her financial position in future. My sibling is dd2 in this instance and missed out on celebrations such as weddings and having children and it does take a toll on that persons self esteem and how they feel they are valued. Your friend is very generous

I don't think private school should be on anyone's radar if they need their parents to finance it... But that's not what you asked.

If I were your friend I would not be giving £10k a year towards private school for DD1's child/ren. It's their choice and if they can't afford it then no private school.

If I did offer to pay the £10k a year I would explain to DD2 that I would be adjusting my will in her favour. It's nonsense to say DD1 is not the beneficiary, it's her child/ren and she will be saving that amount per year.

Why do the grandchildren need to go to private school? What's the reasoning behind it?

If it's for SEN problems, then I'd understand, although I thought there were grants out there for that to be honest but probably wrong.

If it's just because the daughter wants her children in private school, then your friend should be saying no altogether. The daughter had the children, she should be paying for them not asking someone else to do it.

We had a similar situation in my family - only school aged DGC was bright and academic but living in a catchment area with crap schools. DGP paid for the DGC to go to a no-frills private school, and no money was sent to the DGC who was well above school age (or their, different, DPs)

Give the same to both. Anything else is divisive and unfair. My parents are very generous and scrupulously fair. We all get the same. If I am in a similar position when my dcs grow up, they will all get the same.

@DeathByWalkies

We had a similar situation in my family - only school aged DGC was bright and academic but living in a catchment area with crap schools. DGP paid for the DGC to go to a no-frills private school, and no money was sent to the DGC who was well above school age (or their, different, DPs)

Also - as DGP died within 7 years of DGC leaving school, there was an probate-related issue around having to prove that the school fees had been paid from income (not savings) as else there would have been inheritance tax implications. I can't remember the details as I wasn't the one who dealt with probate, but worth checking out if the estate may be over the IHT threshold (care fees notwithstanding).

I think I’d go with the second option as the 10k per year contribution would be 180k in total.

C. Anything less than perfectly fair is a recipe for resentment and fall outs. I’ve seen it happen so many times in may own family.

As long as daughter 2 is able to inherit something. Otherwise I agree it’s for the grandchildren. Daughter 2 should be looked after too.

@Confiscatedfidgetspinner

What a kind offer. No I don’t think the other sibling should receive anything. The money isn’t really for the sibling anyway- it’s for the granddaughter.

It’s a bit like being gifted money if you get married- it’s for getting married. If you don’t have a wedding then you don’t need it. I think this is the same. I’m sure if the sibling was to have children then the offer would be extended to her. That’s good enough.

See, I completely disagree. By your logic the kind and responsible child who appreciated the simple things in life and their closest friends and family would receive £5,000 for a lovely little wedding, whilst her sister, the greedy, consumerist, shallow, trowelled-on make-up, fake tan nightmare would get £75,000 for a tasteless monstrousity for hundreds.

If I was in the OP situation I'd probably say "look, I can only afford £18k a year - you want £10k for your kids school, but you have a sibling. I'll give you £9k each and you'll have to make up the extra £1k."

I believe one of parent's most important jobs is to do everything possible to be fair to their kids in order to minimize the chances of resentment, arguments and siblings falling out.

Agree with GreyhoundG1rl, CF daughter for asking in the first place

I would give £10,000 to each daughter. As other posters have said, there may be nothing to leave to DD2 if Grandma needed care in later life. Also, the chances are that DD1’s family is already is already receiving more of Grandma’s money simply because there are grandchildren in that family.

Oh but I would also give it with the caveat that if the second DD does have children eventually, there won’t be any extra to pay for their school fees.

@FollowYourOwnNorthStar

I think communication is key here. I think your friend should discuss that she is thinking of doing this with DD2 and ask her thoughts. She might be delighted that her niece and nephew are getting a good education and ask for nothing. She might say to make it fair can you help with a house deposit, as being single has meant it is harder for me to save for one. She might like the Will idea, she might hate it, but talk to her.

Do it before the money becomes a source of problems.

In my cousin’s family, a similar thing happened and money went to one daughter for a wedding, for children, for gifts - all perfectly normal things, but the other daughter was unmarried and childless. It all came to a head one day when she got furious at parents showing favourtism to the other daughter and her family. They hadn’t, it was all a natural consequence of having a wedding and children, but they were guilty of poor communication and let the second daughter fester and feel bad for years before she finally exploded. A chat early on and continuing during the years, a gift of money, an offer of more could have solved everything, instead now it is a mess

This definitely It wasn't the same big amounts but my parents made sure that we were treated equally.

And I may be in a minority here but a bit surprised that an adult would ask their parent for money unless it was an absolute crisis and even then I think it should be a loan that is asked for and not a gift. Given that they have asked, did they give any consideration to siblings feelings?

She needs to talk to child with no children about what she is proposing and ask for her thoughts. It could cause no end of upset. £10k this year, how much for the next year? And how long have they got left at school. Might be better to put money aside to help with university, property purchase etc when they are 18 or so.

It's a bit cheeky of daughter 1 to ask. If they can't afford it as a family then why should mum cough up, especially as she sounds like she's comfortable rather than rich.

What happens if a third child appears is she going to be expected to fund that as well?

A situation I know (wealthy) parents are paying child’s school fees.

Parents have deducted the fees from the inheritance, others will inherit more in the will.

That seems fair to me.

@Walkingthedog46

I would give £10,000 to each daughter. As other posters have said, there may be nothing to leave to DD2 if Grandma needed care in later life. Also, the chances are that DD1’s family is already is already receiving more of Grandma’s money simply because there are grandchildren in that family.

If grandma is at all frail they need to consider this too. www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/paying-for-care/paying-for-a-care-home/deprivation-of-assets/

I spend roughly the same on both my adult daughters and each grandchild, even though I have two on one side and one on the other. Paying school fees IS benefitting the daughter with children as it is saving her money annually so I would even that out in the will for the other daughter as it will amount to well over £50,000 over the whole school time and then there could be university expectations too. I wouldn't give a similar amount to the other daughter now but I would say that is what will happen concerning my will, if one gets help with the school fees.

@PatchyTwat

A situation I know (wealthy) parents are paying child’s school fees.

Parents have deducted the fees from the inheritance, others will inherit more in the will.

That seems fair to me.

problem with that is what if circs change and there is nothing to inherit?

The only way I would do this would be to give both DC the same amount. £10k isn't going to touch the sides for 2 children, especially at secondary level. Has the daughter factor in increasing fees etc? Theres a possibility that the amount request could increase with the guilt trip of 'not wanting to move the DC as they love it'.

Personally I wouldn't do this. I think you only pay for DGC education if you are very wealthy and can afford the increases and afford to give all your other children a matching amount.

I would give the same to both in some form, whether through inheritance or some other way, eg £7k each pa now.

Anything else is a recipe for resentment and fallings out.

One of my DC has children, the other doesn't. I gave married DC a cash gift for their wedding. If the other DC isn't married at 40 I am going to give them the same cash gift. Being single is much more expensive than being in a relationship and families tend to cop all the gifts etc. My unmarried DC is a lovely generous auntie. I intend to keep it that way by not giving her reasons to feel badly treated.