Grandparents paying school fees/siblings

[flipflopping]

Full disclosure- this isn't my situation but a friend's. I would love to hear people's views though.

My friend is a pensioner and a widow. She has two daughters, one of whom has two daughters of their own (ie my friend's grandchildren).

Daughter 1 has asked my friend whether she would be able to contribute towards the girls' school fees if they went private. Friend would be happy to do so and has offered to pay £10k a year.

Daughter 2 has no children and is unlikely to have any (through choise). She hasn't asked for any money.

My friend is fretting that it's unfair for her to be giving all this money to Daughter 1 and none to Daughter 2. She wonders whether she ought to be giving Daughter 2 £10k a year as well (she could afford to do this but it would mean tightening her belt).

The options would seem to be-

• give the money to D1, nothing to D2.
• give the money to D1, nothing to D2 but change her will to give a greater share to D2 when she dies.
• give both Ds £10k

Or something else? WWYD? If it makes any difference, it's all very amicable and nobody has complained or acted as if they're entitled to my friend's money.

Initially I thought it was fine to pay towards the school fees, but having thought about it, I think that amount of money long term is pretty huge and it would feel unbalanced not to give some to the other DD.

I have a DB who has no children, while I have 2. My DP pay for my kids' music and dance lessons, which comes to about £50 a month between them. As far as I know, my DB doesn't get that amount from them.

However, this is a relatively small amount. My DP have been very fair with money and when they gave me £5000 for my wedding, they gave the same to DB, even though he had no plans to get married. Other times they have given us both some money - eg £500 for a UK holiday when the DC were tiny and we couldn't have afforded it otherwise. My DB would have received the same regardless of what he spent it on. He is hard up, always has been. We have a bigger income but more outgoings because of the DC so we are also v appreciative of their financial help. I think they do a great job in being fair and generous and they are always transparent about it. I do not think they would give our family £10,000 a year without doing the same for DB.

I don't agree with the comments that the money is for the grandchildren and not the parents. The parents have chosen to go down the private school route, which sounds like it's going to be difficult financially for them, and having an extra 10k a year is going to make their life easier so they can still enjoy their current lifestyle.

If money is being gifted, it definitely needs to be shared equally between the children to do what they want with, whether it's private schooling their own children or enjoying it for themselves. Unless maybe one child was completely destitute and desperately needed financial assistance.

DH's parents gift some money to him and his sibling every year. It's not a massive amount, but they are a couple who definitely live within their means and so have ended up with some savings. I'd much prefer they used it to go on a few lavish holidays now when they still can, but that's just not their style! I know that they gift the same amount to DH as they do to his sister. DH is obviously married to me, we have young children and have a lot of outgoings as we are doing a lot of work on our house and have big childcare bills etc. But that's our choice and we are managing it.

DH's sister has a well paid job, lives in a really cheap part of the country, isn't married, no kids, little outgoings, saves a lot of money herself every month.

Yes, there may be an argument there for giving more to DH, to put away for the grandchildren's future or to help with the large childcare bills, but I think that each child has made their choices in life, they are both adults and make choices that they are comfortable with and can afford. Any money gifted from their parents is a bonus.

Thinking about this again, how does your friend know that Daughter 2 is 'childless by choice?'

DH and I look as if we are childless by choice and if anyone asks us, including our parents, that is what we would say.

But actually the answer is far far more complex being a mixture of having only met each other later in life, gynae problems, mental health problems, work and lifestyle not being ideal for having a baby, the list goes on and on.

So perhaps if one or both of us had had having a child as number 1 on our agenda it might have happened as we would have been super determined. But childless by choice isn't totally true either.

£10K a year for a whole school career is a fuckton of money.

It is for her grandchild, not for her daughter.
If her other daughter has children, treat the grandchildren fairly so offer the same thing. Probably have school fees direct from your friends account.

I’d amend the will to reflect it. Though might be tricky to specify x daughter to have x amount unless it was updated regularly. I personally wouldn’t mind if I was the sister but I know my brother would, and for that reason my mum wouldn’t give to one child and not the other, even indirectly like this

Option B/C.

As others have said, you don't have to treat your children exactly equally, but £10k over 2 children's schooling careers is about £150k, more than enough to buy a house in some areas! That's way too big a discrepancy to be any way fair.

I think the poster who asked what would happen if DD2 did/does have children but chooses not to go down the private school route/there aren't any private schools near her or they are unaffordable had a good point too. Would her mother still give her kids £10k per year? If so would DD1s kids be annoyed when they see their cousins going to disneyworld or having riding lessons or new cars when they are older when they just get part of their school fees paid for? What if DD2 has kids and wants to send them to private school in ten years but your friends money has to go on nursing home fees or a private op by then?

I think both have to be treated equally. If the amount is saving the household if A £10k a year on something they could have for free but choose to purchase then it’s only fair that B gets the same.

I’d also worry if A has more children and expects the sake for them.

The daughters should get the same. The daughter can’t afford private education if she needs to ask her mother for money towards it.

But actually the answer is far far more complex being a mixture of having only met each other later in life, gynae problems, mental health problems, work and lifestyle not being ideal for having a baby, the list goes on and on.

Beautifully put @AnnaMagnani People make assumptions about childlessness - even those closest to you in a family. It can hurt deeply, in ways which are hard to articulate. That's why it's good to hear that your your friend @flipflopping is thinking about this.

Sorry I'm only skimming the thread so this may already have been mentioned. School fees are exempted from inclusion for inheritance tax purposes provided it's drawn up correctly.
On this basis perhaps the fair thing to do is give other DD the £3000 allowance that is also exempt for inheritance tax purposes.