Grandparents paying school fees/siblings

[flipflopping]

Full disclosure- this isn't my situation but a friend's. I would love to hear people's views though.

My friend is a pensioner and a widow. She has two daughters, one of whom has two daughters of their own (ie my friend's grandchildren).

Daughter 1 has asked my friend whether she would be able to contribute towards the girls' school fees if they went private. Friend would be happy to do so and has offered to pay £10k a year.

Daughter 2 has no children and is unlikely to have any (through choise). She hasn't asked for any money.

My friend is fretting that it's unfair for her to be giving all this money to Daughter 1 and none to Daughter 2. She wonders whether she ought to be giving Daughter 2 £10k a year as well (she could afford to do this but it would mean tightening her belt).

The options would seem to be-

• give the money to D1, nothing to D2.
• give the money to D1, nothing to D2 but change her will to give a greater share to D2 when she dies.
• give both Ds £10k

Or something else? WWYD? If it makes any difference, it's all very amicable and nobody has complained or acted as if they're entitled to my friend's money.

@Lotsolove

Why would you give D2 money to educate children she doesn’t have?

🤦🏻‍♀️

@Confiscatedfidgetspinner

What a kind offer. No I don’t think the other sibling should receive anything. The money isn’t really for the sibling anyway- it’s for the granddaughter.

It’s a bit like being gifted money if you get married- it’s for getting married. If you don’t have a wedding then you don’t need it. I think this is the same. I’m sure if the sibling was to have children then the offer would be extended to her. That’s good enough.

Getting married doesn't mean you need more money. Throwing a big wedding party and having a lavish ceremony needs money. Why should single children miss out?

Several of our children's friends have trust funds that pay for education - through school, university and beyond. That feels very different to a direct gift to one of the children.

We don't give all ours exactly the same, but it balances out. I think you can't give away something like £120k to one child and not expect a degree of resentment if the other gets nothing. It is giving to the child, not the grandchild as it is the child who has decided on a private education for their children. It needs balancing out at the time, not twenty five years later.

I completely disagree this is you friend's money going to the DGC. It's not.

It's your friends money going to her DD1 to support her financially - whether the money is going to her kids education or her dogs is immaterial. She'd be supporting her financially.

If I were DD2 I'd be pissed off, her choice of not having kids shouldn't mean her sister is getting a financial support she's not getting.

I'd say agree to pay the money for every grandchild. If one of the daughters chooses not to have any children then she doesn't get any of the money because the money is for school fees?

In our family the motto is everyone gets help if they need it and those giving the help can afford it. We dont get the same at the same time but as and when. Me and my siblings have had help at different times eg buying house, with post grad course fees, for disabled child. They intend to even out big gifts eg for house deposit eventually if inheritance allows but would not take help for education fees or to GC eg the disabled one into account. They feel education should be free and wouldnt penalise one child for doing a career that cost them £ when another got their training paid for in-house. Ditto they wouldnt give help to the non disabled GC as they dont have extra costs of disability or need specialist support. We all have different lives with different challenges and dont expect the same every time but know our parents have each of our backs.

Money for school fees for GC is excluded from limits on lifetime gifts and so can be a very tax efficient way of giving away money if inheritance tax is likely to be an issue. Also this generation of kids have it hard enough so why wouldnt you help if you could? She could give a small gift to her other DC like £1000 or treat her to a holiday etc but shouldnt feel she has to match it £ for £.

What if dd2 has been having miscarriage after miscarriage and is childless as a result? Can you imagine the added distress of seeing the entitled sister cash in because of her superior reproductive capacity?

@mamnotmum

I'd say agree to pay the money for every grandchild. If one of the daughters chooses not to have any children then she doesn't get any of the money because the money is for school fees?

so reproduce or no gift?

handmaid's tale or what?

I am one of 6 - my mother has always helped out with my daughter’s school fees and none of my other siblings have ever been bothered by this. If any of us ever needed it she would of course help out but it’s not expected that everything is shared equally. We all have different circumstances and at the time I was a single and newly divorced mum.

@SpaceshiptoMars

What if dd2 has been having miscarriage after miscarriage and is childless as a result? Can you imagine the added distress of seeing the entitled sister cash in because of her superior reproductive capacity?

@SpaceshiptoMars get a grip

Hmm, I don't this is cut and dried.
In my family, we have a long history of grandparents helping out with school fees. My grandparents helped out with DB and my school fees, my parents are helping out with my children's school fees, I will help out with their children's school fees when the time comes.
My DB does not have children. He is obviously not receiving help with school fees, but equally he has no responsibility to pay towards school fees in the future.
Of course, there's no legal responsibility for me to help with my future DGC's school fees, but if I can, I will.
The difference might be that there was strong preference from my DP for my DC to be educated privately, and there's plenty of money sloshing around, so no-one will be left without, even if there are care home fees to pay.
Treating people fairly doesn't necessarily mean treating people equally.

Your friend is obviously financially comfortable but not well off if she would have to tighten her belt to also give £10k a year to DD2 as well. I would be saying to DD1, if I pay this for your child, are you prepared to step up and pay for a nursing home if the time came I needed one?

In our family the motto is everyone gets help if they need it and those giving the help can afford it.

But ‘needing help’ is entirely subjective. So is being able to ‘afford’ it. And that’s where the potential for trouble lies.

give the money to D1, nothing to D2 but change her will to give a greater share to D2 when she dies.

This would seem fair. Although £10k now is worth more than £10k will be in 5, or 10, or 20 years. So your friend might want to think about that.

I think neither should get a penny. If daughter 1 can't afford to pay for her own child then that's tough titty.

I would be the childless sibling in this scenario and I wouldn't begrudge my niece and nephew getting help with their school fees. My DH and I aren't wealthy but we live quite comfortably without any expectation of inheritance. It would be a bit different if the DD was very well off and wanted school fees while the other DDwas struggling to stay afloat.

@FinallyHere

In our family, gifts were given for a purpose, the others would receive the same in the same circumstances.

If the money were a contribution to mortgage, it would be fair for both to get the same.

For example, when my sister married and at the same time, bought a house with her then husband, my parents bought her choice of kitchen appliances as a wedding present.

I did not expect, not receive any such present at the time.

When I bought a house myself, they bought me fridge/freezer etc and reminded me not to expect a further wedding present if I did ever get married.

A fridge freezer is hardly on the same level as £10k a year for the next [x[ years of schooling!

I'd find it very easy to get over it if my parents got my sibling a fridge. Less so if it was £10k/year.

I think your friend needs to talk to both daughters to see what their views are.

In this position I’d be thinking about maxing out the £3k IHT-free gift rule gifts to DD1, DGC, SIL (if relevant) and DD2 and SIL (again, if relevant).. Total of £15k a year. Then reconciling the remaining £3k a year difference or remaining difference via the will.

This would also reduce the issue around inflation in between now and when the will becomes relevant.

Give both children 10k each. It's then up to her dd's how they spend the money, if dd1 decides to spend it on her kids fees then great.

@bigbaggyeyes

Give both children 10k each. It's then up to her dd's how they spend the money, if dd1 decides to spend it on her kids fees then great.

But the request is for £10K per year. Or rather, the request was for annual help and the OP’s friend has decided that could be £10K.

So what’s the point in giving them both £10K? It doesn’t address the issue or whether it’s OK to pay towards school fees for one child, but not give the same money to the other.

I think I'd reflect it in my will.

Interesting, because it's not so clear cut but the grand daughter is a peak in her on right now so granny is directly benefiting her.

Will the other day daughter ever have gc?

Dh has a very generous granny, who has six gc late 20s up to us 40s.she gives to all gc but has started to also give to the great gc. She always gave dh more for the them and now gifts directly.
Which is very sweet. She gives more actually than the grandparents do inspite of their wealth. (they do other stuff for dc but for Xmas or bday they give more)

The problem is that its not just £10k, it's £10k a year. The OP doesn't say what year the children are in but even if they are only talking about paying for the children's private secondary education, that's potentially 7 years (if they stay for A levels) so £70k.

All my siblings have kids but if one didn't and my parents wanted to pay for my DDs education I would feel uncomfortable if my sibling got nothing and I got the better part of £100k over the next decade

@mamnotmum

I'd say agree to pay the money for every grandchild. If one of the daughters chooses not to have any children then she doesn't get any of the money because the money is for school fees?

That’s grossly unfair.