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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents paying school fees/siblings

160 replies

flipflopping · 22/06/2021 12:42

Full disclosure- this isn't my situation but a friend's. I would love to hear people's views though.

My friend is a pensioner and a widow. She has two daughters, one of whom has two daughters of their own (ie my friend's grandchildren).

Daughter 1 has asked my friend whether she would be able to contribute towards the girls' school fees if they went private. Friend would be happy to do so and has offered to pay £10k a year.

Daughter 2 has no children and is unlikely to have any (through choise). She hasn't asked for any money.

My friend is fretting that it's unfair for her to be giving all this money to Daughter 1 and none to Daughter 2. She wonders whether she ought to be giving Daughter 2 £10k a year as well (she could afford to do this but it would mean tightening her belt).

The options would seem to be-

  • give the money to D1, nothing to D2.
  • give the money to D1, nothing to D2 but change her will to give a greater share to D2 when she dies.
  • give both Ds £10k

Or something else? WWYD? If it makes any difference, it's all very amicable and nobody has complained or acted as if they're entitled to my friend's money.

OP posts:
tentotwelve · 22/06/2021 14:41

she could remedy the disparity in her will for the future

As has been frequently pointed out, there may be nothing left if the lady needs nursing home care in the future.

It's a pity she has already offered the money without being aware of all the issues.

RincewindsHat · 22/06/2021 14:43

I think it's a family discussion issue tbh. If the decision is made without consulting D2 and just presented as a fait accompli, she's not going to feel great about it, is she? It will look and feel exactly like favouritism.

BarbarianMum · 22/06/2021 14:46

It would be a gift to her gp, not her dd. But - is she absolutely sure that her ds2 will never have children. Because if she dies the situation becomes more complicated.

It would also be fine for your dd to say no to ds1. Or to be clear that £x pa is the max she can afford and it's not guarentee (fees go up, circumstances change)

BigPyjamas · 22/06/2021 14:46

@tentotwelve

she could remedy the disparity in her will for the future

As has been frequently pointed out, there may be nothing left if the lady needs nursing home care in the future.

It's a pity she has already offered the money without being aware of all the issues.

But there might be plenty money, or she could win the lottery, or she could spend it all on gin and kittens.

Who knows.

A will is always somewhat blind, in the sense that you can never be exactly sure of that the exact outcome will be.

Clearly she has enough to give £10k to one sibling, why should she not just because she might in the future not have as much to leave to the other sibling?

BarbarianMum · 22/06/2021 14:47

If she does not if she dies.

Blossomtoes · 22/06/2021 14:50

she could spend it all on gin and kittens

Now, there’s a good idea! I’m glad we’ll never have this problem, our kids know how vehemently opposed we are to private education.

SofiaMichelle · 22/06/2021 14:53

[quote BigPyjamas]@gardenworks666

I'm curious about why you feel should it be equal?

Also, do you genuinely feel resentful that your parents helped pay for your nephews/nieces' education?

My view would be that different siblings have different needs. I feel that it's fair that your parents spend their money on their children in different ways.

Also, it's their money to spend as they wish, there isn't a requirement to give anything to anyone, or to give equally. [/quote]
What if it was money for a holiday home abroad rather than for private education?

Would that still be fair if one sibling got the £100k and the other nothing?

WeAllHaveWings · 22/06/2021 14:54

Your friend can choose to do whatever she wants

I think it is fair enough to give money to dgc for her schooling. She is not giving it to her dc so she doesn't need to make it up to the same for her other dc unless she really wants to.

The one thing that would be wrong is to give them both 10K and leave herself tight with money. If she feels she needs to give equally to both she should reduce both the amounts.

Mrsmadevans · 22/06/2021 14:55

lf your friend cannot afford to pay the fees without money from her Mum then should she be going ahead with it?

mumwon · 22/06/2021 14:55

over £3000 a year will have inheritance tax issues
&its her daughters choice to send her dc private (expecting a lot from her mum it makes me cringe - entitlement)

MsSquiz · 22/06/2021 14:58

We have a similar situation

BIL has 3 kids at private school and asked FIL if he'd contribute to fees. He has offered to pay for a term for each child (so 3 terms worth of fees)

FIL told DH this and said he would also give us the equivalent of 3 terms worth of fees for when DD goes to school (she is only 18 months atm)

No idea if SIL (no children, not by choice) knows about this or has been offered an equivalent. I'd imagine if she finds out about it, she will ask for an equivalent.

In reality, we don't need the money but appreciate the offer for DD. We have never received monetary gifts from PIL, whereas SIL has towards house refurbishment, so maybe FIL sees it as the fees evening out the gifts.

If it were me, I'd offer an equivalent gift of money, to make things more fair in my eyes

BigPyjamas · 22/06/2021 15:00

@SofiaMichelle

Yes, still fair. It's their money to spend, it's not for anyone else to say how it is spent.

Your example isn't quite the same as education is perhaps more essential than a lovely 4 bed house in the Dordogne, but if one sibling wanted/needed a holiday home, and asked, and the parent was happy to pay, that's 'fair'.

It's fair because there is no requirement to be equal, it is entirely up to the parent to spend their money as they wish. And presumably either sibling could put in requests.

Wouldn't it be better if everyone stopped making presumptions on their parents income?

Holly60 · 22/06/2021 15:02

@Sarahseyes

All I can think of here is the inheritance tax implications which are making me cringe. Hope that has been thought of too.

I don’t agree DD2 should get nothing. It ISNT just a gift for grandchildren. The parents have decided private schooling is best for the child, but they must have the ability to pay it fully themselves (I read that they can but would be tighter, so help for DM would be appreciated). This therefore means DD1 is 10k better off than she would have been.

I don’t think you should send the message that DD2 is to receive less inheritance because she didn’t have kids.

I agree with this. DD1 will have 10k more in her pocket each year than she would have done without her DMs contribution, as presumably she would be sending her DDs to private school with or without her DMs contribution.

DD2 should not be punished for not having children. It will breed resentment.

The other option is to give both DDs less each year. So give them £7, 000 each per year rather than £10, 000. That way DD1 still gets help with school fees but your friend is not so out of pocket.

I am presuming that DD1 can afford the fees but has asked if her mum could contribute to make it less impactful? If she can’t afford the fees without her mum’s contribution, then I’m a bit Hmm about the whole thing….

ViewFromTheSteeple · 22/06/2021 15:06

I would be pissed off if I was the other daughter. My SIL got a chunk of money from PIL to help her buy her ex husband out of the house, totally understandable and absolutely no resentment from Dh.

But £10k per year for 10+ years of schooling that would allow the other daughter to not have to pay that out is effectively giving the daughter the £10k. Their choice to privately educate, your friend could stop payment at any stage through choice or not so the daughter needs to be able to maintain the payments herself. If she can, she should be paying it herself and not tapping her mother for £10k.

deste · 22/06/2021 15:08

Depending on the age of the child, it won’t be £10000. Is it £10000 a year or is this for the child’s last year at school?

godmum56 · 22/06/2021 15:10

[quote BigPyjamas]@SofiaMichelle

Yes, still fair. It's their money to spend, it's not for anyone else to say how it is spent.

Your example isn't quite the same as education is perhaps more essential than a lovely 4 bed house in the Dordogne, but if one sibling wanted/needed a holiday home, and asked, and the parent was happy to pay, that's 'fair'.

It's fair because there is no requirement to be equal, it is entirely up to the parent to spend their money as they wish. And presumably either sibling could put in requests.

Wouldn't it be better if everyone stopped making presumptions on their parents income?[/quote]
Wouldn't it be better if everyone stopped making presumptions on their parents income?

and sensible!

ifonly4 · 22/06/2021 15:10

As it's something DD1 has asked for (her choice about private school as a parent), then DD2 should be treated equally, either the same amount of money each year (or if friend is guaranteed to have that sum on death - have to think of care home fees) then DD2 gets more at that point.

By the way, if DD1 really needs £10,000 to fund private school, then it might be worth her applying for a part bursary.

motogogo · 22/06/2021 15:11

My parents helped when one of my DD's got a generous bursary to private school and has given both DD's money towards university. She hasn't given money to my brothers to compensate but my DD's are the beneficiaries of both my brothers wills as neither have kids, one of them I know has given the kids money for extras at university too

SofiaMichelle · 22/06/2021 15:12

Your example isn't quite the same as education is perhaps more essential than a lovely 4 bed house in the Dordogne...

That's sort of the bit I was getting at. Once it gets to the point of critiquing each siblings' life choices to decide what they 'deserve', it becomes unfair and opens up the road to resentment.

But I completely agree regarding anyone having designs on their parents' money, for any reason. It's so presumptuous and grabby!

FlorenceWintle · 22/06/2021 15:13

I would give them both the same. Unfair on the childfree sibling otherwise.

If she can’t quite afford it, she should drop the amount to less than £10K.

funnelfanjo · 22/06/2021 15:21

This isn't Daughter1 being on the bones of her arse needing help, she has asked her mother for money for an "extra". The fact it's for her own daughters is a red herring, private schooling is very rarely a necessity.

In that case, to be fair, the mother ought to make some kind of consideration towards Daughter2 to make it fair. The disadvantage of adjusting the will is that she won't be able to guarantee to be able to redress the balance in the will (7 years of schooling at £10k py?), eg if she needs to pay for care in her later years. She should talk to Daughter2 and ask her opinion - the silence around the topic could do far more damage than the actual monetary cost.

Shedbuilder · 22/06/2021 15:22

@SofiaMichelle

The only fair way is to equally gift money to both siblings.

Forget that it's for school fees cheeky grasping fuckers (CGFs) for asking/begging for a handout in the first place, it's just a request for money regardless of the purpose.

If DD1 is getting £100k then DD2 gets £100k as well.

Anything else is putting value on one sibling's life choices - or even reproductive health(!) - over the other's.

I'm sure that the grandparent will be gifting handsomely to the grandchildren separately - and absolutely no issue with that, anyone would do it if they could - but favouritism to one sibling, at the level of school fees, is absolutely out of order if the grandmother values her family's feelings.

This, absolutely. I know on Mumsnet no one cares about whether they inherit or not and everyone believes that other people can spend their money how they wish, but in the real world these things matter very much and can split families. Maybe they shouldn't but they do.

Financially supporting one child's life choices, particularly when it's for a luxury purchase (because private school is a luxury purchase), isn't a good idea. And would it just end at school fees, or would Mum be asked to keep forking out for university fees and higher degrees? Seven years of school fees each and then another three or four each for university?

Lotsolove · 22/06/2021 15:24

Why would you give D2 money to educate children she doesn’t have?

amicissimma · 22/06/2021 15:25

Fair and equal are not the same thing.

I was brought up to understand that we don't always get what we want nor what we think we deserve. And to be happy for others when they get a helping hand even if we would have liked similar. It's served me well, comparison being the thief of joy.

I have tried to bring my DC up the same and would consider that I had failed them if one resented it if I had the power to help the other but either didn't do so because I couldn't equal my gift, or didn't give arbitary and less-needed assistance to the other as well.

fabulousathome · 22/06/2021 15:26

If you give a regular gift out of income and it does not change your lifestyle (the lifestyle of the giver) then no inheritance tax is payable, even though it is more than 3k.

For example if the giver had an income of 20k, giving 10k of it per year would change their lifestyle.

If the giver had an income of 200k per year it would not.

Check the amounts with a specialist lawyer/accountant.