Grandparents paying school fees/siblings

[flipflopping]

Full disclosure- this isn't my situation but a friend's. I would love to hear people's views though.

My friend is a pensioner and a widow. She has two daughters, one of whom has two daughters of their own (ie my friend's grandchildren).

Daughter 1 has asked my friend whether she would be able to contribute towards the girls' school fees if they went private. Friend would be happy to do so and has offered to pay £10k a year.

Daughter 2 has no children and is unlikely to have any (through choise). She hasn't asked for any money.

My friend is fretting that it's unfair for her to be giving all this money to Daughter 1 and none to Daughter 2. She wonders whether she ought to be giving Daughter 2 £10k a year as well (she could afford to do this but it would mean tightening her belt).

The options would seem to be-

• give the money to D1, nothing to D2.
• give the money to D1, nothing to D2 but change her will to give a greater share to D2 when she dies.
• give both Ds £10k

Or something else? WWYD? If it makes any difference, it's all very amicable and nobody has complained or acted as if they're entitled to my friend's money.

If help is needed to pay for private school, then they can’t choose that option IMO. The fees go up every year, not to mention all the associated costs and trips, uniform etc. What happens if DG passes away leaving little inheritance? It’s a slippery slope and I wouldn’t entertain it at all.

Money in families always causes grief if it isn’t equal. Just don’t go there, unless every person can be treated the same. I’ve seen it go wrong in DHs family and it leaves an utter mess behind.

This same situation happened in my family. My grandma gave my parents money for 3 x children's private school fees. She gave the same amount of money to her other daughter who had 2 children but chose to send them to state school. She could quite easily afford to do this though, I don't much belt tightening went on.

I really don't think the 2 DD's should be treated differently-
resentment can easily sneak -I think the only way it is really fair is if they both get the same.

What if DD2 has children (I know she has no plans to now but life doesn't always go to plan) after her DM dies and there is no provision for them? Or needs the money for something else?

I think this sort of thing-however well intentioned often goes badly.
And if the DM can''t comfortably afford to help then she should decline politely.

@GreyhoundG1rl

I don't think private school should be on anyone's radar if they need their parents to finance it... But that's not what you asked.

I agree with this unless there is a specific need, such as a dyslexic or bullied child where a different school might be the only thing that will make an important difference. In that case, cheeky or, you do what you can! I wouldn’t find it cheeky to be asked.

But just a preference for private? No. Pay for your own kids.

@flipflopping

I would say to your friend be careful not to give too much away since she may need care in her older years and it costs lots.

The reason I say this is I have recently had to look for local authority care for my FIL, he has no property or savings. The options are DIRE. There are now lots of homes (the decent ones in the main) that will not accept LA funded care or want a top up (additional £900 per week for some) and so she could give her money away and then end up having a poor standard residential home should she need one. One social worker suggested supported living with visits which was totally unsafe. Made me think about ensuring money is kept for at least decent care.

Completely honestly, I'd be gutted if my parents gave my sibling 10k and me nothing.

It doesn't matter what it is for, with the only exceptions being if it was to pay for life changing medical care or if a SEN child was involved. Thats more of a giving your children equality imo, but noone 'needs' private school, its a huge luxury and the DD asking for a contribution is over stepping the mark.

Also, it not just school fee's to pay, there's uniforms, class trips, class fundraisers etc. Have they considered all that?

I think to pay the School fees if she can .Maybe offer to buy DD2 a car ? or some money as a one off help for her mortgage maybe.Sometimes its bewildering having so much choice!

It's for her grandchildren, not her daughter. But if she feels bad she could leave an extra amount in her will. But perhaps mention that to both daughters at some point to make sure everyone's happy.

I completely disagree with those saying DD2 gets nothing and it’s a gift to the grandchildren

It’s not, it’s allowing DD1 to continue to have their lifestyle AND the children get to go to a private school. If they wanted the children to go to a private school then I firmly believe either they tighten their own belts, and send them, or both daughters get the same money, either annually, or by changing the will

Why should DD2 suffer a lose in inheritance because DD1 won’t tighten their own belts, or can’t afford to do something they would like to do for their children

IMO, it doesn’t matter what D1 uses the money for. She’s essentially just asked her mum for 10K - it’s her choice to spend it on school fees. That’s a choice she’s making, nobody needs private school. Especially if they can’t afford it without granny’s help!
The other daughter shouldn’t be penalised for not having children. Keep it as fair as possible to avoid fall outs and resentment. So each get the same in my book. Although your friend should not be tightening her belt. She needs to take care of herself and her future too!

£10k for 2 kids to go private? It’s not going to cover much is it?.

I think you miss one important option:

• just say no. As in PPs, if her daughter can’t afford fees, she shouldn’t be sending the kids to a private school.

I don’t think there’s an issue with different financial help. Fair isn’t always equal and all that.

I’m one of 6.
One low earning sibling has often had one off gifts like white goods.
One on ESA long term has half their rent paid every month for years.
I’ve had nothing - but am grateful I haven’t needed it.

In fact, thinking about it:

• 2 have had substantial money from parents, tens of thousands over the years
• 1 has had maybe £10K total
• 2 had help during uni that those first 3 didn’t, as they didn’t go
• 1 (me!) has had nothing (I am one of the two highest earners)

I think why there appears to be little resentment, is that we all think the money spent is “fair”. I can’t feel aggrieved when a low earning sister has her broken washing machine replaced. The only point of resentment for me, is a sibling getting the rent support, but has a 2 bed and I think they should have a 1 bed (my parents aren’t wealthy, my dad is working in his 70s to provide this rent support). Even then, it’s not resentment that I’m cross with parents or think they should give me the same amount now or via will. It’s simply that I think the other sibling is an entitled little shit.

So…

If my mum helped pay my niece’s school fees for a private school that supported her autism, I’d be probably chipping in too!
But if are paid it because my sister wanted to have some kind of snobby kudos of a private school… I’d resent it and wish my mum wasn’t doing it, and I’d think my sister was taking the piss. But I still wouldn’t want to be like her by receiving the same.

It really does depend on the personalities and so on of the people involved.

My PiL pay the school fees of half of their grandchildren: the other half don't need them or school differently. We fall into the latter camp - we've never asked them to pay fees.

Neither me or DH give two hoots that they pay for other grandchildren. It's whatever works for each family.I have zero expectation that this will be 'levelled up' in some way - it's absolutely not expected or necessary.

I would be upset only if my PiL didn't love or treat their grandchildren with the same affection and kindness, and they do, so I'm not at all bothered about what they do with their money.

If it were me, it would be an adjustment in my will. £10k a year could very easily be in excess of £100k all told - that’s a big discrepancy and I’d be seriously miffed if I was the childless daughter.

In DD2 situation, I wouldn't be happy if my parent did this. It is eroding her inheritance, meaning that in a roundabout way, DD2 is effectively subsidising DD1's children's schooling.

You don't say how many years of school are left, but if it's say 10 years, that's £100k, which means DD2 loses £50k of her inheritance.

I know on MN you're not supposed to mention inheritance, but honestly, I would be annoyed.

So for me, your friend either gives DD2 £10k a year also, or she makes provision in her will to even up the score on her death. Of course this only works if the estate will be large enough to do so.

their might not be any inheritance.

My exdh in his gp will was given the savings of his GP. His cousin given the house. At the writing of the will they were about the same.
GP went into residential care, all savings used first. When GP died, as per the will cousin got the house. Exdh got the savings (nil left)

So give the money now to both. Or not at all. Inheritance is not guaranteed

How old are the grandchildren? At DD's day school, which is reasonably cheap, there is a good £1,500/year difference in termly fees between years 1-12 (so that is quite a lot more money to find each year if you have two children). That's before the endless "extras" like music lessons and trips and inflation.

I think your friend needs to have a discussion with DD2 to see how she feels. I would be inclined to leave her more in the will.

She should also remember that a lot of lifetime gifts may need to be included in an estate for inheritance tax purposes (and tax may be payable by the recipient of the gift). Will DD be able to afford that or will DD2 have to agree that the Estate pays up? I only mention it because it almost became an issue for my mother's Estate.

In my family, my parents have given both me and my brother financial support over the years. I got some money when buying a house (twice), my brother got help with a house deposit and also with uni fees when my SIL returned to education as an adult.

My parents preferred to give us money towards something specific rather than "oh x is having money so here's some for you too". They've kept track of it all and I believe any differences will be reflected in their will.

can I point out again that "what's in the will" means NOTHING until the person is dead and the money is still there. Making promises and adjusting wills may feel like solid guarantees but even when they are done in good faith, they have no meaning or value until the person dies.

@Fluffycloudland77

£10k for 2 kids to go private? It’s not going to cover much is it?.

It’s a sizeable chunk! It’s annual, so for a £5K a year school, £30K fees, it’s a third!

*£5K a term!

My DH is “daughter 2” in this. GP’s gave money for his elder siblings’ 2 DC towards living costs through their (4 year) degrees, plus an MA for one of them. £5K each per year, so a total of 85K. It meant they didn’t need student loans. We never said a word.

Then MIL ‘found’ a forgotten savings account with 18K in it and decided she wanted to give it to us, in part to redress the balance. We said thank you very much, and used the money to replace both our cars with new/nearly new.

A couple of years later, sil and bil wrote to mil to say they needed a new car and asked for £18K, which she gave them. We never said a word.

DN1 was in a position to buy a house….. with the help of 50K from Grandma. A couple of years later, Grandma died. Sil proposed that Grandma would have wanted to help DN2 with a house as well, so DH agreed to a deed of variation on the will so that DN2 could have 50K from the estate before he got his half.

Never said a word. Glad we’re not grabby and entitled and don’t bear grudges. It’s not worth it.

Friend should do what she is comfortable doing.

If dd2 is a high earner then she might be happy with inheriting £140k more than her sister (Reception to y13) but it's a massive risk because their mum might need care in which case there might not be the funds available to inherit.

Of course dd2 benefits from the 10k a year. The gd benefits from the education but it's 10k (after tax) that dd1 doesn't have to earn or find.

I think that dd1 can't really afford private schools so was cheeky to ask. She needs to find a different solution like moving to where state schools are better (I'm assuming that the switch to private is about poor state schooling )

I definitely think that the mum shouldn't give £20k and tighten her belt because of it. I would personally calculate an amount that didn't need belt tightening and divide by two (if she wants to proceed)

Bloody hell though - not the point of the thread, but I wish I had £10K a year to give away and it’s only doubling it that would cause me to tighten my belt 🙈

That should have been £45K not 85, shouldn’t it? I can’t count.