Bridal couple requesting no "boxed gifts"... Is this normal or cheeky?

[weekendbreak101]

I'm invited to the wedding of a friend. Not a particularly close friend but we've known each other a long time.
On the invitation, the couple have requested "no boxed gifts"..
Can't help feeling this is a bit cheeky... I presume they mean no kettles, toasters, crockery sets and that kind of stuff but to rule out anything that comes in a box??
Feeling a bit annoyed, as I feel it's an indirect way of saying "we prefer money or vouchers". Surely it should be up to the guest what they want to give (or can afford to give) as a gift?
What are other peoples' thoughts on this?

@Solina

I don't get why people get so annoyed about requests for money but a list of stuff seems to be ok? Why would it matter if you give £50 kettle or the same in voucher/money?

Becasue for example, I get given Love to Shop vouchers at work that I can use towards the cost of a gift. Upthread someone said that Clubcard/nectar points etc can be used by people who might have a very tight budget. Or you can sometimes pick up a real bargain.

I was living with my dh for 4/5 years before we married. There was still loads of stuff for the house we needed. Even now, 20 years later I could still come up with a pretty decent all price ranges covered of stuff I'd like for the house.

I’ve always given money because to be honest, I don’t have the time to hum and hah over what to get the couple, I’d hate to get them something that someone else had got them or that they didn’t need.

I’d rather a tenner in a card than boxed items that I don’t need that I then need to dispose of, it’s the worst trying to get stuff transported too. I just don’t get why people would waste their money on an item that’s gonna either be sold or end up in a charity shop 🤷🏻‍♀️

This talk has been done to death. I really don't see the difference in spending £50 for a toaster which you have to order/go into store/carry to the wedding and giving them £50, or £50 gift card. It's the same £50, it seems petty to me...

@vivainsomnia

but when you stop to ask why it's rude.... nothing Nothing? There's been plenty of explanation here. It's don't bad manners to DEMAND gifts.

It's like kids demanding X, Y and Z for Xmas from more distant relatives. Just rude, end of.

Who's demanding any gifts? They're asking OP not to give them specific gifts. How is that rude? It's more rude for the guest to get them stuff they didn't want or need and specifically asked not to be given. If you can't or don't want to give people cash or vouchers, just write them a nice card or something, why would you need to be spiteful about them not wanting stuff?

Personally I don't see anything wrong with giving cash (in fact I prefer it) or implying cash would be better than gifts - I'd always much rather give something I know they'd really like or find useful.

Becasue for example, I get given Love to Shop vouchers at work that I can use towards the cost of a gift.

You vould actually just put them in a nice envelope and be done with it. If you feel generous, buy couple extra. There is nothing wrong with voucher for multiple shops. No box, doesn't mean hard cash

@Lucidas

Standard in Asian culture.

It’s also standard in any other culture other than White British culture. You don’t see West Indian, African, Polish/Slavic, Russian, East Asian, Middle Eastern, Latin American and other cultures getting upset about this. Hell, even other parts of Western Europe are fine with this including Belgians and Irish. It’s just White British people with the stupid hang up.

@vivainsomnia

If you did research you would find out they want a card and few notes in it You're right, I'd forgotten some people are greedy enough to only appreciate cash.

Why is it ‘greedy’ to be delighted with £30 in a card, but not ‘greedy’ to have a list from which a £30 gift can be selected? My DS and his partner both own their own properties and have equipped them well. If/when they marry, there is not a lot in the way of ‘stuff’ that they need, and anything they did want would be expensive; new sofa, larger dining table, garden furniture…

I don't think there is anything outrageous about it. We got asked via Mums whether there was a 'list'. Extended family wanted to buy us something so we had a list with John Lewis. It was certainly expected with the older family relatives in particular. We had quite a few of DH's work friends/colleagues attend and they clubbed together and gave us a generous amount of vouchers for John Lewis, it wasn't expected and we said to friends on the invite not to bother but they did. All of our friends bar one gave JL vouchers rather than something from the list so I think younger people if they are to bother prefer it.

@Chickychickydodah

Get them a £10 Amazon voucher and put it in a box

Gifts given at Indian or Romany wedding are noted in the Big Book next to the giver’s name and when it came time for any big event for them, they would get the same type of gift back. The potential social disgrace stops stupid shit like what you suggested.

My thought is that you should decline the invitation freeing up a place for someone who actually likes, respects and is happy for the couple.

£25 Primark vouchers it is.

Or you can sometimes pick up a real bargain.

It really doesn’t matter how much of a ‘bargain’ it is if it’s something people don’t want or need and will end up in a charity shop.

A fiver in a card, that you can buy a drink with, strikes me as a much better present than stuff for the sake of stuff.

Why is it cheeky?
Surely allowing the bride and groom to buy what the like with money and vouchers is much better than them receiving gifts that they won’t use and will potentially end up in landfill or regifted? It also makes it much easier as you don’t have to go looking for a nice gift for them, cash and vouchers is much easier. You were going to spend money to buy a gift anyway?

What do you do with things you really don't need/like/want?

According to my mum, you still gratefully use it, or you store it carefully in one of the cupboard and get it out when the donator is visiting.

If like me you haven't got unlimited space and hate clutter, you write a thank you card about it, then you chuck it.

There is absolutely nothing in 'no boxed gifts' that suggests guests are expected to give cash. Just, if they DO want to give the couple something, money/vouchers would be appreciated - and actual, physical items, not.

People who think this is 'rude', 'cheeky', 'tacky' etc. are, frankly, bonkers - and clearly have never been invited to a wedding by anyone they actually give a toss about.

And the person who said 'it's rude to express a preference about what you want until you've been asked' has clearly never been to, nor heard or read about, a wedding before at all. The default position, 100% (and whether the couple likes it or not), is 'guests must bring a gift'.

@TooBigForMyBoots

My thought is that you should decline the invitation freeing up a place for someone who actually likes, respects and is happy for the couple.

Amen!

@vivainsomnia

I find it absolutely mind blowing that people would prefer to buy gifts to be consigned to a charity shop rather than actually give people what they want Who said that would be a preference? I wouldn't buy anything randomly, that's stupid. I either know the people well and get them something I know they would really want or get them something like tea afternoon at a lovely place etc...

As the person giving the gift, I hate to be dictated what I should gift. It's not a request any li get, it's a demand. It's the ultimate attitude of entitlement in my view.

They might hate being dictated to about where and when they go out to tea.

I've got to the age where a voucher for afternoon tea at the arse end of nowhere seems to be popular. I've given some away, I've trekked to others and probably spent more on petrol than I would buying some nice cakes and putting my feet up at home.

It is normal to ask for monetary gifts rather than physical gifts but it does sound like it could have been stated in a better way. We did a poem on our invites saying that we didn't expect or desire any gifts but if people wanted to they could contribute to our Honeymoon fund

@junipertree2

£25 Primark vouchers it is.

Is that supposed to be hilarious? Because that would be a great gift for me, and certainly more welcome than a carefully chosen, overpriced photo frame with a picture of you and me in it.

@khakiandcoral

What do you do with things you really don't need/like/want?

According to my mum, you still gratefully use it, or you store it carefully in one of the cupboard and get it out when the donator is visiting.

If like me you haven't got unlimited space and hate clutter, you write a thank you card about it, then you chuck it.

You are wise. I cluttered a cupboard for 20 years before I was wise/brave enough to do it.

We asked for money towards our honeymoon as we already had lived together for 3 years, had everything for our house and weren't going to be starting a family for a while! I don't mind people asking the same, what does wind me up are the twee poems. Just ask nicely.

@Trinacham

It is normal to ask for monetary gifts rather than physical gifts but it does sound like it could have been stated in a better way. We did a poem on our invites saying that we didn't expect or desire any gifts but if people wanted to they could contribute to our Honeymoon fund

Yeah, sorry, Mumsnet hates that, too. A POEM? OMGurd, how, like, todally tacky!

I should add when DD was born DH's work colleagues clubbed together and again bought a Liberty's selection of baby clothes. They also bought me a voucher for a spa in London. Some people do still want to celebrate big life events with gifts etc.

I’d love to hear what some of these well considered gifts have been. Please share so I’ve got some ideas for the future. I find choosing presents really difficult.

Ok Mumsnet: exactly how should a couple who have been living together for years with everything we possibly need (and to our own taste), have a child, maybe not in the first flush of youth, phrase that we don't want presents, OR money for our wedding and literally just want to have a lovely day with our friends and family, donation to charity if they wish to.

As it seems from some of these responses there is no right way and someone will take offence however you phrase it and brand you a CF unless you slip an essay on the subject in the invite.

Serious question, invites going out soon.