Bridal couple requesting no "boxed gifts"... Is this normal or cheeky?

[weekendbreak101]

I'm invited to the wedding of a friend. Not a particularly close friend but we've known each other a long time.
On the invitation, the couple have requested "no boxed gifts"..
Can't help feeling this is a bit cheeky... I presume they mean no kettles, toasters, crockery sets and that kind of stuff but to rule out anything that comes in a box??
Feeling a bit annoyed, as I feel it's an indirect way of saying "we prefer money or vouchers". Surely it should be up to the guest what they want to give (or can afford to give) as a gift?
What are other peoples' thoughts on this?

@Aprilx

I have heard of people asking for money before, which I will never like no matter how much others defend it. But I have never heard it worded as “no boxed gifts” before. Before I read the responses, I assumed they were concerned about managing their recycling bin and wanted people to dispose of the boxes and packaging for them. I would have presented them with an unboxed toaster. 🤣

Me too! I totally read it as an request in favour of environmental concerns 😂

I can't wrap my head around wanting to spend so much time researching a gift and lugging it over rather than sticking money in a card that the couple would prefer, but then old fashioned etiquette often doesn't make a whole lot of sense, thankfully younger generations aren't so prim about all this nonsense
It's not at all about the money, it's about the expectation that really is a demand. I might decide to give cash to a couple, I just don't like to be told to do so to attend a wedding.

Just like not everyone like the presents they receive, not everyone enjoy themselves at the weddings they are invited to. I found the wedding of my OH's colleague an absolute bore. The ceremony was tedious, lacks complete personality, the meal was areal disappointment and the atmosphere was dreadful. Couldn't wait to get out. All in my view of course.

We always give cash gifts but I think it’s incredibly rude to request a particular form of present.

If you did research you would find out they want a card and few notes in it
You're right, I'd forgotten some people are greedy enough to only appreciate cash.

I was buying off an online wedding present list last night, and getting (unreasonably) irritated by it.

The (really lovely) couple have lived together for ten years. Both have well-paid careers, and they have bought and furnished their house and lived there happily for the last three years. Their wedding eas postponed from last year due to the pandemic.

Choosing among table lamps, oven gloves, le Creuset, bedding and crystal glasses, obviously chosen to suit all budgets, it just felt like stuff chosen for the sake of it. They already have table lamps, oven gloves, cook pots and bakeware (including some le Creuset), bedding and glasses - although maybe not crystal.

I would rather have just been asked for money which they could then have chosen to spend on whatever they prioritised, when they were ready. Holidays, home improvements, meals out or crystal glasses - their choice, although I doubt the glasses would be a priority if they were directly spending the money themselves.

Wedding presents come from a time, and relate to a context, where the couple are setting up their first home. Many couples are now often well beyond that point at their wedding.

I am very, very happy to give them a gift in celebration of their marriage, but duplicate or upgraded boxed goods just feels like consumerism for the sake of it.

I think giving money is sensible but I don't like people asking. I always thought you sent the invite, people accepted and asked (maybe one of the mothers) about gift lists and nowadays the usual answer is they would appreciate money or vouchers for John Lewis or somewhere.

It's a gift - give what you want

If you buy unwanted tat delightfully tasteful and carefully chosen gift that wasn't wanted, at worst the couple will bin it, at best they will politely get it out of the cellar the one time you will visit them.

Is that really necessary?

It’s the waste that gets me. Can we not move on from stuff for the sake of stuff?

How is asking for cash anymore greedy or cheeky than providing a list of 'things' you want? It's the same thing wrapped up in a different bow.

You could really stick it to them and just shit in a gift bag...

@vivainsomnia

If you did research you would find out they want a card and few notes in it You're right, I'd forgotten some people are greedy enough to only appreciate cash.

It's not greed🙄

Maybe you would waste the research anyway. Why would you even go to wedding of someone you don't like

I'd never ask for money as a wedding gift. I think it's absolutely one of the most tacky things a couple can do. Especially when the make up silly poems to beat around the bush, sugar coating it because they know it's rude.

@vivainsomnia

If you did research you would find out they want a card and few notes in it You're right, I'd forgotten some people are greedy enough to only appreciate cash.

But it's not cash is it? I bet you would frown at wedding list too, or honeymoon gifts.

I think things have changed , nowadays homes are styled , weddings are often paid for by the bride and groom themselves . I think its a sensible idea.

Who even gives gifts these days - surely money is the norm

I didn’t write on the invite anything about what we did or didn’t want - but all we received was cash! Nobody got us any sort of boxed gift - I’d have assumed you don’t need to mention it 😂

@rexanonymous

I assume all the posters saying its cheeky have never been to an Asian wedding because no boxed gifts/moneyin a card is normal. I'd actually be surprised if they asked for gifts

Was going to say the same thing - this is very common for Indian weddings.

I think I'd prefer people to just say 'Vouchers or money to help us.... [whatever reasonable thing]' rather than pussyfoot about it. I'm actually not too bothered about people asking for money for things or whatever, it's their wedding and their priorities for life, whether that be John Lewis vouchers or money to furnish and new home or even a dream honeymoon if that's what they want.

Are they white British?

In plenty of cultures/countries people would be astonished if you turned up at a wedding with a boxed gift - even a fancy one.

If the bride & groom are white British it's a bit cringe, but at the risk of sounding like a massive bitch, I honestly don't think as many people are taught the basic rules of etiquette (which are designed to help people avoid ever being embarrassed socially - what's not to like about that?) any more, so they might honestly not KNOW they're being gauche.

You can't fix that, so just go along with it and give them what they have requested. Sucks if you're cash poor though. Being asked for money is really embarrassing for people who don't have ready cash, and the couple should know that - it's bad form of them to put any of their guests in that position.

I hate any assumption that I’m buying anyone a gift EVER.
This applies to all & any occasion.

That's one thing I'll never understand.

If you have friends or family getting married, who have everything already (I really wouldn't recommend going straight from your parents house to your marital home anyway!), and are not into expensive china or silverware.

Surely giving a contribution to their honeymoon and making it extra special should make you happy?

Why are people so bitter and resentful about it? Is it jealousy because someone else has a better "holiday" than theirs?

What's the point of a flipping toaster? I don't even own a toaster! They crowd the worktops, and I have a perfectly good grill in an oven, and toasting bread flat means you can put anything you want on it

Buy a toaster, take it out of the box and put a box on top*. Job done.

*advice should be taken tongue in cheek and response depend on whether you like them or not

@vegas888

Just take the kettle out of the box and wrap it 😂

Yeah, I thought the same, though toaster in a carrier bag was more my way of thinking

@vivainsomnia

But in this country, apparently we have to play the awkward wedding present dance where everyone knows they should take a present to a wedding It doesn't have to be so. I really really really didn't want any presents, nor did my OH. Some people travelled from far to the wedding, people we invited but didn't expect to come due to personal issues made the effort to come, everyone was welcoming to those who didn't know anyone.

I was so grateful for all this. It was the nicest presents we could have got. Money is just that, money. I would value 100 times more a well thought present, even if not fully to my taste than a £50 bill.

It's no surprise so many people are disatisfied and depressed with life when they out do much value on material things rather than just being grateful for company.

What do you do with things you really don't need/like/want? I remember being given a hideous teapot when I got married. It sat in a cupboard for 20 years as I felt I had to keep it and eventually went to a charity shop. To me it was hideous, hopefully the giver liked it but I couldn't help wondering if they felt they had to buy something but didn't want to give me anything nice.

I'd much rather give someone £50 or £100 that they can use for something they need/want/like, it avoids so much waste.

Get them a £10 Amazon voucher and put it in a box

There’s plenty of ways to do the “no boxed gifts” on almost any budget. Having been to many Asian weddings often I’ll buy the discounted restaurant vouchers from Costco or use points towards a voucher or grab a voucher for something from Groupon so the gift appears more generous than it was. It’s nowhere near the dictatorial grabby thing some on here think it is. Also they don’t say give us money or don’t attend so it’s quite rude to assume that’s the intent.

I thought this was a traditional term - like “wedding breakfast” means meal after a wedding ceremony, “boxed gifts” are gifts that are generic “things”, the faceless stuff you’d buy. Id read it as the opposite of grabby- they’re saying they don’t want people to buy generic stuff for the sake of stuff, probably because they have enough already. So of course you could gift nothing, or give vouchers, or cash, or something handmade or particularly personal, or donate to charity, or take them for lunch in a couple months, or invite them to dinner or just don’t do anything, whatever.