Bridal couple requesting no "boxed gifts"... Is this normal or cheeky?

[weekendbreak101]

I'm invited to the wedding of a friend. Not a particularly close friend but we've known each other a long time.
On the invitation, the couple have requested "no boxed gifts"..
Can't help feeling this is a bit cheeky... I presume they mean no kettles, toasters, crockery sets and that kind of stuff but to rule out anything that comes in a box??
Feeling a bit annoyed, as I feel it's an indirect way of saying "we prefer money or vouchers". Surely it should be up to the guest what they want to give (or can afford to give) as a gift?
What are other peoples' thoughts on this?

As I always say on these threads, most people have the sense to realise that a couple who already live together don't need another toaster so give money anyway - so what's the point in requesting it except to be rude and possibly offend the very few guests who'd rather not give cash, perhaps because they can't afford much?

We said “no presents” for a few reasons- we lived abroad but we’re getting married in the U.K. so carting things back would have been a faff, we were quite well off so didn’t need money for a Honeymoon etc and some people were travelling quite far to attend so we knew that they would already be spending a lot (we paid for accommodation for the “top 20”guests).

However one friend gave us a toaster and it is fab, miles better than our old one and still going strong .

On a separate note, where I grew up in small town Scotland it was traditional to have a “show of presents” after the wedding. The couple would hire a hall and lay out all the toasters and towels and crockery with a label saying who gave what, then the local old ladies would come along for a cup of tea and to offer congratulations/have a snoop. I’m not sure if things were bought off lists in those days but there never seemed to be much duplication. I suspect that the guests liaised with the bride’s mother in an informal way. I went to these events as a child in the 1980s, they probably don’t happen any more.

So you buy bed linen or towels. Job done.

But it's not cash is it? I bet you would frown at wedding list too, or honeymoon gifts
Absolutely. It's the principle I can't stand. Demanding more money from people who already spend quite a bit just for the sake of being able to attend.

How many threads do we get about wedding invites and people asking advice because they can't afford to go where it's located, or have to pay a babysitter because kids are not allowed etc...Yet people think it is perfectly acceptable to still ask for more. So entitled.

Gifts are a tradition from a time when indeed,people NEEDED kettles and the rest because they genuinely couldn't afford these. Now people want cash for the pleasure to go shopping, or go on a fancy honeymoon.

As said, I don't like the attitude around these type of weddings and I've made my excuse to some of these and will continue to do so.

Nothing? There's been plenty of explanation here. It's don't bad manners to DEMAND gifts.

It's like kids demanding X, Y and Z for Xmas from more distant relatives. Just rude, end of.

Whoever said that people should demand gifts? I'd completely agree that it would be rude to put 'You need to give us money' on the wedding invitation, but then it would also be rude to put 'you need to spend £50 on something from this John Lewis list'.

You're using what might be the only communication you have with the guests until the wedding day to tell them what you 'don't' want. Of course, that carries the implication that you might want to give something different, but people don't actually put that you must give them anything at all.

Not quite the same thing, of course, but I think there are parallels with funerals, where people state 'family flowers only'. It isn't because they're trying to pressurise you into give the cash equivalent to them or a charity - it's because they know what carefully-chosen floral tributes they want the focus to be on and they don't want a load of extra cheap 'obligation purchases' from acquaintances everywhere and having to be dealt with afterwards.

@Goldenbear

I don't think there is anything outrageous about it. We got asked via Mums whether there was a 'list'. Extended family wanted to buy us something so we had a list with John Lewis. It was certainly expected with the older family relatives in particular. We had quite a few of DH's work friends/colleagues attend and they clubbed together and gave us a generous amount of vouchers for John Lewis, it wasn't expected and we said to friends on the invite not to bother but they did. All of our friends bar one gave JL vouchers rather than something from the list so I think younger people if they are to bother prefer it.

I think even oldies are used to it, I'm nearly 70 and haven't bought a gift for a wedding in years. Even my very proper elderly aunt at nearly 90 always writes a cheque, no one has ever asked her but I think 50 years ago she would have bought gifts (she did for my wedding) so she has adapted. Times change, fifty years ago it would have been a source of much gossip if a couple lived together before they married, now lots of people would say you are mad to commit for a lifetime if you haven't lived together.

Times change.

Misunderstand. Take it to mean they don't want a gift. That will have saved you a few bob.

@HaveringWavering

Those were the days but in the part of Scotland I’m from it was generally done the Wednesday night before the wedding. It was great fun.

@junipertree2
"£25 Primark vouchers it is."
Why embarrass yourself and waste your money?

"I get given Love to Shop vouchers at work that I can use towards the cost of a gift. Upthread someone said that Clubcard/nectar points etc can be used by people who might have a very tight budget"

Then use those for your food shopping and give £10 in a card.
We should all be consuming less and be aware of 'stuff for stuffs sake' when buying gifts.
As said, decline and let someone who likes the family go.
With another lock down not being ruled out this winter, everyone should be going with cash. Lifestyles have changed, customs should be changing along with them.

It's more polite than saying please give money if you plan to give a gift. Realistically, most people don't need more 'stuff'. Dh and I were unusual because I moved from abroad to the UK before we got married and dh had never lived anywhere except uni flats or houseshares with friends. So neither of us came to marriage with a kettle or a toaster or any of the normal stuff you get as presents when you get married. We really genuinely needed towels and toasters.

But most people live together now for years before marriage and have all the stuff they need. Money for travel or to save up to buy a big item after the wedding is a much more practical gift. And I think that's a perfectly fine way to say that.

[quote MaBroon21]@HaveringWavering

Those were the days but in the part of Scotland I’m from it was generally done the Wednesday night before the wedding. It was great fun.[/quote]
Like the username! To be honest I just assumed it was after the wedding as I didn’t think the presents would be given in advance. The ones my Mum took me to I had no idea who the couple were and we definitely were not invited the the wedding! I think the presents would have been bought in places like Goldberg’s or C&A or Jenners if you were REALLY fancy.

@Floofsquidge

Ok Mumsnet: exactly how should a couple who have been living together for years with everything we possibly need (and to our own taste), have a child, maybe not in the first flush of youth, phrase that we don't want presents, OR money for our wedding and literally just want to have a lovely day with our friends and family, donation to charity if they wish to.

As it seems from some of these responses there is no right way and someone will take offence however you phrase it and brand you a CF unless you slip an essay on the subject in the invite.

Serious question, invites going out soon.

I'd say don't mention it till your asked but obviously some don't agree with that.

Demanding more money from people who already spend quite a bit just for the sake of being able to attend.

Of course it would be rude to demand, but as no one is actually doing this, it’s irrelevant.

@Scarby9

I was buying off an online wedding present list last night, and getting (unreasonably) irritated by it.

The (really lovely) couple have lived together for ten years. Both have well-paid careers, and they have bought and furnished their house and lived there happily for the last three years. Their wedding eas postponed from last year due to the pandemic.

Choosing among table lamps, oven gloves, le Creuset, bedding and crystal glasses, obviously chosen to suit all budgets, it just felt like stuff chosen for the sake of it. They already have table lamps, oven gloves, cook pots and bakeware (including some le Creuset), bedding and glasses - although maybe not crystal.

I would rather have just been asked for money which they could then have chosen to spend on whatever they prioritised, when they were ready. Holidays, home improvements, meals out or crystal glasses - their choice, although I doubt the glasses would be a priority if they were directly spending the money themselves.

Wedding presents come from a time, and relate to a context, where the couple are setting up their first home. Many couples are now often well beyond that point at their wedding.

I am very, very happy to give them a gift in celebration of their marriage, but duplicate or upgraded boxed goods just feels like consumerism for the sake of it.

That doesn't matter at all to me though I would be a little at second and third marriages and people doing the same. Most people coming to the wedding want to buy a gift and preferred some indication of what to buy, when we got married. We'd been together five years and had bought a house three years previously, but most of our stuff was like, Lion King mugs cutlery from Woolworths that we'd had as students. Gifts on the list started at £10 so it was hardly unaffordable, or people could just get the vouchers instead. Hardly anyone leaves the parental home to get married straight away so you always have a bit of stuff. And money is dead easy, afaic as a wedding guest, brilliant.

I suggest if people are baulking at the idea of buying someone a gift/giving money I would suggest one of the following is true:

• You find the gift list/request is ridiculous and too expensive/cheeky. In which case don't buy anything, turn down the invitation, or go along, buy something token.

• You can't afford it - in which case don't buy anything, turn down the invitation, or go along, buy what you can afford.

• YABU and are being a massive curmudgeon/buzzkill and the couple probably don't care whether you go along and show your grumpy face anyway, in which case don't buy anything, turn down the invitation, or go along, buy what you wanted to all along and have a jolly good time having a good moan to anyone who will listen all day.

Floofsquidge simple - either name a couple of charities in lieu of gifts or just don't mention gifts at all

Don't worry about getting "endless phone calls to ask what you want"; you won't, and any boxes or cash you do receive can be donated

Whoever said that people should demand gifts?
That's what they do. Be it through a supposedly lovely poem or no boxes type of wording, it is very much a demand!

No boxed gifts, so maybe just some boxed boxes ...?

Or a puppy?

Take the gift out of the box and wrap. No boxed gifts as requested. Or dont go and send a card.

@Ozanj I still have my late grandmother’s little notebook of who owes what ... for 6 decades ... stowed away somewhere 😂

"I've made my excuse to some of these and will continue to do so."

To many sighs of relief

This is prob one of the most annoying things. I hate weddings, I hate all the shite that goes with weddings, I hate all the Bridezilla moments.
All those "presence not presents" shite just screams "give me money" Just don't put anything about gifts on the invite if you don't want gifts and it is so bloody cheeky and entitled.In my opinion, if you invite a guest to your wedding, you are inviting themn becasue you want them there. It should not matter if they bring a gift or not. That is why,we put nothing about gifts on our invites. And we did get some seriously hilarious wtf gifts. We also got money too but that is not why we got married. If you are genuinely getting married just to get presents or cash, the marraige is doomed. In this day and age we can afford and pay for our own weddings. Years ago people bought gifts becasue the couple were prob starting out in life and had nothing

@Trinacham

It is normal to ask for monetary gifts rather than physical gifts but it does sound like it could have been stated in a better way. We did a poem on our invites saying that we didn't expect or desire any gifts but if people wanted to they could contribute to our Honeymoon fund

Ha ha don’t mention the poem!! They bring out a level of vitriol on Mumsnet 😂😂

We always do £50 fanned out in a simple photo frames for weddings. Always goes down well.

i hate weddings, I hate all the shite that goes with weddings, I hate all the Bridezilla moments.

Decline the invite then. I doubt the B&G would mind.

Send them a toaster wrapped in newspaper!