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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bridal couple requesting no "boxed gifts"... Is this normal or cheeky?

743 replies

weekendbreak101 · 22/06/2021 08:23

I'm invited to the wedding of a friend. Not a particularly close friend but we've known each other a long time.
On the invitation, the couple have requested "no boxed gifts"..
Can't help feeling this is a bit cheeky... I presume they mean no kettles, toasters, crockery sets and that kind of stuff but to rule out anything that comes in a box??
Feeling a bit annoyed, as I feel it's an indirect way of saying "we prefer money or vouchers". Surely it should be up to the guest what they want to give (or can afford to give) as a gift?
What are other peoples' thoughts on this?

OP posts:
vivainsomnia · 22/06/2021 09:39

There is more to gifting than choosing toasters or cash. Have people really lost all sense of imagination. Or is it just too much bother to think?

40yearoldmerging · 22/06/2021 09:40

@vivainsomnia

So if they end up with lots of stuff they neither want nor need, and that all gets sent to a charity shop or gathers dust in the attic forever, that’s a good outcome in your eyes? Why get a gift in the first place if told not to! In any case, brand new useful gifts ending up in a charity shop is definitely not a waste.
I do have to agree here. I have bought myself a new kettle which was probably a wedding gift from a charity shop for £6 rather than £20-£40 when I was really out of money and had been boiling water in a pan for a few months for a cuppa! So its a waste to the couple but charity shop gave me deal!
vivainsomnia · 22/06/2021 09:40

Does that make me a CF? Why, exactly?
Not at all. You are making demands at all!

BlueyIsMyBae · 22/06/2021 09:42

This is so overdone on MN. Lots of people will say they're cheeky fuckers. Personally I think it's fine, I would much prefer people expressed a preference and I don't waste money and resources on a kettle they'll never use. But in this country, apparently we have to play the awkward wedding present dance where everyone knows they should take a present to a wedding, but no one can acknowledge that, so if people want to know what they should get the happy couple they should have to guess or awkwardly be made to ask them. Urgh.

MaBroon21 · 22/06/2021 09:42

I just put "no gift necessary"

Yes. That’s what we’d do as a family and if people did give a gift we’d accept it with the spirit it was intended.

My sons both married into a culture where cash is given at the wedding but it’s never mentioned leading up to the wedding because everyone is aware of the tradition.

Also, our family come from a culture where 400 or so guests are the norm but unlike other cultures there’s absolutely no expectation of any gifts at all and none are given.

UserAtRandom · 22/06/2021 09:42

@vivainsomnia

There is more to gifting than choosing toasters or cash. Have people really lost all sense of imagination. Or is it just too much bother to think?
It's not too much bother, but most people (even the ones who spend hours picking out a special gift that the recipient will love) are not that good at gifts. Hence the zillion threads about it on MN. At something like a wedding you tend to get a lot of gifts, so why not specify something you will actually like/use rather than get gifts people think you should like?
khakiandcoral · 22/06/2021 09:44

@vivainsomnia

There is more to gifting than choosing toasters or cash. Have people really lost all sense of imagination. Or is it just too much bother to think?
but everybody believe they have impeccable taste, and sadly it's rarely shared by others!

There was a thread asking for present ideas, and what some people thought was absolutely delightful and such a thoughtful present was pure tat for others.

Just give something that's on the list or vouchers, how hard can it be.

scaredsadandstuck · 22/06/2021 09:46

Haven't RTFT but if you don't like the idea of money why not give them a voucher for an experience - restaurant, cinema etc - doesn't have to be expensive and you could send a message about them enjoying a date night together as Mr & Mrs.

I really couldn't give a toss about people asking for money or vouchers/contributions to a honeymoon as a wedding gift. What do I care if I buy a couple of towels off a gift list or give cash/donate to honeymoon fund. If I'm going to a wedding it's because I really like the people getting married and therefore want to give them a gift they will enjoy. It's a weird attitude to think that what you want is more important than what they want.

Ilovedthe70s · 22/06/2021 09:46

I have never heard of no boxed gifts so I’d assume that they wanted gifts taken out of the box before wrapping so they didn’t have to bother with the recycling.
Much prefer to give money anyway, my taste and other peoples tend to be polar opposites!

TheKeatingFive · 22/06/2021 09:48

It's not ALL about me, but the gifting does come from me so yes I want some control over it, especially when I'm already spending much money to be there.

I just cannot fathom why you wouldn’t give people you call your friends what they actually want.

It comes across as very self absorbed on your part.

AuntMargo · 22/06/2021 09:49

Its bloody rude, get what your given, and I would give them sweet FA now

HideousKinky · 22/06/2021 09:49

My DH is Chinese and at a Chinese wedding it is traditional to give an ang pow (red packet) containing money. They are also given at other occasions such as Chinese New Year. As some of our guests were also British & Australian we received a mixture of ang pows and gifts, but I don't think I would have felt comfortable putting "No boxed gifts" on the invitation. However we were married over 30 years ago and it may have become a standard thing to do.

I think there is less awkwardness around cash gifts in cultures where there is no embarrassment about the discussion of money more generally - when we lived in Singapore I lost count of the number of times a complete stranger eg a taxi driver would ask me how much I earned, or when dropping me off at home, "How much do you pay to live here?"

TheKeatingFive · 22/06/2021 09:50

There is more to gifting than choosing toasters or cash. Have people really lost all sense of imagination. Or is it just too much bother to think

I know people like this and they honestly aren’t the gift giving geniuses they think they are.

DavidTheDog · 22/06/2021 09:51

One of the best ideas I ever heard of was from a couple getting married in later life. They had everything they needed in terms of a household and they were well off. So, they asked guests to gift them a bottle with a gift tag of who the bottle was from, why they'd chosen it etc. I thought this was a lovely idea. It's within everyone's price bracket and the gift tag meant there was a little message about what the choice meant to the guest and the gifts could be enjoyed forever. There was posh wine, bottles of champagne, homemade cordial, homebrew etc.

vivainsomnia · 22/06/2021 09:51

But in this country, apparently we have to play the awkward wedding present dance where everyone knows they should take a present to a wedding
It doesn't have to be so. I really really really didn't want any presents, nor did my OH. Some people travelled from far to the wedding, people we invited but didn't expect to come due to personal issues made the effort to come, everyone was welcoming to those who didn't know anyone.

I was so grateful for all this. It was the nicest presents we could have got. Money is just that, money. I would value 100 times more a well thought present, even if not fully to my taste than a £50 bill.

It's no surprise so many people are disatisfied and depressed with life when they out do much value on material things rather than just being grateful for company.

AgathaAllAlong · 22/06/2021 09:52

I think it's about how your guests feel. If they are made to feel stressed or unwelcome because you've requested a particular type of gift, no good. I would personally just either say nothing or say no gifts.

Chikapu · 22/06/2021 09:53

I think it's fine, I wouldn't want a bunch of toasters or kettles either. That would just be a waste of money in my mind.

Pedalpushers · 22/06/2021 09:54

Money for weddings (and a note about it on invitations) isn't just acceptable, it is now the absolute norm. But this is mumsnet where noone goes to a wedding unless they are allowed a plus five and don't have to travel further than the end of the road.

I can't wrap my head around wanting to spend so much time researching a gift and lugging it over rather than sticking money in a card that the couple would prefer, but then old fashioned etiquette often doesn't make a whole lot of sense, thankfully younger generations aren't so prim about all this nonsense.

vivainsomnia · 22/06/2021 09:55

This thread, confirming how entitled many people are has only reinforced my position that if I'm invited to another wedding demanding money, in whichever firm, I'll either won't go or will it give £10.

I expect despite giving them what they asked, they'll still moan that considering our income, we are greedy F for not giving more but it's not really just about the gesture is it!

LateAtTate · 22/06/2021 09:55

It really depends on the size of the wedding!
As pp mentioned certain culture have huge weddings and you don’t want to spend your honeymoon holiday sorting through hundreds of gifts. Also you’re likely to invite 100’s of people who are relatives of relatives and don’t know you personally so the gifts mean nothing really. A wedding is a community event and not really for the B&G to celebrate with their loved ones.
However if you’re having a smaller wedding as seems normal for British people then I don’t think it’s hard to have a registry or have 30-50 gifts to sort...

prsphne · 22/06/2021 09:55

I don’t understand why people think this is cheeky. They’re not asking you to spend more. Why would you want to spend your money on something they don’t want… that’s just wasteful!

Put what you would have spent as cash in the card, and if you think it’s embarrassingly low then don’t put anything in.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 22/06/2021 09:56

@vivainsomnia

And if it's something they don't need your oh-so thoughtful consideration and your money was wasted That's the point of research, you do it properly!
But you don't. If you did research you would find out they want a card and few notes in it😂

I seriously think some peoppe do this just so they can afterwards claim how much time they spend on "research" and thinking and how that's something women just must do and martyr themselves to hell.
Card shop, cash point. Simples

LateAtTate · 22/06/2021 09:56

@vivainsomnia so you’d apply the same standard even if it’s a wedding where money is the norm in their culture?

khakiandcoral · 22/06/2021 09:56

If you buy unwanted tat delightfully tasteful and carefully chosen gift that wasn't wanted, at worst the couple will bin it, at best they will politely get it out of the cellar the one time you will visit them.

Is that really necessary?

AuntieStella · 22/06/2021 09:57

It's always cheeky to state what you want before you're asked.

And in these circumstances I'd be very tempted to send them something that doesn't normally come in a box like towels. If I was feeling particularly evil, it'ud be glasses in bubble wrap