Bridal couple requesting no "boxed gifts"... Is this normal or cheeky?

[weekendbreak101]

I'm invited to the wedding of a friend. Not a particularly close friend but we've known each other a long time.
On the invitation, the couple have requested "no boxed gifts"..
Can't help feeling this is a bit cheeky... I presume they mean no kettles, toasters, crockery sets and that kind of stuff but to rule out anything that comes in a box??
Feeling a bit annoyed, as I feel it's an indirect way of saying "we prefer money or vouchers". Surely it should be up to the guest what they want to give (or can afford to give) as a gift?
What are other peoples' thoughts on this?

I'd buy a small gift box from the card shop and put cash in it.

Give them cash in a box

What difference does it make to you if you put twenty pounds in a card (that they'd use towards something) as opposed to a spare toaster/kettle?!
I would never ever buy a toaster or kettle, why is this always brought up. Who buy those things nowadays?

I however want the option to have some control over my gifting. I want the option to do a but of research of thoughtful consideration to get something that I believe will be gratefully received, or nothing if I'm already going out if my way and financially contributing to attend in the first place.

I have turned down going to a wedding where demand for cash was made. Not my philosophy. Thankfully, it's only happened once or twice.

I just put "no gift necessary"
I have a small house and don't have space to store extra things.
Some people still bought though, we got some lovely champagne given and some beautiful flutes we use at Christmas and anniversary, and some picture frames I'd been looking at but was too stingy to buy, but I didn't want anyone feeling obliged to buy anything. We wanted our guests to be able to afford to be there. Weddings are expensive for a guest too.
I love the cards, they're a momento that's easy to store and we get them out to look at each anniversary.
Wouldn't dream of asking for a specific gift/money. Much rather people spent time with me than money on me.

I thought the whole point of having a John Lewis wedding gift list is you could exchange the whole thing for the cash value of what your guests had bought.

The wedding tradition of buying the young couple gifts was a pay it forward, you got things to set up your home when you got married and now you were helping a young couple to set up their home.

People live together before marriage now and usually have all the starting a new home stuff. Dh and I had a very small wedding over 20 years ago, invited immediate family so parents and siblings and a handful of close friends. We asked for vouchers to enable us to buy some stuff, everyone bar PIL did this. PIL bought us a vase and photo frame that were not to our taste at all on any level. We returned them to the shop and traded it for a beautiful chenille throw that we still have to this day.

I do not see the issue with money or vouchers being given to someone getting married. So weird to want to buy them a passive aggressive kettle or a basket of fruit which would have been pointless for us as we were off on our honeymoon anyway. If you don't like them, don't go to the wedding.

Its only on MN where people think its cheeky to give the bride and groom
What they have asked for.

It's because, as I gather, everyone is actually absolutely amazing in picking gifts up and so it's insulting to suggest that someone doesn't want their amazing gift. I always laugh at "the thought which has gone into to make sure it's great gift for them". Obviously no thought went into because if some thought did, they would gift what the person requested.

I however want the option to have some control over my gifting.

You’re making it all about all you. It should be about your friends.

Just get them a toaster from BHF

I think its grabby and poor form. If they have all the usual stuff then I'd pick a charity to donate to.

This is totally normal with every desi wedding I've been to, we had it on ours too it's tradition for the bride's father to gift all the things that would normally be given as a boxed gift including furniture while the groom's side funds everything else including the wedding.

It depends - if they have said gifts are optional then it's fine, but if they have just left it at "no boxed gifts" then I do think it's a bit cheeky.

I actually think it's fine to say you'd rather have money than gifts, but only if people understand that they don't have to give anything if they don't want to/can't afford to.

@Womendohavevaginasnick, exactly the spirit.

I find weddings say so much about people. We were invited to a wedding from a colleague of my OH. She always moaned about how she struggled with money, always putting the strict minimum in birthday/retirement/baby present funds for colleague.

Yet she went for the mist extravagant wedding, in the mist expensive hotel in town, picture magazine type wedding where everything would have cost an absolute fortune. No surprises, asked for cash in a pathetically worded poem. We gave £50. We didn't even get a thank you. Says it all really.

I want the option to do a but of research of thoughtful consideration to get something that I believe will be gratefully received

And if it's something they don't need your oh-so thoughtful consideration and your money was wasted. I find it astounding that people think they know better than the recipients what they would like or what they need. I far prefer to be thoughtful enough to give them would they actually want.

You’re making it all about all you. It should be about your friends
It's not ALL about me, but the gifting does come from me so yes I want some control over it, especially when I'm already spending much money to be there.

As said, most of my friends are considerate any self entitled so it's never been an issue with them.

I think many people don't like giving money as they feel obliged to give more than they usually would spend or afford. Some people may shop around for an item on a list that they can afford. Money is transparent and the couple can see what you have given.

I have seen this in work collections for baby's, birthdays and leaving etc. The amount collected has shot up during lockdown because the donations are on line and visible rather than slipping something anonymous into a paper envelope.

And if it's something they don't need your oh-so thoughtful consideration and your money was wasted
That's the point of research, you do it properly!

"Come to our bash - and give us some cash!"

I suppose you could always have a Bank of England wedding list, so when people think "Hmm, we want to spend about £40 - is there something on the list to that value?", they can look and see "Ah, yes - '£20 Note - qty requested: unlimited' - we'll get them two of those"

I can't speak personally for South Asian cultures, but in traditional British culture, I think the idea that the couple asking for money that they probably need and can always use rather than one of 17 toasters (when they already had one anyway) is rude is probably one of those things like 'no elbows on the table' - it's 'rude' because 'it's rude', but when you stop to ask why it's rude.... nothing.

Even with gift lists, it still restricts you to one shop and having to base your choice of requested gifts on what John Lewis sells rather than your own best choice. As PP said, it also avoids the issue of necessitating a certain-value compartmentalised gift from each guest/couple/family when what you really want/need is far more than any individual guest would/could give.

I think, as long as it's done tactfully (which 'no boxed gifts, please' seems to do well), I really can't see why not.

This reminds me of a Weddings thread from some time ago, which featured some absolute gems, such as the couple who asked for cash and then emailed people afterwards if they didn't believe their gift was commensurate with their perceived means and inviting them to 'do the right thing' by topping it up (I don't know if they similarly contacted the over-generous poor guests to insist they take some back); and the couple who had a feature wishing well for money gifts, but instead of emptying it at the end of the evening and being grateful for all they received, the bride stood there throughout and immediately emptied out any gifts that were put in the well, whilst the giver was still there, to check if the person had given 'enough'

Bloody hell, if you dislike people so much, WHY would you even attend their wedding?

We get it, some people are miffed that their "excellent taste" might not be appreciated by the bride and groom. Get off your high horse, decline the invitation (even if for many people you do send a gift even if you don't attend), OR buy from the list saving you time and effort.

Well, better to waste your own money than have some grabby couple waste it for you...

Are they Asian OP? It’s just the standard phrase in South Asian culture.

The whole point of a “gift” has lost its meaning. We are now at the point where gifts are dictated and I’m an old fart and find this entitled and rude.
It’s a gift, if you don’t like it then suck it up IMO.

It’s eminently sensible. Most people when they marry already live together and have all of the toasters they want. A wedding list made sense when people only moved in together after marriage and were usually much younger than those marrying today.

We always give cash gifts at weddings, then any items needed can be bought by the couple.

but when you stop to ask why it's rude.... nothing
Nothing? There's been plenty of explanation here. It's don't bad manners to DEMAND gifts.

It's like kids demanding X, Y and Z for Xmas from more distant relatives. Just rude, end of.

Buy them a box. You can get some lovely leather ones in John Lewis. Seriously, just give them the cash.

We didn't know this phrase. So I wrote something like "we live in a very small flat with no spare storage space and already have all the household things. Please don't give us any stuff."

Does that make me a CF? Why, exactly?

(We suggested others ways people could non-financially contribute to the day, and also some charities. We didn't police how many did either. Fortunately, we got very few physical gifts, all of which were small.)