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Original poster

Bridal couple requesting no "boxed gifts"... Is this normal or cheeky?

743 replies

weekendbreak101 · 22/06/2021 08:23

I'm invited to the wedding of a friend. Not a particularly close friend but we've known each other a long time.
On the invitation, the couple have requested "no boxed gifts"..
Can't help feeling this is a bit cheeky... I presume they mean no kettles, toasters, crockery sets and that kind of stuff but to rule out anything that comes in a box??
Feeling a bit annoyed, as I feel it's an indirect way of saying "we prefer money or vouchers". Surely it should be up to the guest what they want to give (or can afford to give) as a gift?
What are other peoples' thoughts on this?

OP posts:
Sd352 · 22/06/2021 15:17

Thankfully gift lists seem to be getting more common in the UK too — you can buy a present the couple actually wants! Who wants to actually schlep presents from the venue to their house, even if they are going directly home?

omgthepain · 22/06/2021 15:17

My brother got one of those invites just before COVID - it literally said nothing boxed

Him and his wife sponsored a donkey from a sanctuary who sends pictures and updates to them every 3 months and one their first wedding anniversary (a year on) they got a cuddly donkey which was brilliant timing as they woman was then pregnant 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Must admit that was comedy genius of my sis in law

NigellaSeed · 22/06/2021 15:21

I've never heard the term no boxes gifts, but I don't think it's cheeky to ask for money. It sounds reasonable

Isababybel · 22/06/2021 15:26

Most people i know (myself included) have already set up their home with their partner prior to getting married and therefore don't need kettles and toasters etc. Money towards the honeymoon is practical and generally well received!
I received a cake stand as a wedding gift which got used 0 times, took up far too much room in the kitchen cupboard and promply went to a charity shop!! I would rather have received no gift from them at all genuinely (yes yes how horrible and ungrateful).

SchrodingersImmigrant · 22/06/2021 15:35

@ObviousNameChage

I agree with that. No one should go into it, from any side, as "covering the plate" or whatnot. Not ok.

My fault here as I started that one. It's not something asked by the couple ,demanded or expected. It's just guest "etiquette" and a general guideline. In fact, gifts are never mentioned by the B&G on the invite or anywhere else,much less lists given or whatnot . Doesn't mean that you're not let in or relationships will sour if you deviate from it.

I know. I don't like that "etiquette". It does make it bit... Like I could go to restaurant instead. But I am all for giving money as a gift😁
oneglassandpuzzled · 22/06/2021 16:14

@Sd352

Thankfully gift lists seem to be getting more common in the UK too — you can buy a present the couple actually wants! Who wants to actually schlep presents from the venue to their house, even if they are going directly home?
Gift lists were very much around when I was married 26 years ago.
Crankley · 22/06/2021 16:32

khakiandcoral
Crankley
I think it's tacky but would do as they asked and remove the box from my gift before wrapping it.

I know you are trying to be spiritual and witty, but you do realise you would look like a complete tit if you were doing this in real life?

It has nothing to do with trying to be spiritual (WTF?) and witty. The last wedding I went to, both B&G are heavily into a hobby and my gift was associated with that hobby. They said no gifts and a lot of people gave them cash. They have commented on several occasions since how much they love the gift. I would never have bought a kettle or toaster or photograph frame and would always give cash if I couldn't think of an actual gift that the B&G would love.

ancientgran · 22/06/2021 16:40

Gift lists were the norm when I got married 50 years ago. Not so high tech as now, you got a note book, wrote an item on each page and the book got passed round and people ripped the page out for the thing they were buying.

We were very organised in 1971.

Vivi0 · 22/06/2021 16:46

@ancientgran

Gift lists were the norm when I got married 50 years ago. Not so high tech as now, you got a note book, wrote an item on each page and the book got passed round and people ripped the page out for the thing they were buying.

We were very organised in 1971.

I love this!
SwimBaby · 22/06/2021 16:47

I had a list at Argos 25 years ago, I remember my DM being really snobby about it saying too can’t ask for £5 or £10 things from
Argos and I said I can do what I like. I had a lot of student friends who really wanted to buy me a gift so I thought if they wanted to club together and buy a cheaper item that would work for them. That’s exactly what they did and I ended up with everything on my list. I’ll never forget getting back from my honeymoon to a huge pile of beautifully wrapped presents and then loving all the bottle green (it was all the rage then) kitchen gadgets.

ancientgran · 22/06/2021 16:47

@mustlovegin

The couple are spending more on you than you are spending on them

Well, it's the couple who want the guests to be there,..

With family you don't always want them but if you invite Autnie Vi who you love to bits it will cause WW3 if you don't invite Auntie Di who is a pain in the behind. You then end up with you mum saying can't you do it to avoid the trouble and granny saying she won't come if you are deliberately upsetting Auntie Di.

If only you could rely on Auntie Di not wanting to spend the money on the journey/hotel/outfit/present and politely declining.

melj1213 · 22/06/2021 16:57

@Gwenhwyfar

"The last wedding I went to had something along the lines of "We already have everything we need with you being here, so please don't worry about gifts! If you feel the need to, we'll have a honeymoon fund moneybox with the cards""

If you feel the need to! I would prefer an honest 'please give us money' than that!

The problem is that if you say "no gifts" then, as many posters on this thread already have demonstrated, someone will feel the need to be the exception because they can't not buy a gift even when explicitly asked not to.

Therefore the hosts have to go through this polite rigmarole of saying "We don't want gifts, but if you must (bc we all know Auntie Doris can't turn up empty handed) then please gift us money or vouchers which we can use towards a purchase we really want rather than another hideous ornament to add to the charity shop pile " and are then accused of being grabby! They can't win, either they get stuff they do not want or are accused of being grabby when suggesting cash/vouchers for those who must gift something.

Not quite the same but when I moved back to the UK with DD it was in the summer just after her birthday so I hosted a huge birthday party that was also to be her leaving party so she could say goodbye to all her friends (normally she'd have a few friends for dinner and an activity, this was hiring a hall and inviting all her school, activity, neighbourhood and family friends etc). Because we were moving, I didn't want to have to pay over the odds to pack/ship presents as well as all the rest of our house so after discussing it with DD we told everyone that DD wanted them all to bring a photo or write down something special they wanted DD to remember instead of presents and we would put them all in a big memory book. Despite this loads of people still turned up with presents and some put cash in cards because they "couldn't turn up with nothing". 90% of those toys and games she was gifted ended up going to a local refuge because we physically couldn't pack them (and I wasn't paying €100 to ship an extra box with €50 of toys).

MrsBobDylan · 22/06/2021 16:58

Almost everything about weddings seems to centre on display and acquisition. Very little to do with love. It is a shocking waste of money, both for the bride and groom and the guests (travel, hotel, outfit, cash gift).

I married the most wonderful man but Christ, I wouldn't bother with all the showy bollocks again.

I would be loathe to go to another wedding ever again, unless it is very close family.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 22/06/2021 17:07

It's the biggest party one might have in life 😁 Totally worth it. (Mine was cheap tho)

Waste of money for one person are well spend money for another🤷🏻

multivac · 22/06/2021 17:08

@DontLookEthel

It's not giving money for a wedding present that annoys me, it's the twee way people ask for it. As if it's supposed to disguise the fact that they want cash not gifts.

I had a wedding invite which directed me to a website with a huge list of activities and items I could choose from to buy (as in give the money to them) for their honeymoon.
I donated money for an "experience" but I thought less of them after this.

Why not just say they want money instead of the "no boxed gifts/honeymoon crap"?

How thoroughly nasty (not to mention hypocritical) of you.

And if you RTFT, you'll see that 'saying they want money' (not that they 'expect' it, or 'insist on' it - just, y'know, if you WANT to give us something, this would be by far the most welcome option for us, thank you) is also sneered at/reacted to with outrage by guests.

In fact, it seems there's nothing the couple can do regarding trying to guide people regarding THE GIFTS THAT THEY 100% EXPECT AND WANT TO TAKE TO A WEDDING that won't make a significant proportion of their so-called friends 'think less of them'; at least, the ones represented on Mumsnet.

What an unpleasant lot!

Minezatea · 22/06/2021 17:14

It saddens me that so many people seem to want to give wedding gifts that are not useful, often not liked and often quickly end up in landfill. We did not want gifts but were also very happy for people to give us nothing - that's not why we were getting married. We got a couple of gifts. They were no useful and they want to the charity shop. Obviously we said thank you but giving someone something they don't need or want and then considering yourself generous to do so just seems odd. As is having a specific way that you expect to be asked not to bring things people don't want or don't need. This is definitely NOT what the planet needs.

LostInTime · 22/06/2021 17:14

@MrsBobDylan

Almost everything about weddings seems to centre on display and acquisition. Very little to do with love. It is a shocking waste of money, both for the bride and groom and the guests (travel, hotel, outfit, cash gift).

I married the most wonderful man but Christ, I wouldn't bother with all the showy bollocks again.

I would be loathe to go to another wedding ever again, unless it is very close family.

Pretty much agree with all that @MrsBobDylan Which is why DH and I 'eloped' to a register office and told people afterwards; we wanted to be married, not have a wedding.
mustlovegin · 22/06/2021 17:16

In fact, it seems there's nothing the couple can do regarding trying to guide people regarding gifts

How about...try to be classy and don't say anything? Let people do what they want/don't be grabby/don't focus on gifts?

An0n0n0n · 22/06/2021 17:19

I dont get the big deal, if youre goung to give a £50 gift just give £50 cash, its literally costs you nothing.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 22/06/2021 17:23

@An0n0n0n

I dont get the big deal, if youre goung to give a £50 gift just give £50 cash, its literally costs you nothing.
It costs them the "Weddings are so hard, like I spent hours thinking of the gift, then finding it, wrapping it, dragging it there" Do you know how much "life admin" would people lose if they listen to people they are doing lots of "thoughtful" stuff for? Can't have that😂
MerryGoRoundBrain · 22/06/2021 17:23

MN is just about the only place in the world where people get absolutely shocked that someone wants cash at their wedding. I cannot remember when I last bought a wedding gift. Times have changed, people don’t go into their new marital home straight from their parents’ home. Nobody needs a toaster, kettle or towels. And why would you not want to give people something that they actually want? If it means a contribution to their honeymoon, why not.
Even my 8 year old prefers cash to birthday gifts these days, he’s always saving up for something and doesn’t want tonnes of plastic tat. Same applies to adults!

multivac · 22/06/2021 17:24

@mustlovegin

In fact, it seems there's nothing the couple can do regarding trying to guide people regarding gifts

How about...try to be classy and don't say anything? Let people do what they want/don't be grabby/don't focus on gifts?

It's not being 'grabby' or 'focusing on gifts' to be aware that 98% of wedding guests want/expect to bring a gift for the couple - and to try and avoid anyone wasting their money.

Taking offence at it is just weird - and judging the couple because of it (unless they are insisting on a minimum donation for attendance, or something else equally entitled you read via a clickbait link), is nasty.

bongbigboobingbongbing · 22/06/2021 17:25

How rude! I would be going out of my way to give them a boxed gift. Perhaps a series of decorative gift boxes, one inside the other, so they have to open them all to discover a tin opener in the smallest box.

multivac · 22/06/2021 17:28

@bongbigboobingbongbing

How rude! I would be going out of my way to give them a boxed gift. Perhaps a series of decorative gift boxes, one inside the other, so they have to open them all to discover a tin opener in the smallest box.
... and would that make you feel clever? Would it add to your enjoyment of the wedding to which you've been invited because, presumably, these people know you and care about you? Would it be kind? In the spirit of the occasion?

Or, y'know, would it just be you being a dick?

multivac · 22/06/2021 17:30

See also: 'Donate to charity, and see how that makes 'em feel - hahaha!'

Donating to charity solely to 'punish' someone for not living up to your personal etiquette rules is supremely tasteless and entitled behaviour.