Bridal couple requesting no "boxed gifts"... Is this normal or cheeky?

[weekendbreak101]

I'm invited to the wedding of a friend. Not a particularly close friend but we've known each other a long time.
On the invitation, the couple have requested "no boxed gifts"..
Can't help feeling this is a bit cheeky... I presume they mean no kettles, toasters, crockery sets and that kind of stuff but to rule out anything that comes in a box??
Feeling a bit annoyed, as I feel it's an indirect way of saying "we prefer money or vouchers". Surely it should be up to the guest what they want to give (or can afford to give) as a gift?
What are other peoples' thoughts on this?

I don't understand the mentality of it's costing the bride and groom X per head so the gift won't compensate for that. You are inviting your loved ones to share in your special day, it's not a financial transaction that you're trying to make cost neutral after offsetting gifts.

On a pure financial basis, there's other costs for guests, whether transport, accommodation, babysitting, clothing, time off work whatever. Gifts are a nice to have, not the be all and end all. While I'm personally happy to give money or buy from a gift list, I would hate my guests to feel awkward by saying no gifts except money.

Trinacham

No problems from with cash presents, just this 'transaction' basis.

Your guests are your guests. You don't expect them to effectively pay for their own meal.

It's not polite to ask for cash but I think it's the people who give gifts to the wedding couple that are the CFs.

Is the fear of money in an envelope one of the British values they wanted to protect by Brexit?😂

I don't see a problem with giving cash. I went to a wedding in south east Asia a few years ago and as is their culture, there was a desk set up at the entrance of the venue where someone would take your envelope of cash and record the amount in a book. You were then given your ticket(s) to get in to the reception after the ceremony. In the weeks after the wedding, the brides parents write to each guest and thank them for their contribution of however much it was.
Most newlyweds don't need lots of things for their homes, they need cash!

I've never heard the expression "no boxed gifts" but I have no problem with people asking for money, I'd much rather contribute to something they wanted (including the honeymoon fund) than buy something they didn't want or need.

When we got married we had already lived together for a few years in a tiny flat. We didn't need anything and didn't have anywhere to store stuff. My mum refused to let me say "no gifts needed, just bring yourselves! and we ended up with a multitude of photo frames from my side of the family in Ireland - I think we got about 20, some of which were huge china type things. Not only did we have nowhere to put them, we had no way to get them back to England where we were living, and neither of us actually likes having photos out on display. They ended up living in my mum's loft up until recently when she finally relented and let me take a load of them to the charity shop when she downsized.

I felt very ungrateful but I'd have preferred people to have saved their money and spent it on themselves.

So yes, if I get an invitation that asks for money I am more than happy to oblige.

@oneglassandpuzzled

The couple are spending more on you than you are spending on them

Yes, that's what hospitality is. You spend on your guests.

I agree with that. No one should go into it, from any side, as "covering the plate" or whatnot. Not ok.

@oneglassandpuzzled

Trinacham

No problems from with cash presents, just this 'transaction' basis.

Your guests are your guests. You don't expect them to effectively pay for their own meal.

Of course you don't.

But if they're going to give something, it might as well be something that's wanted.

@oneglassandpuzzled

Trinacham

No problems from with cash presents, just this 'transaction' basis.

Your guests are your guests. You don't expect them to effectively pay for their own meal.

If people put something on the invite like, "Your meal is costing £50, the wine is £10 a head, the cake works out at £5 a slice so you need to send us £65" I'd agree with you but I've never heard of anyone telling guests how much they owe.

I agree with that. No one should go into it, from any side, as "covering the plate" or whatnot. Not ok.

My fault here as I started that one. It's not something asked by the couple ,demanded or expected. It's just guest "etiquette" and a general guideline. In fact, gifts are never mentioned by the B&G on the invite or anywhere else,much less lists given or whatnot . Doesn't mean that you're not let in or relationships will sour if you deviate from it.

@headinhands2021 This is what we did at our wedding (different culture but with many English guests so we tried to make it as culturally sensitive as we could). Perhaps you find it useful.

We called it card giving and set a time for it in the course of the evening. The guests lined up with cards and we greeted them each individually, thanked them for coming and gave them wedding favours in return. It was a great opportunity to make sure we speak to every guest at a wedding with 150+. Most people put cash in the card or gift vouchers, some people didn't put anything but a heartfelt message which was still lovely of course. We of course didn't open it there and then, had no idea what was in each envelope until later. DH's friend forgot his card at home and it was really no big deal. A few people did give us personalised handmade items but they were close friends, they knew what we wanted and we had arranged things with them before the day.

@BringMeTea

Not wanting gifts is fine. Asking for money, not so much. State no gifts please. You might get some cash anyway. Asking in whatever twee way you like, is very bad manners and tacky af.

YES 🙌🏻

It does seem cheeky to specify but reality is nowadays people are already set up with their home prior to being married.
I always gift money so they can spend it how they please. Most people I know do too. Everyone has a post box at their wedding for the cards, a lot easier all round.

“Boxed gifts” is such a cringe phrase!

I do think it’s a bit naff to say it - I’d maybe say “we’re asking for your presence not presents / don’t expect a gift, but if you would like to buy us something we’d really appreciate money or vouchers for x shop/ site”

I’m always relieved not to have to chose a present!

Realistically that wouldn't happen. Never happened at our wedding, think we got two.

I got three wine decanters. I never use any of them.

@TheKeatingFive

Some people wouldn't feel comfortable just putting £15 in a card though but a nice photo frame or bottle of wine gives them another option.

That is their issue though.

Why is a ‘nice photo frame’ a better option if it’s put away in a drawer and never looked at again? People don’t necessarily want or need countless photo frames.

Booze is the only other thing I’d gift at a wedding other than money.

I'm teetotal, DH only drinks for medicinal reasons e.g. a whisky and hot lemon if he's got a cold. If anyone who knows me brought booze I'd feel hurt as it would be anything but thoughtful.

Not to their face, no. But I've seen plenty of threads talking about how much to give as a present and using the cost of the hospitality as the basis.

As I say, no problem from me giving cash but I wouldn't use the meal cost as the basis. Probably the closeness of the relationship (more for a godchild or relative, less for a work colleague), how much I could afford and how much actually clothing myself and getting to the event have already cost.

But even that sounds very cold-blooded and transactional as a cash amount.

Sorry, bride and groom, it may be an 'artistic' object made by someone on my local Facebook group, after all. But I won't put it in a box.

If anyone who knows me brought booze I'd feel hurt as it would be anything but thoughtful.

Yes I meant to say only if I knew the couple drank and I’d give them what they like to drink.

@ancientgran oh, no I wouldn't agree with that either. Do people specific the amount then!? I wouldn't care if its a fiver, it's just polite to give a small amount that you feel comfortable to give to thank them for paying to cater for you!

Some of the comments on this thread are hilarious and utterly batshit!

Just give the couple money for fucks sake!

I always gift money as:

1. It is easier for me.
2. There is enough unwanted shite in the world. Why add to it?

Simple.

[quote Trinacham]@ancientgran oh, no I wouldn't agree with that either. Do people specific the amount then!? I wouldn't care if its a fiver, it's just polite to give a small amount that you feel comfortable to give to thank them for paying to cater for you![/quote]
Nope it never happens. Of course it doesn't. Actually it's more likely to happen with a register gift list type thing.

'The couple are spending more on you than you are spending on them'

No they're spending money on their wedding. Anyway by the time you've factored in childcare getting to the destination, possibly staying over, outfit hair and nails if you go in for such things and drinks as well as the gift going to a wedding can cost an absolute fortune so that's bollocks.

I'm thick, I genuinely thought it meant that they didn't want loads of packaging to deal with. So I would have bought a toaster and taken it out of the box, wrapped it and given it.

I don't think there is anything wrong with outright asking for money. People don't always listen though. At my first wedding ExH and I asked for money as we were going travelling after the wedding for at least a year, and then at the end of the travels, emigrating to another country. So we really did not want "stuff" that would just have to be stored, taking up space in our parents' garages, and later transported at great expense to another part of the world. We wanted money for our travels!

Many people did give us money but we also got plenty of precisely what we did not want: various pieces of household tat (we had been living together for two years by this stage so we had all the basics anyway), some large items of furniture, ornaments, glassware etc etc, most of which we sold. (Mostly given by our familes, which were both in total denial about the fact that we were leaving).

Just going to say it:

We would say something similar. The last wedding I went to had something along the lines of "We already have everything we need with you being here, so please don't worry about gifts! If you feel the need to, we'll have a honeymoon fund moneybox with the cards"

We have been living together years. We don't need anything. Anything you gave us would sit in the garage for a decade waiting for the original thing to break! There's so much waste already. The difference between a £30 wicker picnic baskets or £20 cash is that the £20 cash can go into savings for a house deposit, baby fund, or honeymoon. (I specifically mention the picnic basket because my aunt got FOUR for her wedding!)