Bridal couple requesting no "boxed gifts"... Is this normal or cheeky?

[weekendbreak101]

I'm invited to the wedding of a friend. Not a particularly close friend but we've known each other a long time.
On the invitation, the couple have requested "no boxed gifts"..
Can't help feeling this is a bit cheeky... I presume they mean no kettles, toasters, crockery sets and that kind of stuff but to rule out anything that comes in a box??
Feeling a bit annoyed, as I feel it's an indirect way of saying "we prefer money or vouchers". Surely it should be up to the guest what they want to give (or can afford to give) as a gift?
What are other peoples' thoughts on this?

Give them a kettle in a bag? Sorted!

Seriously, if they’re going to ask for money they should ask for donations to a charity.

I understand some people sound not want more “stuff” but I think asking for money is a bit prescriptive and therefore crass - mainly because some people might not have much money and may be embarrassed by the relatively small amount they are able to give. At least with a gift, the price is not blatantly obvious and people can perhaps find something on special offer, etc.

Just so we are clear, no one is owed a gift of any description by virtue of inviting someone to an event.

And no one is saying that, so we are all cool, yeah?

It is VERY rude to specify what you want.

Believe it or not, plenty of people excited to celebrate their friends / family wedding, keen to mark the occasion for them, actually appreciate direction on what they’d actually like.

This is all solved by people declining to go to weddings of people they don’t actually like.

But I'm interested in the Mumsnet verdict.....

In the name of self prreservation and sticking with actual real life rality...
You shouldn't 😂😂😂

I'm afraid that anyone specifying money if they invite me to their wedding gets a cookery book.

That they don’t want?

What a shameful waste, why would you do that? because people are ridiculous and think they are being clever.
Why would you do that to someone you supposedly liked enough to be invited to their wedding?
Same as all the other stupid ideas on here, like 'I'd buy them something quirky" or "get them fruit" ( why ffs?) Or best yet a charity donation.
Some people are just plain daft.

At least with a gift, the price is not blatantly obvious and people can perhaps find something on special offer, etc.

Do people still not understand that these kinds of gifts are usually an utter waste of everyone’s time and money?

YANBU OP.

I think it's crass (in a veiled kind of way) to demand cash for a wedding - because essentially that's what they're doing -especially on an invite 🙈. (May as well charge you on entry).

Poor taste.

Does anyone really buy toasters/kettles for a couple already living together anymore? I wouldn’t want to choose colour/style etc.

We’ve done an Amazon wish list for ours. MIL was badgering me to include a poem asking for money for a holiday but I felt really cheeky. Have only told those who have asked that we have a list (which actually includes a new toaster and kettle because we’re moving )

They really shouldn’t be. The B&G will get a lot more joy out of putting that towards something important to them than a ‘bargain’ that they don’t want or need.

I understand your point. But I can think of several people in my extended family who are in a very different financial position to the rest of us, and would be embarrassed to put £15-20 in an envelope when others are giving £50-£100 upwards.

Appreciate that they shouldn't feel embarrassed but, irrespective of the rationale, they would. May be partly generational too as the money/voucher thing is a more recent trend so they would prefer to get a physical gift. Either way, I'd hate for my guests to give money if it made them feel uncomfortable.

@vivainsomnia

What most against comments show is that it's all about them as a gift giver

What most for comments show that it's all about their sense of entitlement to make demands on others actions.

When it is part of the culture, that's fine. It's not a personal demand. When the culture is open to different customs, it is a demand.

I however agree that anyone not happy doesn't have to go. I've turned down a number of weddings for it. I've suddenly remember that one colleague wouldn't take no for an answer and pestered me for ages. When she finally accepted that I wouldn't change my plans to attend her far away wedding, she actually said that she was disappointed but would still gracefully accept my gift (when clearly asking to cash only)! I gave her £5 in a card.

Really really hate that attitude.

I don't think it's a sense of entitlement at all. They are just saying what they DO need. It's useless to give someone a gift that they would not want or need, it will end up donated, it's such a waste. It's no different from having a gift list where the bride and groom specify what they want. I agree with PPs who said that people who are annoyed about giving cash seems to be making all the gift giving about them. Gifts for weddings are for what the bride and groom would really need and want.

Given that this approach is environmentally friendly, requires no effort from the giver and prevents wasted money, I can't see what the problem is.

The only people who this could possibly inconvenience are those who buy things in the post-Christmas sales and put them away for 'gifting' throughout the year.

@headinhands2021if you have normal friends you should be ok. Unfortunately if you know some of the weirdos on here you might end up with a multitude of toasters

But I'm interested in the Mumsnet verdict
I think you should have a great wedding and hopefully no one will turn up with a cook book or a bowl of fruit!
If they do, they are probably an outraged Mumsnetter!

I have been to many birthday parties where everyone contributed to a joint present, it has never been an issue.

What is all this anger and drama surrounding weddings?

I actually doubt that anyone has bought a toaster for a wedding in the last few decades. Even when I got married, 26 years ago, lists were the usual way of doing it.

I have no problems with giving money. I just hate:

a) the transactional nature of working out or expecting your guests to work out the hypothetical price of the hospitality and 'equalling' that. I only ever see that on MN, though. Frankly if my 'plate' costs £75 I might prefer to spend it on a restaurant of my choice with no need to dress up or sit through speeches.
b) the rudeness of specifying 'no boxed gifts' unless you are sure the people receiving the invitation are culturally OK with that. My older family members would find that very rude.

I would far prefer someone said what they wanted (or didn't want).

Presumably they don't want a load of tat they don't want or need. Sounds sensible to me.

I actually doubt that anyone has bought a toaster for a wedding in the last few decades.

some friends had a lot worst! Think in the range of "tasteful" and "artistic" personalised decorative gifts for example 😂

They would have preferred a toaster.

@khakiandcoral

I have been to many birthday parties where everyone contributed to a joint present, it has never been an issue.

What is all this anger and drama surrounding weddings?

Particularly when each guest costs the bride and groom easily £70+ per head to feed! The couple are spending more on you than you are spending on them (perhaps different for evening guests, although they are still usually fed..

Pretty commonplace. If a slightly oblique way to express it, but the expression is also commonplace now.

Arguably better than a "wedding list" that you find nothing left on for the amount you're willing to give.

@ineedaholidaynow

And what happens if 100 guests thoughtfully buy you photo frames (because no-one else would have thought of that idea of a gift) How useful would they be? How many would end up in a charity shop?

Realistically that wouldn't happen. Never happened at our wedding, think we got two.

@khakiandcoral

I actually doubt that anyone has bought a toaster for a wedding in the last few decades.

some friends had a lot worst! Think in the range of "tasteful" and "artistic" personalised decorative gifts for example 😂

They would have preferred a toaster.

True. Something from Facebook local 'artists' perhaps?

The couple are spending more on you than you are spending on them

Yes, that's what hospitality is. You spend on your guests.

@oneglassandpuzzled

The couple are spending more on you than you are spending on them

Yes, that's what hospitality is. You spend on your guests.

And they spend on your gift in one form or another.

Why not do it in the form preferred by he B&G?

As I have said, I have no problem with cash gifts.

I do have a problem with making it into a transaction: they spent £50 on my meal and drinks so I have to spend the same.

@oneglassandpuzzled

The couple are spending more on you than you are spending on them

Yes, that's what hospitality is. You spend on your guests.

Well then I don't think it's rude for them to specifiy what they'd like me to bring for them, as this is also common courtesy when invited as a guest to somewhere.

@elfycat

BIL specified luxury holiday vouchers at his wedding. You'd think for the honeymoon, but they'd had a luxury destination wedding without any family present and were now having a reception in pokey venue, cheap wine, but excuse to ask for gifts the UK.

They mentioned already being set up and not needing toasters.

They got over 20 identical toasters from pissed off friends. DH and I spent well under half of the usual gift value on the holiday we were paying for.

Twats.

So either a tiny donation, or something that doesn't come in a box/ sarcastic gift oh sorry we didn't get what you meant

Well they know they have friends who are total twats. What a vile thing to do to a couple who have invited you to share a celebration.

I hope they remember to do something similar in return. Have you got kids? I'd be buying them a drum set and trumpet for Christmas if I was them.