Bridal couple requesting no "boxed gifts"... Is this normal or cheeky?

[weekendbreak101]

I'm invited to the wedding of a friend. Not a particularly close friend but we've known each other a long time.
On the invitation, the couple have requested "no boxed gifts"..
Can't help feeling this is a bit cheeky... I presume they mean no kettles, toasters, crockery sets and that kind of stuff but to rule out anything that comes in a box??
Feeling a bit annoyed, as I feel it's an indirect way of saying "we prefer money or vouchers". Surely it should be up to the guest what they want to give (or can afford to give) as a gift?
What are other peoples' thoughts on this?

but what is being asked for depends on the event, for a bring a plate you bring food, for a wedding you traditionally bring a gift for the bride and groom, and I can't think many people attending a wedding would not want to give a gift to them.
Exactly the tradition is a gift, a boxed one more traditionally. However, more and more people seem to think that's wasted and therefore should be replaced with cash, so why is it any different to changing the tradition when going to dinner party and asking for cash because a plate of food that is not of everyone taste or not good due to allergies, or a bottle of wine when not drinking alcohol is also waste?

@AryaStarkWolf

I agree. This is just stupid. Only on Mumsnet does this seem to be a problem. Can anyone explain it to me? I personally would rather give a couple £50 in cash for them to spend on something they like or want be if a physical gift or towards honeymoon etc, than buy them something they don't really want or need.

Gone are the days when a couple start to live together after they've gotten married, they'll likely have already most of if not all of the household things they want or need so they don't need a toaster from you? confused why does this upset people?

I know right? I don't know, maybe we're odd but I usually like the people who's weddings I go to and would prefer they liked my present

It's a strange mentality to resent the hosts and not want to give them what they need but rather what the guest wants to buy.

What most against comments show is that it's all about them as a gift giver. What they want to do,what they read into it, what feelings they get from it, what idyllic image they get in their head about the receiver with their pots and pans sighing wistfully about how amazing the gift giver is 48 years later.

Some are figuratively stomping their feet and "shouting" "I don't wanna!" while coming up with ridiculous ideas to teach the couple a lesson.

No thought towards what the couple want,need or might enjoy, but somehow claiming they care and like them. Mate, I wouldn't want to be your enemy then.

@butterpuffed

Why don't they say what they DO want [money and vouchers] rather than what they DON'T want [boxed gifts].

After all, nobody tells you what they don't want for Christmas or their birthday

Because people's heads would explode with outrage...

You're not supposed to indicate you are aware most of your guests plan to bring you something (the norm in practically every culture since weddings were invented) and give them guidance what not to waste their hard earned money on. God forbid if you should give them

Take it out of the box before wrapping, simples!

That’s actually what I thought they meant by it 😂😂

I'm afraid that anyone specifying money if they invite me to their wedding gets a cookery book. Have a cheaper do if you need money.

[quote motogogo]@ObviousNameChage

I'm using the crockery and cutlery that dp got as wedding gifts, they are pretty expensive brand/design but his ex hated them. We use them as everyday stuff, why not? I'm practical and attach no sentiment to things so told him to take whatever was not required by her (they delayed selling the family home to allow the kids to leave school, as have I, fortunate to be able to do this financially). I'd rather eat off bone China than supermarket cheap stuff![/quote]
It was just to show that the "lucky" couple couldn't even remember which Joseph and Mary(and the wee donkey) the gift came from, didn't want it , much less get joy and remember them fondly years on.

The only one that got seriously excited about them was me, the new girlfriend.

I'd find no boxed gifts a little rude, perhaps could be better phrased along the lines of no gift is necessary but if you'd like to get us something, a small contribution towards X would be appreciated.

We had a gift list if people asked but, 20 years later, some of my favourite things are the more off piste gifts my friends bought. Also, not all guests are flush with money and if you are more general with your wished for items (say a water jug, salad servers or whatever), it gives them the opportunity to give a substantial looking present while perhaps spending less or finding one in a sale. They might be embarrassed putting the equivalent £15 or £20 in an envelope as cash.

I'm afraid that anyone specifying money if they invite me to their wedding gets a cookery book.

That they don’t want?

What a shameful waste, why would you do that?

...an indication of what would be the best type of gift should you decide to give them anything.

People are acting like the couple said "give us this much money or don't bother showing up" and they'll be disinvited or shamed if they don't.

I hate requests for cash/vouchers.

It's a demand for value. Its impossible for anyone to give something that might be appreciated for its meaning or sentiment more than its monetary value. Its grasping and makes people compete for how much they feel they need to give to avoid losing face.

And actually a gift should be about the giving, not the receiving. It's not about the couple getting a chunk of cash to use as they wish. It's about the giver choosing something thoughtfully.

They might be embarrassed putting the equivalent £15 or £20 in an envelope as cash.

They really shouldn’t be. The B&G will get a lot more joy out of putting that towards something important to them than a ‘bargain’ that they don’t want or need.

PLEASE get them a gift in a box, in a bigger box, in a bigger box etc etc etc

BIL specified luxury holiday vouchers at his wedding. You'd think for the honeymoon, but they'd had a luxury destination wedding without any family present and were now having a reception in pokey venue, cheap wine, but excuse to ask for gifts the UK.

They mentioned already being set up and not needing toasters.

They got over 20 identical toasters from pissed off friends. DH and I spent well under half of the usual gift value on the holiday we were paying for.

Twats.

So either a tiny donation, or something that doesn't come in a box/ sarcastic gift oh sorry we didn't get what you meant

It's about the giver choosing something thoughtfully.

That the receiver neither wants nor needs, then gives to the charity shop. You think that’s genuinely better?

I agree with KeatingFive.

And actually a gift should be about the giving, not the receiving. It's not about the couple getting a chunk of cash to use as they wish. It's about the giver choosing something thoughtfully.

Firstly, gift should be about the one who eill recieve it. I eman if not, than people are really giving random unwanted crap, which isn't crap for them, but for the reciever.

Secondly, people need to stop using "thoughtful". If it was "thoughtful" it would have been about what the gifted person wants and needs. Not ablut what cought someones eyes in local bargain shop or whatevs.

Giving unwanted gifts when there was a specific request of not giving unwanted gifts is an opposite of "thoughtful"

Sorry about typos🤦

I am so glad none of the people here are obviously in my circles.

What most against comments show is that it's all about them as a gift giver

What most for comments show that it's all about their sense of entitlement to make demands on others actions.

When it is part of the culture, that's fine. It's not a personal demand. When the culture is open to different customs, it is a demand.

I however agree that anyone not happy doesn't have to go. I've turned down a number of weddings for it. I've suddenly remember that one colleague wouldn't take no for an answer and pestered me for ages. When she finally accepted that I wouldn't change my plans to attend her far away wedding, she actually said that she was disappointed but would still gracefully accept my gift (when clearly asking to cash only)! I gave her £5 in a card.

Really really hate that attitude.

And what happens if 100 guests thoughtfully buy you photo frames (because no-one else would have thought of that idea of a gift) How useful would they be? How many would end up in a charity shop?

@frg124

I'd find no boxed gifts a little rude, perhaps could be better phrased along the lines of no gift is necessary but if you'd like to get us something, a small contribution towards X would be appreciated.

We had a gift list if people asked but, 20 years later, some of my favourite things are the more off piste gifts my friends bought. Also, not all guests are flush with money and if you are more general with your wished for items (say a water jug, salad servers or whatever), it gives them the opportunity to give a substantial looking present while perhaps spending less or finding one in a sale. They might be embarrassed putting the equivalent £15 or £20 in an envelope as cash.

So how do you estimate how many people you invited are able or willing to buy you a present in a certain price range? If you have say 10 items on your list under £20 but in reality there's say 15 people with a budget up to £20, aren't the other 5 forced to buy you something more expensive than they can afford?

Or they go rogue and waste their money on stuff you don't need or already have just to give you something for appearances sake.

Plenty grabby articles present I see. Just so we are clear, no one is owed a gift of any description by virtue of inviting someone to an event. No one. It is VERY rude to specify what you want. You do not ask for gifts. Wedding lists should not go out with invitations. If you would like to buy a gift, you ask for said list. I often give cash or vouchers but on the one occasion there was a cash request, they got a card. Mind you we had forked out for flights half way round the world to attend. Grabby af.

@vivainsomnia

What most against comments show is that it's all about them as a gift giver

What most for comments show that it's all about their sense of entitlement to make demands on others actions.

When it is part of the culture, that's fine. It's not a personal demand. When the culture is open to different customs, it is a demand.

I however agree that anyone not happy doesn't have to go. I've turned down a number of weddings for it. I've suddenly remember that one colleague wouldn't take no for an answer and pestered me for ages. When she finally accepted that I wouldn't change my plans to attend her far away wedding, she actually said that she was disappointed but would still gracefully accept my gift (when clearly asking to cash only)! I gave her £5 in a card.

Really really hate that attitude.

Yeah, that's shit attitude. But majoroty of people don't have that shit attitude. Kind of like majority of people answer their door😁 Can't judge everyone based on few people

I'm interested in this as we're getting married this summer. We are both over 40 and we don't need anything, in fact we both agreed a long time ago that we shouldn't buy anything for the house ourselves either, as it's just wasteful and I worry about our use of plastics etc.

DP wanted us to say that we didn't want any gifts at all ("don't buy us a gift") but I said I thought that might sound rude / ungrateful and also I know that parents / aunts / uncles / close friends would WANT to get us something. So I suggested we have one of the money gift website thingys where we say "£10 will buy us a cocktail on honeymoon" etc. The invitations say we don't need anything and your presence is a lovely present (I know it's corny but it's true, after lockdown all we need is to have a wedding and see our loved ones). I did think to myself that lovely thoughtful gifts like photo albums of old pics, or handmade crafty things, or gift experiences, would be lovely, but I didn't know how to say that and also that might run the risk of asking people to spend a lot of time on it. Most of our friends have children so time is not something they have a lot of.

I hope and pray that my friends and family know that we mean it when we say we don't want or need anything. But I'm interested in the Mumsnet verdict.....