Bridal couple requesting no "boxed gifts"... Is this normal or cheeky?

[weekendbreak101]

I'm invited to the wedding of a friend. Not a particularly close friend but we've known each other a long time.
On the invitation, the couple have requested "no boxed gifts"..
Can't help feeling this is a bit cheeky... I presume they mean no kettles, toasters, crockery sets and that kind of stuff but to rule out anything that comes in a box??
Feeling a bit annoyed, as I feel it's an indirect way of saying "we prefer money or vouchers". Surely it should be up to the guest what they want to give (or can afford to give) as a gift?
What are other peoples' thoughts on this?

@ObviousNameChage

Some posters' heads might blow up to know that where I'm from, not only cash gifts are the "done thing" , but there's a minimum limit to it as well. Everyone (unless seriously struggling)attending gives at least the cost of the meal as a gift. Then depending on resources/relationship to the couple they add in more or do a practical gift as well.

BOOM! 🤯

We do the same! We try to aim around £50 pp as a gift when attempting a wedding, more if it's a close friend.

@TheKeatingFive

When did it become a thing to get guests to pay for the honeymoon

Why is it fine to get guests to pay for your le creuset but not your honeymoon?

....oh, I so wish you'd said '..your cruise'.

To be honest I don't see the problem with this. They are direct and telling the guests what they want. What's the point of gifting them something that they don't need, maybe they already have lots of stuff. Then if they say no presents, people would insist and still give them something that they probably wouldn't need. It's a win win situation, guests don't have to figure out what they'd like and the bride and groom can choose what they want. Really would be better if people are more direct in what they want.

@ObviousNameChage Ireland? If not then we do that in Ireland too

Giving money might be a problem for some people, as in the amount they can afford to give. Those who don't wish ,or can't afford to give much, will get hung up about those who give a huge amount.

I always give cash as it’s easy but I do still think it’s really rude to dictate what gifts you want to be given. I personally find old fashioned wedding lists equally as cringe as a modern honeymoon fund. When we got married we said no gifts at all. Maybe that was rude too, idk, it’s a minefield! I hope I didn’t piss anyone off by denying them the chance to get us a casserole dish we’d never use.

@NannyAndJohn

It is grabby.

I can see guests being pressured into giving £50 cash instead of a £20 gift. A subtle way of making them spend more.

Nope. Only if you are insecured about friendship. And in that case, people shouldn't go!

Honestly, half of these issues wouldn't exist if people only invited people they REALLY like and guests who don't particularly like the couple would refuse

HoppingPavlova who is getting guests to cover the cost of the wedding? It's hardly ''if you wish to attend please gift £££ in order to cover the costs of having you here'' it's literally just asking for no boxed gifts or a contribution to xyz if you wish no amount specified.

Some posters are saying that it’s a valid way of recouping money that has been spent on the wedding. That’s essentially cross-charging for attendance. Some people may pay a lot, others a little so while it’s not charging a set amount per head, if that’s the intent it is definitely a form of cross-charging. That’s odd.

I don’t think it is cheeky to request gifts with no box packaging. It’s greener and more eco-friendly. Besides many couples marry later and don’t need the traditional home things as gifts. Better to buy something nice and personal or give money.

@1forAll74

Giving money might be a problem for some people, as in the amount they can afford to give. Those who don't wish ,or can't afford to give much, will get hung up about those who give a huge amount.

They won't know! If you do it at the designated 'gift table' at reception, the people taking the money make a note of what is given but not who gives it. It isn't a competition, you give what you can, eg £20 is fine. Years ago, maybe 20 years, £10 was quite normal.

Also if you're attending an Asian wedding write a cheque out in the name of the, person who know e. G. Groom or bride. Never give cash or vouchers because the mother in law often takes it for herself. This is what happened to my friend, her mil took all the cash, vouchers and gold jewellery herself. Lesson learned so now I write a cheque and give it directly into the hands of bride/groom.

@oneglassandpuzzled

Weddings are hospitality.

You budget for them. You don’t expect guests to cover their own meals by giving you cash.

You don't. You ask them to come. Guest "etiquette " dictates what I previously mentioned. No one asks for anything it's just "the rule". If someone can't contribute they have the option to pay less, give an actual gift, do something else for the couple,give nothing or not attend. There are always exceptions to the rule of course, and it can be easily managed.

Why is it fine to get guests to pay for your le creuset but not your honeymoon

The theory there would be Le Creuset lasts a lifetime (theoretically) so after being married for 48 years and cooking dinner you still look at it and think fondly of Mary and John who gifted it. Whereas with the honeymoon there is no individual thought given to Mary and John while on it let alone 48 years later. No one stares into space 48 years later as the thought strikes them ‘gosh I’m glad Mary and John chipped in to our honeymoon along with 148 others years ago’, just doesn’t happen.

Same theory would go for any gift even those with a shorter span, although quality should be that it lasts a significant amount of time so when Betty is drywall by her arse with the towel 9 years later thinking it’s not so fluffy anymore and needs to be replaced she thinks fondly of Sue and Peter whose towels have given nearly a decades service.

*drying her arse. Seriously going to smash this keyboard tonight.

And you're deluding yourself if you think it actually covers the cost of the wedding or a honeymoon. Unless there's really flush families involved, but normally with those the other costs increase too.

As in many weddings in Spain, you calculate how much the seating cost, add for a present or I have also paid into the honeymoon fund. Why anyone would insist on buying people stuff they don´t want is beyond me. And a waste of money on top.

I've never heard of people not bringing a gift to a wedding(however that gift may look)- it is the height of bad manners, particularly if you attend the ceremony. I like choosing gifts but if the B & G would rather have vouchers etc. I would get those.

@HoppingPavlova

Why is it fine to get guests to pay for your le creuset but not your honeymoon

The theory there would be Le Creuset lasts a lifetime (theoretically) so after being married for 48 years and cooking dinner you still look at it and think fondly of Mary and John who gifted it. Whereas with the honeymoon there is no individual thought given to Mary and John while on it let alone 48 years later. No one stares into space 48 years later as the thought strikes them ‘gosh I’m glad Mary and John chipped in to our honeymoon along with 148 others years ago’, just doesn’t happen.

Same theory would go for any gift even those with a shorter span, although quality should be that it lasts a significant amount of time so when Betty is drywall by her arse with the towel 9 years later thinking it’s not so fluffy anymore and needs to be replaced she thinks fondly of Sue and Peter whose towels have given nearly a decades service.

It doesn't happen with the creuset either. The fact that you think it does shows that this is actually about the gift giver and what they want ,not the recipient.

If you're so offended don't go to the wedding. Simple as that

@HoppingPavlova

Even if it is cash the total rarely covers the wedding costs

Same as with the honeymoon, when has it become a thing to get guests to cover the cost of the wedding? Bizarre. When did the pendulum swing from deciding to get married and covering the cost by budgeting for it (as brides family paying had long gone when I got married decades ago) to cross charging guests on arrival to cover it?

But B&G still have to budget for it and pay for it, in most cases in advance. Unless they ask for a specific amount in the invitation and put a bouncer on the door not letting you in until you pay up, how could they possibly rely on recovering their expenses via cash gifts? Some people will give a fiver or a tenner which in most situations is not enough to cover the expenses per person. Some won't give anything.

What's bizarre is this attitude specifically about weddings - not wanting to contribute in a way that you know will be useful to the bride and groom to help with the cost of the party you will personally benefit from as a guest, purely out of spite.

A donation has been made in your name to the NYC ballet...

[quote AryaStarkWolf]@ObviousNameChage Ireland? If not then we do that in Ireland too [/quote]
Nope. An EE country.

It's mind boggling how many countries and cultures across continents are deemed rude,tacky and grabby and the stubborn rejection of it seeping into "English" habits.

Yes, I agree some seriously cynical people in the world. I'd be flattered if I got an invite to a wedding but then I really like attending them.

HoppingPavlova

I get your point, but I assure you I think about my honeymoon a lot more than I think about my pots and pans

Most of my friends don't bother with expensive and long lasting household stuff anyway, if you want something as boring (but useful) as a Le Creuset, you pick it up cheap at TK Maxx. I can't remember the last time I saw silverware on a wedding list, the only people using theirs have inherited them.

People resenting honeymoon etc strike me as bitter and jealous that someone they are supposed to be friend or related to could enjoy themselves.

It’s less common now for boxed gifts to be given, unless there is a gift list, so they probably wouldn’t be receiving that many boxes anyway.

To put it on a wedding invitation like that so abruptly, it sounds to my ears like people are getting a telling off or a warning for even contemplating it!

It sounds a bit thoughtless to me, unless there is a genuine logistic reason- like the couple are going away travelling or something straight after the wedding!