Bridal couple requesting no "boxed gifts"... Is this normal or cheeky?

[weekendbreak101]

I'm invited to the wedding of a friend. Not a particularly close friend but we've known each other a long time.
On the invitation, the couple have requested "no boxed gifts"..
Can't help feeling this is a bit cheeky... I presume they mean no kettles, toasters, crockery sets and that kind of stuff but to rule out anything that comes in a box??
Feeling a bit annoyed, as I feel it's an indirect way of saying "we prefer money or vouchers". Surely it should be up to the guest what they want to give (or can afford to give) as a gift?
What are other peoples' thoughts on this?

@vivainsomnia

Whoever said that people should demand gifts? That's what they do. Be it through a supposedly lovely poem or no boxes type of wording, it is very much a demand!

If you’re so sensitive as to interpret any sort of wording as a demand then you might as well not to. As the only thing acceptable to you is no mention of it at all. Or explicit no gifts. Most people of reasonable means expect to bring gifts or similar to a wedding. So what’s wrong with clarifying what B&G don’t want? Nobody’s demanding it but everyone knows that most people will bring a gift. No need to dance around it. Also it goes two ways - B&G will likely attend weddings of their guests (or their children) so if you don’t give a gift (again, hardship or a hard to travel to wedding excepted) don’t expect to receive any. I have known people who never brought any gifts to weddings and moaned when this was returned in kind at their children’s weddings.

I'm from an Eastern European country and it's pretty standard and actually takes a lot of hassle out. Half of the time gifts can be duplicate or something the couple already has or doesn't want or need.
My DGM loves it when a couple just ask for a contribution to the honeymoon or something specific as that way she's not worrying about buying something naff they've no need for. She feels it's so much more practical.

It has actually been pretty standard at most of the weddings I've been to in my home country to just do something very token like flowers/chocolates or a bottle of something and money in the wedding card, I think generally enough to cover the guest cost per head (e.g. if it's £50 a head and its a couple they'll do £100).

My DGM says it was different when she was getting married as decades ago it used to be literally a fresh start for the newlyweds and things were hard to come by therefore stuff like vacuums, pots and pans and so on was very useful to receive (although they did get two vacuum cleaners at their wedding ).

When I get married I will be quite specific as well as I know for a fact half of my family have VERY different tastes from me and to simplify it me and DP will most likely either ask for a contribution to the honeymoon if someone would like or just their attendance as at the end of the day we just want to celebrate with the people we invite.

I'd much rather give money, and I honestly don't think it matters if it's £20 or £200. It's no different from getting a gift off a list - you pick what you can afford. Most people already have all the traditional wedding gift stuff like crockery, kettle, etc, so it's surely better if they can put the money together to buy something big rather than getting lots of smaller gifts they don't actually need. Who wouldn't prefer that their money was spent on something people actually want and will use?

*not go

They also bought me a voucher for a spa in London

I like those, but on another (current) thread, they are absolutely hated!

I genuinely would have thought they didn’t want any boxes to then have to dispose of . I really would not have known it meant requesting money. I would have chosen a gift that was in bubble wrap or tissue paper.

We got married in 2002 and this was just starting to be a thing back then. It was such a relief though as weddings are stressful and people typically don't have a lot of room, so getting cash is so much better all round IMO.

There are ways of saying it though and your friend's invite would certainly not make me look forward to going to their wedding! It sounds rude and entitled.

We just said "A contribution towards our honeymoon would be greatly appreciated".

@Ozanj

It’s standard amongst some cultures because if left to their own devices people would give money and a gift and due to size of these weddings and the rules of reprocity in social settings managing it is a bit of a logistical nightmare. For example for my wedding I received 100 sets of dinnerware, 200 pairs of gold earrings (some of which were just shoved into blank envelopes so I had to ask all my guests if they were the ones who gave it to me), three horses, and even gifts for my ‘future kids’.

Wow ! This made me smile. Imaging politely receiving 3 horses.

It is grabby.

I can see guests being pressured into giving £50 cash instead of a £20 gift. A subtle way of making them spend more.

i don't get this at all, surely times have moved on now that people don't buy toasters or kettles for weddings? My mother for some strange reason hates giving money and will spend huge effort finding a present for peoples wedding that i know for a fact is given to the charity shop or re gifted straight after. She actually spotted a print she had bought for a neighbor's wedding (they had built their house 5 years before that and all ready had a child) siting in the window of the local charity shop two weeks after the wedding. She was disgusted , i said sure what you expect, you gave it to them, they can do what they like after should have given them money instead. She used to be the same to me always buying stuff she thought i would like, when i moved two years ago she helped me at a car boot sale i went to before i moved to clear some of the stuff i didn't want to bring, i showed her everything that i didn't need and told her never to buy me anything unless i tell her i want it again. I have a box in the spare room, anything that i get that i dint like want or need goes straight into that box, its re gifted sold or given to charity. If you don't like giving money give a voucher instead or as some one said donate to charity. Only give what you can afford aswell. Please do not be the person who doesn't give anything. We had a good few weddings in the years before covid and know a few that didn't give presents at all. To me that is very rude

I'm a gypsy and if someone ever asked for money it would be seen as extremely shameful.

It's not giving money for a wedding present that annoys me, it's the twee way people ask for it. As if it's supposed to disguise the fact that they want cash not gifts.

I had a wedding invite which directed me to a website with a huge list of activities and items I could choose from to buy (as in give the money to them) for their honeymoon.
I donated money for an "experience" but I thought less of them after this.

Why not just say they want money instead of the "no boxed gifts/honeymoon crap"?

See I think wedding lists are cheeky best not to mention gifts at all. If you want to get them a toaster, get a toaster and shove it in a bag

I think it's fine to say no gifts. We dont want gifts at our wedding. Weve lived together 7 years. Someone giving us plates/ a kettle/ a toaster would just mean we would have to throw away perfectly good stuff we already have. We would rather have no gifts or if people really want to give us something then money that we can put towards a holiday.

@NannyAndJohn

It is grabby.

I can see guests being pressured into giving £50 cash instead of a £20 gift. A subtle way of making them spend more.

only for people who have a weird need to show off!

You'd think that wedding gift lists are considered traditional by now!

Buy a toaster, take it out if it's box, wrap it and give it to them. They might be trying to reduce packaging and are being environmentally friendly

I don't think it is granny if you are being asked by older relatives, your parent's friends etc. My DH is Jewish (culturally) so I don't know if that made a difference, relatives are well off and was not a pressurised thing, it was expected, they wanted to know, one relative gave us a piece of Art, we really appreciated it as I said, we weren't bothered but it was considered rude not to provide a solution.

Grabby not 'granny'.

I wouldn't see a problem with this. If I am going to the wedding, then presumably I'd like to gift the couple something that they want and vouchers/cash is usually the safest way to go. There was a trend among my friends to gift paintings or other art - that was painful. A friend ended up with 5 paintings of which they liked only 1 and yet had to display them all when people would come for a visit.

We had 'no gifts or charity' for our wedding and specified charity that meant a lot to us.

I donated money for an "experience" but I thought less of them after this

Honestly, why?

They are your friends presumably. This is what they said they’d like. It’ll be an experience they remember forever.

Why would you have such an issue with this yet be happier giving them some material stuff they don’t want or need? I honestly don’t get it. It’s baffling

The last five weddings I’ve been to ive given contributions to honeymoons. I’ve been delighted to help fund something the couple will get so much joy out of. Why wouldn’t I be? Why would I think less of someone as they help make sure I’m not spending money wastefully, but on something special to them?

When I read "no boxed gifts", I assumed it was an environmental thing, because of all the packaging waste.

I would absolutely hate the stress of having to take on the responsibility of managing and disposing of all of that packaging and dealing with the stuff (disclaimer: I have ADHD and that level of "stuff" to deal with sends me into a cold sweat) - I'd rather not get married than have to deal with the presents!

I'm sure many people trying to live a minimalist lifestyle feel similarly about shedloads of packaged wedding presents.

They want money.
I think its cheeky.

I think asking for a contribution to the honeymoon is even cheekier. Pay for your own honeymoon.

I always assumed cash was the norm nowadays unless specifically told otherwise. Especially as a lot of couples already live together and have everything.

For my wedding, my fiance and I currently don't live together and both own our own (fully furnished) homes, if people bought us stuff, we would automatically have 3 of everything! I'm trying to get rid of stuff as it is.

People asked us if we had a gift list etc and we didn't. Interestingly, most people made the assumption that if we didn't mention gifts at all, it must mean we wanted money. If people want to stick some cash in a card, I'm okay with that. If people aren't keen on money and prefer to get me nothing or give me a card instead, I'm perfectly happy with that. In some ways, I'd rather they got me nothing and didn't waste their money rather than getting me something I already own 2 of.

That being said, if someone did prefer to get us an actual material gift, I would appreciate any gift we got. Someone got us gardening tools, we both live in flats and neither of us have a garden, but it's still a nice gesture that they spent money on us.

I think its rude as fuck to dictate to someone what they should give you as a gift... you are the recipient, you get no say unless they ask what you want.

I would comply though by taking just a card and no gift, I personally am not comfortable giving money/giftcards/vouchers (as we live below the poverty line and I cant afford to give much but usually pick a really personal gift for people) so wont be dictated to about it you say 'no gifts' you dont get a gift non of this between the lines you MUST give money crap.