To want parent’s phone number for teen sleepover

[Bagamoyo1]

DS is 15. Year 11 so he’s finished school till September.
He’s going to a friends tonight to watch the football, and a couple of them (DS included) are sleeping over.
I’ve asked him to get friend’s mum’s phone number, and to give her mine, in case of emergencies. Obviously he has his own phone, but if anything happened to him, no one else would be able to access his contacts as they wouldn’t know his PIN.
He says I’m being dramatic and ridiculous, and no one exchanges parent numbers now they’re all 15/16.
I admit I’m quite anxious about this sort of thing. My brother killed himself age 20, so whilst I’m not for a moment thinking that would happen, it has conditioned me to think that bad things will happen to people I love. I give my kids plenty of freedom but I like to know I can be contacted.
AIBU?

Currently we’ve compromised - he’s sent his friends my number - so that’s better thank nothing. I must add that at his age I was out and about a lot, pre mobile phones, so I’m aware of the double standard!

@Bagamoyo1 my mum was like you, it was a PITA but that was the deal. She had all of my friends phone numbers and parents numbers. Her father died when she was twenty so had some anxiety around that. It was the way it was and now that she’s gone, I miss it. It’s lovely to be cared for that much op, keep it up x

'but by 15 we all tend to know if we can trust our dc to be where they say they are.'

'Those of us with experience of caring for others teens also have a fair amount of experience of naive parents too. The number of parents I've met, talked to, known fairly well who are utterly clueless about what their little darling are like when they're not around is quite something'.

With respect, bollocks. I'm in no way 'naive'. I do however know if my dc say they are at a friends house for the night that is where they will be.

How awful if must be at that age to be asking for parents phone numbers because you don't trust your kids. I'd ask for a contact number if they were going on holiday with them, not if they were sleeping over 10 mins away.

You’ll get told you are being uptight because at 15 they are reeeally almost 16 which means they can get married and join the army etc etc so you should never know where they sleep again. However, if I had under 16’s in my care I would want the numbers of the parents, and I’d want the number any parent my child stays the night with (yes even at 15). I wouldn’t plan to call or anything though, I would send a text if I felt it necessary.

And if I had kids staying at mine I’d send a text to let the parents know. Apparently that made me ridiculous on another thread 🤷‍♀️😂

I think a couple of parents on here need to give their heads a wobble. Far too laidback. To the point of being neglectful.

'You’ll get told you are being uptight because at 15 they are reeeally almost 16 which means they can get married and join the army etc etc so you should never know where they sleep again.'

No no I want to know where they are sleeping, we have discussions in our house. I just believe them when they say where they are going because they have earned trust over the years.

Yanbu. I'd do this. Perfectly reasonable.

I'm glad you ended up with the contact details you wanted. My eldest is in Y11 too and the friends they tend to go out with/for sleepovers with are friends whose parents I'm already in touch with. The group also have numbers for the other mums (usually as a result of borrowing phones when batteries have run low) as well as knowing the PIN to get into each other's phones. This has always felt fine; they knew how to get in touch with a relevant parent in the event of an emergency.

However, one of their friends hasn't shared their parents' numbers, or their phone PIN and is much more guarded about that sort of thing which wouldn't have mattered had they not collapsed unconscious, then vomited, when the group was out together recently. None of them could contact the friend's parent which made a scary situation all the more scary. Between them, they saved their friend's life that night by giving first aid and ultimately getting the friend to hospital. The friend's parents would have known about it far sooner had any one of the group been able to get into their phone/had the number stored in their phones. Since that incident, I've asked DC1 to give my number to any friends they go out with so it can be used at any point if something goes wrong, they're worried it might go wrong or if they need me to do something.

There was a sleepover with a different group of friends at ours over the weekend and I encouraged DC1 to suggest the friends give my number to any of the parents that don't already have it but that's about as hardline as I'll be at that age.

Sorry by this age my ds would not of done this and I wouldn't of asked. He has a phone and if something did happen I'm sure some how they would find you and chances of him becoming so unwell he can't access his phone are fairly remote. Time to start snipping those apron strings

Also those claiming irresponsible not swopping numbers and it's only safe etc to do so. If your partner was going to s friends would you ask to swop numbers with the host incase of emergency or trust they could use phone? I really fear some are indanger of their dc being do tied to apron strings they don't develop the skills needed to survive in the world.

I think it’s fine. I don’t personally bother myself, but my 17 year old had a 16 year old friend staying over and her mum wanted my number - I was happy to provide it. We didn’t need to contact each other in the end, but if it made her feel more comfortable why should I object?

My partner is not a minor nicknamehelp

I think it is just good manners to have hosting parents phone numbers. Emergencies are two way events. If anything happened to you it would be important to be able to contact the host parent to inform them that pick up would be delayed.
DS is at a friend’s to watch the football this evening. His mum contacted everyone yesterday to check that we were happy for the boys to have a beer or two, they are all yr11. Not everyone is comfortable with their teenager drinking.
DS has recently started staying over at his girlfriends, her mum and I had a good chat beforehand and keep in touch. With everything that they have been through over the last 12mnths we have to remember they have effectively skipped a year without experiencing the normal rites of passage. It has been a bit of a leap from just 15 to almost 17.

With respect, bollocks.

Talk about a contradiction in terms! 

I hope you're right that your dc will always be honest and safe, but I've known many parents THINK this is the case and it very much isn't

because they have earned trust over the years.

This is exactly the age at which they use that trust capital to get away with doing things and being places they know you wouldn't approve of

@nicknamehelp when I was married if I was staying at a friends I let husband know where etc and he'd do the same. He was sometimes engaging in extreme sports, wild camping etc so he also would ensure those he was with had my numbers (no ubiquitous mobiles in those days so it was home and work numbers) and on one occasion I did indeed get an emergency call as he'd had an accident and was unconscious for some time

My dd is now 20, was working full time from 16, left home 2 years ago to be nearer to workplace (shift work so easier for her), is a capable, confident and sensible adult. Has been on holiday with friends and a boyfriend overseas, and is now living in another country in the Uk to me having returned to education following difficulties at school due to the school being unsupportive regarding her disability.

I hardly think she is crippled by the way I parented!

She can and has run and lived in a household of her own from the age of 18 (well paid job for her age she was able to get her own flat rented) including paying bills and dealing with a less than helpful landlord.

It's possible to raise a child with an eye on their safety and well-being AND raise them to be competent and independent adults the 2 aren't mutually exclusive

It's a balance that has to be struck, nobody gets it perfectly right, I worry at times dd is a little TOO independent as she hates asking for help and tends to try and tackle things herself even if she has no experience in the scenario. She generally manages but on occasion I think it would have been a bit less stressful for her if she weren't so determined to handle everything herself.

Among her peers, some were raised similarly, some were coddled and yes very much actually over protected - as in not allowed on sleepovers at all, strict early curfews, not allowed to work until they left school etc and some were neglected - I'm talking parents sodding off on 2 week holidays leaving them either alone or even looking after younger siblings, not caring where they were to the point they could stay over at friends houses and the parents barely even knew they weren't home, not guiding them on friendships/relationships, drugs, alcohol etc

There's a range of parenting types

It's a case of finding a balance and knowing also what works with your child. But not all parents assess that correctly

Wanting a parental contact number doesn’t meant you don’t have discussions with your children or don’t trust them though. Other posters have said they have trusted their children, had no reason not to etc but they weren’t where they said they were. Also several posters have said they didn’t go where they said they were and got away with it when this age. Doubt they all had dysfunctional or non trusting relationships with their parents. Personally I would want to know how to reach someone in an emergency etc but I am a worrier so it’s how I roll. My
DD is still very young so who knows how I will actually be down the line.

With everything that they have been through over the last 12mnths we have to remember they have effectively skipped a year without experiencing the normal rites of passage. It has been a bit of a leap from just 15 to almost 17.

Excellent point

YANBU. Just sounds like you’re a caring mum OP. I lost a sibling suddenly who was a similar age to your brother- you never get over the terror of that unexpected and life changing loss. It impacts you forever and there’s nothing wrong with wanting to take an extra precaution here.

You don't think this may be skewing your viewpoint on this?

Yes, I specifically stated "but that may just be my own teenage years talking there -- with them in mind" @Graphista

My 'I could go weeks at your DS's age with no parental contact.' was after "If my high school friends' parents had applied that to me, I would have been further isolated as I couldn't get in touch with my parents most of the time, let alone anyone else". I thought the context would show I wasn't saying it's a good thing and I was responding to people saying that they wouldn't allow a child to stay over without contacting their parents.

In my case, that wasn't an option on a regular basis and so, with my skewed perspective, I'm very aware that a child might actually be safer staying with me, in my home, even if I've never spoken with their parents. My skewed viewpoint means I know that it might be ensuring that child gets a meal and sleep feeling safe they might not otherwise have had. Maybe not, but I'd rather risk the chance of an emergency and another parent being angry at me than to risk a teenager being left vulnerable like that.

Yes, some teenagers might not contact in an emergency for fear of getting into trouble so might some adults. My experience skews my perspective on that too, been there, handled that but my line about not having contact with my parents that you quoted was about welcoming a teenager into my home because I know that child might not have an adult who is around to handle an emergency. That they might be in the middle of an emergency at home -- been there, had that too. I'm willing to take the risk of being that adult who needs to handle it than not have a child in my home because I haven't talked to their parents.

Safeguarding is in part about considering the worst case scenario. I know that my always being around for my kids doesn't mean the same for every other child and that there is chance I might be some other kids lifeline, just as some of my friend's parents were for me.

YANBU. He is still a child. You are responsible for him. I would want the number, not least to check that the parent is aware of the sleepover.

Those who are too scared of becoming an embarrassment to their child. Really? You've not grown up enough for yourself let alone making decisions for children. Ffs

If i were the hosting parent i would want a contact number for a 15 year old staying in my house.i mean even employers ask for next of kin details, and with a 15 year old you are in loco parentis too
As the parent of a guest though its different., I would not ask for a contact number