To want parent’s phone number for teen sleepover

[Bagamoyo1]

DS is 15. Year 11 so he’s finished school till September.
He’s going to a friends tonight to watch the football, and a couple of them (DS included) are sleeping over.
I’ve asked him to get friend’s mum’s phone number, and to give her mine, in case of emergencies. Obviously he has his own phone, but if anything happened to him, no one else would be able to access his contacts as they wouldn’t know his PIN.
He says I’m being dramatic and ridiculous, and no one exchanges parent numbers now they’re all 15/16.
I admit I’m quite anxious about this sort of thing. My brother killed himself age 20, so whilst I’m not for a moment thinking that would happen, it has conditioned me to think that bad things will happen to people I love. I give my kids plenty of freedom but I like to know I can be contacted.
AIBU?

Currently we’ve compromised - he’s sent his friends my number - so that’s better thank nothing. I must add that at his age I was out and about a lot, pre mobile phones, so I’m aware of the double standard!

you'd leave your 16 year old spend the night somewhere you don't know with people you know nothing about? Really?

Boy or girl, it's shocking.

Even as a middle-aged mother, if I am staying at my parents during the holidays and go for a night or 2 with friends, I tell my parents where I am! It's basic manners if nothing else

Lol. Dramatic much? I didn’t say I don’t know where she is. I said I don’t know the parents.

She tells me where she’s going, which friends house it is. Sometimes I drop her off, sometimes she catches the bus. 🤷‍♀️

And I’m mumsnet shock horror, you’ll all love this one, sometimes she even turns her tracker on on her phone if I think her story sounds fishy.

Never gave parents' details at that age. It just wasn't the done thing.

This is nothing to do with being the ‘cool’ parent , it’s about being reasonable , sensible , trusting your older teen ( we are not talking about a 13 yr old here) and realising that you need to let them grow up . Nobody is saying wave them goodbye and stop caring , the OP knows where he is .

@LittleGwyneth well tbh I had my (equivalent to) A level at 17yo and moved to Uni then.
May oarents we’re still living overseas so I was on my own at 17 (and a half) yo, on the other side of the world.
There was no mobile phone at that time. My parents obviously knew where I lived but certainly not where I was going when I was going out….

Was it extreme and unusual? Well for most people it was. And by today’s standard, it would probably be considered awful.
On thé other side, I think we need to start trusting our teenagers more than we do. It’s not possible to shield them from everything for ever and they need to learn to be independent. That means being able to take risks in a control environment. A party with friends and some parents close by certainly fits the bill there.

@Bagamoyo1, what I am looking at when my dcs go out like this is whether they are likely to be either safe or have someone at hand to help if need be.

If my dc faints and is unconscious so they can’t ring me, I don’t want someone to run orotund to find my number. I want them to put them, in a recovery position and ring 999.
Your ds will have friends and a set if parents to do that. That’s what will keep him safe.
Being able to contact you ASAP could be nice but it won’t be as essential to his safety (plus if he does need to go to hosp, you will listed as next of kin).

I think you are concentrating ion the wrong thing. And it’s more about your uneasiness of not knowing and not being in control than about his safety iyswim

Personally, I would always get the details (and actually check them). But then some of my kids & their friends have had form for not telling the entire truth, then getting into some very, very dodgy situations and not feeling able to get out out of the situation because they had not been honest about where they actually were. And that absolutely starts at 15. So wouldn't worry, there will always be parents at different positions on that spectrum.

Boy that age I wouldn't bother, girl definitely

YANBU - he’s a child, you’re responsible for him. I’m gobsmacked people saying he’s nearly 16!? 16 is still a child too. Mumsnet is a very strange world .

Interesting split on this. DS is 15 and I would always make contact with the other parent if he were sleeping over somewhere. Just seems normal to me as well as courteous.

I wouldn't have teens to sleep over here unless I had contact details for their parents.

@JellyTumble

Obviously he has his own phone, but if anything happened to him, no one else would be able to access his contacts as they wouldn’t know his PIN.

Does he have an iPhone? Because in a medical emergency anyone can access your emergency contacts and medical conditions you input from your front screen. You don’t need to have their pin.

I don’t know if there’s something similar for Android but worth looking into.

Yes android is similar, I've got my dm and my dh saved as emergency contacts/ICE and if you swipe to make an emergency call it offers you both their numbers as well as the option to call 999.

@WalkingOnTheCracks

At least until mid-teens, I always went for 'get the mum or dad to text me, so I know they're happy to have you there'....

None of my kids thought that was unreasonable.

This is what I also do

We compromised in a similar situation and just asked for the address of where he was going. Gave us the comfort of knowing where he was, gave him the comfort of knowing we weren't going to randomly call his friends parents. (not that we would have)

You’re being a good mum and you’ve already reached a goos compromise. Now if there is a problem and he is unable to use his phone, his family can call you. And if you have a problem you can call his mobile.

Seems ok. Ignore the drama on here.

YABNU.

I would think it basic courtesy to contact the parent hosting my DC and just say 'This is X's Mum. Thank you very much for having him/her on [date]'. I caught my 'reliable, responsible' DC out when, thinking the 'mum' who would be supervising the sleepover sounded young, asked if she was over 18. Turns out big sister was in charge with the parents away.

This came back to bite my DC who, when at university, held the fort with a friend when the parents were away and younger sister was having a sleepover. The 'trustworthy, reliable' 15 year-olds ran riot, including getting the keys of the dad's BMW and joy-riding very drunk. It was a useful but scary lesson for a 20-year-old.

I was at some 6th form talk at my DC's school and the Head said she couldn't understand why we parents didn't talk to each other when our children were visiting.

The rule for my kids (for anything after 9pm) was I needed the address and a contact number other than my DD's. Dd1 never pushed boundaries and even at university (lived at home) texted if she was going to be later than planned. Dd2 mostly toed the line though found out she wasn't always where she claimed (years later) when her friend blabbed

Of course you should be able to contact a child's parents in case of emergency.

We had various emergency numbers for when our daughter lived abroad for a year including her landlady. We always knew if she was going away within Italy and who she was going with. As happens, we also had the personal email and phone number of our son's commanding officer whenever he was deployed.

Why would you not?

@Bagamoyo1

I know where he’ll be, and I’ll be dropping him off there, but I know he won’t let me get out of the car and go to the door with him! They’ll be in all evening watching the football, then they’ll play Xbox after that. My worry is that if he were to become ill or unconscious (I know, I know, there’s no reason why he would, but that’s my worry) , the friend’s mum wouldn’t know how to contact me. He’s flatly refusing to ask for her number though, says it’ll be too embarrassing to ask his friend. He has sent the friends my number though - bizarrely that is less embarrassing!

I wouldn't let him tell me what to do. I would go to the door to introduce myself and give my number in case they need anything. It is totally normal thing to do when someone is hosting your kid and you're dropping them off.

I think you will look rude if you just sit in your car.

YANBU

What harm can it do to have the number?

Gosh, such mixed responses.

My son 16 tomorrow had a sleepover last week and I asked for the mum's number.

No they have emergency contacts saved in their phone that can be accessed without the passcode. I have addresses of their friends from pick up and dropping off previously so no need to involve parents.

I remember some pretty weird/dark stuff happening at sleepovers when I was 15/16. I would def want the parent in charge to have my number. I remember one friend getting so drunk on alcohol smuggled in to the sleepover that she became unconscious, the parent of the house were in didn't have their parents' contact details and just took them to A&E and left them there! On another occasion a friend got really badly hurt in an accident. On another occasion a someone was sexually assaulted by someone they considered a friend. On both the above occasions the parent in the house had to call the parent of the teen (even though the teen didn't want them to). Essentially these are children in the care of the adult in the house, and the parent is ultimately legally responsible for their welfare. Also, I don't think teens actually do tease each other if a parent shows a minimal interest in their whereabouts/welfare. There is one boy in my teen son's friendship group who has parents who don't have my number and have never given theirs despite requests . . . and he is very well liked but kind of pitied by the other boys because he's so clearly out in the world on his own.

Well in the end he gave me the Mum’s number without me asking. His girlfriend has been here this afternoon and I think she must have told him to give it to me! So we’ve exchanged texts.

Now he’s asking if he can drink some cider while he’s there.

I want to go back to the old days when they were asleep by 7pm after a bedtime story!

YANBU. He is legally a child, your child! It's completely normal to want the details (address, a phone number etc.).

As a secondary school teacher and a parent I find it utterly fascinating how parents abdicate all responsibility of their precious children as soon as they are teenagers. You are absolutely doing the right thing. Never apologise for wanting your child to be safe.

YABU. I would and have let my 13 yr old go on a sleepover without knowing or contacting the parents

But I’m in France where it’s normal to drop and run at parties for 4 yr old and up.