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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want parent’s phone number for teen sleepover

170 replies

Bagamoyo1 · 22/06/2021 08:23

DS is 15. Year 11 so he’s finished school till September.
He’s going to a friends tonight to watch the football, and a couple of them (DS included) are sleeping over.
I’ve asked him to get friend’s mum’s phone number, and to give her mine, in case of emergencies. Obviously he has his own phone, but if anything happened to him, no one else would be able to access his contacts as they wouldn’t know his PIN.
He says I’m being dramatic and ridiculous, and no one exchanges parent numbers now they’re all 15/16.
I admit I’m quite anxious about this sort of thing. My brother killed himself age 20, so whilst I’m not for a moment thinking that would happen, it has conditioned me to think that bad things will happen to people I love. I give my kids plenty of freedom but I like to know I can be contacted.
AIBU?

Currently we’ve compromised - he’s sent his friends my number - so that’s better thank nothing. I must add that at his age I was out and about a lot, pre mobile phones, so I’m aware of the double standard!

OP posts:
SueSaid · 22/06/2021 10:52

At that age sharing parents numbers is, imo, only necessary for holidays or if a dc has specific issues like is a diabetic or epileptic, or has mh or behavioural issues.

Generally no, if a 15 year old slept at their friends I wouldn't expect to have a contact number for parents. I do give a shit of course, but this type of thing tends to stop in secondary school.

Evidencebased · 22/06/2021 10:52

The following might be true for a minority of teens, but nevertheless, it's real. Happened lots of times when I was a teen, happens still.
Teen A says 'Sleepover at teen B's', Teen B says ' Sleepover at teen A's'.
Parents say OK.
Both teens go somewhere their parents would have said no to.
eg overnight party with no parental supervision, gig in the big city, rave, night away with older, married 'boyfriend'. I grew up in a quiet 'naice' rural area, and literally all of those things were done by friends.

There's a line where your DC are responsible for their own lives. Probably different precise age, depends on the DC.
Below that line, act like a responsible parent. Get the number, check what's going on.

SueSaid · 22/06/2021 10:55

'Below that line, act like a responsible parent. Get the number, check what's going on.'

Oh yes of course if you have a deceitful dc who has form for breaking trust which surely by 15 you'd know all about them yes, helicopter parenting will still be required.

ChristmasFluff · 22/06/2021 10:58

When we have physio students with us at work, we always ask for an emergency telephone number from them. Some are in their 40s.

It's not about being over-protective, it is to make things run more smoothly in an emergency, when people are less likely to be thinking straight

I'm all for swapping numbers when possible - makes it easier for both sides to be in touch if needed. At least OPs DS has passed her number on. It's not about control, it's about consideration and common sense.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 22/06/2021 11:00

@RealhousewifeofStoke

absolutely with you

basic safety protocol = suffocated teenagers🤣
only on MN

itsamegladon · 22/06/2021 11:01

@RealhousewifeofStoke It's the scout leader in me

Clymene · 22/06/2021 11:10

Sorry misread. His friends have your number.

If I were hosting, I'd want parents' numbers. But I wouldn't mind if the parents didn't ask for mine.

Are you dropping him off/collecting him in the morning? I suppose that's what I have in my head.

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 22/06/2021 11:11

My phone has an SOS function that works without unlocking the phone.

TheTuesdayPringle · 22/06/2021 11:11

@princesslarmadrama

It's a tricky one. My parents never checked where I slept at that age but I would want to know where my children are. Could you compromise and ask your son to turn on tracking on his phone at all times and give you the address of where he is staying?
It isn't tricky at all. Either the parents have each others' numbers or he doesn't go.
longcoffeebreak · 22/06/2021 11:12

I ask for my son who is 16. I want to know he is safe and he is still a CHILD.

BiBabbles · 22/06/2021 11:19

It's not unreasonable to want it and to check if your child's phone has a feature that allows even when locked for people to make calls to some contacts to help ease your concerns about that or putting a In Case of Emergency app on his phone with multiple emergency contacts that are available when locked. It's what I have for mine. You may be able to use this thread to show lots of parents still do ask for it, though not sure it'll do much good.

I would take the measures above, but wouldn't go as far as others and not allow it without it with my Y11 DS. I also wouldn't take just having the parent's number as a sign the parent is going to be around - the friend is likely a better bet there than the parent, but that may just be my own teenage years talking there -- with them in mind, I also don't prevent my child having a friend over just because I don't have a parent's contact details or haven't been able to text them as it seems others do. If my high school friends' parents had applied that to me, I would have been further isolated as I couldn't get in touch with my parents most of the time, let alone anyone else - I could go weeks at your DS's age with no parental contact. I don't think it's entirely comparable to professional places, and I'll risk the slight chance there might be an emergency I need to handle over the risk of isolating a child out based on their parents.

khakiandcoral · 22/06/2021 11:23

@YesDisney

I wouldn’t have a clue who my 16yos friends parents even are let alone their phone numbers. Blush
you'd leave your 16 year old spend the night somewhere you don't know with people you know nothing about? Really?

Boy or girl, it's shocking.

Even as a middle-aged mother, if I am staying at my parents during the holidays and go for a night or 2 with friends, I tell my parents where I am! It's basic manners if nothing else.

theemmadilemma · 22/06/2021 11:24

@beigebrownblue

That 'no questions asked' pick up is such a great idea. It just gives them a reliable out whatever the situation.

HarrietHairbrush · 22/06/2021 11:24

@Evidencebased

The following might be true for a minority of teens, but nevertheless, it's real. Happened lots of times when I was a teen, happens still. Teen A says 'Sleepover at teen B's', Teen B says ' Sleepover at teen A's'. Parents say OK. Both teens go somewhere their parents would have said no to. eg overnight party with no parental supervision, gig in the big city, rave, night away with older, married 'boyfriend'. I grew up in a quiet 'naice' rural area, and literally all of those things were done by friends.

There's a line where your DC are responsible for their own lives. Probably different precise age, depends on the DC.
Below that line, act like a responsible parent. Get the number, check what's going on.

This right here.
khakiandcoral · 22/06/2021 11:25

@JaniieJones

'Below that line, act like a responsible parent. Get the number, check what's going on.'

Oh yes of course if you have a deceitful dc who has form for breaking trust which surely by 15 you'd know all about them yes, helicopter parenting will still be required.

You have to laugh at lazy parents who accuse others a bit more involved to "helicopter' parent. Whatever makes them feel better I guess.
gabsdot · 22/06/2021 11:28

I would want to meet the parents and speak to them before allowing my child to sleep over, even if he is 15.

justmaybenot · 22/06/2021 11:28

YANBU at all. How is it suffocating to be able to contact him? Pre mobile phone if I was going away (i.e. in my 20s) I'd always give my parents the phone number of where I was.

Providora · 22/06/2021 11:36

Nearly 16yo here, usually I know the parents as he's done so many sports and hobbies over the years. If not either I get the address by dropping him off, or if he's making his own way there I'll ask for the parent's number and confirm it's ok by text.

The little shit did the old mutual sleepover alibi thing with a friend to go to an all night party early in the year, and he won't get away with it again!

CallMeNutribullet · 22/06/2021 11:41

YANBU. Yes teenagers need a bit of independence but I also know what I was like at that age.

At 15 me and my friends were saying we were staying with each other and staying out all night. We weren't equipped with the kind of danger that brings.

JustDanceAddict · 22/06/2021 11:43

Think it’s fine his friends having your number.
You don’t need parent numbers.

Tangled22 · 22/06/2021 11:46

@gabsdot

I would want to meet the parents and speak to them before allowing my child to sleep over, even if he is 15.
Lots of different perspectives here. For example, this one (quoted) seems so incredibly overbearing to me.

At 15, I think asking for the mothers phone number is a bit embarrassing and unnecessary. Having his mates phone numbers is a good idea, and ultimately would probably be more useful anyway. The mum might be doing her own thing, she’s not going to be popping her head round the door to supervise 15 year olds, presumably.

After about 14/15 this need for parent-on-parent contact about your child’s social life ceases, it’s part of trusting your teen and allowing them to become independent. It’s good to cultivate a good relationship with their mates, though, so you know that you can always reach out to them in an emergency.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 22/06/2021 11:47

Incidentally, I'm just as conscientious the other way round. If a teenager's staying over, I tend to say, "Can you get a text from your mum or dad, so that I know they know you're here. Or, if you like, I'll just text and tell them it's fine for you to stay over."

Again, none of my kids' friends have objected to that.l

Blankscreen · 22/06/2021 11:50

DSS is 17 and we insist on knowing where he is going an address and usually drop him off.

Our explanation is that if something happens we need to know the last steps otherwise we wouldn't know where to start looking etc he accepts this.

We pretty much say yes to most things so he know that he is allowed to do stuff and doesn't need to lie.

He went to a party at the weekend and we booked a taxi to pick him up at 2am , so we needed the address.

MrsMiddleMother · 22/06/2021 11:50

YANBU! It's making sure you have an adult to contact if something happens or goes wrong, it works both ways if something happens at home and you need to reach him but can't on his phone.
Frankly I'm disgusted at the parents not giving a shit, especially at 13! Not knowing who's house she's in is completely irresponsible.

PerditaCambellBlack · 22/06/2021 11:54

YANBU