To want parent’s phone number for teen sleepover

[Bagamoyo1]

DS is 15. Year 11 so he’s finished school till September.
He’s going to a friends tonight to watch the football, and a couple of them (DS included) are sleeping over.
I’ve asked him to get friend’s mum’s phone number, and to give her mine, in case of emergencies. Obviously he has his own phone, but if anything happened to him, no one else would be able to access his contacts as they wouldn’t know his PIN.
He says I’m being dramatic and ridiculous, and no one exchanges parent numbers now they’re all 15/16.
I admit I’m quite anxious about this sort of thing. My brother killed himself age 20, so whilst I’m not for a moment thinking that would happen, it has conditioned me to think that bad things will happen to people I love. I give my kids plenty of freedom but I like to know I can be contacted.
AIBU?

Currently we’ve compromised - he’s sent his friends my number - so that’s better thank nothing. I must add that at his age I was out and about a lot, pre mobile phones, so I’m aware of the double standard!

@workwoes123

YABU. I would and have let my 13 yr old go on a sleepover without knowing or contacting the parents

But I’m in France where it’s normal to drop and run at parties for 4 yr old and up.

That doesn't mean op is unreasonable 😂

I would never have made my mother worry like this. I was a brat, but I'd have given here the number! And of all the things to be embarrassed about with your friends, getting their parents' number would have been super low on my list. I'd have got the number and cracked on with a fun night. The only reason this would have bothered me would have been if my mum was insisting on speaking to the other mum (cringe), or if we weren't actually doing what I'd said we were...

I am a very relaxed mother and I was when my son was 15 didn't worry about him staying over a friends until I found out a group of them were actually telling each other's parents they were staying over but in fact all staying out camping, drinking, girls, you can imagine, not good as they are not responsible adults, just get a number just for peace of mind that you know they are safe and where you think they are.

@workwoes123

YABU. I would and have let my 13 yr old go on a sleepover without knowing or contacting the parents

But I’m in France where it’s normal to drop and run at parties for 4 yr old and up.

ahem.. it really is not

'I am a very relaxed mother and I was when my son was 15 didn't worry about him staying over a friends until I found out a group of them were actually telling each other's parents they were staying over but in fact all staying out camping, drinking, girls, you can imagine'

Yes without a doubt if you have deceitful kids you need the other parent's contact details but by 15 we all tend to know if we can trust our dc to be where they say they are.

Different with younger teens but by 15 and older you need to loosen the apron strings a bit for a sleepover.

@Bagamoyo1

Well in the end he gave me the Mum’s number without me asking. His girlfriend has been here this afternoon and I think she must have told him to give it to me! So we’ve exchanged texts. Now he’s asking if he can drink some cider while he’s there. I want to go back to the old days when they were asleep by 7pm after a bedtime story!

He is asking you do he can drink cider?!?

You have a very tame dc @Bagamoyo1

@JaniieJones not always I did trust my son before that happened.

I know we have phone trackers and so on nowadays, but did no one else try the old trick of telling their parents they were staying over at Sophie’s house? Or staying at Sophie’s house but not disclosing the fact that Sophie’s parents were in Italy for two weeks, and that Sophie’s older brother and his friends were in charge and would be buying us alcohol?

Not only that but I think it’s basic courtesy to get in touch with a parent who’s hosted your teenager to thank them.

Yes without a doubt if you have deceitful kids you need the other parent's contact details but by 15 we all tend to know if we can trust our dc to be where they say they are.

My parents thought they could trust me, that’s exactly how I got away with it 🤣

Reasonable given the anxiety you face, but not otherwise.

YANBU. I'm so sorry about your brother. Of course that's going to make you even more protective. It'd be odd if you weren't.
You can't win on here and IRL. If you want to know where your kids are.
Who they're with. Who their friends and their parents are you're smothering them. If you don't ask anything you're not interested.

@RedHelenB

Yabu at that age. Mumsnet is really weird over situations lije this, I really feel for the suffocated kids on here!

Suffocated kids / irresponsible parents

Perspective is everything.

YANBU. Doesn't matter if he's nearly 16, he's a child and you have every right to know where he is and how to get in contact if you need to & vice versa.

Maybe the split in responses can be put down to:-
Those of us who had an 'exciting' teen life
And the good two shoes?

I never lied to my parents about where and who I was with but I did do some fairly wide things, there were dodge adults, drinking, sex, drugs, tattoo's and piercings.

But I knew that my parents would and did pick me up whenever I needed and they knew who and where I was.

I really do believe that parents need some basic safeguarding training.

I'd expect to know the address of the place he's sleeping over , and that there is a parent present.

I would want them to have a contact number for me purely because I don't like the idea of another parent needing to contact me in an emergency and worrying because they don't know how.

I would also expect to have a contact number for the parent of any child sleeping over at mine for the same reason.

Not because I don't trust my children, or their friends, or think they might be lying. Just because as a responsible adult you should make sure you have the tools to deal with any situation that happens.

YANBU he’s still a child. I would ask for the location of the house rather than the parents number though. He can send you his love location when he gets there so you know where he is.

That should say live location

Suffocated kids / irresponsible parents

Perspective is everything.

indeed.

Do not ask your ds.
Drop him off, and ask the parent. I have said I’m popping to next town, can I call you i will running late to collect. YANBU to want to know where you son is and with who. Listen to none who tells you otherwise. He is 15 not 20.

"When ds was 17 he became friendly with a girl in his class (she had just joined his school). He asked if she could come over and stay the night to watch films. I was fine with that. Told him to give her my number so that she could give it to her mother. She arrived at our house. Told me that her mother had no interest in where she was, who she was with or what she was doing so she didn't bother giving her my number. They maintained their friendship for the remainder of their school years. The day they finished school she gave me a huge hug and said she wished her mum cared about her the way that I did. When I see posts like some here advising people not to bother about where their children are, I think of her."

This. You're showing you care.

When my youngest DD was 13, she had a sleepover and invited six girls from her class. I knew some of the girls well and some only had seen at pickup time. I phoned every parent and left info about when and where and contact info. Waited at school gates and picked up the girls, and my two DDs. Had a nice night (awake all night) and waited after breakfast for parents to come pick up. Everyone was picked up except Dianna. I said "Dianna do you need to call your parents? Maybe they overslept?"

My daughter said, Mom this isn't Dianna. This is Melissa. Dianna couldn't come cause she was sick so Melissa came. She is new in the class!"
Melissa was SO NEW to the school that she did not know her phone number or her address. But her mother had allowed her to go home with a stranger for a sleepover and had no way to contact her own daughter. (This was before cellphones.) It turns out in Melissa's old town that sleepovers were all weekend. She stayed all day Saturday and Sunday and I took her to school with my daughters on Monday morning! On Tuesday she handed me a note from her mom thanking me for washing and ironing her uniform over the weekend!
POINT of the story: Yes, you should be able to contact someone he is with for the weekend. YANBU

@chillichoclove

"When ds was 17 he became friendly with a girl in his class (she had just joined his school). He asked if she could come over and stay the night to watch films. I was fine with that. Told him to give her my number so that she could give it to her mother. She arrived at our house. Told me that her mother had no interest in where she was, who she was with or what she was doing so she didn't bother giving her my number. They maintained their friendship for the remainder of their school years. The day they finished school she gave me a huge hug and said she wished her mum cared about her the way that I did. When I see posts like some here advising people not to bother about where their children are, I think of her."

This. You're showing you care.

Both of you (and several other posters) seem to have missed the point that nobody has said they don’t know or care where their teenagers are. They have just said they don’t ask for a parental phone number, which with the ubiquity of mobiles seems reasonable for older teens. Everyone who is shocked seems to equate no phone number with no knowledge of location. It’s odd.

My dd is now 20 but this

Dc is mid teen and I need address, phone numbers and I meet the parents otherwise their plans aren’t happening.

Was the way I did it.

If I didn't know the parents, where she'd be and have parents numbers and they mine it didn't happen.

This is not excessive or over protective it's sensible

Someone on here explained they operated a 'no questions asked pick up policy'. basically what it says on the tin, they can phone if they get in a pickle or feel uncomfortable somewhere and I will not tell them off, just turn up. I've explained this to my teen and she liked it.

Yep had that too. Explained I might not react brilliant initially but I'd far rather she called me if she were in a situation that concerned her than worry about me "givin her into trouble" not call and get in a worse situation. We even had a seemingly benign "code message" she could send if someone was watching what she sent me, this came about after a friend of hers found herself in a tricky situation with a controlling boyfriend and it was difficult for her to get help.

And always tell them if they are in a group to stick together and not seperate even if they have an falling out (which happens).

Yep - dd herself has that rule for nights out with friends even now, with some modifications.

you're going to make him look stupid in front of his mates.

Far far less important than a child's safety and well being

but if he is generally sensible then I do think YABU

However sensible he is there can be accidents, illness... stuff happens and the parents need to be contactable.

I'm no longer shocked at the apathy of some parents as a result of having been a nurse and dealing with teens who've had accidents, illness, drink and drug related issues and we had difficulties finding out who the parents were and contacting them. It meant involving the police when it wasn't strictly necessary to track them down. Basic good emergency planning.

Also phones get lost, stolen, broken (especially with teens)... so you can't rely on info on the phone either

when DH travels he gives me details of where he's staying (both hotel and day time office number) in case of an emergency. he is 47.

Exactly!

and that I can reach them if we are the ones having the emergency.

Another good point

The following might be true for a minority of teens, but nevertheless, it's real. Happened lots of times when I was a teen, happens still.
Teen A says 'Sleepover at teen B's', Teen B says ' Sleepover at teen A's'.
Parents say OK.
Both teens go somewhere their parents would have said no to.

Yep - an old trick used even by "good" kids

Teens test boundaries and don't necessarily have a good handle on what's safe

It's the scout leader in me

Haha yep I've done youth, scout and guide leading too. The most organised and prepared events can still end up in you dealing with an emergency -

Off the top of my head

A child getting stung by a bee for the first time in their life and it turned out they were allergic

Numerous twisted ankles and wrists, trapped fingers, bumped noses etc (mainly due to being overexcited and not paying attention to what they were told and to what they were doing)

Slip and falls

Developing a childhood illness while away - mumps, glandular fever, chicken pox etc

First period while away and not responding well as parents hadn't prepared them

Developing things like appendicitis while away (on one occasion it was another leader this happened to)

Any number of things can happen that aren't the result of poor planning or badly behaved kids...just life getting in the way.

It's just sensible that if anything like this happens you're able to quickly and easily contact parents.

I could go weeks at your DS's age with no parental contact.

You don't think this may be skewing your viewpoint on this?

His mates having ops number doesn't necessarily mean they would call the op in certain situations. Children (these are still children let's not forget) can be more worried about getting into trouble than getting a friend the help they need - very common when drugs or drink is involved - as I say I've dealt with these situations as has my brother as a police officer. He's 2 sons of his own and he also insists on knowing the parents info and they having his. He too has dealt with numerous cases of alcohol poisoning, drug ods or even "just" bad reactions where the "friends" either scarpered to protect their own arses or at the very least tried to cover things up with parents. Such actions can prove fatal.

13 is WAY too young to take such a lax attitude. I'm hoping that post is disingenuous.

I find it so weird how many people won't let their children go on sleepovers as small children in case of predators, but apparently don't need to know where their fifteen year old is.

Yep

Generally speaking teens are far more likely to get into some strife

Boy that age I wouldn't bother, girl definitely

Genuine question - why?

Interesting how those of us on thread with experience of looking after other people's teens (teachers, scout leaders etc) are the more cautious ones! I wonder why! Could it be because we KNOW the kind of thing teens can get up to and how they are likely to react in a crisis?

but by 15 we all tend to know if we can trust our dc to be where they say they are.

Those of us with experience of caring for others teens also have a fair amount of experience of naive parents too. The number of parents I've met, talked to, known fairly well who are utterly clueless about what their little darling are like when they're not around is quite something.

This is an age where children push boundaries, experiment, are very vulnerable to peer pressure etc however "good" they are and however they've been raised.

To be honest I even see it among my own circle.

The parents who had little supervision, chaotic home lives and were on the wild side themselves or had siblings who were tend to be more cautious, the ones who were "good" children and had stable, healthy home lives are less cautious...but can also be naive and unaware how society has changed in regard to what teens can access, come into contact with now. More than a few of the less cautious parents have come unstuck as a result.

I really do believe that parents need some basic safeguarding training.

I agree

I Used to have to give me parents chapter verse and the inns and outs of ducks arse or I didn’t get out. End of story. End of argument