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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want parent’s phone number for teen sleepover

170 replies

Bagamoyo1 · 22/06/2021 08:23

DS is 15. Year 11 so he’s finished school till September.
He’s going to a friends tonight to watch the football, and a couple of them (DS included) are sleeping over.
I’ve asked him to get friend’s mum’s phone number, and to give her mine, in case of emergencies. Obviously he has his own phone, but if anything happened to him, no one else would be able to access his contacts as they wouldn’t know his PIN.
He says I’m being dramatic and ridiculous, and no one exchanges parent numbers now they’re all 15/16.
I admit I’m quite anxious about this sort of thing. My brother killed himself age 20, so whilst I’m not for a moment thinking that would happen, it has conditioned me to think that bad things will happen to people I love. I give my kids plenty of freedom but I like to know I can be contacted.
AIBU?

Currently we’ve compromised - he’s sent his friends my number - so that’s better thank nothing. I must add that at his age I was out and about a lot, pre mobile phones, so I’m aware of the double standard!

OP posts:
SirenSays · 22/06/2021 09:42

I was living alone by year 11, i can't imagine insisting on this.
Are you sure it would even be the correct number? My friend was "my dad" every time school called. And I've played someone's mum more times than I can count.

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 22/06/2021 09:43

underneaththeash

Erm, yes I do thank you and I always know exactly where he is and stay in touch with him. I just don’t need to have the numbers of his friends’ parents and can trust him to make his own arrangements.

He actually doesn’t go anywhere overnight but he could if he wanted to and there’s no way I’d insist on having a number for parents.

AuntieStella · 22/06/2021 09:44

I wanted to know the landline of where my DC were sleeping or a parental mobile. As mostly it was with schoolmates, I had them anyhow from the PTA patients directory.

My DC would always tell me without complaint, and caginess would always lead me to suspect that the description of what they would be doing is incomplete.

My DC understand it's so I know where they are, and that I can reach them if we are the ones having the emergency. I told them that family and good friends watch out for each other, and this is a normal part of having their back.

But - your having the landline/parents mobile number does not answer your concern that no-one would know how to reach you.

What he has done is much more sensible in meeting your concerns, as your number is now known to the others. The other thing to do is have him set up ICE on his phone so that even if locked a call can be made to the one designated emergency number.

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 22/06/2021 09:44

Why are people equating not having the parents’ number to not knowing where your child is? If you can’t trust your dc to tell the truth, that’s a different issue and you have bigger problems than a phone number.

Moorelewis · 22/06/2021 09:53

YABU he is nearly 16.

TheTuesdayPringle · 22/06/2021 10:03

@WalkingOnTheCracks

At least until mid-teens, I always went for 'get the mum or dad to text me, so I know they're happy to have you there'....

None of my kids thought that was unreasonable.

Yes I agree.
megletthesecond · 22/06/2021 10:10

Yanbu.

AuntMargo · 22/06/2021 10:14

Cannot believe some of you have no idea or care where your kids are shocking !

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 22/06/2021 10:18

Where did you read that, auntmargo?! You must be reading a different thread from me 🙄

GreyhoundG1rl · 22/06/2021 10:21

Yanbu. I have words for the poster who'd happily let her 13 year old go God knows where without a contact number 🙄

Clymene · 22/06/2021 10:28

Where does it say she doesn't know where he's going to be? It doesn't Hmm

She knows where he'll be and who he's with. She just doesn't have the mum's phone number. She's got her son's phone number and his mum has her number and presumably his friend also knows where he lives.

Insisting on meeting the parents for a very nearly 16 year old is totally OTT

Original poster
Bagamoyo1 · 22/06/2021 10:30

I know where he’ll be, and I’ll be dropping him off there, but I know he won’t let me get out of the car and go to the door with him!
They’ll be in all evening watching the football, then they’ll play Xbox after that.
My worry is that if he were to become ill or unconscious (I know, I know, there’s no reason why he would, but that’s my worry) , the friend’s mum wouldn’t know how to contact me. He’s flatly refusing to ask for her number though, says it’ll be too embarrassing to ask his friend. He has sent the friends my number though - bizarrely that is less embarrassing!

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 22/06/2021 10:31

People do know where their kids are. Having a friends parents number doesn't make any difference. I have never had a parent ask for my number past the age of about 12. It is fairly easy to find anyone if you need to contact them anyway. Snapchat maps gives a reasonably good idea as to where they are, insta and Facebook can be used to trace friends. And whilst no parent I know asks for numbers all parents I know have a couple of their dcs friends on their SM

titchy · 22/06/2021 10:32

You know the address (presumably - I was pretty lax but always knew the address of where they stayed) and the friend has your number. Get the friends number as well and you're good to go.

Tbh if you're happy that he's there for the evening without you having the parent's number I'm not sure what difference it makes if he's staying over.

Original poster
Bagamoyo1 · 22/06/2021 10:32

@Clymene

Where does it say she doesn't know where he's going to be? It doesn't Hmm

She knows where he'll be and who he's with. She just doesn't have the mum's phone number. She's got her son's phone number and his mum has her number and presumably his friend also knows where he lives.

Insisting on meeting the parents for a very nearly 16 year old is totally OTT

The friend’s mum and I don’t have each other’s numbers. That’s what I wanted.
OP posts:
princesslarmadrama · 22/06/2021 10:34

It's a tricky one. My parents never checked where I slept at that age but I would want to know where my children are. Could you compromise and ask your son to turn on tracking on his phone at all times and give you the address of where he is staying?

Soontobe60 · 22/06/2021 10:34

It doesn’t matter if anyone on here would do different. You have asked him for the parents number, he needs to give it to you or he doesn’t go.

OnTheBoardwalk · 22/06/2021 10:37

Ah sleepovers I remember them well (well I didn’t actually)

Many a sleepover at Kath's which involved getting drunk in a park and staggering back to her house early hours. As we got older we used to sleepover at Kath's and go underage clubbing

My mum liked Kath’s mum thought she was lovely. She didn’t know she wasn't there most nights

As long as your son and now his friend who has your number now know they can call you if there are any issues then I reckon he'll be fine

RealhousewifeofStoke · 22/06/2021 10:38

@RedHelenB

Yabu at that age. Mumsnet is really weird over situations lije this, I really feel for the suffocated kids on here!
Mumsnet is really weird. I feel sorry for all the kids whose parents don’t give a shit.
itsamegladon · 22/06/2021 10:40

If I was responsible for a host of teens I'd want a contact number for their parents.

What if something happened and you had to call an ambulance?

I've had kids knock themselves out falling over and a fatal stabbing occurred at a teen party down the road in a very very naice area. My youngest had an allergic reaction at a house party once and needed them to call for me to come.

Personally it isn't about trust it's basic safety protocols.
Schools and clubs all have to have parents info for emergencies.

RealhousewifeofStoke · 22/06/2021 10:45

‘Insisting on meeting the parents for a very nearly 16 year old is totally OTT’

Except she doesn’t want to do that.

RealhousewifeofStoke · 22/06/2021 10:46

If I was responsible for a host of teens I'd want a contact number for their parents.’

Hey dude. Chill out. This is MN . Home of the cool wives and cool mums Wink

bigbaggyeyes · 22/06/2021 10:50

I ask exactly the same thing if you dd goes to a friends house

Original poster
Bagamoyo1 · 22/06/2021 10:51

@itsamegladon

If I was responsible for a host of teens I'd want a contact number for their parents.

What if something happened and you had to call an ambulance?

I've had kids knock themselves out falling over and a fatal stabbing occurred at a teen party down the road in a very very naice area. My youngest had an allergic reaction at a house party once and needed them to call for me to come.

Personally it isn't about trust it's basic safety protocols.
Schools and clubs all have to have parents info for emergencies.

This is exactly what I say.
OP posts:
Redwinestillfine · 22/06/2021 10:52

Are you sure he is staying with that friend? I would be suspicious....