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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want parent’s phone number for teen sleepover

170 replies

Bagamoyo1 · 22/06/2021 08:23

DS is 15. Year 11 so he’s finished school till September.
He’s going to a friends tonight to watch the football, and a couple of them (DS included) are sleeping over.
I’ve asked him to get friend’s mum’s phone number, and to give her mine, in case of emergencies. Obviously he has his own phone, but if anything happened to him, no one else would be able to access his contacts as they wouldn’t know his PIN.
He says I’m being dramatic and ridiculous, and no one exchanges parent numbers now they’re all 15/16.
I admit I’m quite anxious about this sort of thing. My brother killed himself age 20, so whilst I’m not for a moment thinking that would happen, it has conditioned me to think that bad things will happen to people I love. I give my kids plenty of freedom but I like to know I can be contacted.
AIBU?

Currently we’ve compromised - he’s sent his friends my number - so that’s better thank nothing. I must add that at his age I was out and about a lot, pre mobile phones, so I’m aware of the double standard!

OP posts:

Funfortheroad · 22/06/2021 11:58

You are being a good parent.

And tbh I want to know where anyone in my household is. If DH goes to a friend’s he will tell me the address.

chasingmytail4 · 22/06/2021 12:00

@WalkingOnTheCracks

Incidentally, I'm just as conscientious the other way round. If a teenager's staying over, I tend to say, "Can you get a text from your mum or dad, so that I know they know you're here. Or, if you like, I'll just text and tell them it's fine for you to stay over."

Again, none of my kids' friends have objected to that.l

This is just what I would do. I've done this with all four of mine, only one is still a teenager. I think I'm a fairly easygoing parent, but they all know this is one of my non-negotiables, I confirm arrangements with other parent or they don't go. My older children are all fully functioning independent adults so I don't think this rule did them any harm.

Blufandango · 22/06/2021 12:05

I think that you are just being sensible. Of course you need an emergency contact. If I go away with adults I make sure we all have contact details for partners etc just in case someone is ill (or gets arrested!) We either swap them or stick them on an email to look at just in an emergency. It could be my inner Brownie leader but the idea of someone collapsing and me not being able to tell their next of kin stresses me out.

Original poster

Bagamoyo1 · 22/06/2021 12:06

Mixed responses!
I'm 99.999% certain he's going to be doing what he says he's doing. I know he'll want to watch the football, and I'll be dropping him at his friend's house, so I'll see him go in. I know both the friends, and they're both quite quiet and sensible. I'm not worried he's going to be up to no good.
I just don't like the thought of him being somewhere overnight where the adult in charge has no way of contacting me in an emergency. But I asked him once, he said it would be embarrassing, and has compromised by giving his friends my number. So now, as is so often the case with teens, I have to decide how far to go with this fight...

OP posts:

BigSandyBalls2015 · 22/06/2021 12:07

Not at that age, he’s left school!! He has a phone, he can get hold of you and vice verse. Seems crazy to me to need parents details.

As for a 17 year old having to give addresses and parents booking taxis

BigSandyBalls2015 · 22/06/2021 12:08

At 17 one of mine was backpacking around Europe for the summer ..... should I have asked for every hostel address and phone number?

khakiandcoral · 22/06/2021 12:11

@BigSandyBalls2015

At 17 one of mine was backpacking around Europe for the summer ..... should I have asked for every hostel address and phone number?

just because you are pretty lax with your children doesn't mean everyone has to be the same.

Zari29 · 22/06/2021 12:13

YABU, he is way too old, sorry.
I wouldn’t ask for my 13yo.

You are trying to be a cool mum but you are just an irresponsible parent. You seriously won't care where your 13yo child is? That's poor parenting.
Yanbu op. He is still a child.

Ellpellwood · 22/06/2021 12:17

@BigSandyBalls2015

At 17 one of mine was backpacking around Europe for the summer ..... should I have asked for every hostel address and phone number?

No no, this is Mumsnet. You should have said no until he was at least 25.

khakiandcoral · 22/06/2021 12:23

I do love MN. On one thread the "cool parents" are happy to wave goodbye to their 13 yo spending the night.. somewhere with unknown company, on a previous thread no one would allow a 14 yo to babysit or go to London for the day.

RedHelenB · 22/06/2021 12:26

@Bagamoyo1

Mixed responses! I'm 99.999% certain he's going to be doing what he says he's doing. I know he'll want to watch the football, and I'll be dropping him at his friend's house, so I'll see him go in. I know both the friends, and they're both quite quiet and sensible. I'm not worried he's going to be up to no good. I just don't like the thought of him being somewhere overnight where the adult in charge has no way of contacting me in an emergency. But I asked him once, he said it would be embarrassing, and has compromised by giving his friends my number. So now, as is so often the case with teens, I have to decide how far to go with this fight...

Leave it. You know where he'll be and who with.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 22/06/2021 12:27

@khakiandcoral how is it lax to allow a 17 year old to go backpacking!! It’s completely normal 🤣

Bluntness100 · 22/06/2021 12:29

I think as long as the friends have hour number it’s ok. My daughter did have an issue one night at that age and her friends called me.

khakiandcoral · 22/06/2021 12:31

[quote BigSandyBalls2015]@khakiandcoral how is it lax to allow a 17 year old to go backpacking!! It’s completely normal 🤣[/quote]
When many places ask for ID and don't accept under 18 (unaccompanied under 18 that is), it's not that "normal". On a practical level it would be a pain in the arse for the under aged.

Cliff1975 · 22/06/2021 12:34

My son is 15, he had some friends here for a BBQ and then they asked if they could stay over. A couple of them I know the mums so I messaged them. Those where i didnt know them i made them text their mioms and they all showed me their response. No text, no stay. It was all very light hearted and they were all happy. I wouldnt let my 15 year old stay somewhere without knowing where he was and that the parents knew- I would nt necessarily speak with them myself.

KeepingTrack · 22/06/2021 12:39

You would find me extremely laid back @Bagamoyo1

I’m expecting to know where my just turned 16yo and my nearly 18yo are. As in address of the place.
After that, Im expecting them to contact me if need be. That’s it.
I’ve done that too when they have been away for a few days (with added obligatory daily text to be sure they were still alive).

KeepingTrack · 22/06/2021 12:41

@khakiandcoral both of my dcs have gone away like this. Youngest was 16yo.
It has never been an issue (YHA etc…)

LittleGwyneth · 22/06/2021 12:44

Address and phone number seems incredibly reasonable. I find it so weird how many people won't let their children go on sleepovers as small children in case of predators, but apparently don't need to know where their fifteen year old is.

LittleGwyneth · 22/06/2021 12:46

@BigSandyBalls2015

At 17 one of mine was backpacking around Europe for the summer ..... should I have asked for every hostel address and phone number?

You didn't have a rough itinerary and phone number for your child when they were abroad aged 17?

Bbq1 · 22/06/2021 12:48

I know about half of ds's friends. personally, not the others. Ds is 15 and very sensible and keeps his phone on when staying over. If I don't know the friend, I just get ds to tell me their address in case their is an emergency and so I know where he is staying the night. It Would be embarrassing and is unnecessary to ask for the parents number at that age.

TotorosCatBus · 22/06/2021 12:50

Are you saved as his ICE contact? (Ice= In Case of Emergency)
My kids have me saved as their ICE contact so emergency services could see my details without a pin/Face ID.

TotorosCatBus · 22/06/2021 12:52

I drop off so know whose house but I don't ask for parental details. In an emergency I would go to the house or contact their friends via social media

Horehound · 22/06/2021 12:53

I think I would want it and his reaction would confirm it even more!

JellyTumble · 22/06/2021 12:55

Obviously he has his own phone, but if anything happened to him, no one else would be able to access his contacts as they wouldn’t know his PIN.

Does he have an iPhone? Because in a medical emergency anyone can access your emergency contacts and medical conditions you input from your front screen. You don’t need to have their pin.

I don’t know if there’s something similar for Android but worth looking into.

Horehound · 22/06/2021 12:55

@BigSandyBalls2015

At 17 one of mine was backpacking around Europe for the summer ..... should I have asked for every hostel address and phone number?

Yeh tbh I think you should have!

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