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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Want nothing to do with my auntie

147 replies

hurryupmummy · 22/06/2021 05:54

This is going to be long 😬

So starting mid 2015

We needed ivf. Our first cycle our embryo split into triplets and I lost all three babies. Then I fell pregnant naturally and I lost that baby. Both times needed a D&C.

Mid 2016

Another cycle I had ohss and my left side of my body was shutting down at a rapid speed due to my left ovary twisting so I was hours from death. My cycle was cancelled and we were devastated. Then my next cycle was successful and also my cousin fell pregnant 6 week after.

The differences between us:

My cousin - shouted it from the rooftops that they conceived the first month, her OH actually made a comment to my hubby about him being 'ill' ffs. They told everyone the day they got their positive test. Found out gender, announced her name and planned a baby shower. Funnily enough mid week on my due date. I will never believe that to be a coincidence. Naivety - yeah probably

Myself - quite happy to plod along without telling anyone which caused huge rifts and arguments with my mum. So much so that she was crossed off my birth plan in red marker and I showed her. I didn't find out gender to prevent me from bonding. To me having a baby and being pregnant are two different things. Call me a skeptic and a twat but that's how I feel. I explained to my mum that there are people who go through a pregnancy and have a stillborn baby and how horrific that must be. My mum couldn't understand that. She blamed me for asking her not to tell people when her sister - my auntie was. Although I know damn right my mum was as people i didn't know were congratulating me

Anyway fast forward 2020 my cousin fall pregnant but miscarried.

A couple of us meet up - my cousin couldn't make it but my auntie is there and she lets it slip that XXXX is 6 weeks pregnant. Then says don't say I said anything though after what happened last time as it was awful, she went on and on and on, she tells the whole table how my cousin had to have a D&C and I said "so did I" and she looked me straight in the eye and said "yes but XXXX was worse, you've never seen anything like it" I tapped hubby's leg under the table stood up and he knew to follow me to the toilets. I cried and just said how can she just be so dismissive, invalidate anyone and everyone else?? It's horrendous for everyone who has experienced a pregnancy loss, it's not a fucking competition. Anyway we walked out, I went to the car. Hubby got the kids and made excuses. My auntie shouted to hubby ivf is different to miscarriage. No shit. My mum apparently explained that she didn't think it was that why we left. Hubby said if it wasn't a public place he would have ripped my auntie a new one

I now have 3 gorgeous children but have lost 4. Does that outweigh my loss yes and no. I'm fucking thankful everyday for my children and count my blessings and thank them for choosing to implant but also I do feel a sense of loss of the babies that were ours and they will alway be ours. The scan photos and pregnancy tests I still have as they are part of our marriage we believe.

I'm not going to rant and rave about it to family and friends. I will politely decline any invite we receive to a gathering at her house and if she is at a family party we will be hi and bye kind of thing. I don't want to invite her to any of our parties etc

AIBU?? I want to stress it's not the subject matter than upsets me. Obviously it's not the nicest thing to talk about but it doesn't reduce me to tears. I've held my friend sobbing from a miscarriage and no cried and told her she will be ok, time is a great healer. Its the fact my own auntie looked me in the eye and said that

Is it cruel or just something that anyone would say??

Thanks

OP posts:

TaraR2020 · 22/06/2021 05:58

No yanbu. I'm so sorry for your losses and suffering

Melitza · 22/06/2021 06:12

YANBU.
Sorry , you've been through a lot.
Your aunty is insensitive.

hopeishere · 22/06/2021 06:18

She sounds insensitive but it sounds kind you are holding a lot of pain and would maybe benefit from counselling.

Also saying your husband would "rip her a new one" is an awful thing to say.

Justilou1 · 22/06/2021 06:22

She is obviously unable to empathise. I’d be mad at your mother for minimising your feelings tbh. You WERE leaving because of what your auntie said. She was horrible!

Namechercanged · 22/06/2021 06:26

Your auntie is grieving too and was scared seeing her daughter going through a miscarriage. She wasn't as close to yours, so only has her daughters situation as a reference point. She was hugely insensitive but you do sound like you and dh over reacted. I bet your auntie didn't really think about what she was saying, instead she wanted to process what happened to her daughter.

There is a lot of pain coming from your writing and seeking help with that might be a better long term way to deal with this. The backstory re the sharing in pregnancy shows you judge her choices and that isn't kind.

miltonj · 22/06/2021 06:26

Urgh yeah she sounds awful. And her bad behaviour isn't just isolated to this particular subject matter. You'd do well to avoid her from now on.

It's perfectly fine to use phrases. The Ops husband was annoyed snd protective of his wife. I'm positive he wouldn't have actually assaulted her auntie fgs! It just means he didn't want to make a scene but if they weren't in public he would have confronted her.

PurpleyBlue · 22/06/2021 06:30

Terrible from your Auntie. YANBU

SheepGoBaaaa · 22/06/2021 06:55

Look, OP, I’m sorry you’ve had so many losses, but your post suggests you’re channeling the grief into negativity and anger towards other people — it’s not just no longer wanting anything to do with your aunt, it’s your anger at your cousin handling her pregnancy differently to you (finding out the sex of your baby has no relationship to your subsequent bonding, apart from anything else!) and her having a baby shower on your due date (when the chances of you giving birth that day were tiny), anger at your mother and crossing her name off your birth plan in red etc.

It sounds as if you might benefit from counselling to explore your trauma.

pasturesgreen · 22/06/2021 06:56

Your auntie sounds insensitive, but it's your mum I'd feel let down by. She should have had your own back and not minimised to keep the peace and say that wasn't the reason why you were leaving.

Original poster

hurryupmummy · 22/06/2021 06:59

Thankyou everyone

Ripping her a new one he would have lost it with her comment 'ivf is different to miscarriage' - really? I did not know that

The thing I would reply to is the grieving for her daughter comment and me and dh overreacting and her wanting to process it. But was that really the time?? Meeting up after a year or so in lockdown, shouldn't it have been a happy occasion not let's all be depressed?? Then I'll just dismiss and invalidate your feelings as you and your babies don't mean fuck all!?

OP posts:

Namechercanged · 22/06/2021 07:10

But was that really the time??

Possibly not.

I don't think she invalidated your feelings or said your babies mean fuck all. She was clumsily trying to process what happened to her daughter. There's a lot of projecting from you about the reasons behind her actions. It was a very insensitive comment, I agree. I hope she apologises.

I'd missed the bit about your mum minimising, that would annoy me more too.

Original poster

hurryupmummy · 22/06/2021 07:10

@SheepGoBaaaa

It sounds as if you might benefit from counselling to explore your trauma.

It was kind of thrown in my face though that my baby wouldn't be as special if I didn't find out the gender and the arguments me and mum had were horrendous. I mean really bad. At one point as was in such a state I couldn't even stand as the panic body couldn't take it any longer, dh was ready to ring an ambulance. I had seizures from stress, knocked myself out. I had no pregnancy glow just puffy eyes and a bruised face ffs

Very competitive it felt but like I say naivety probably. She also went around calling her bump son until she found out it was a girl and they both said it was the biggest disappointment ever WTF. How ungrateful can you be?? I had the first boy in our family for 53 years - which is what they wanted and they were gutted for us. How awful is that? Also when I was pregnant with my twins her OH said if they had twins they would abort one. When I called him up on it at a later date he said it was a joke. Now I've heard jokes but I didn't find that one funny. I told him to own it as he knew he said it and he's a prick for it. He just looked at me

OP posts:

Ukholidaysaregreat · 22/06/2021 07:11

I think your Auntie has behaved badly and seems to only be able to think of herself and her own stuff. I think your Mum could have been more supportive. Why did she want to go round telling everyone you were pregnant after all the difficulties you had? And she could have backed you up to your Auntie who was being an arse at the family meal. However I also think families can be like this and stay angry for a bit but then try to move past this as being angry about stuff isn't helpful. Enjoy the lovely family you have and take the elderly relatives with a pinch of salt.

Original poster

hurryupmummy · 22/06/2021 07:14

So is the polite nothing to do with her the way forward tbh she doesn't bring anything to my life, in the nicest way

OP posts:

fairyhouse · 22/06/2021 07:15

Totally get where you are coming from. I had a late miscarriage at 20 weeks and when I finally fell pregnant again I wouldn't allow myself to bond with my baby until he was here safe in my arms, and didn't announce it until we were past the 20 week scan. I has a few insensitive comments along the way, genuinely I think some people don't know how to deal with it, but the way your auntie has handled it is quite frankly bizarre. Yes she will be grieving but it doesn't give her the right to trample all over your feelings. I'd be having nothing more to do with her.

Sodamncaughtinthemiddle · 22/06/2021 07:15

You don't sound like you like any of them much which is fine as you can't pick family
I think you have a lot of hurt which you are projecting onto your Auntie
I think your Auntie was working through her sadness at her daughters miscarriage
I also think ripping someone a new one is revolting.

Original poster

hurryupmummy · 22/06/2021 07:19

Thankyou, I'm at ease having nothing to do with her. It doesn't bother me one bit. If my cousins are offended so be it. They can do one as well.

14 weeks is the magic milestone as well not the 12 week scan. I would have waited till 40 weeks with my son but I started showing at 16 and then with my twins I was showing quite obviously at 13 so had to really xx

OP posts:

IWantT0BreakFree · 22/06/2021 07:23

Obviously emotions are running very high as they always will around pregnancy loss. Many of us have been there and we all cope differently and are affected to different degrees. It sounds like you and your husband are understandably focused on your own pain, but so are your cousin and her mum. It was insensitive for your aunty to bring up your cousin's miscarriage knowing your history, but they are grieving too and obviously were focused on their own pain (as you were focused on yours). I understand that you felt your feelings were dismissed and invalidated, but perhaps your aunty felt the same on your cousin's behalf when you immediately switched the focus of the conversation to your own loss ("me too"). It was unkind of her to say that your cousin had a worse time because it's not a competition, but perhaps she was annoyed and slightly lashing out. I suppose that whilst it might have felt to you like an inappropriate occasion to discuss it, your aunty may have felt it was a comfort to finally have lots of people around after lockdown and if she's been very worried about her daughter, maybe it just came out when she felt she had some support. It's very possible that your cousin has had an extremely tough time both physically and emotionally and if her mum has been very involved then it's understandable that it would have affected her too somewhat.

As another PP said, it sounds like you are channelling your pain into a lot of anger towards other people (wanting to cut off your aunty, crossing your mum off the birth plan after an argument etc). It does seem like you would benefit from some professional support to try and process what has happened. Otherwise you run the risk of cutting all these people out (and probably more people down the line) and then realising that itsl hasn't made you feel any better, only now you're on your own.

blackcat86 · 22/06/2021 07:30

Sorry but why haven't you already distanced yourself from your overly dramatic family. You have been through a lot, it sounds like you have a strong marriage and 3 beautiful DC. Then you talk about crossing your mum off your birth plan in red and showing her - drama. Bad arguments where you're too panicked to stand whilst pregnant- drama. Your aunt goading you at the table- drama. You need to step out of this dynamic and see it the creation of drama and upset for what it is. When I experienced a birth trauma my therapist spoke about the circles of support- your family should have been supporting you, not creating drama and challenging basic choices because it didn't allow them to gain attention in the same way as your cousin. Have you considered moving far, far away from your family? It is not a normal dynamic and if you say you've had seizures from stress I'm surprised you haven't already addressed it given the stress and trauma you have experienced in your life. Your losses sound heart breaking but I wouldn't want any children of mine witnessing the dynamics in your wider family.

Original poster

hurryupmummy · 22/06/2021 07:40

Yeah I can accept on a level I am angry about the comments made about our infertility that my dh was "ill" - said in a pub whilst playing pool. And telling us it was their first time, they haven't experienced that so ok like I say naivety and they haven't been through it.

It wasn't one argument with my mum it was SEVERAL it took a lot to cross her off my birth plan I wanted her there from day 1. I didn't get a midwife until I was about 11 weeks as in my mind I was 'only a tiny bit pregnant'

Them being so happy, yeah I was jealous actually. I believed that I was going to have a dead baby. After all Lady Luck hadn't been there before and they were holding up designer baby grows and designing a nursery. My sons room didn't even have a ceiling, he had a Moses basket and a bundle of unisex second hand clothes as I didn't want to waste money.

I sound fucking awful. Of course they've never gone without. EVER. Stokke, bugaboo, all the brands I've envied everyone having and I'd dreamed of buying one day have next day delivery 😂😂😂

For her miscarriage I have total empathy but I don't have loss. It's horrendous no matter what. Why didn't I sit there and say I had to wait for a d&c and walk around like a grave with three dead babies inside me for 10 days?? Because I wouldn't, it wasn't the time

OP posts:

Original poster

hurryupmummy · 22/06/2021 07:47

@blackcat86

So so so interesting as I was taking to dh about how I would be with my daughters having babies if they chose or my son and how I would let them 'lead' their own pregnancies and I would support them when they need it and share it with them how they would want me to not thrown comments at me like "your different when your pregnant" and "everyone thinks your so nice when you stand talking and laughing" - to name two examples my mum said to me

OP posts:

JackieQueen · 22/06/2021 07:48

Yanbu! So pleased that you have your lovely family and a supportive husband after all you've been through.

aibubaby · 22/06/2021 07:59

You're clearly very hurt and they've been very insensitive with some of the comments - I'm sorry for your losses and the medical issues, and I agree it's probably not a bad idea to step back a bit.

But... if I'm honest, you sound as dramatic as the rest of them. Crossing out your mum's name in big red market and then showing her is drama queen central (why not just...tell her she's no longer your birth partner and then refuse to engage further with it?) and it's rude and inappropriate of you to comment on how your cousin handled her pregnancy - just as you didn't want them doing that to you.

user1493494961 · 22/06/2021 08:08

I'm sorry for what you went through but I doubt if you'll cut contact with Auntie as you seem to enjoy the drama.

BobMortimersPetOwl · 22/06/2021 08:12

Firstly I'm very sorry for your losses.

However you sound like you're desperately in need of some counselling as being so angry at your cousin for having a different pregnancy to you isn't healthy. You didn't need to say anything when your aunt mentioned your cousin's miscarriage, I don't understand why you tried to make that about you tbh. You all sound very dramatic.

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