Want nothing to do with my auntie

[hurryupmummy]

This is going to be long 😬

So starting mid 2015

We needed ivf. Our first cycle our embryo split into triplets and I lost all three babies. Then I fell pregnant naturally and I lost that baby. Both times needed a D&C.

Mid 2016

Another cycle I had ohss and my left side of my body was shutting down at a rapid speed due to my left ovary twisting so I was hours from death. My cycle was cancelled and we were devastated. Then my next cycle was successful and also my cousin fell pregnant 6 week after.

The differences between us:

My cousin - shouted it from the rooftops that they conceived the first month, her OH actually made a comment to my hubby about him being 'ill' ffs. They told everyone the day they got their positive test. Found out gender, announced her name and planned a baby shower. Funnily enough mid week on my due date. I will never believe that to be a coincidence. Naivety - yeah probably

Myself - quite happy to plod along without telling anyone which caused huge rifts and arguments with my mum. So much so that she was crossed off my birth plan in red marker and I showed her. I didn't find out gender to prevent me from bonding. To me having a baby and being pregnant are two different things. Call me a skeptic and a twat but that's how I feel. I explained to my mum that there are people who go through a pregnancy and have a stillborn baby and how horrific that must be. My mum couldn't understand that. She blamed me for asking her not to tell people when her sister - my auntie was. Although I know damn right my mum was as people i didn't know were congratulating me

Anyway fast forward 2020 my cousin fall pregnant but miscarried.

A couple of us meet up - my cousin couldn't make it but my auntie is there and she lets it slip that XXXX is 6 weeks pregnant. Then says don't say I said anything though after what happened last time as it was awful, she went on and on and on, she tells the whole table how my cousin had to have a D&C and I said "so did I" and she looked me straight in the eye and said "yes but XXXX was worse, you've never seen anything like it" I tapped hubby's leg under the table stood up and he knew to follow me to the toilets. I cried and just said how can she just be so dismissive, invalidate anyone and everyone else?? It's horrendous for everyone who has experienced a pregnancy loss, it's not a fucking competition. Anyway we walked out, I went to the car. Hubby got the kids and made excuses. My auntie shouted to hubby ivf is different to miscarriage. No shit. My mum apparently explained that she didn't think it was that why we left. Hubby said if it wasn't a public place he would have ripped my auntie a new one

I now have 3 gorgeous children but have lost 4. Does that outweigh my loss yes and no. I'm fucking thankful everyday for my children and count my blessings and thank them for choosing to implant but also I do feel a sense of loss of the babies that were ours and they will alway be ours. The scan photos and pregnancy tests I still have as they are part of our marriage we believe.

I'm not going to rant and rave about it to family and friends. I will politely decline any invite we receive to a gathering at her house and if she is at a family party we will be hi and bye kind of thing. I don't want to invite her to any of our parties etc

AIBU?? I want to stress it's not the subject matter than upsets me. Obviously it's not the nicest thing to talk about but it doesn't reduce me to tears. I've held my friend sobbing from a miscarriage and no cried and told her she will be ok, time is a great healer. Its the fact my own auntie looked me in the eye and said that

Is it cruel or just something that anyone would say??

Thanks

** Then your Aunt saying what had happened to your cousin & you had to chip in saying that you had had the same.

Why not just let her tell the story?**

^This. Why did you have to make it about you? Then you got all dramatic and upset.

YANBU. I'm so sorry. I would ignore completely. If not I suspect that you will have to hear such things again in future many, many times.

YANBU. Im NC with my Aunty (in fact that entire side of the family) but for very different reasons. We just dont aknowledge each other. Works well. Id suggest you do the same.

Re the "IVF isn't like a miscarriage" comment. There must be a level of preparing for loss before you start IVF. You don't do that when you don't have pregnancy issues. Each individual will then deal with things depending on a number of factors. That's what was probably meant. I say that as someone who had losses and secondary infertility. IVF wouldn't have been my choice.
It isn't for your husband to tell other women how they should feel about pregnancy loss.
She celebrated her pregnancy, that's her right. Her husband made the idiot comments, she's not responsible for them.
She isn't going to take on your mindset of gratitude around the sex of her babies, for her, baby making is easy.
As said you need to step away from the competitiveness.

Your whole family, you included, sounds weirdly toxic and competitive.

Even now some of the responses aren't what you hoped so you're desperately trying to paint your cousin in a bad light.

I think you've done the right thing for everyone by removing yourself from the situation and blocking your aunt. Something has to break this cycle of behaviour, it's really unhealthy.

You sound like you're determined to be different and special and what you're really mad at is them not seeing that.

I agree with this.

From the point of view of your cousin - she's a relative, not a friend you chose, and not even an immediate one like a sister. If you don't like her, sack her off. Same with your aunt.

OP, the more you post the worse you sound.

Your cousins comments about being gutted they didn't have a boy clearly show that's what they wanted

The fact that you've mentioned twice on here already that you've had the 'first boy in the family for 53 years' shows that perhaps you were a little excited by this and (maybe?) this upset her.

Honestly, I think you all need to back away from each other

Each time you post, you compare some part of your life with hers and it's just no way to live

Also the miscarriage affected her awfully, oh dear. Good job she hasn't had infertility as those drugs you can't change how they affect you when they are in I put blood stream.

They are two completely separate events - why are you comparing them (and in such a vile way)? The fact that you had trauma doesn’t mean that it is now impossible for her to have trauma.

You all sound incredibly toxic.

I’m very sorry for your losses.

Please get some therapy to help you deal with the anger and jealously that you’re feeling, and to work on implementing a healthy relationship with your family. None of this drama is necessary or helpful to you.

I haven’t read the full thread as I found it a bit triggering (god I hate that phrase)

It sounds like you Mum and Auntie have a bit of a weird sibling rivalry thing going on which they have never grown out of and seem determined to pass down to you and your cousin.

I get what you mean about pregnancy loss / infertility/ IVF being like a club. Those who have not experienced it won’t understand, they can of course empathise, but you have to have experienced it to truly get it.

Honestly I think the best thing that you can do is distance yourself from your aunt and cousin, there’s no need for a big drama stoking announcement about it, but step back, stop contacting boating etc. be busy when they want to make plans etc. and the distance will grow on its own.

Separate to this you sound like to are in a lot of pain about your losses. Maybe it would be good for you and your DH to seek out some counselling to help you work through how you feel.

It sounds like this drama is stoking some kind of bitter energy in you. Going over and over what they said, how it made you feel … it’s not healthy. You need to find a way to move on.

You have been through a lot.

Some of your relatives have shown a marked lack of empathy. If you want to distance yourself from them I would do so. I possibly would not make any particularly final call on this. I would not, if I were you, make any declaration of future intent. I’d just remove myself from group gatherings and see if I felt differently in the future.

I do agree with other posters that you would benefit from counselling for your own grief.

I have endured 6 miscarriages (2 of them over 14 weeks) and although I have 3 children and although I am not defined by the loss, I am still affected by it. Clinically, my 2 late miscarriages were very different (really physically debilitating) from my earlier ones. But psychologically they all had similar impact. I would not differentiate at all between your emotional suffering and mine. And your relative should not have done. But their pain was also real. Not everyone is well informed. Miscarriage/loss of IVF is as much about the loss of hope/expectation as it is about the physical symptoms.

People can be very insensitive. One of my 2 late miscarriages was a baby that I later learned (it was the 3rd in a row and we had testing) had Downs Syndrome. I still (12 years on) reel a bit when I recall the people (otherwise “lovely”) who told me it was a “blessing” I had lost that baby. As I say people are insensitive. A bit clueless.

I do think, having experienced some insensitive treatment from your aunt and your cousin, you might be falling into the trap (understandable, but best avoided if possible) of interpreting every action of theirs as “bad”. Revealing a pregnancy early, gender reveal, discussion of the detail of a miscarriage would not be my way. But I don’t think they are necessarily “wrong” for those things. Just different from you and me in what they want do share.

Your journey to motherhood has been really hard. Others - unless they have similarly suffered - will likely not appreciate that. You are not wrong to distance yourself from people who bring you down. But in so doing, try not to judge others too harshly. Very few of us have an entirely easy time of it. And apparently insensitive comments might hide a world of hurt.

I really wish you well. I absolutely understand the way your losses will have affected you. As I said, it’s plain you are still in pain. Understandably so. I really do recommend counselling.

There’s too much competitiveness going on here

You had first baby in family in 53 years
You have twins and therefore belong in a club
You spent £1000s abroad on IVF and therefore belong in that club too
You made a world number 1 product in 9 weeks

They have brands like Stokke and bugaboo that you envy.

I must admit I am questioning if they have said all these things or if you have interpreted things this way as you seem to be in constant competition with them.

First baby boy

Sorry for your losses has your cousin have any dc? Tbh as much as you had your losses I do think it was insensitive when talking about someone else's to mention yours. I'd imagine if it was reversed it could be conveyed to hers that her daughters was less of loss and your right it isn't a competition but it can come across that way. It seems like alot of underlying competition and alot of hurt going on.

So much going on here. You have a really unhealthy family dynamic with resentment, competitiveness and a dose of spite running through it all.

Take a step back, focus on what you have and what makes you happy. Be kind to others and don’t perceive a slight in everything that’s said. Stop comparing and taking comparisons on board.

Possibly speak to a professional to help you iron it all out in your mind and notice the good stuff. Your mind seems to be filled with these unhelpful and chaotic thoughts where one upset leads to another. It’s really really not worth it.

@MrsM2021 l completely agree. People without these kind of experiences don’t know what it’s like

@hurryupmummy yeah l vote have nothing to do with your auntie. It’s impressive how tactless and thoughtless people are around infertility and loss. Then when l challenge them on it, then l get lots of “be kind and understanding”. Whereas that courtesy isn’t extended to me

You all sound mental.

Why is everything a competition?

Why does it have to be the pain olympics over who's loss was worse?

You all need to chill the fuck out and stop looking for things to be angry about.

[quote EL8888]@MrsM2021 l completely agree. People without these kind of experiences don’t know what it’s like

@hurryupmummy yeah l vote have nothing to do with your auntie. It’s impressive how tactless and thoughtless people are around infertility and loss. Then when l challenge them on it, then l get lots of “be kind and understanding”. Whereas that courtesy isn’t extended to me[/quote]
💯

It's all very competitive and horrible.

Yes they sound awful but you're not coming across well yourself. It's like you want them to accept you've had it far worse and they aren't going to do that.

I agree that the competitiveness needs to end if you want to coexist happily in future (if that's what you want).

I am sorry for what you have gone through, but grief is not a p*ssing contest.

I think you need counselling for your grief and your envy that your cousin conceived easily and has had everything handed her on a plate.

Why are you so wound up about your cousin? Live your own life, you do not have to compare or to include.

Your aunt was very insensitive and it was completely unreasonable if she knew what you went through to not approach it with more sensitivity - also odd timing. But this event appears to have triggered you to relive and experience the anger, frustration, jealousy and to lash out - that’s fine on a public forum but do take care in real life and I would repeat what others have said that this indicates these issues haven’t been addressed properly and you would benefit from counselling. The issues aren’t going to go away, they’ve happened and you’ve experienced trauma and loss but it can help you not to relive it and react with such pain. I hope you feel better soon and whatever you choose with your family (distancing would be good IMO) remember that how you deal with things will be what your children learn.

I too have ivf, many many rounds, I also went abroad, I also suffered with terrible side effect of the drugs. I had several miscarriages. However I don't define myself by it

If another person was telling me about their. Miscarriage (be it their first or fifth) I would offer heartfelt sympathy and I absolutely would not chip in with "yea well so did I". It's just not appropriate

Don't be that person that's looking for offence. If you don't like them then keep your distance but don't start a family fued over it all.

Tbf they don't have anything I don't. I don't think it's a competition, everyone's grief is different you can't compare it.

They did feel gutted for us that we had a boy. I don't care what anyone says, to feel gutted for a couple who has lost 4 babies and would give their right arms for ANY baby its an awful thing to say. We weren't bothered about gender at all.

In all honesty I am jealous of their conception of course I am but I don't envy their life

Sibling rivalry between my aunt and mum is interesting and really makes me think about things that have happened in the past....