Want nothing to do with my auntie

[hurryupmummy]

This is going to be long 😬

So starting mid 2015

We needed ivf. Our first cycle our embryo split into triplets and I lost all three babies. Then I fell pregnant naturally and I lost that baby. Both times needed a D&C.

Mid 2016

Another cycle I had ohss and my left side of my body was shutting down at a rapid speed due to my left ovary twisting so I was hours from death. My cycle was cancelled and we were devastated. Then my next cycle was successful and also my cousin fell pregnant 6 week after.

The differences between us:

My cousin - shouted it from the rooftops that they conceived the first month, her OH actually made a comment to my hubby about him being 'ill' ffs. They told everyone the day they got their positive test. Found out gender, announced her name and planned a baby shower. Funnily enough mid week on my due date. I will never believe that to be a coincidence. Naivety - yeah probably

Myself - quite happy to plod along without telling anyone which caused huge rifts and arguments with my mum. So much so that she was crossed off my birth plan in red marker and I showed her. I didn't find out gender to prevent me from bonding. To me having a baby and being pregnant are two different things. Call me a skeptic and a twat but that's how I feel. I explained to my mum that there are people who go through a pregnancy and have a stillborn baby and how horrific that must be. My mum couldn't understand that. She blamed me for asking her not to tell people when her sister - my auntie was. Although I know damn right my mum was as people i didn't know were congratulating me

Anyway fast forward 2020 my cousin fall pregnant but miscarried.

A couple of us meet up - my cousin couldn't make it but my auntie is there and she lets it slip that XXXX is 6 weeks pregnant. Then says don't say I said anything though after what happened last time as it was awful, she went on and on and on, she tells the whole table how my cousin had to have a D&C and I said "so did I" and she looked me straight in the eye and said "yes but XXXX was worse, you've never seen anything like it" I tapped hubby's leg under the table stood up and he knew to follow me to the toilets. I cried and just said how can she just be so dismissive, invalidate anyone and everyone else?? It's horrendous for everyone who has experienced a pregnancy loss, it's not a fucking competition. Anyway we walked out, I went to the car. Hubby got the kids and made excuses. My auntie shouted to hubby ivf is different to miscarriage. No shit. My mum apparently explained that she didn't think it was that why we left. Hubby said if it wasn't a public place he would have ripped my auntie a new one

I now have 3 gorgeous children but have lost 4. Does that outweigh my loss yes and no. I'm fucking thankful everyday for my children and count my blessings and thank them for choosing to implant but also I do feel a sense of loss of the babies that were ours and they will alway be ours. The scan photos and pregnancy tests I still have as they are part of our marriage we believe.

I'm not going to rant and rave about it to family and friends. I will politely decline any invite we receive to a gathering at her house and if she is at a family party we will be hi and bye kind of thing. I don't want to invite her to any of our parties etc

AIBU?? I want to stress it's not the subject matter than upsets me. Obviously it's not the nicest thing to talk about but it doesn't reduce me to tears. I've held my friend sobbing from a miscarriage and no cried and told her she will be ok, time is a great healer. Its the fact my own auntie looked me in the eye and said that

Is it cruel or just something that anyone would say??

Thanks

@SheepGoBaaaa

I don’t understand the parallel you’re making with you and your sister and your two cousins...? Are you saying you would have expected their parents not to be supportive?

No a bit of jealousy/competition as they have started to sell afternoon teas - not slagging that off at all or one would hope they will smash it but the competition between our mums could have filtered if that makes sense??

@alwayswithhope

I don’t know if we are reading the same post or if I just am lucky to have a great family and others standards are so low.

When the OP was going through the trauma of IVF and miscarriage of multiple babies her cousin knew about this. Cousins response was to talk about her pregnancy as much and as often as possible and to compare how she got pregnant first month of trying to how the OP husband is ‘ill’ so they needed IVF - and to tell people this in public. Zero empathy zero sympathy, didn’t even try be there for OP.

Fast forward to when cousin has a miscarriage. Suddenly miscarriage is awful and horrendous when it’s happening to cousin and everyone must be told and sympathise at the family outing. Again no one gives a shit that OP is there and has also been through multiple miscarriages and if May be tough for her to listen to minute details of one in first instance and second to hear all the sympathy when hers were dismissed. When OP raises it the aunt belittles her miscarriages as not being as bad as cousins and also implies they don’t count as they were following on from ivf.

OP just wants to be understood and recognised by her family that she’s been through a lot. Given they are doing the polar opposite it makes sense to cut aunt off and distance from mother too.

Yet as I predicted earlier posters think OP has the problem and shouldn’t have said anything.

Yes all of a sudden we all need to txt her and listen to how much blood she lost and the tears she cried.

But to tell my hubby he's 'ill' in public during a game of pool with his mates is not kind

Also the miscarriage affected her awfully, oh dear. Good job she hasn't had infertility as those drugs you can't change how they affect you when they are in I put blood stream.

To go through treatment you do have to have strength as a couple and as a person. It's not simple. We also went to the Czech Republic for a month for our treatment. We have never been travelling before let alone to a clinic abroad and spending £1000s but I look at my babies and they are worth every penny without a doubt but to my cousin it's "plenty more where they came"
Quotes
"Disappointed having a girl"
"Gutted we had a boy - not happy for us!"
"Would abort a twin"
"Needed to speak to men who had daughters to feel at ease"
"If you don't find out gender no one buys you anything"
"Hated what she looked like when she was born"

For those comments they made I have no sympathy- call me what you will

They've siad plenty of insensitive things, but this: Also the miscarriage affected her awfully, oh dear. is awful. That's a really really low thing to say OP.

@MindyStClaire

They've siad plenty of insensitive things, but this: Also the miscarriage affected her awfully, oh dear. is awful. That's a really really low thing to say OP.

This.

OP, I mean this in the kindest way, but you’re clearly very very angry. You do come across as though you want special treatment and recognition for all that you have been through, but with all respect, that’s not going to mean as much to anyone else apart from you and DH. Only you will have your pain and trauma.

Your aunt will not feel the same about your losses as she does her own daughter. That’s completely natural. During that meal she was getting what happened off her chest and processing it all, but you made it about you, in front of everyone, so yes, she promptly shut you down.

Judging by the way you’re posting here, I do wonder if you are just as insensitive with them as they are with you, and that perhaps it’s best for your sanity to distance yourself from them.

This is incredibly confusing and dramatic to be honest. It seems like you're constantly looking for things to be offended or competitive about. What's you and your sister's business got to do with anything?

I really think you need to get some talking therapy, or your children are going to be growing up in a really toxic family environment.

Also I think your mum comes out of this more badly than your aunt.

During that meal she was getting what happened off her chest and processing it all, but you made it about you,

Yep. They really wasn't your finest moment. I'd have thought that your own experience would have made you sympathetic to theirs. But actually it was as if you resented then getting any sympathy.

Also, I’m not sure what any of your cousin’s first pregnancy has to do with this. That in itself suggests you yourself like to compare yourself with your cousin, as well as your later posts. Why does her being more open and celebratory about her pregnancy have anything to do with what happened during the meal?

Yes all of a sudden we all need to txt her and listen to how much blood she lost and the tears she cried

Wow. Shudder. Can you hear yourself? Ok you don't like her. Ok she wasn't nice to you. Maybe she's a bitch. But she's just had a miscarriage. And this is how you talk about her. Seriously, maybe it's not your fault as your family is clearly toxic, but that is the bitter,cruel remark of a horrible person. Seriously if you feel no compassion for her fine but there is no need whatsoever to stick the boot in.

Of course they've never gone without. EVER. Stokke, bugaboo, all the brands I've envied everyone having and I'd dreamed of buying one day have next day delivery 😂😂😂

It kind of undermines all of your shouting about how traumatic your pregnancies have been when you are also ranting about next day delivery and envy of overpriced baby products

@hurryupmummy, honestly, your thought processes seem very scrambled, possibly due to some toxic combination of trauma and a high and frankly odd level of competitiveness.

You said you and your sister made a successful business in 9 weeks with a 'world first' product. Then you seem surprised your uncle wanted to buy shares and that your mother and your aunt (her sister?) aren't locked in some kind of vicious competition because your aunt's two daughters have started selling afternoon teas. So, in a completely different field, and presumably far more small-scale. Why would there be the remotest competitiveness? My siblings and our first cousins do the following for a living -- academic, psychotherapist, A and E nurse, mechanic, IT banking specialist, librarian, bus driver, running a bar in Thailand, working on a communal farm in Guatemala, SAHM, plumber, teachers. Our mothers don't sit about fighting about who is the most successful.

This makes me wonder, OP, if there is some weirdly competitive mindset in your family as a whole that has got unhelpfully transferred into the very sensitive domain of pregnancy loss and conception?

I went through ivf too and had many failures and miscarriages. There is a difference in that you get prepared for miscarriages (or you should) during the ivf process in a way you wouldn’t if you conceived naturally. It doesn’t mean we suffer any less but it does mean we probably never get to truly enjoy our pregnancies because we are always being counselled about what can go wrong. Still doesn’t give your DA an excuse to compare miscarriages and play stupid games like this; in your situation I probably would have let my DH rip her a new one.

You are competitive about it but horrified someone else might be competitive about it.

You all sound as bad as one another , just stay away from each other .

@hurryupmummy

Yeah I can accept on a level I am angry about the comments made about our infertility that my dh was "ill" - said in a pub whilst playing pool. And telling us it was their first time, they haven't experienced that so ok like I say naivety and they haven't been through it.

It wasn't one argument with my mum it was SEVERAL it took a lot to cross her off my birth plan I wanted her there from day 1. I didn't get a midwife until I was about 11 weeks as in my mind I was 'only a tiny bit pregnant'

Them being so happy, yeah I was jealous actually. I believed that I was going to have a dead baby. After all Lady Luck hadn't been there before and they were holding up designer baby grows and designing a nursery. My sons room didn't even have a ceiling, he had a Moses basket and a bundle of unisex second hand clothes as I didn't want to waste money.

I sound fucking awful. Of course they've never gone without. EVER. Stokke, bugaboo, all the brands I've envied everyone having and I'd dreamed of buying one day have next day delivery 😂😂😂

For her miscarriage I have total empathy but I don't have loss. It's horrendous no matter what. Why didn't I sit there and say I had to wait for a d&c and walk around like a grave with three dead babies inside me for 10 days?? Because I wouldn't, it wasn't the time

I totally feel your pain! I had a multiple stillbirth and a missed miscarriage! Some people are naive for sure. Until it happens to them, they'll never understand. Unfortunately your cousin found out just a little bit of what you had to experience.

Your auntie was out of order. She shouldn't have been minimising your procedure. She was being competitive and it was uncalled for.

If it was me, I would just go NC. She isn't worth the tears and upset.
I'm glad you got your rainbow babies. 💝

To be honest you all sounds quite narcissistic and lacking in empathy. Your cousin's pregnancy experience is personal to her and she doesn't have to take yours into account. The same way your horrible experiences are personal to you but aren't to her. The same goes for your auntie. It doesn't matter if you have lost 4 or 14 babies, to her losing her grandchild will be a bigger tragedy than her niece losing her babies. TO HER. You are being unreasonable to compare the two situations and expecting her to find yours worse. It is not a competition. One does not trump the other. Any loss is heartbreaking.

There's lots of points I have addressed or other posters have

Ok so my cousin is all good to celebrate what is everyone's response to the fact they were gutted we had a baby boy?? Is that not mean?

Now they are gutted because there is only two males in our whole family, the youngest one being 53 and when my son was born everyone went crazy for him and spoilt him but that's not my fault either?? So the people who are saying it's not their fault respond to the reasoning behind their comments???

Your mum doesn’t sound great and your auntie sounds worse.

Sure she was upset for her daughter but you’d think that it might have given her more empathy towards you and your losses and experiences - not less.

OP you do not have to have anyone in your life who invalidates your feelings or will openly mock or judge your private experiences.
It doesn’t matter if they are family, you do not have to subject yourself to spending time with someone who cannot show even the tinniest bit of common decency or sympathy.
Quite frankly it’s fuck all to do with her and she firstly shouldnt be discussing someone else’s miscarriage publicly with others (even if it is her daughter) and secondly she shouldn’t be making ANY comments regarding your fertility, miscarriages or otherwise.
She sounds horrid tbh. And I would have NO qualms about cutting that shit out of my life.

I’m sorry for your losses and everything you’ve been through to get where you are, don’t even let anyone invalidate your feelings. Grief isn’t a competition. You’re not unreasonable

@hurryupmummy

There's lots of points I have addressed or other posters have

Ok so my cousin is all good to celebrate what is everyone's response to the fact they were gutted we had a baby boy?? Is that not mean?

Now they are gutted because there is only two males in our whole family, the youngest one being 53 and when my son was born everyone went crazy for him and spoilt him but that's not my fault either?? So the people who are saying it's not their fault respond to the reasoning behind their comments???

I don’t understand why you care so much about what your cousin is doing, saying, thinking, feeling.

Focus on your own life.

Who has the time or energy for this?

@hurryupmummy

There's lots of points I have addressed or other posters have

Ok so my cousin is all good to celebrate what is everyone's response to the fact they were gutted we had a baby boy?? Is that not mean?

Now they are gutted because there is only two males in our whole family, the youngest one being 53 and when my son was born everyone went crazy for him and spoilt him but that's not my fault either?? So the people who are saying it's not their fault respond to the reasoning behind their comments???

But what does any of this tit-for-tattery have to do with your losses, struggles to conceive and your cousin's miscarriage?

It actually downgrades the traumatic losses of two women to the same level as some kind of ongoing bitchy, entrenched family competitiveness and snideness.

Your cousin is jealous you had the first boy in forever. And what? It doesn't change anything. It's not important. It's not worth carrying outrage over someone else's thoughts, feelings or opinions.

@hurryupmummy

There's lots of points I have addressed or other posters have

Ok so my cousin is all good to celebrate what is everyone's response to the fact they were gutted we had a baby boy?? Is that not mean?

Now they are gutted because there is only two males in our whole family, the youngest one being 53 and when my son was born everyone went crazy for him and spoilt him but that's not my fault either?? So the people who are saying it's not their fault respond to the reasoning behind their comments???

What has your cousin’s comments about having a baby boy have to do with what your aunt said? You’re telling us all the things they’ve said to paint them as bad and evil, but honestly, you’re just coming across as insensitive yourself, and I don’t mean to be harsh by saying that.

The baby boy comment is simple - they hoped for a boy and didn’t get one. Doesn’t mean they have wished anything bad on you or your son.

Judging by the way you’re acting here, I highly doubt you’ve sat there meekly whilst these comments were said, and you have probably made your fair share of insensitive comments towards your cousin.

I found counselling very helpful for processing my losses. There wasn't really anyone in real life I could speak to.
The miscarriage board in mumsnet too, very supportive

Meant to add, I do think you would benefit from this OP you have a lot of buried hurt

Ivf is a club. it's like when people say my children are 9 months apart they are like twins - fuck off are they. For once your 9m old will be partly weaned... the list could go on. If you haven't had twins you aren't in the club. Fact.

I might actually say that to my mum. Ivf is a special club and unless your in it you'll never know if she mentions anything. I doubt she will but just in case

OP - you're feeding into the drama again.

I'm sorry you've had such a traumatic time and that your family are so unsupportive and disrespectful of your boundaries, but it sounds like you're stuck in a very negative cycle with your DM and wider family whereby you think the perfect soundbite or reaction or rational argument will actually make a difference to the way they treat you - it won't.

I appreciate that you're shocked and upset at their behaviour, but your outrage isn't going to change them. If they cared about your opinion, they wouldn't have said/done those things in the first place, so illustrating the fact you're upset by visibly and dramatically retaliating each time isn't ever going to make them suddenly see the error of their ways - they'll just view it as you being "too sensitive" and "overreacting".

It sounds like a hugely unhealthy dynamic, I I think you're right to create some distance from your aunt, but do it for your own benefit - you seem to be still torturing yourself by trying to find ways to get your DM to understand you, instead of making peace with how they are.

You can't control other people's behaviour - only your reaction to it.

I would strongly recommend counselling and concentrating on your own MH - you've got 3 DC to focus on and they deserve your energy far more than all of this unnecessary family drama does.

Jesus. Such toxic drama, each one as bad or worse than the next.