Want nothing to do with my auntie

[hurryupmummy]

This is going to be long 😬

So starting mid 2015

We needed ivf. Our first cycle our embryo split into triplets and I lost all three babies. Then I fell pregnant naturally and I lost that baby. Both times needed a D&C.

Mid 2016

Another cycle I had ohss and my left side of my body was shutting down at a rapid speed due to my left ovary twisting so I was hours from death. My cycle was cancelled and we were devastated. Then my next cycle was successful and also my cousin fell pregnant 6 week after.

The differences between us:

My cousin - shouted it from the rooftops that they conceived the first month, her OH actually made a comment to my hubby about him being 'ill' ffs. They told everyone the day they got their positive test. Found out gender, announced her name and planned a baby shower. Funnily enough mid week on my due date. I will never believe that to be a coincidence. Naivety - yeah probably

Myself - quite happy to plod along without telling anyone which caused huge rifts and arguments with my mum. So much so that she was crossed off my birth plan in red marker and I showed her. I didn't find out gender to prevent me from bonding. To me having a baby and being pregnant are two different things. Call me a skeptic and a twat but that's how I feel. I explained to my mum that there are people who go through a pregnancy and have a stillborn baby and how horrific that must be. My mum couldn't understand that. She blamed me for asking her not to tell people when her sister - my auntie was. Although I know damn right my mum was as people i didn't know were congratulating me

Anyway fast forward 2020 my cousin fall pregnant but miscarried.

A couple of us meet up - my cousin couldn't make it but my auntie is there and she lets it slip that XXXX is 6 weeks pregnant. Then says don't say I said anything though after what happened last time as it was awful, she went on and on and on, she tells the whole table how my cousin had to have a D&C and I said "so did I" and she looked me straight in the eye and said "yes but XXXX was worse, you've never seen anything like it" I tapped hubby's leg under the table stood up and he knew to follow me to the toilets. I cried and just said how can she just be so dismissive, invalidate anyone and everyone else?? It's horrendous for everyone who has experienced a pregnancy loss, it's not a fucking competition. Anyway we walked out, I went to the car. Hubby got the kids and made excuses. My auntie shouted to hubby ivf is different to miscarriage. No shit. My mum apparently explained that she didn't think it was that why we left. Hubby said if it wasn't a public place he would have ripped my auntie a new one

I now have 3 gorgeous children but have lost 4. Does that outweigh my loss yes and no. I'm fucking thankful everyday for my children and count my blessings and thank them for choosing to implant but also I do feel a sense of loss of the babies that were ours and they will alway be ours. The scan photos and pregnancy tests I still have as they are part of our marriage we believe.

I'm not going to rant and rave about it to family and friends. I will politely decline any invite we receive to a gathering at her house and if she is at a family party we will be hi and bye kind of thing. I don't want to invite her to any of our parties etc

AIBU?? I want to stress it's not the subject matter than upsets me. Obviously it's not the nicest thing to talk about but it doesn't reduce me to tears. I've held my friend sobbing from a miscarriage and no cried and told her she will be ok, time is a great healer. Its the fact my own auntie looked me in the eye and said that

Is it cruel or just something that anyone would say??

Thanks

I imagine it was because it was HER daughter and your not, so of course she holds that closer to home than what happened to you.

If you don’t like her anymore then that’s fine, cut her out, you don’t need to validate why.

There is other examples I could give alongside all the comments that have been made but I don't want to me accused of 'drip feeding' as I know people don't like it

Out of the family though I 10000% assure you I am the one that is the most distant. We made the horrendous mistake of going on holiday with them and my other cousin (my cousins sister is always with her, she just is) so there was me, dh, ds, cousin, her partner, daughter and my other cousin.
We got roped into it a little bit with the kids being the same age etc but we were open to the idea, you know the kids dancing at the mini disco etc was cute. We got there and after the flight and in the hotel etc me and hubby were just like how are we going to get through this?? We did, the next day we were booked some excursions and they didn't come on some so we didn't have to live in each other's pockets so to say. It was intense to say the least.

I was talking to my sister the other day when I started this thread and it's responses and we were discussing whether our mum is actually a part of a competition or is but doesn't realise
It? My grandma gave me all her ring a few years back, just because she wanted me to have them and one of them has a huge 5.6 carat sapphire in. It's a gorgeous gorgeous ring it really is and my auntie kicked up as a fuss as my cousin is the eldest and SHE should get all the jewellery not me the second eldest. My grandma told her politely to jog on and she'll do what she wants 😂😂😂 good ol' grandma but then my auntie has never forgiven my mum for taking the rings off me and giving them back or to my cousin. My sisters view is it's nothing to do with the eldest etc it's the value of that sapphire they are interested in as that's the first thing she said to my my mum "mum hasn't given that sapphire ring to (my name) has she??"
Maybe we are being skeptics 🤷🏼‍♀️ but what about the other rings with sentimental value. My great grandmas wedding ring I class as treasure.

anyway yes I do want out of the drama and we won't be going on anymore holidays we made a pact on that. We actually always tell them how skint we are so they never ask us and then when we do go on holiday we say someone else paid for us. Anyway blocking my aunt is where is all begins for me, inc the back stories of other things, it all lays at her door. The anxiety I used to feel going to one of her parties or something. Whether she'd mention i was dressed up enough etc. All gone - brilliant 🤩 at another gathering it's different it's not hers so she can't comment if I've not made enough effort for her

But I do mean it, nothing more to do with her would be ace. She also then wouldn't be able to compare my children to her granddaughter which pisses me off when on the rare occasion I would be there xx

Sorry that meant to say she's never forgiven my mum for NOT taking the rings off me xx

OP you are clearly consumed with hatred and competitiveness. It's very sad that you lost babies. of course it is. However, the level of venom leaping out from your posts is worrying.

@KaptainKaveman

OP you are clearly consumed with hatred and competitiveness. It's very sad that you lost babies. of course it is. However, the level of venom leaping out from your posts is worrying.

Absolutely, so you basically went on holiday to the same place as them, and avoided them the whole time? And the glee and schadenfreude coming out of your post how you got aalll the family rings and they got NONE is astoundingly juvenile.

The holiday was good idea we thought at the time

The ring situation is the point of how is my mum roped into it unwillingly??

The examples could be anything that's by the by it's the actions taken after that I don't think my mum does feel a competition as such

I agree with the above comments.
Clearly there is a lot going on.
Do I think your aunt should have spoken to you that way? No, obviously not. Trauma is not a competition.
Would I be hurt if my mother chose to give all of her jewellery to one niece? Yes, I would.

I also said it is a gorgeous gorgeous ring as I understand why they would be upset about it

And I also say good ol' grandma as she is one of the best, in the proudest of her. Even her death is the best one ever, she did it in style. I am reading that back and realising where it sounds like I'm being nasty but I don't mean it like that

My mum couldn't say much though apart from she would have to take it up with mum and when my auntie did that's what my grandma told her

@hurryupmummy

And I also say good ol' grandma as she is one of the best, in the proudest of her. Even her death is the best one ever, she did it in style. I am reading that back and realising where it sounds like I'm being nasty but I don't mean it like that

My mum couldn't say much though apart from she would have to take it up with mum and when my auntie did that's what my grandma told her

You honestly sound as if you are about 12, and spiteful as hell.

Also the miscarriage affected her awfully, oh dear. Good job she hasn't had infertility

I'm sorry OP, you lost me here.

@IWantT0BreakFree

Obviously emotions are running very high as they always will around pregnancy loss. Many of us have been there and we all cope differently and are affected to different degrees. It sounds like you and your husband are understandably focused on your own pain, but so are your cousin and her mum. It was insensitive for your aunty to bring up your cousin's miscarriage knowing your history, but they are grieving too and obviously were focused on their own pain (as you were focused on yours). I understand that you felt your feelings were dismissed and invalidated, but perhaps your aunty felt the same on your cousin's behalf when you immediately switched the focus of the conversation to your own loss ("me too"). It was unkind of her to say that your cousin had a worse time because it's not a competition, but perhaps she was annoyed and slightly lashing out. I suppose that whilst it might have felt to you like an inappropriate occasion to discuss it, your aunty may have felt it was a comfort to finally have lots of people around after lockdown and if she's been very worried about her daughter, maybe it just came out when she felt she had some support. It's very possible that your cousin has had an extremely tough time both physically and emotionally and if her mum has been very involved then it's understandable that it would have affected her too somewhat.

As another PP said, it sounds like you are channelling your pain into a lot of anger towards other people (wanting to cut off your aunty, crossing your mum off the birth plan after an argument etc). It does seem like you would benefit from some professional support to try and process what has happened. Otherwise you run the risk of cutting all these people out (and probably more people down the line) and then realising that itsl hasn't made you feel any better, only now you're on your own.

Hmm yes they do sound a bit insensitive but I don’t think YANBU. You’ve had a terrible time 4 years ago with fertility and now have 3 children. Your cousin at the same time was pregnant without fertility issues so didn’t have any of the caution re announcements that you naturally had. Fast forward 4 years and your cousin has had a miscarriage during lockdown, the first time your Aunty talks about it you immediately refer back to your own, as if it is a competition. Your aunt reacts insensitively but she was possibly justifiably put out at the insensitive interruption from you. Not really a NC offence in my eyes, sorry. But I do really feel for you OP and I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

You honestly sound as if you are about 12, and spiteful as hell

And as though you enjoy being spiteful yet playing dumb and innocent about it all. Actually feeling more and more sympathy for your aunt and cousin the more you post.

I'm not drip feeding the post with other things surrounding the miscarriage and the past as we know that gets vicious but I am happy with my choice

What choice?

I'm not drip feeding the post with other things surrounding the miscarriage and the past as we know that gets vicious but I am happy with my choice

Okay, so what’s the AIBU then? As it comes across I would think you would not be the only one happy with your choice.

OP, you sound as if you know you’re being spiteful and really don’t care how badly you’re coming across on this thread. I also feel more sympathy for your aunt and cousins than for you. (Although I’ve been through infertility and do empathise with you there.)

Goodness, how tedious. I feel like your auntie may have had a lucky escape!

This isn’t an AIBU - this is just another platform for you to complain about how wronged you have been by everyone who comes in to contact with you. You are always the hard done by one.

I’m sorry for your losses but you do seem somewhat “stuck” there. I say this as someone who suffered numerous miscarriages and fertility issues.

The way you write reminds me of someone I know. She’s also extremely self obsessed. Apparently everyone she encounters is a narcissist, from her husband to the milk man. Nothing is ever her.

She is the saddest and loneliest person who covers it all with bluster and DRAMA. She doesn’t have a true friend in the world because she thinks she’s so much better than everyone else. As I say you remind me very much of her and for that you have my sympathy.

OP I'm not sure what your last post is meant to add or point out? That you got annoyed with your cousins on holiday and avoided them? That your Grandma gave you all her rings instead of your cousins included one that is clearly worth a lot of money? So what? What does this add? All you're doing once again is painting a picture of comparison with your cousins and bragging about how you were the favourite and your cousins and sister didn't?

Not once in any of your posts have your expressed any regret at your behaviour, taking any ownership of it or done any self reflection.

Looking back, do you not see how you are contributing to this toxicity and how your self obsessions with trauma top trumps is also negatively affecting your family?

Yes what your aunt said was terrible and your mum could have been more supportive but I think you are no better

Plenty of typos in there but hopefully you get the gist!

You honestly sound as if you are about 12, and spiteful as hell.

I wanted to say something less harsh, but to be honest, this sums it up.

I kind of picture OP having an us vs them list

OP having first baby boy in family for 53 years
The uncle buying shares in world leading product
The gran leaving 5.6 carat sapphire to OP
Spending £1000s on IVF abroad

Twins
Miscarriage of ivf babies

Vs

Stokke and Bugaboo branded goods
Natural conception
Miscarriage of naturally conceived babies