Want nothing to do with my auntie

[hurryupmummy]

This is going to be long 😬

So starting mid 2015

We needed ivf. Our first cycle our embryo split into triplets and I lost all three babies. Then I fell pregnant naturally and I lost that baby. Both times needed a D&C.

Mid 2016

Another cycle I had ohss and my left side of my body was shutting down at a rapid speed due to my left ovary twisting so I was hours from death. My cycle was cancelled and we were devastated. Then my next cycle was successful and also my cousin fell pregnant 6 week after.

The differences between us:

My cousin - shouted it from the rooftops that they conceived the first month, her OH actually made a comment to my hubby about him being 'ill' ffs. They told everyone the day they got their positive test. Found out gender, announced her name and planned a baby shower. Funnily enough mid week on my due date. I will never believe that to be a coincidence. Naivety - yeah probably

Myself - quite happy to plod along without telling anyone which caused huge rifts and arguments with my mum. So much so that she was crossed off my birth plan in red marker and I showed her. I didn't find out gender to prevent me from bonding. To me having a baby and being pregnant are two different things. Call me a skeptic and a twat but that's how I feel. I explained to my mum that there are people who go through a pregnancy and have a stillborn baby and how horrific that must be. My mum couldn't understand that. She blamed me for asking her not to tell people when her sister - my auntie was. Although I know damn right my mum was as people i didn't know were congratulating me

Anyway fast forward 2020 my cousin fall pregnant but miscarried.

A couple of us meet up - my cousin couldn't make it but my auntie is there and she lets it slip that XXXX is 6 weeks pregnant. Then says don't say I said anything though after what happened last time as it was awful, she went on and on and on, she tells the whole table how my cousin had to have a D&C and I said "so did I" and she looked me straight in the eye and said "yes but XXXX was worse, you've never seen anything like it" I tapped hubby's leg under the table stood up and he knew to follow me to the toilets. I cried and just said how can she just be so dismissive, invalidate anyone and everyone else?? It's horrendous for everyone who has experienced a pregnancy loss, it's not a fucking competition. Anyway we walked out, I went to the car. Hubby got the kids and made excuses. My auntie shouted to hubby ivf is different to miscarriage. No shit. My mum apparently explained that she didn't think it was that why we left. Hubby said if it wasn't a public place he would have ripped my auntie a new one

I now have 3 gorgeous children but have lost 4. Does that outweigh my loss yes and no. I'm fucking thankful everyday for my children and count my blessings and thank them for choosing to implant but also I do feel a sense of loss of the babies that were ours and they will alway be ours. The scan photos and pregnancy tests I still have as they are part of our marriage we believe.

I'm not going to rant and rave about it to family and friends. I will politely decline any invite we receive to a gathering at her house and if she is at a family party we will be hi and bye kind of thing. I don't want to invite her to any of our parties etc

AIBU?? I want to stress it's not the subject matter than upsets me. Obviously it's not the nicest thing to talk about but it doesn't reduce me to tears. I've held my friend sobbing from a miscarriage and no cried and told her she will be ok, time is a great healer. Its the fact my own auntie looked me in the eye and said that

Is it cruel or just something that anyone would say??

Thanks

"Sibling rivalry between my aunt and mum is interesting"

Well in this case it seems to have blinded your mum to what you had been through & her only concerns were that she couldn't tell people when her sister could & you were not doing what she wanted.

There are plenty of people who don't announce before 12 wks, buy much or find out the sex irregardless of past circumstances.

@hurryupmummy

Tbf they don't have anything I don't. I don't think it's a competition, everyone's grief is different you can't compare it.

They did feel gutted for us that we had a boy. I don't care what anyone says, to feel gutted for a couple who has lost 4 babies and would give their right arms for ANY baby its an awful thing to say. We weren't bothered about gender at all.

In all honesty I am jealous of their conception of course I am but I don't envy their life

Sibling rivalry between my aunt and mum is interesting and really makes me think about things that have happened in the past....

But you already said:

Of course they've never gone without. EVER. Stokke, bugaboo, all the brands I've envied everyone having and I'd dreamed of buying one day have next day delivery

You do seem awfully obsessed with your cousin, especially when the issue is what your aunt said, and her response to you. Cut them out and you’ll be happier.

There are plenty of people who don't announce before 12 wks

I didn't even tell my own mum until I was 12 weeks. It does remove a lot of the can-I-please-just-tell-Auntie-Sarah stuff.

OP you’ve been through a lot and it sounds really hard. Your mum and auntie have been insensitive and what your auntie said was unacceptable.

But you’ve said some pretty unpalatable things on this thread about your cousin too.

Absolutely go NC if that’s what you feel is best but I’m not sure you’re going to live the drama free life even if they’re not in it because some of it is coming from you.

OP, the words in your last post Tbf they don't have anything I don't. I don't think it's a competition, everyone's grief is different you can't compare it. are directly contradicted with every other post you've made

Your constant comparisons of your cousins, both her journey to have children and what she physically has, show your Mum and Aunt's competition with each other have seeped into your way of thinking

You are also horribly dismissive and in some cases quite nasty about her losses and directly compare them with yours which, according to you, are much worse

You need to start living by your own words, separating yourself from what your cousin is doing and her grief from yours

Your family's behaviour has been abhorrent but given your posts, I honestly think you are not blameless and give as good as you get.

Extricate yourself from this drama, get some counselling and enjoy your wonderful children without the constant comparisons

I'm exhausted just reading this. It sounds like it would be best if you all kept away from each other.

Also the miscarriage affected her awfully, oh dear. Good job she hasn't had infertility as those drugs you can't change how they affect you when they are in I put blood stream

You just sound like a dick now.

And I've been through many years of infertility, with failed treatments, failed adoption and failed surrogacy. So I didn't get any baby at the end of it all. I've never expected any of my friends or family to play down their pregnancies in any way as they're theirs to enjoy. I find it really odd that you're choosing to define yourself by the IVF you've had. It isn't a special club, it's a medical procedure.

Honestly I'd find you insufferable. And your family. You're all as bad as each other. All one upmanship and bitterness.

Also the miscarriage affected her awfully, oh dear. Good job she hasn't had infertility as those drugs you can't change how they affect you when they are in I put blood stream

I don't actually understand your point here, other than how nasty it is. I miscarriaged recently and yes my blood stream is still being affected by the hormones. Having to keep testing until l can see a negative result is horrible, as we were so excited to see those 2 lines, now am still seeing them and knowing there is nothing there is awful. Can neither of you show sympathy and compassion to each other rather than this dreadful behaviour?!

Can neither of you show sympathy and compassion to each other rather than this dreadful behaviour?!

^This 100%. I find this really sad, as you could be supporting each other rather than indulging in this competitive misery.

And I say this as someone who has been through infertility and IVF with no success and ended up adopting. I watched whilst friends and family members had babies and felt that no one understood. (I do get that part.)

I'm one of the lucky ones and I count my blessings I truly do. I am not for one moment ungrateful for my DC. They are the world to me. I regret not taking a million photos a day, thinking that I'm not kissing them enough, making memories constantly

The bugaboo comment was made about myself.

I don't down play her but I don't think she is the only person in the world either. Loads of people have experienced it. You would think she is the only one and that's simply untrue.

Regardless anyway everyone knows about this pregnancy now as my auntie has told everyone. We will await further news after the 12 week scan and touchwood everything is ok.

To the people who have experienced infertility and ivf I do think there is a club. I'm sorry but if you haven't been through it you never know it. Maybe club isn't the right word but how can someone understand grief from ivf if they don't even know the process?? I don't know anything about brain cancer. A friends daughter has just been diagnosed. I feel horrendous for her and I rely on her to tell me about it as I've never known or experienced anything like/about it and need educating on her condition. Unless people want educating they won't understand anything they've never been faced with and never learn.
Cancer is obviously completely different but my point is if you've never had/needed IVF why would you think about it? Only people who have been through similar experiences will ever truly know

Your creepy obsession with your cousin is really awful and your need to be seen as the one who suffered most is something you should address in counselling. Your need for drama is not healthy.
Crossing your mums name off in red and showing her? WTAF
Your need to take your aunts moment and make it all about YOU with the associated and unneeded drama that went with it? Wow

You make yourself look worse with each bitter post.

As someone who suffered many losses, I find your behaviour unfathomable and believe you would be doing yourself and your family a favour by seeking counselling to help you move forward in a much healthier way. Don't think your bitterness won't manifest itself in your own family in some way.

But again, your experience is not everybody's experience. I'd feel mortified if someone defined me by my inability to have children, so no I don't want to be in some super special IVF club.

You don't have to compare every experience and every scenario. You can exist concurrently to everybody else who will view and feel differently to you. Your pregnancy is no more and no less special than your cousin's, and nor do they need to be in competition with one another.

If you feel someone is toxic, by all means cut them out. But from what you've said, you're going to seek out these issues in anybody as you seem to thrive on the drama of it.

You all sound as bad as each other. At the start I though YANBU but reading through the thread I've changed my mind! I'm guessing your aunt behaved the way she did (which was appalling btw) because you're all constantly in competition with eachother so when you said 'so did I' making it into yet another competition. Its a strange way to react when hearing of someone else's miscarriage. You've clearly been through a lot and I agree with other posters that you might benefit from counselling.
I've been through ivf and miscarriage with a D&C and yes its horrendous but I don't see myself being part of a special club or that I have a monopoly on pain, other women who haven't been through ivf have been through worse than me. Im currently 19 weeks pregnant with my first and im incredibly anxious and of course slightly envious of people who go through pregnancy without any fear but I'm also very grateful to be this position. Focus on all the positives in your life which seem to be many and steer yourself away from the negativity. I do think you'd benefit being distanced from your family, the dynamics appear to be unhealthy.

I think you’ve been through a lot op and I think some counselling to make sense of it and help let go of the pain is what you need.
I say this in the kindest way. It all sounds an exhausting way to live.
Your cousin and aunt are just trying to live their lives. We all deal with different shit at different times of our lives - none of us are complete ‘winners’ or ‘losers’
Drop the rope and get some counselling.

Also the miscarriage affected her awfully, oh dear. Good job she hasn't had infertility as those drugs you can't change how they affect you when they are in I put blood stream

As someone who has had multiple miscarriages over 10 years to try conceive my only child (no, it’s not a club), let me give you a ODFOD.

So much drama! You are all as bad as each other.

Oh op my heart hurts for you reading that. YANBU your Aunty is a knob I would just forget about them.

Starting in 2015 - 6 years ago
You all seem as bad as each other, you want to step away, you don't really do you, you enjoy it.

@MakeMineALarge1

Starting in 2015 - 6 years ago You all seem as bad as each other, you want to step away, you don't really do you, you enjoy it.

Have to agree with this

Ops posts are so overly dramatic that I can only conclude that she she in some way enjoys the drama and I say this as someone who has also had several losses and several rounds of IVF

I’ve had a similar experience when it comes to family competition, to do with miscarriage too. Words stick there’s no doubt, but you have to ignore and move on because what was said has been said and can’t be unsaid. You can’t help how you feel either.

Ive had to remove myself from members of family for my own sanity. I have as little as possible to do with them now and am better for it.

You understand have awful and life changing miscarriages are, so why are you so nasty about your cousins?

I'm so sorry for your losses OP, that is devastating and unforgivable of your auntie for what she said and how she acted. Personally I don't think she deserves to be part of your life in any shape or form.

Reading through recent comments OP, you all sound quite toxic to one another, I think it might be great all round to have way less contact between you all.

It sounds like there is a very unhealthy, dramatic and competitive dynamic in your family. You are part of it too. I think you’d benefit from counselling to address your trauma as you’ve projected a lot in this thread. It might help you identity your role in the unhealthy family dynamics too. It sounds like you’ve all said unpleasant things about one another, be it to their face or online. Step back, get some support and hopefully you’ll recognise you don’t need to engage in this with your family. Perhaps you’d benefit from reduced contact.

I agree with many others, the whole family dynamic sounds incredibly unhealthy and none of you seem capable of being nice to each other. I'd just take a step back from everyone if I was you.

I agree that the competitiveness needs to end if you want to coexist happily in future (if that's what you want).
I don't think that is what she wants.