Page 8 | To think I shouldn’t have to feel like I need to lock my things up

FedUpppp · 2021-06-21T09:04:35+00:00

For some reason my possessions are a free for all and I’m sick of it I’ve explained to the dc they can’t just help themselves to my things-yet they do. Repeatedly. The consequences for this have been a telling off and having to replace items. It happens with food (I’m vegan they aren’t yet they’ll eat my vegan chocolate and leave mine and not replace) Make up will get taken from my room , used, not replaced. Nobody asks to borrow ? They think it’s acceptable to go to someone else’s room / bag and take. They’ve been taught about privacy and stealing yet this continues. I dont see why I should now feel like I have to hide/lock things away ?? So I can’t have cold chocolate ss can’t leave it in the fridge. Can’t leave my own things out in my own room. I feel devalued almost as if they see me as a lesser person and they can take off me. It’s only small items but I’ve had enough of it

Mincingfuckdragon · 23/06/2021 00:01

My DD when she was about 10 ate all 5 of my remaining Godiva chocolates (box of 6 given to me for my birthday, I was planning to have one each day and had only eaten one). She had been told by DH not to eat them because they were mine. I told her how upset I was that she had eaten them as they were a gift and were just for me. She seemed pretty nonchalant about it all.

So then I took her to the supermarket the next day and made a HUGE deal out of letting her choose a delicious thing just for her (she chose Sour Patch Kids, boak). I made a big fuss and told everyone in the house they were just for her. She ate a few that evening and the after she went to bed I threw the rest out and left the empty packet in the cupboard. She raged about the unfairness of it for a couple of days but finally understood the effect of what she had done and apologised.

She has done nothing like this since. I felt like a right botch doing it, but it worked.

Mincingfuckdragon · 23/06/2021 00:01

bitch heh.

PegasusReturns · 23/06/2021 00:03

My DC would do this - it’s low level stuff that I feel ridiculous sanctioning them for.

They wouldn’t take a chocolate out of a box I’d been gifted but would hesitate to polish if a 6 pack of Kit Kat’s without considering whether I might like one.

The wouldn’t take my lipstick, but my tweezers/nail scissors/cotton buds are constantly “borrowed”.

I am constantly searching for my sellotape, kitchen scissors and my bloody socks!

I think my eldest literally cannot grasp that I am not merely an extension of her

tallduckandhandsome · 23/06/2021 07:33

@Mincingfuckdragon

My DD when she was about 10 ate all 5 of my remaining Godiva chocolates (box of 6 given to me for my birthday, I was planning to have one each day and had only eaten one). She had been told by DH not to eat them because they were mine. I told her how upset I was that she had eaten them as they were a gift and were just for me. She seemed pretty nonchalant about it all.

So then I took her to the supermarket the next day and made a HUGE deal out of letting her choose a delicious thing just for her (she chose Sour Patch Kids, boak). I made a big fuss and told everyone in the house they were just for her. She ate a few that evening and the after she went to bed I threw the rest out and left the empty packet in the cupboard. She raged about the unfairness of it for a couple of days but finally understood the effect of what she had done and apologised.

She has done nothing like this since. I felt like a right botch doing it, but it worked.

Masterful!

PurpleyBlue · 23/06/2021 07:36

Do they have their own make up etc? If not maybe they could get some of their own.

Sparkletastic · 23/06/2021 07:42

I have teen DDs and they never do this however I would consider myself a fairly generous person so if they ever want to try or borrow something of mine I'm happy to let them. I also make sure they are well stocked with the items they need. Do they have an allowance OP? Can they afford their own nail polish etc?

EKGEMS · 23/06/2021 12:06

@ChelleMum85 "Acting their age" and letting them get away with theft is shit poor parenting due to laziness. Where do YOU draw the line? Stealing from peers or stores? Do your children have behavior expectations or are they feral?

QueenBee52 · 23/06/2021 12:12

@Sparkletastic

I have teen DDs and they never do this however I would consider myself a fairly generous person so if they ever want to try or borrow something of mine I'm happy to let them. I also make sure they are well stocked with the items they need. Do they have an allowance OP? Can they afford their own nail polish etc?

good grief

theworldsbiggestcrocodile · 23/06/2021 12:26

Dd2 is terrible for doing this. I've let her get away with it really as I couldn't be bothered getting aerated over some blusher or tanning drops or whatever. However she has recently started taking and wearing my jewellery and last week lost an earring from a pair that had been a present.
She doesn't seem to care at all so I've clearly been mistaken I'm not coming down harder on her in the past.
I'm very annoyed about it and I agree op it does feel disrespectful

lazylinguist · 23/06/2021 12:40

I wouldn’t regard my children eating my chocolate bar from their own house as stealing.

Presumably because you regard food in the family home as communal. But the OP has given a perfectly good reason why she has one item of food that is not communal. And her dc know that. So in this case it seems quite reasonable to think of it as stealing.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 23/06/2021 13:01

@Macncheeseballs

It's a shame to get so upset about chocolate

It's not just 'about chocolate', though, is it, @Macncheeseballs? It's about children who know that there are plenty of treats that they have specifically chosen, in the cupboard for them, and that there is one single treat that their mother has chosen for herself - and that she cannot eat any of the other treats, because they aren't vegan and she is - and them still deciding to eat their mother's only treat, saving their own treats for later, despite her having asked them repeatedly to LEAVE her treat for her!!

I can absolutely see how that would upset someone - to me, it says "I don't care that you don't have even one treat this week, mum - I'm having it - sod you!!"

Plus it is not just chocolate - they also take her jewellery, make up and toiletries, without asking - and use up/spoil the makeup and toiletries - despite her, again, asking them repeatedly not to.

That is looking like a pattern of self-centredness and utter disregard for their mum as a person - and I, for one, can see why she finds that attitude so upsetting.

It is not fair to @FedUpppp to minimise it by saying it is just about chocolate.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 23/06/2021 13:09

Also - for the people like @Toebean, who think this is normal behaviour - even if it is normal behaviour for kids, it is NOT normal behaviour for adults - how many times, on here, have we had threads about people who nick other people's lunches, or eating food that doesn't belong to them in a communal fridge/cupboard in a shared house?

If children are not taught that their behaviour is wrong, disrespectful and unacceptable, they will carry on doing it - so it is our job as parents to teach them that they DON'T have the right to appropriate anything they want, without asking - and we have to do that at home - otherwise your kid ends up as the adult that has no respect for other people's possessions.

Sparkletastic · 23/06/2021 13:11

Loving your contributions and deft use of emojis QueenBee.

QueenBee52 · 23/06/2021 13:31

@Sparkletastic

Loving your contributions and deft use of emojis QueenBee.

🤣

FinallyFluid · 23/06/2021 13:44

DS flirted with the chocolate thing, I put it in the fridge in a Chinese food container with a note on it that said......

If you open this box and eat this chocolate it is a) stealing and b) a declaration of war. (you have more to lose than me)

Never happened again.

Nanny0gg · 23/06/2021 13:58

Hit them where it hurts.

Take their phones away

Nanny0gg · 23/06/2021 14:02

@Macncheeseballs

It's a shame to get so upset about chocolate

It's a shame you haven't read the OP's posts

Nanny0gg · 23/06/2021 14:03

@Macncheeseballs

We don't have any rules like that in our house, all food can be eaten by anyone

It's not just food.

Brefugee · 23/06/2021 16:48

LOL at the ones telling OP to learn how to share. How about her DCs learn how to share? It isn't on to take the last of anything, or anything that is bought specifically for one person/occasion.

We didn't have this issue, but my friend did. And she just didn't buy anything nice for a whole month. Except for her. So the DCs would be having beans and chips, with fruit for desert or chicken breast and plain rice and veg etc etc, very plain sandwiches for packed lunch and own-brand cornflakes with UHT milk for breakfast. There were no snacks. Nothing they really really liked, just things they would tolerate. Then she bought a load of lovely snacks and let them see her put them in the cupboard. And when they went to raid the cupboard? it was only boxes with empty packets in.

Gradually they got nicer things introduced but no snacks for ages. It was fruit, or nothing. And eventually they learned their lesson because at the first sign of hogging everything or eating her dark chocolate, she got out the "plain and boring shopping list"

Brefugee · 23/06/2021 16:53

Macncheeseballs

We don't have any rules like that in our house, all food can be eaten by anyone

So if there was something that everyone in the family really really loved that is an absolute treat food (say, paté foie gras) and you went to town and bought some to be had with the Sunday dinner, and you could all have some. And one or two DCs just went in and pigged the lot, that is fine and not at all selfish and the kind of behaviour that is absolutely to carry over into your adult life?

Fuck that.

supersop60 · 23/06/2021 18:54

This thread has triggered me unexpectedly. My DM was strict with us regarding behaviour etc but she would ignore our boundaries ( she ate the bulk of my Easter egg when I was out of the room for eg) and just walk into the bathroom when I was in there (no locks).
OP - you need to reinforce your boundaries. Say to your DC

This behaviour is unacceptable
I want it to stop
If it doesn't stop xxx will happen.

And Follow Through. I agree with PP about not buying them snacks at all, and invading their privacy and taking their stuff. It needs to hurt, or it won't work. Good luck.

SmokeyDevil · 23/06/2021 21:19

LOL at the ones telling OP to learn how to share. How about her DCs learn how to share? It isn't on to take the last of anything, or anything that is bought specifically for one person/occasion.

Yep. Can see why teachers have issues these days, too many parents who won't say no or tell their kids off. Happy to let them take anything the kid wants without asking. But of course, their perfect little angels wouldn't do anything like this ever.

Jangle33 · 23/06/2021 21:25

They’re your children and you’re their mum. I’d never think they were stealing..,but to be fair my children have been brought up to ask if they want a snack etc. I wouldn’t think it’s stealing though if they didn’t.

Are their wider issues? You seem very bothered by this.

LawrenceChaney22 · 23/06/2021 21:34

The OP had literally said that it’s not just good her DC are taking, it’s more than that and they are ruining her personal belongings.

Some people are too focused on the fact the op said they are stealing which technically they are doing with her makeup ect...

Macncheeseballs · 23/06/2021 21:39

Brefugee, honestly that never happens in our house, no one binges on anything, there's never been any rules on food, if someone liked a particular 'treat', I'd just buy more, but we don't really call them treats