To think I shouldn’t have to feel like I need to lock my things up

[FedUpppp]

For some reason my possessions are a free for all and I’m sick of it

I’ve explained to the dc they can’t just help themselves to my things-yet they do. Repeatedly.
The consequences for this have been a telling off and having to replace items.

It happens with food (I’m vegan they aren’t yet they’ll eat my vegan chocolate and leave mine and not replace)
Make up will get taken from my room , used, not replaced.

Nobody asks to borrow ? They think it’s acceptable to go to someone else’s room / bag and take.

They’ve been taught about privacy and stealing yet this continues.

I dont see why I should now feel like I have to hide/lock things away ??
So I can’t have cold chocolate ss can’t leave it in the fridge.
Can’t leave my own things out in my own room.

I feel devalued almost as if they see me as a lesser person and they can take off me.
It’s only small items but I’ve had enough of it

@AvantGardening

Take their bedroom doors off. When you have privacy you can discuss them having some back.

Genius!

@FedUpppp
I’ve read the entire thread - lots of great remedies here.
My dad kept a wallet stuffed with cash my entire life - it never occurred to me to nick a pound or five or twenty, ever. Not at 11 or 15 or even as a poor uni student or young married. Not even when I moved back home to care for my parents at 50 after my dad had a stroke.
OTOH, every Christmas we used to receive a 2 & 1/2kg box of elegant, very expensive chocolates as a gift from one of Dad’s business associates - Mum would hold the box and allow us each 3 kids one piece. Then she’d hide the box and eat all the 2 & 1/2kgs by herself. I’d say there’s something a little bit disturbing about that…

To the PP that suggested she learn to share... FFS! Its ok to have stuff for yourself you know? I don't get this obsession with sharing. I don't share my lunch in the office so why do we force children to?

Id take their phones for 24 hours everytime they take your things. Every time.

Nothing hurts teenagers more than no phone!

I used to borrow my mums clothes, makeup, toiletries etc as a teen. Now I’m wondering if it bothered her, oops! She never mentioned it though.

You're not being strict enough. They are stealing, and you're rewarding them essentially with money.

I'd have emptied their bedrooms by now, barring the bed and other furniture. They'd be grounded, doors removed, and all possessions removed. They can keep any books, that would be it. All make up, phones, tvs, any consoles, anything electrical etc would all be in the attic by now. And they could apologise in a decent way, not blame anyone but themselves and earn it all back slowly, one day at a time. Every 24 hours of good behaviour, they get something back. Any bad behaviour, all removed again.

They don't give a shit about you, the eldest one definitely doesn't. You either crack down hard or they'll just keep walking all over you.

I'd start barging in their rooms without knocking etc, taking away treat food.

It's extremely selfish and self centred to eat the only vegan bar in the house that was bought for mum when there is other chocolate available for them to eat.

Time they realised what a lack of respect feels like!

How old are they? If 17 or older tell them they respect you or they move out. Their behaviour is disgusting when you are providing the roof over their heads.

I would say no more pocket money until they stop eating my chocolate.

@Boomisshiss

I wouldn’t regard my children eating my chocolate bar from their own house as stealing .

it's not about you though..

They don't respect You OP..

I kinda think food and the like lying around is to be shared but using my make up etc would really annoy me!

Subtract anything that goes missing from their pocket money.

Lock on your door.

Mini locker for the fridge that they can't get into or a small fridge for your room.

Good luck.

If the consequences aren't stopping the behaviour you up the consequences until they do.

"The consequences for this have been a telling off and having to replace items."

The consequences are not enough, since the behaviour continues.

"They choose their own snacks which I add to the shopping plus extras ! I get ONE small bar a week it’s the only food item that’s just for me !"

That's where I'd start. They've made you go without your one weekly treat, it's time for them to experience that. Next weekly shop, nothing for them. No snacks, no extras. I might even grit my teeth and do without mine that week too (after all, you've become used to doing without!).

Next up - the nail polish gone, the eye make up remover gone, the jewellery you can't find, the lipstick smashed up and ruined. What similar personal possessions do they value? Whatever it is, use it. Use it up, to a noticeable extent. If you have to scrape half an eyeshadow into the bin, do it. I think it is necessary for them to experience the feeling of having something taken from them before they will appreciate what they are doing.

Have you tried mirroring their behaviour? Wear their clothes. Use their favourite bath stuff. Eat food they'd kept back and then when they complain have a conversation about why it's wrong. They get it so much more easily if they have been on the receiving end.

We don't have any rules like that in our house, all food can be eaten by anyone

You're a mother and it's going to be hard to understand but saying you feel devalued seems like such a self absorbed thing to say over kids taking some make up and chocolate!

You may have taught them better but kids will continue to push boundaries. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, pay them in kind. Show them your serious! If they take your stuff, let them find you rooting around their room for 'whatever takes your fancy'. Buy extra vegan chocolate and stop their pocket money to cover the expenses.
Tbh, I would just be glad they are eating vegan rather than paying for non vegan!

My mother always pitied herself and I lost more and more respect for her so, while you the right to be angry about it, you may be having an adverse effect expecting kids/teens to act like adults.

YAB-somewhat-U.

@Mummabug18

You're a mother and it's going to be hard to understand but saying you feel devalued seems like such a self absorbed thing to say over kids taking some make up and chocolate!

You may have taught them better but kids will continue to push boundaries. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, pay them in kind. Show them your serious! If they take your stuff, let them find you rooting around their room for 'whatever takes your fancy'. Buy extra vegan chocolate and stop their pocket money to cover the expenses.
Tbh, I would just be glad they are eating vegan rather than paying for non vegan!

My mother always pitied herself and I lost more and more respect for her so, while you the right to be angry about it, you may be having an adverse effect expecting kids/teens to act like adults.

YAB-somewhat-U.

oh my gawd 🤔

It's a shame to get so upset about chocolate

As a parent I'm happy to share everything I have with my kids, I often do without....I remember my mum being exactly the same, she'd have given me the shirt off her back.

Having said that..I have been known to knick some if their chocolate Easter eggs when they're in bed (shhhh don't tell them!)

Is there something else going on @FedUpppp?
What’s your relationship like with your dc?
Seems that you are really angry over chocolate, so I just wondered about how things are generally.

This usually happens when they think they can get away with it. They start thinking that when consequences are either lacking or not followed completely through.
Simply find a severe consequences like confiscating all their electronics , and I mean all phones tablets PC's and apply locking passwords to yours and then tell them what you expect as improvement after one week. If they did what you expected after a week give back one item. Then do the same for the second week, etc. But most importantly: don't lock your stuff yet. They need to learn not to touch even though it's accessible and whatever you give as concequence: under no circumstance dilute or give in, follow through to the bitter end.

I have 4 DC, we all share food, very rarely have something that is just mine, noticed the gin I got for my birthday was very low earlier DH has been having a GandT most eveinings and I dont always want one, DD borrows my make up and lip balm, DDs borrows each others clothes and shoes, I have been known to eat some of DCs sweets or chocolates especially when Im cleaning their room! The only thing I really hate is when they use my tweezers and dont put them back particularly if DH uses them as a tool.
So ime sharing/borrowing is normal in families and its a bit more free and easy than it would be with anyone else.
Anyway I would hide my chocolate and anything precious, do they have their own choclolate/make up etc is that why they are tempted by yours, but I think you are being a bit dramatic

This weird. My DCs are early teens and wouldn't dream of taking anything without asking. Not because we are massively strict parents (in fact we're quite rubbish.....) but they just wouldn't. They have to ask before helping themselves to 'junk food' anyway - and they know that chocolate only comes out when the parents are watching TV...... (Unless it's their own Xmas or Easter chocolate, then it's us having to beg.....).

It's basic good manners/respect to ask before taking or borrowing someone's else's stuff. Your two are showing massive disrespect, especially as you've told them not to. I agree that you need serious sanctions, not just a lock - and you need to find a way to explain why this is so totally out of order. It may sound minor but I'd be horrified, purely because it is so far from what I'd consider normal.......