To think I shouldn’t have to feel like I need to lock my things up

[FedUpppp]

For some reason my possessions are a free for all and I’m sick of it

I’ve explained to the dc they can’t just help themselves to my things-yet they do. Repeatedly.
The consequences for this have been a telling off and having to replace items.

It happens with food (I’m vegan they aren’t yet they’ll eat my vegan chocolate and leave mine and not replace)
Make up will get taken from my room , used, not replaced.

Nobody asks to borrow ? They think it’s acceptable to go to someone else’s room / bag and take.

They’ve been taught about privacy and stealing yet this continues.

I dont see why I should now feel like I have to hide/lock things away ??
So I can’t have cold chocolate ss can’t leave it in the fridge.
Can’t leave my own things out in my own room.

I feel devalued almost as if they see me as a lesser person and they can take off me.
It’s only small items but I’ve had enough of it

[jessycake]

But the good news is if you bide your time they will get older , buy their own nice things and then you can get your own back.

[caspersmagicaljourney]

@pepsicolagirl

I would be shocked if my 11 or 15yr old did this and I don't think you're overreacting at all OP. At that age they are old enough to know it's wrong. Do they disrespect you in other areas too?

Totally agree, I'm shocked tbh.😲

In my house this behaviour would lead to serious loss of privileges and withdrawal of pocket money. Also I would expect an apology and replacement of the missing items.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

@Boomisshiss - regardless of whether you consider eating a chocolate bar that belongs to someone else to be theft, do you think it is acceptable behaviour for @FedUpppp‘s children to ignore the snacks they have chosen, and she has bought for them, and eat the one and ONLY plain chocolate bar that she, a vegan can eat? The one thing she buys as a treat for herself? When they KNOW she is a vegan and cannot eat any of the other snacks she’s bought for them. How is that an acceptable or respectful thing to do?

Would you do it? If another person living in your house had a specific dietary restriction/requirement, and had bought one item of food specifically for themselves, would you ignore all the other food that was suitable for you but not for them, and eat their one, special food?

I think it is a spectacularly dickish move, and not one I would accept from my dses. Just as I didn’t accept it when ds3 nicked money from my purse - he got an almighty bollocking, and I told him that, if it happened again, I would get our neighbour, who is a police officer, to read him the riot act.

Do you think it is acceptable for them to take and use/wear her toiletries, make up and jewellery ^despite having been asked REPEATEDLY not to do so? I think that, even if the item being borrowed is not a consumable - jewellery, for example, or clothes or hairdryer, the borrower should still ask the owner, unless the owner has given blanket permission - ds3 used to borrow my tweezers - I told him it was OK for him to s without asking, as long as he returned them straight away.

[crochetcrazy1978]

I had exactly the same with my daughter and it drove me mental. She’s better now generally (age 17) although I still hide my snacks 😂

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

It is also worth mentioning that, when they are going through adolescence, kids’ brains are actually rewiring, changing - and during this process, they can temporarily lose some abilities - empathy, impulse control, temper control, and the ability to see themselves as NOT the centre of the universe, and the only person in that universe who matters.

According to the author Charlie Taylor, in his book Divas and Doorslammers, this is akin to temporary brain damage - but the good news is that it is temporary, and once the changes settle down, they come back, largely or completely.

I went through this particularly with ds3 - honestly, there were times I didn’t think both of us would make it through his adolescent years unscathed - but I read some of this book, and it did help.

And he is now 24, and a thoughtful and respectful young man - so there is hope!

[birdseatworms]

I’d be strongly tempted to give them a taste of their own medicine by going into their rooms and taking something of theirs.

[sue69m]

Replace vegan chocolate with ex lax..
Can you not hide your make up away?

[Mollymoostoo]

Go into their rooms and use their things. They will soon get the point.

We had the same thing in our house till I started eating their sweets and using their toiletries. Soon stopped.

[thenovice]

I presume they are not earning yet? If so, you hold all the cards. Don't buy them ANYTHING they want or take them anywhere they want to go till this stops and a more respectful attitude is established. It can be hard to stick to, but so worth it, when they finally realise that you mean business and it's going to hurt them.
At the moment mine have lost all pocket money, as have not tidied up for weeks, despite me nagging. I don't want to nag any more. They have been warned that if things are not tidied up by this weekend, they will go in a bin bag and thence, to a more deserving owner. I will do it on Saturday. You cannot be treated like this in your own home.

[HotChocolateLover]

YANBU. My son has always had sticky fingers and has taken money in the past as well as a phone. The phone reappeared after two days but it was obvious it was him (won’t derail your thread with the details) You have my full sympathy @FedUpppp

[myfaceismyown]

I had exactly this problem OP. Star chart rewards, pocket money, threats etc only worked until age 10 ish. I also got to the point where I felt I needed to lock everything away. DH and I threatened to put a lock on our bedroom door, and as the DCs did not seem to believe we would, we did!
We made a real performance out if it.Discussing it in front of the DCS for a couple of weeks, how long it would take, how hard it would be, whether we needed to call in a joiner... On the day we got the DCS to watch us drilling the door and lining up the escutcheon, making it seem like a far bigger job than it was. I think it really gave them a wake up call.
Since then DD always asks if she can borrow anything from my room, and DS only ever goes in there for a nap in our big bed, and will straighten the bed afterwards, much to our surprise.
Funny thing is we have never had to lock it, just having a lock is enough.
On the food front its a bit more difficult. Generally its ok, but if my skinny 6 ft DS with special needs is hungry at a weird hour, he will eat whatever he sees first. We have just learned to live with it mainly as he owns up to eating whatever it is. I don't want him hiding food!
My only suggestion for your SS is to ask him which chocolate he likes so you both have a bar in the fridge, or as others have said, double up and have another chat about sharing.

[Bertiebiscuit]

Take all their stuff - snacks, sweets, toys I pads, t v etc and lock them in your room, see how they like it - they need to be punished in a way that makes the point

[Devora13]

We have a fridge freezer in the conservatory, conservatory door gets locked at night to prevent 'sleep eating' raids. I also resorted to getting pranks sweets and chocolate.to leave around to keep them on their toes.
Would a mini fridge for your bedroom fit? Also you can get locking door handles.

[Rachie1973]

@Boomisshiss

I wouldn’t regard my children eating my chocolate bar from their own house as stealing .

If you know it belongs to someone else and you take you’re stealing.

[Runmybathforme]

@Toebean

You have Dcs... its normal!

No it isn’t. Children should respect others privacy.

[Nearly47]

YANBU. I don't eat gluten so have my special bread and biscuits. The kids are quite respectfully but DH will empty my packet of gluten free biscuits in one go. I buy them for an occasional treat as they are expensive and high in sugar. It is very annoying. He replaces them but only after I go to eat them and there is none left

[Notenoughchocolateomg]

It's unacceptable behaviour. The first time it happens you reprimand and explain why its not allowed .the second time they are punished. My 6 and 8yo know not to go on my room or my handbag and one is sen. Start taking their phone chargers, tablets, anything that will really get the message home OP x

[Enko]

@Toebean
You have Dcs... its normal!

I am the mother of 4 age 17- 23 and this has never been normal for our family. So I would strongly disagre there

[Tired453]

I have younger dc who do this (various items from dressing table etc.) My older dd rummages through my wardrobe. Not such an issue with food though (yet).

I have a vanity case with a key if it is something in particular I don't want them to meddle with - various items of makeup etc. I lock it away. I have hidden the key.

I don't mind to a point but sometimes I do find it intrusive.

[10Cookie]

It’s time you started to give them a taste of their own medicine. Blatantly taking and using their “stuff” should get your point across in no time.

[randomkey123]

I had 3 teenage DDs at one point.

I also had a small electronic safe from Argos (was about £20) under the bed, in which I kept my perfume, make up, straighteners and shampoo.

Life's too short for policing teenagers. They act without thinking, not out of spite.

[1forAll74]

At these ages they should be understanding the rules about everything, they are not little kids now. How would they feel if someone snaffled some things from their room and it never got replaced,or even found. Strong words needed.

[StarryNight13]

My two children who are the same age ask before taking food, I’ve never really requested this, unless it’s junk food but it’s basic manners.
The other day my 15 year old came into the sitting room and asked if he could have the last smoothie because there was only one left, it’s a lack of respect.

[thelonghaul]

@AvantGardening Yes!!! Love this idea. They need to feel your pain in a way that's very much in their face.
Stealing is stealing.
They're being little s**ts

[notacooldad]

You have Dcs... its normal!
It really isn't. Not to the extent that Op is talking about.

My Dh and the children have never been in my bag even when I've give them permission. It's 'private' apparently.

Do you have someone in the family who can talk to them and explain how sad this making you?
How sad? Sad! More like really angry. Sad is just wet talk. The op is clearly a bit more than sad if she us having her things taken and feels devalued.