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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I shouldn’t have to feel like I need to lock my things up

258 replies

FedUpppp · 21/06/2021 10:04

For some reason my possessions are a free for all and I’m sick of it

I’ve explained to the dc they can’t just help themselves to my things-yet they do. Repeatedly.
The consequences for this have been a telling off and having to replace items.

It happens with food (I’m vegan they aren’t yet they’ll eat my vegan chocolate and leave mine and not replace)
Make up will get taken from my room , used, not replaced.

Nobody asks to borrow ? They think it’s acceptable to go to someone else’s room / bag and take.

They’ve been taught about privacy and stealing yet this continues.

I dont see why I should now feel like I have to hide/lock things away ??
So I can’t have cold chocolate ss can’t leave it in the fridge.
Can’t leave my own things out in my own room.

I feel devalued almost as if they see me as a lesser person and they can take off me.
It’s only small items but I’ve had enough of it

OP posts:
Orchidflower1 · 21/06/2021 10:25

You should not have to buy a lock and a mini fridge for your own house!! You’re not in a hmo/ student house!!

I think MUCH stricter consequences need to be provided. Blanket ban on pocket money the gradually earning it back. No tech, no outings with friends etc.

M0rT · 21/06/2021 10:25

It might be cheaper to get a lockable box for your fridge than a mini fridge.
I've seen them for people who are trying to diet.
I don't think your being unreasonable and instead of stopping money maybe you could take and not replace something of theirs they value if they don't respect the ban from now on?

BadGherkin · 21/06/2021 10:25

@Toebean - it is absolutely not normal for an 11 and 15 year old to repeatedly steal items after having it explained why they are not to take them.

I assume they have their own chocolate, makeup, etc, so I would be taking something of theirs every time they stole something. They can have it back if and when they replace your personal items.

Original poster
FedUpppp · 21/06/2021 10:27

@M0rT

It might be cheaper to get a lockable box for your fridge than a mini fridge. I've seen them for people who are trying to diet. I don't think your being unreasonable and instead of stopping money maybe you could take and not replace something of theirs they value if they don't respect the ban from now on?
I didn’t know these existed I’ll have a look for one !
OP posts:
Orchidflower1 · 21/06/2021 10:27

Do you have someone in the family who can talk to them and explain how sad this making you?

PicsInRed · 21/06/2021 10:27

Do they still have video games, tv, outings to friends?

Because none of that should be happening whilst stealing is still going on.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 21/06/2021 10:28

You could borrow their air pods or phone and not return it for a while. Sometimes people only learn when they experience from the other side. I do think though that kids see their mums as an extension of themselves so don't view it as wrong to borrow without asking.

khawk89 · 21/06/2021 10:32

I hate to do it but sometimes the only way my kids learn is if whatever is happening to them. I'd go into their rooms, take their chocolate and hide it somewhere. Make the point when they notice and get upset and hand them back the box.

Original poster
FedUpppp · 21/06/2021 10:33

@PicsInRed

Do they still have video games, tv, outings to friends?

Because none of that should be happening whilst stealing is still going on.

15 year old is currently grounded due to other behaviour until has earnt my trust back
OP posts:
Original poster
FedUpppp · 21/06/2021 10:34

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

You could borrow their air pods or phone and not return it for a while. Sometimes people only learn when they experience from the other side. I do think though that kids see their mums as an extension of themselves so don't view it as wrong to borrow without asking.
Yes that’s very much the feeling I get is that they naturally assume what’s mine is theirs
OP posts:
Birkie248 · 21/06/2021 10:34

I sympathise..... I have also been driven to the point where I threaten to get a box or a lock on a cupboard as if you leave any chocolate or fizzy pop in the fridge it gets eaten within the hour.
I also feel like I shouldn’t have to lock my stuff up so I haven’t done it yet.

I have however gone absolutely nuts to the main offender. I buy ‘mine’ and ‘theirs’. I go on and on about only taking your fair share. They have been bollocked for rooting through my handbag.
I write my name on my chocolate now and do hide it. I also hide my expensive shower gels and lotions (ie my presents) and make sure their is plenty ‘standard’ stuff out for them to use.

CrystalMaisie · 21/06/2021 10:36

Outside of this issue, do you have a close, happy relationship with your children and their father?

letitgogogo · 21/06/2021 10:40

Do they appear remorseful at all, do they say it won't happen again or do they not care when you talk to them about it?

Original poster
FedUpppp · 21/06/2021 10:41

@CrystalMaisie

Outside of this issue, do you have a close, happy relationship with your children and their father?
Yes things are actually ok, but this is really getting me down lately

I’ll go to do my nails-nail polish gone-go to dd room and it’s all used up and remainder open so gone all gloopy and unusable

I’ll buy them loads of snacks they eat them all I have one bar of dark chocolate they then eat that too knowing full well it’s mine

I’ll go to take off make up - eye make up remover gone- can’t find it then eventually the empty bottle turns up in a bin

Go to wear some jewellery can’t find pieces I want then will see dd wearing it

Go to put on lipstick - gone- find it a month later shoved behind a cupboard and it’s been smashed up in the tube and ruined??

And just loads of similar things

OP posts:
PattyPan · 21/06/2021 10:41

Have there been any consequences for them other than you telling them off? As it sounds like the telling off hasn’t had much of an effect.

megletthesecond · 21/06/2021 10:41

That's really shitty of them to take your vegan food. I'm GF and mine do know they don't touch my food. DD steals everything else though.

Original poster
FedUpppp · 21/06/2021 10:42

@letitgogogo

Do they appear remorseful at all, do they say it won't happen again or do they not care when you talk to them about it?
Dd 11 was tearful about a couple of things I think she’s realising more it’s not ok. Older dd seems more to believe she deserves nice things more than I do that’s the impression I get
OP posts:
Original poster
FedUpppp · 21/06/2021 10:43

@PattyPan

Have there been any consequences for them other than you telling them off? As it sounds like the telling off hasn’t had much of an effect.
Loss of pocket money to cover replacements
OP posts:
bloodyhell19 · 21/06/2021 10:44

I wouldn't do tit for tat, but I would look at stripping out their "luxuries" - games, tablets, phones, laptops etc - as punishment. And if privacy doesn't rate highly enough for them, they can do without bedroom doors. That is outrageous behaviour - I thought you were talking about younger kids, not an 11 & 15 year old. I'd stop giving an automatic right to privacy tbh if they can't respect yours. That goes both ways and they won't learn that until they lose it.

YelloYelloYello · 21/06/2021 10:48

@AvantGardening

Take their bedroom doors off. When you have privacy you can discuss them having some back.
I hope you’re joking. This is such a dick move. Put in place consequences yes - but don’t take their personal privacy away, that’s just gross.
BlackeyedSusan · 21/06/2021 10:48

When you find the answer, let me know.

Yes told off,
Yes lost pocket money,
No change in behaviour yet.

DoNotEat · 21/06/2021 10:49

Sounds awful.
Not only using your stuff but mushing lipstick etc.
Very disrespectful.

BlackeyedSusan · 21/06/2021 10:51

You can get minifridges with a lock and key.
Get a locking cupboard too.

canigooutyet · 21/06/2021 10:52

Girls by any chance? 😂

Mine pulled this crap until one day I had enough and stopped respecting their privacy.

I'd spoken to them. Their brothers and other family members had spoken to them. I know they had done school work around privacy, possessions, respect etc.

The first time I barged in without knocking they went ape shit. Told them oh thought we had done with the whole door knocking thing. When they started with the but, but, buts. I told them but what? I've decided to try things their way. Then one night over dinner I randomly mentioned I was thinking about removing doors as they seem pointless.

I would randomly walk in and take their stuff whether they was there or not. They come home from school and I'd be wearing their stuff. Didn't take long for them to stop when I had the audacity to wear something new! Stretching things out a bit didn't bother them as they liked things loose/baggy.

Like you I have my own treats. I gave theirs away and didn't replace.

I just figured how could they understand how it feels to have your privacy invaded and not respected when they hadn't felt it.

LaurieFairyCake · 21/06/2021 10:54

My daughter took my foundation once when she was 14/15 - it was one of those baked palettes you wipe across the pad - so basically she'd (grimly Envy) used the pad in it

I made her replace it out her birthday money - it was hugely expensive (£60) and she kicked off massively, all of which I ignored

She never touched any of my things again Grin