To think I shouldn’t have to feel like I need to lock my things up

[FedUpppp]

For some reason my possessions are a free for all and I’m sick of it

I’ve explained to the dc they can’t just help themselves to my things-yet they do. Repeatedly.
The consequences for this have been a telling off and having to replace items.

It happens with food (I’m vegan they aren’t yet they’ll eat my vegan chocolate and leave mine and not replace)
Make up will get taken from my room , used, not replaced.

Nobody asks to borrow ? They think it’s acceptable to go to someone else’s room / bag and take.

They’ve been taught about privacy and stealing yet this continues.

I dont see why I should now feel like I have to hide/lock things away ??
So I can’t have cold chocolate ss can’t leave it in the fridge.
Can’t leave my own things out in my own room.

I feel devalued almost as if they see me as a lesser person and they can take off me.
It’s only small items but I’ve had enough of it

@Brefugee that’s out of order. We all do things differently. I agree with @Macncheeseballs.

The behaviour of the dds is annoying, yes, but the responses here are frankly ridiculous.
Communication as always is key in any relationship. Imho the op needs to, you know, talk to her children.
And keep talking.

The point isn't the chocolate. The point is the chocolate and everything else.

Most families, probably, manage not to have this as an issue. Certainly in RL I only know of the one - and it came on suddenly in teenage years and was rapidly nipped in the bud.

So what OP needs us sensible suggestions (not "take their doors off" or "put up with it, it's normal") because she wants it to stop.

@RickOShay

And absolute at teenagers knowing better Thats kind of the whole point of teenagers

Do your teenagers seriously not know that they shouldn't steal? That's a tad concerning.

To them, it's not stealing. As far as they're concerned, it's mum's so that doesn't count.

@Nanny0gg

To them, it's not stealing. As far as they're concerned, it's mum's so that doesn't count.

When you've been told not to take something and still do, that's stealing. They are old enough to understand that. Or at least they should understand that. If your kids still do it, it's because you aren't teaching them right, it's nothing to do with their age. It's all on the parenting, or rather lack of.

@SmokeyDevil
Yes thank you for your concern. I don’t consider it stealing. You do.
And that’s ok. I do think however that you are not going to stop undesirable behaviour by taking away their bedroom door.
Communication is vital. The op needs to talk to her daughters, repeatedly if nessecary.

Communication is vital. The op needs to talk to her daughters, repeatedly if nessecary.

And say what? 'Don't take my stuff'? That hasn't worked so far.

No evidently not. Family counselling might be the way forward here.

@RickOShay

No evidently not. Family counselling might be the way forward here.

Or something old fashioned like consequences?

So when asked what the consequences were when they took OP’s stuff, she responded by saying ‘I tell them off’.

This is not a consequence, this is doing nothing and it clearly doesn’t work. You should not get a mini fridge nor a lock on your door, but punish the bad behaviour.

Stop pocket money
Remove phones or iPads
Turn WiFi off
Ground them
Make,them go to the shop and replace what they have taken
Stop hobbies for a week
Ground them

Take your pick of the above OP and ensure they know you mean business.

Not in my opinion no NannyOgg. Something isn’t right in this family dynamic, which isn’t going to be helped by ‘consequences’

Take their phones, see how they like you helping yourself to ‘their’ stuff (that you pay for!) This would drive me nuts. I remember mum telling me not to go in her drawers and I stopped, I just didn’t realise that she was entitled to privacy/not share everything she had.

There’s a omen very odd households out there.
There’s some overly harsh sanctions.
There’s really odd ‘my chocolate’ in a family house.

Teenagers borrowing your makeup is not stealing, it’s borrowing. Just as digging in their coin jar to find parking coins used to be.

Eating chocolate is eating chocolate regardless of whether it’s vegan or not. Buy all vegan for everyone and problem is solved.

If something is particularly precious, just ask them.

Teenagers borrowing your makeup is not stealing, it’s borrowing

When you borrow something, you give it back in its original condition or replace it. You can't give back make-up once it's been used, and they don't replace it. Instead op discovers the remains in an unusable condition.

If something is particularly precious, just ask them.

Why should op have to ask to have her personal possessions respected? How about the dds ask if they can use her stuff?

There’s really odd ‘my chocolate’ in a family house.

Having treats in the house that belong to a certain person isn’t weird at all. If it was chocolate OP had been given for her birthday would you still think she should be sharing it?

I have 3dd's and my eldest is terrible for helping herself to my things. It gets very frustrating when you go to use something and find it empty.

” There’s really odd ‘my chocolate’ in a family house.”

”Eating chocolate is eating chocolate regardless of whether it’s vegan or not. Buy all vegan for everyone and problem is solved.”

Firstly, when everyone in the house has plenty of treats - chosen by them - to eat, and one person in the house has only one treat thst they can eat, the people with lots of treats are bloody selfish if they eat the only treat that the one person can have, @LemonRoses .

And secondly, vegan chocolate is more expensive than regular chocolate, so @FedUpppp may not be able to afford to buy the treats the family want, if they are all vegan.

Thirdly, the behaviour of the OP’s dc does suggest that, even if all the treats were vegan, they would still eat the last one even if they knew for sure that the OP hadn’t had any treats yet.

And as I (and other posters) said earlier in the thread, no-one likes the colleague or flatmate who nicks other people’s food from communal fridges, and these children will grow up to be those colleagues/flatmates unless they are taught that everything under the roof is not common property!

I’m damn sure they’d be pissed off if someone took their things and ate them all up/didn’t return them - but they don’t see their mum as as much of a person as they are. Their feelings would be entirely valid - hers are routinely ignored - which is, in itself, hurtful.

@RickOShay

Not in my opinion no NannyOgg. Something isn’t right in this family dynamic, which isn’t going to be helped by ‘consequences’

The only thing 'not right' is the children's disrespect of their mother's possessions.

I don't think that needs counselling, it needs consequences if they refuse to listem

It's all about respect. I would imagine if the kids asked if they could use her makeup or have some chocolate then she may say yes. Helping themselves without asking is an entirely different thing!

And why is that?
What’s going on beneath the surface for it to erupt into taking stuff?

@RickOShay - I suspect that part of it is the teenage inability too see themselves as not the centre of everything.

Apparently during adolescence, the brain is actually changing - rewiring - and during that process, teenagers lose some abilities - empathy, impulse control, sense of proportion (ie. knowing they are not centre of the universe) temper control etc. The writer of the book Divas and Doorslammers, Charlie Taylor, describes it as almost a form of temporary brain damage - the good news being it is temporary, and once the changes are done and things settle down, most of them come back.

I can absolutely see how this would lead to kids having difficulty realising how selfish their behaviour is, when they eat the only treat that’s in the house for their mum, despite there being plenty of others for them, or borrowing and using up/ruining her toiletries/make up.

So is it stealing if I eat a chocolate from a box of chocolates gifted to my dh?

I would actually argue to those who wail that it's just teenagers being teenagers and to not be so mean that there can be a serious issue. When does it become OK for the DC to believe there is anyone on the world who does not deserve to be treated with consideration?. Not Mum , not grandma not anyone should be treated as if their wishes are less than yours.

My Dsis is mostly batshit and we don't at all see eye to eye. That said her DD started taking her makeup and clothes and ruining them. Rightly Dsis got cross. When she put in sanctions our DM claimed it was normal for DD to behave like that and Mum should be the one person who put up with it (which incidentally is total rubbish , she would never have let us do it ).

Dsis very sensibly said it would've been lazy parenting of her to hide behind that. That her job was to teach DD that everyone had the same rights over personal possessions. There was no such special rule that certain people could be treated as if they were less important. She agreed it was only makeup or whatever but it meant that no her DD didn't think but it meant she needed to parent and teach her because that's where entitlement came from. She was absolutely dead on (and believe me I am the last person to defend Dsis).

For a batshit borderline delusional sister she is an excellent mum. I was impressed and teach my DC the same. I may be Mum and yes I will probably forgive you more than most but don't treat me as if I am not a person in my own right with the same rights as you. OP is absolutely right to come down on this. Claiming DC can take what they like from a parent is just lazy. I rarely say that really but it is. Its not easy and I know it took a good while for DN to get the message but she did.

Dock their pocket money by the value of the stolen item plus a fine

But if there is a general feeling of happiness and mutual respect it wouldn’t be happening in the first place.
It’s a symptom of things not being quite right, which is why heaping anger and punishments on the dds is probably going to be counter productive.
They need to talk.