To think I shouldn’t have to feel like I need to lock my things up

[FedUpppp]

For some reason my possessions are a free for all and I’m sick of it

I’ve explained to the dc they can’t just help themselves to my things-yet they do. Repeatedly.
The consequences for this have been a telling off and having to replace items.

It happens with food (I’m vegan they aren’t yet they’ll eat my vegan chocolate and leave mine and not replace)
Make up will get taken from my room , used, not replaced.

Nobody asks to borrow ? They think it’s acceptable to go to someone else’s room / bag and take.

They’ve been taught about privacy and stealing yet this continues.

I dont see why I should now feel like I have to hide/lock things away ??
So I can’t have cold chocolate ss can’t leave it in the fridge.
Can’t leave my own things out in my own room.

I feel devalued almost as if they see me as a lesser person and they can take off me.
It’s only small items but I’ve had enough of it

@Boomisshiss

I wouldn’t regard my children eating my chocolate bar from their own house as stealing .

It’s not just a chocolate bar though, it’s the only one in the house that the OP can eat and the children know it upsets their mother. Yet they still do it, despite their being alternatives for them..

Yep time for consequences. Like everyone else says they need a taste of their own medicine I'm afraid. You've tried talking, you've gotten cross, they don't care so it continues.

I'd also stop buying treats/chocolate for them. They can have carrot sticks until they learn some respect.

I would never have taken anything at all from the fridge without asking first and wouldn't have dreamt of entering anyone else's bedroom/wardrobe let alone borrowing stuff without asking. .I have brought my Dsd up in the same way. It is all about respect and boundaries. I cannot understand the posters who think it is ok to eat their mother's one treat and to use her things without asking.

@canigooutyet

Girls by any chance? 😂

Mine pulled this crap until one day I had enough and stopped respecting their privacy.

I'd spoken to them. Their brothers and other family members had spoken to them. I know they had done school work around privacy, possessions, respect etc.

The first time I barged in without knocking they went ape shit. Told them oh thought we had done with the whole door knocking thing. When they started with the but, but, buts. I told them but what? I've decided to try things their way. Then one night over dinner I randomly mentioned I was thinking about removing doors as they seem pointless.

I would randomly walk in and take their stuff whether they was there or not. They come home from school and I'd be wearing their stuff. Didn't take long for them to stop when I had the audacity to wear something new! Stretching things out a bit didn't bother them as they liked things loose/baggy.

Like you I have my own treats. I gave theirs away and didn't replace.

I just figured how could they understand how it feels to have your privacy invaded and not respected when they hadn't felt it.

Yep, this is what I would do. Including a lock on your door so the roles are completely reversed. You didn't go into theirs, now they definitely can't get into yours but start going into theirs. And say well you had privacy and I didn't so now we have swopped until you decide it is ok for us all to have it. And I would do as above and blatantly walk in and just take anything to annoy the shit out of them.

Mine do this, including eating the special diet cake I occasionally buy myself (even if I’ve bought a normal cake for them to eat AND asked them not to eat mine).
There’s not a thing I can do about it because my husband won’t back me up. Telling them not to do it has no effect because there are no consequences. I can’t stop their pocket money because he gives it to them whatever they’ve done. He’s just too soft, plus he does it himself - he takes or throws away things that belong to me. I feel completely disrespected in my own home - like you say, a lesser person.

I think this needs to have been started from when they were much younger - not just ‘mum as an entity for them’ but a person in your own right.

Mum would have gone mental if I’d used her things! Lovely relationship and she would have always let me use something if I had asked, but no way would she have tolerated me going into her room or through her things.

They choose their own snacks which I add to the shopping plus extras !

I'd stop doing this. If they don't think you have any right to treats then why should you fund theirs?

My parents were quite strict and I wouldn't have got away with this.

Looks like canigooutyet has nailed it for you.

FictionalCharacter you know you have to do something about this don't you? You cannot live with a man who constantly undermines you and shows no respect. I think if you get rid of the husband you'll find the children improve!

@FictionalCharacter What have you said about this disrespectful behavior to your husband? I think I'd make that a hill to die on-lack of unity with parenting and personal disrespect? I'd walk out.

My youngest sister did this type of shit to me,OP without any consequences from my ineffective parents-I wish I had extracted revenge when my parents were out of the house-I think she would've stopped stealing makeup and clothing if I taught her a lesson once or twice

@Toebean not normal at all, growing up we had a pantry and could help ourselves as older children to crisps/snacks etc. But the shelf with mums nice bits on we’re not for us and we respected that.

I agree with@ChloeCrocodile - no treats at all would be bought for them for a fortnight. My children are far from perfect, but my DS who loves chocolate would never take DD's special FF chocolate because he knows she cannot eat anything else. He'll cadge chocolate from his dad, but he'd never ask, let alone take hers.
15 is more than old enough to know this.

As a mother of three daughters I can sympathise completely! I have to rummage round three bedrooms looking for my basic things. Deodorant, bronzer, eyeliner, perfume etc. It drives me mad!

I started stealing my teenage daughters stuff so she had to perform a nice little treasure hunt every time she got ready. She soon got the idea. I have no issues with my girls helping themselves to my products but I have an issue when I can’t even find them.

My 17 year old does this. I'm forever hunting for make-up, hairspray, hairbrushes. If it's missing, it'll be in her room.

Once, I went in early morning, rustling around and she told me off for coming in and I said, well, stop taking my stuff then I won't have to!

When I was a teen my dad used to put any chocolate in a locked box. My siblings and I just couldn't help ourselves, we'd eat it all otherwise. I know that's terrible, I feel embarrassed now.

Oh bloody hell, @FictionalCharacter, how awful.

Short term - buy yourself a safe and keep the combination and override keys to yourself. I have one to keep passports, wallets, cash etc in. Got it from B&Q.

Longer term - I think you should reassess your relationship. It's no way to live.

@FictionalCharacter What have you said about this disrespectful behavior to your husband? I think I'd make that a hill to die on-lack of unity with parenting and personal disrespect? I'd walk out.

I don’t know that I’d walk out but the unity thing is hugely important and I think this is highlighted here.

They sound really disrespectful. They need firmer consequences. My 5yo ds would never take something of mine without asking if he has been told not to take. I can't believe an 11 and 15yo are doing this.

@AvantGardening

Take their bedroom doors off. When you have privacy you can discuss them having some back.

I agree. I'm normally very against this but if the issue is them not respecting private then... we'll... say goodbye to it

Something like this with their prized possessions inside.

Kitchen Safe Time Locking Container (Medium), Timed Lock Box for Cell Phones, Snacks, and Other unwanted Temptations (White Lid + 14cm Clear Base) https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00E9J3MLM/ref=cmswwrcppapiglttfabc6462WAYYABA8QN2MB624??encoding=UTF8&psc=1

@canigooutyet

Excellent action.

I have found that sometimes speaking to teens just doesn't work.

Personally I would absolutely go MENTAL if anyone went into our room and removed anything without asking.

Two girls and boys and they must know that about me because it is not an issue.

Our bedroom is fully out of bounds and we all knock on doors too.

The food thing has been rockier.
People eating more than their share, me finding a box of my chocolates, an expensive gift to me just vanished.

I bough absolutely NOTHING nice for two weeks.
Halved for food bill!!! Which was interesting but bought absolutely nothing that had even a whiff of treat about it.

Obviously the troops were complaining and devastated but I kep repeating it was the consequence for the rudeness of pissing off the food shopper.

It never happened again.

I firmly believe children/teens only adjust their behaviour through self interest.

OP,
Stop pocket money, stop buying anything nice and tell them it will continue until they get it.
If you find ANYTHING missing from your room, clear hers of lots of her bits and pu them in the boot of your car.

Personally I would consider it a failure to have to lock things away, initially easier but long term they need to learn not to do this and be respectful of the stuff of others.

I expect they don’t see it as stealing at all. By only ever telling them off (meh: for many kids, they don’t really care, words 🤷🏻‍♀️) and making them pay for a replacement, you may have unwittingly taught them that you’re a “shop”.

It’s OK to take mum’s chocolate, I just have to pay her back for it after.

No way would I be resorting yet to locking my things away.

I would clearly re-iterate that NOTHING that was mine was to be taken without asking. I would ban them outright from my bedroom. I would instigate them temporarily having to ask before helping themselves to ANY food, just to “help” them avoid taking mine.

This would be in place for 2 weeks before I considered removing the “asking for own food” situation. During that 2 week period, food would not mean treat food. They have to ask for an apple, but there’d be no chocolate and crisps type items in my food shop.

If they break the rules, don’t let them “buy” the stolen item from you. Dock the entire week of pocket money. Remove their personal items.

Take their treasure. It mysteriously disappears in the middle of the night; phones, xboxes, games, tablets, favourite T-shirt, scooter.

Next day, the ransom letter arrives....

@2bazookas

Take their treasure. It mysteriously disappears in the middle of the night; phones, xboxes, games, tablets, favourite T-shirt, scooter.

Next day, the ransom letter arrives....

This * Oh, and change the WiFi password and they can only get it back when they have done their chores.