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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I shouldn’t have to feel like I need to lock my things up

258 replies

FedUpppp · 21/06/2021 10:04

For some reason my possessions are a free for all and I’m sick of it

I’ve explained to the dc they can’t just help themselves to my things-yet they do. Repeatedly.
The consequences for this have been a telling off and having to replace items.

It happens with food (I’m vegan they aren’t yet they’ll eat my vegan chocolate and leave mine and not replace)
Make up will get taken from my room , used, not replaced.

Nobody asks to borrow ? They think it’s acceptable to go to someone else’s room / bag and take.

They’ve been taught about privacy and stealing yet this continues.

I dont see why I should now feel like I have to hide/lock things away ??
So I can’t have cold chocolate ss can’t leave it in the fridge.
Can’t leave my own things out in my own room.

I feel devalued almost as if they see me as a lesser person and they can take off me.
It’s only small items but I’ve had enough of it

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 21/06/2021 10:54

That's totally out of order, YANBU OP. You shouldn't have to lock up your possessions

VettiyaIruken · 21/06/2021 10:55

Locks will pass an important message

As would taking their stuff. Well, I don't see why you're cross, you feel that it's ok to take my belongings, so surely you think it's fine for me to take yours.

And when they say it's not ok. Ask them to explain why it's different. And don't stop asking.

That's what I'd do. I'm sure some with think it's childish but giving someone a taste of their own medicine and forcing them to give a reason why it's fine for them to do but you are wrong really gets the message across because it's a position they simply cannot defend.

Boomisshiss · 21/06/2021 10:57

I wouldn’t regard my children eating my chocolate bar from their own house as stealing .

PattyPan · 21/06/2021 10:58

@Boomisshiss they are taking something they know belongs to someone else, how is that not stealing just because it’s chocolate?

Melitza · 21/06/2021 10:59

@Boomisshiss

I wouldn’t regard my children eating my chocolate bar from their own house as stealing .
You would if they had already eaten milk chocolate and you were vegan and they took the only, expensive, chocolate available to you.
Boomisshiss · 21/06/2021 11:00

@Melitza I most certainly would not .

Kjr33 · 21/06/2021 11:02

Maybe older dd needs to find a job to realise how many hours work are needed to simply buy a nice lipstick or whatever? If that’s not possible maybe you can have an honest discussion about your finances and how once all the bills are paid you only have x amount left to buy yourself treats that you deserve. I always wanted a girl to share make up with etc so maybe I’m being too soft but there could be some give and take? At 15 she should be able to know some items she can have a try with but not others without permission? Younger girl sounds sorry so I’d go easy. Maybe keep some things in the bathroom that are for everyone to use (respectfully and nicely!) but others are in a drawer in your room and they may ask if they want a try.

TurtleBay28 · 21/06/2021 11:04

That's out of order and not on at all.
It's selfish.

I wouldn't dream of touching my mums things. When she would say as a child yes we could have some money for the shops I always brought her purse to her. Never went in it or her bag.

Certainly never took her make up. It's just rude.

Reallybadidea · 21/06/2021 11:05

@Boomisshiss

I wouldn’t regard my children eating my chocolate bar from their own house as stealing .
Would taking your bank card (from their own house) and using it be OK too?
Boomisshiss · 21/06/2021 11:07

If you can’t see the different between eating food that’s in the fridge and stealing someone’s bank card im not sure I can help you .

Original poster
FedUpppp · 21/06/2021 11:08

@Boomisshiss

I wouldn’t regard my children eating my chocolate bar from their own house as stealing .
They choose their own snacks which I add to the shopping plus extras !

I get ONE small bar a week it’s the only food item that’s just for me !

OP posts:
Lou898 · 21/06/2021 11:09

I would be tempted to go and take some of their belongings and see if they understand what it feels like to be on the receiving end if they are not stopping once confronted about it. It may make them realise that it is a total invasion of privacy to have personal items taken and used.
Be prepared for an initial explosion before realisation sets in though.

yikesanotherbooboo · 21/06/2021 11:09

I don't think this is Normal at all.
I am pretty easy going but I don't expect people to help themselves to things and they don't. It is a matter of respect.
I think I would have a conversation with them about your expectations but also to find out why they think it is acceptable.

Reallybadidea · 21/06/2021 11:13

@Boomisshiss

If you can’t see the different between eating food that’s in the fridge and stealing someone’s bank card im not sure I can help you .
I guess you're struggling to articulate the difference then.
Orchidflower1 · 21/06/2021 11:25

Could your dh not actually talk to them. Adding locks and boxed locks is really not a healthy way to live with NT children.

The locking of boxes doesn’t actually STOP the actual ISSUE. It stops The END RESULT. The ISSUE is lack of respect and care for their own mother.

You need support from dh to get this sorted. You said yourself that the eldest is already grounded for another issue.

The locked box is a sticking plaster for a bigger issue.

Topseyt · 21/06/2021 11:26

Tell them that if they don't start respecting your privacy and your things then you will remove their bedroom doors and start helping yourself to their stuff.

Yes to the lock for the your bedroom door and the locked box for the fridge.

What do you do currently if you spot your DD wearing your jewellery? I'd make her take it off immediately and go and put it away.

SpindleWhorl · 21/06/2021 11:31

Going in your mum's bag when you've been told not to do that, ever, and eating your mum's special, particular, diet-specific bar of vegan chocolate when you've been asked not to do that is selfish and shitty behaviour.

I can see why the OP is so upset. It's very destabilising in a family environment as it causes friction and erodes trust.

Teenagers can be very resentful and selfish. But they do appreciate boundaries - well, they will when they're older.

Londontown12 · 21/06/2021 11:42

This is why I have a lock on bedroom door !! X

WorraLiberty · 21/06/2021 11:44

@Toebean

You have Dcs... its normal!
No it really isn't normal to have such disrespectful, disobedient DC.

Well not unless they're still 5 years old.

Tangledtresses · 21/06/2021 11:45

@canigooutyet

Girls by any chance? 😂

Mine pulled this crap until one day I had enough and stopped respecting their privacy.

I'd spoken to them. Their brothers and other family members had spoken to them. I know they had done school work around privacy, possessions, respect etc.

The first time I barged in without knocking they went ape shit. Told them oh thought we had done with the whole door knocking thing. When they started with the but, but, buts. I told them but what? I've decided to try things their way. Then one night over dinner I randomly mentioned I was thinking about removing doors as they seem pointless.

I would randomly walk in and take their stuff whether they was there or not. They come home from school and I'd be wearing their stuff. Didn't take long for them to stop when I had the audacity to wear something new! Stretching things out a bit didn't bother them as they liked things loose/baggy.

Like you I have my own treats. I gave theirs away and didn't replace.

I just figured how could they understand how it feels to have your privacy invaded and not respected when they hadn't felt it.

Ha yes best way to do it 😀 I did this with my teens too... they stopped immediately

Especially the clothes one...

canigooutyet · 21/06/2021 11:45

@Boomisshiss

I wouldn’t regard my children eating my chocolate bar from their own house as stealing .
By this logic they can help themselves to anything in their own house and do as they want with it
BountyIsUnderrated · 21/06/2021 11:47

Sounds like they need stricter consequences.
If they take something away you take away something valuable, e.g computer, consoles, phones etc.
They don't get it back until they apologise and give whatever has been taken back, or stop stealing.
I would not tolerate my child behaving this way, it is a major lack of respect.

WorraLiberty · 21/06/2021 11:47

@Boomisshiss

If you can’t see the different between eating food that’s in the fridge and stealing someone’s bank card im not sure I can help you .
To be fair, I think you're the one who needs help to understand here.
Bigtruth · 21/06/2021 11:48

Hi OP, I think very obviously YANBU to feel this way but it seems from your posts that the best way to resolve this would be to start punishing the behaviour.

I could be wrong but it sounds like they get told off and then made to pay for the stolen item, that's not any punishment at all.
Punishment should act as a deterrent, having to pay for something is not a deterrent, nor is being yelled at.
They take something of yours, you take something of theirs, something they value.
Locking things away will just make them industrious, parenting is the only way out of this, that or time.

Branleuse · 21/06/2021 11:50

its really bloody upsetting isnt it. I think its one of the worst things about being a mother. Feeling like nothing is actually mine anymore. I think I probably did it to my mum too