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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset for my daughter

154 replies

Theblacksheepandme · 21/06/2021 06:40

My daughter is friends with a group of five girls. They are not close friends but meet up once a year through parents organising this. They also stay in touch through social media. There is a reason for the meet up but it is personal. One of the Mums sent me a text about a month ago asking if my daughter would be free to spend a week at her house and she was going to ask all the other girls also. I asked my daughter and she was quite excited and jumped at the chance. I told her my daughter would love to go and thanked her for the invite. She informed me that she would let me know further details when she heard back from everyone else. Today my daughter was on social media and could see the girls together at this Mums house having a great time and posting pictures. I told her to send a message asking why she didn't know about this as she would like to have been there. The Mums daughter acted clueless and said she didn't know. I later received this text from the Mum. I have put fake names in place of real names. One of the other girls was not there but because her Mum said she couldn't go. AIBU that she shouldn't have sent me an invite if she was then going to do this?. She should have thought about how many her car can carry before sending an invite out to all these girls parents. I assumed she had a people carrier based on the invite to all. It looks like she needed to drop one of the girls in order to fit four in and my daughter was the one dropped. It may be that she asked her daughter to pick who she wanted. I think this should have been done in the first place and send invites out to the four girls her daughter wanted. This would have spared my daughters hurt feelings. She would still have seen photos but she would have understood that sometimes it doesn't have to include her. I want to reply to this text but want it to be civil. My daughter is not at all confrontational and does not want to upset anyone. It is important for her to remain in contact with these girls. I had doubts even to say yes to her going as this woman has in the past been quite passive aggressive with me and my husband. Below is the text. Sorry for the long rant.

Anna is more than welcome, Lucy hope to come later in the summer, so we'll plan for that. I have room for four in my car so could not have all at the same time as there is just me! Justine is a bit iffy about Covid but I'm sure we'll have them down.I am more than happy to have Anna come!

OP posts:
Lulu1919 · 21/06/2021 06:53

I can understand how you must both feel...was this the week stay or just a play date day ?
It's a shame the mum didn't message and say there's a car issue but if you could drop her off....but then maybe if it was the weeks stay getting the children around might have been tricky .
I'm sure this wasn't personal but it must feel it is ....

RedHelenB · 21/06/2021 07:07

Don't understand the list but judging from the text she's planning something else for you daughter and some other friends?

Icecreamsoda99 · 21/06/2021 07:12

It was pretty insensitive for the mum not to get in touch and explain prior to the meet-up/stay. I think it be best to give a breezy, non passive aggressive reply. Then let your daughter talk through her feeling with you so she can unpack her emotions and acknowledge her hurt without it becoming a drama with these other girls.

I'm guessing there is some sort of back story, if it's so important for her to remain in contact with these girls, though to be fair it doesn't seem to be the girls excluding her but the thoughtless mother!

Sirzy · 21/06/2021 07:18

If your child is old enough for social media then she is probably also old enough for her friendships to not be micromanaged by you.

Nothing has been set in stone and there seems to still be a plan to meet as originally intended so I don’t really get the issue.

Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 21/06/2021 07:19

Lulu1919
It was the week stay. Thanks for your understanding.

RedHelenB
She only mentioned about planning something else when my daughter asked her daughter why she didn't know about all the girls being at her house for the week now. What is it you don't understand and I will try to explain?

OP posts:
3Britnee · 21/06/2021 07:22

Offer to drive her over there and see what she says.

Howshouldibehave · 21/06/2021 07:27

Did you misunderstand the original invite and she was planning to have all of the girls over but not necessarily all at once?

A week long stay is a long time!

CeeceeBloomingdale · 21/06/2021 07:34

Is it not term time? Depending on where you are are there restrictions eg rule of 6? I think she meant she would have them all but not at once.

Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 21/06/2021 07:36

Icecreamsoda99
Thanks for the understanding. Any advice on what a breezy non passive aggressive reply you would think of doing? I am a very direct person and don't want to upset anyone.

Sirzy
She is 13. The girls now all together is what was originally intended. They are from all over the country so her mentioning something else for my daughter is her feeling guilty. It would be difficult to plan what is now happening again later in the summer with all the girls again. Also as she said there was only room for 3 and she asked 5. One couldn't go which left her with a child she couldn't accommodate. This unfortunately was my child.

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 21/06/2021 07:37

Aren’t the children at school?

Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 21/06/2021 07:49

Howshouldibehave
This is the invite and I was mistaken as it states a few days not a week.
Hi Theblacksheepandme, I have nothing planned for Jane this summer and she would love to invite her friends over for a few days and we'd do a local staycation. I wonder would Anna like to come and stay? We are around mostly apart from June 8-11 and last week in June .

CeeceeBloomingdale
We don't live in the UK.

Britnee
She said she has no room for her in her car.

OP posts:
Doghead · 21/06/2021 07:50

Life's too short for all this drama. Doesn't your daughter have other friends? Maybe stop micromanaging her social life and let her get on with her own life.

Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 21/06/2021 07:51

Howshouldibehave
I didn't think Mumsnet was exclusive to people only living in the UK.

OP posts:
ChaBishkoot · 21/06/2021 07:52

But if that’s her original email that’s fairly generic and suggests she would like your daughter to come for a 1:1 stay not part of a group.

Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 21/06/2021 07:52

Doghead
If your 13 year old was treated like that would you think it was ok?

OP posts:
ChaBishkoot · 21/06/2021 07:54

I read the ‘her friends over’ as in that she would have friends over at different points over the summer and one of those would be ‘Anna.’ Not that there was a fixed week with X number of girls. I don’t see any sign that this was part of an invitation to 5 girls etc.

Sirzy · 21/06/2021 07:54

Nothing in that message says it will be done as a big group though.

BirthdayCakeBelly · 21/06/2021 07:55

“Dear unkind Mum
Anna was obviously upset to see the sm pictures, it would have been nice to have known in advance about the issue with the car - I could have dropped her off at yours no problem.
As you know the relationship is v important to the girls and Anna would love the chance to meet up with them. Let me know if you would prefer for me to host next time, I’m happy to do so.”

Seeing the pictures on social media must have been like a kick in the teeth. Especially at the age they are when this sort of thing is important to them.

Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 21/06/2021 07:55

ChaBishkoot
Why is that particular group all together minus her? Only her being excluded from the group?

OP posts:
ChaBishkoot · 21/06/2021 07:58

But it’s not. It’s two from that group.
And maybe she wanted those 4.
It is unfortunate but your original OP suggested a group invite and then one that was not followed up on.
This isn’t quite that.

Tangled22 · 21/06/2021 07:58

Honestly I think this is not a big deal. The mum could have explained to you in advance that your DD was uninvited due to space, but she didn’t. It looks like a firm date was never given to your daughter - just a suggestion of a plan - so maybe the mum felt it wasn’t needed.

Just reply saying “Fair enough, let us know about anything later in the summer.” Or maybe you could host next time? Don’t cause drama.

Also at 13 the friend should probably have messaged your DD directly to explain about the car room situation and say she’d see her later in the summer. 13 is too old for you to be micromanaging friendships, I’d have been mortified at 13 for my mum to be so involved. Obviously you have to be somewhat involved with organising a trip away, but I mean you should keep your opinions of the other mum neutral, and let DD do most of the talking directly with her friends.

ChaBishkoot · 21/06/2021 08:00

And she explained why four- maybe her daughter picked these four for practical reasons and a week is a long time to have five girls.

Your OP made it sound like a formal invite had been issued and rescinded. This is more a generic invite and she has said she would be happy to have your daughter over AND explained why she couldn’t have five girls.

covidandborisandworld · 21/06/2021 08:02

I dont get why she needs to start friends if they hardly see each other As kids grow up you can't control who they are mates with so I'd just let these mates slide You don't need to fall out.

covidandborisandworld · 21/06/2021 08:02

Stay friends I meant to say.

MaBroon21 · 21/06/2021 08:09

Op, I’m thinking there’s a big backstory here and that if the girls were left to it themselves the group probably wouldn’t exist.

Far from making sure your daughter catches up with the girls soon I’d actually ask her if she’d prefer not to be part of the group anymore - it seems to mean more to the parents than the girls. Also, I’m wondering if the other mum said her daughter couldn’t go when it’s actually the girl herself who didn’t want to go and mum was to embarrassed to say so.

It may be completely ridiculous on my part but I’m thinking that there’s a tragedy involved somehow and the girls getting together is in memory of that. My apologies if I’m wrong.