Upset for my daughter

[Theblacksheepandme]

My daughter is friends with a group of five girls. They are not close friends but meet up once a year through parents organising this. They also stay in touch through social media. There is a reason for the meet up but it is personal. One of the Mums sent me a text about a month ago asking if my daughter would be free to spend a week at her house and she was going to ask all the other girls also. I asked my daughter and she was quite excited and jumped at the chance. I told her my daughter would love to go and thanked her for the invite. She informed me that she would let me know further details when she heard back from everyone else. Today my daughter was on social media and could see the girls together at this Mums house having a great time and posting pictures. I told her to send a message asking why she didn't know about this as she would like to have been there. The Mums daughter acted clueless and said she didn't know. I later received this text from the Mum. I have put fake names in place of real names. One of the other girls was not there but because her Mum said she couldn't go. AIBU that she shouldn't have sent me an invite if she was then going to do this?. She should have thought about how many her car can carry before sending an invite out to all these girls parents. I assumed she had a people carrier based on the invite to all. It looks like she needed to drop one of the girls in order to fit four in and my daughter was the one dropped. It may be that she asked her daughter to pick who she wanted. I think this should have been done in the first place and send invites out to the four girls her daughter wanted. This would have spared my daughters hurt feelings. She would still have seen photos but she would have understood that sometimes it doesn't have to include her. I want to reply to this text but want it to be civil. My daughter is not at all confrontational and does not want to upset anyone. It is important for her to remain in contact with these girls. I had doubts even to say yes to her going as this woman has in the past been quite passive aggressive with me and my husband. Below is the text. Sorry for the long rant.

Anna is more than welcome, Lucy hope to come later in the summer, so we'll plan for that. I have room for four in my car so could not have all at the same time as there is just me! Justine is a bit iffy about Covid but I'm sure we'll have them down.I am more than happy to have Anna come!

I think it was a really shitty thing to do to.

If it's important for all the girls to get together once a year, how is going to work if it's just your daughter and the other girl going. They still aren't going to see the other 3 girls, if they are meeting in smaller groups, unless a meet up again.

You want this woman to include your daughter.
She sends very detailed dates when your daughter could co-ordinate with Lucy to visit.
Then you complain about her being involved in her daughter’s social life?

I have a 13yo.
Yes, she chats directly to her friends.
But an overnight visit (especially several days) that involves other children?
Of course that goes through me!

If your daughter said she was going to Jane’s for 3 days, please drive her, you wouldn’t say, “Jane’s OK’d it with her mum, right?”

Re co-ordinating it with Lucy and reciprocal visits… I don’t get that obsession with more that 1:1 and having return visits.

It’s not just them though - you sound very involved in this parentally stage managed friendship.

I feel for your daughter - being left out is hurtful.
But the whole situation sounds confusing and odd.

Homemadearmy
I totally agree. If the Mums are arranging separate meetups amongst themselves it won't work going forward. The group will just become fragmented.

Cocomarine
My gosh is it a thing that people who log in to read posts in the evening do not read all the posts properly to get a full picture?

Cocomarine
Also I am definitely not very involved in this parentally stage managed friendship as you put it. If truth be told I only make contact with these people once a year to arrange the meet up.

I wonder if the other parents see it the same way - it is hard to imagine a situation where the group must meet as a group rather than organically shifting to different combinations as suits the personalities of the dc and practical stuff like the sizes of house and cars.

Maybe the other parents don't think it is so essential the group stays as a single group and would like it to become a bit less structured?

Some dc do better socially in smaller groups, so that might be a factor too.

@Theblacksheepandme

Homemadearmy I totally agree. If the Mums are arranging separate meetups amongst themselves it won't work going forward. The group will just become fragmented.

Does it actually matter that they don’t always meet up as one set group, as long as there is still contact between them generally?

Stompythedinosaur
You could be right. We normally meet at a hotel or park once a year. It was never at our houses though as we are all over the country. The point of all of them meeting up was to not break them up into groups and not to leave anyone out. Don't get me wrong I arranged it once but found that particular Mum and three other Mums like to be in control of organising the once a year meet ups. We just go with the flow of what they want.

Anyone with previous advice on what replies to send in the first text? Do you think I should reply to this?

This is her reply:
Of course, maybe you can co-ordinate with Lucy's Mum, to see when suits? Jane has her first 2 reciprocal visits from 30 June to 5/7 and then from July 12/16, and tennis camp from 26/7 for the week, and 9/8 for the week, she is away with her Dad from 22/8, so apart from those dates, we'd be glad to host both Anna and Lucy!

What you reply depends on what you are hoping to get from this situation. You've said a few times that parents should not manage the kids socialising but you sound concerned about replying to a message relating to it. So,
If it's important to you that your daughter gets to hang out as per the previous invitation you reply thanking her for suggesting the dates, say that you'll check with Lucy's mum and agree a date that works for Lucy, Anna and Jane together.
If it's more important to you that all six girls spend a day together then thank her for suggesting the dates, say you'll follow up with all of the other mums and find a date and location that works for everyone.
Or you could thank her for suggesting the dates, say you will let Anna know and leave it with her to follow up herself if she wants to.

@Theblacksheepandme

Anyone with previous advice on what replies to send in the first text? Do you think I should reply to this?

This is her reply:
Of course, maybe you can co-ordinate with Lucy's Mum, to see when suits? Jane has her first 2 reciprocal visits from 30 June to 5/7 and then from July 12/16, and tennis camp from 26/7 for the week, and 9/8 for the week, she is away with her Dad from 22/8, so apart from those dates, we'd be glad to host both Anna and Lucy!

Who are the reciprocal visits with-the other girls who stayed?

What reply you send depends on what outcome you want. What do you actually want to happen?

Have you answered why you can’t invite all the girls to yours?

Honestly OP none of this advice is going to be very useful without the backstory because it does seem like on the original trip with 4 girls your daughter was the one dropped. Even if the other person’s happy to host both of them now the damage is done.
Friendships are fluid as teenagers and will become even more fragile when they become adults, go up to uni etc. If your backstory reason is that important suck it up and send a pleasant reply saying that you’ll send ‘Anna’ over - otherwise drop it.

I sympathise with your dd. We had something similar and it was awful.

My dd was verbally invited to an ice skating party and sleepover with what she thought were her close group of friends in high school, year 9, pre covid. She was told the plan and date.

The friends all decided to club together for some nice jewellery as a joint present. £15 each.

Then, my dd was the only one of the group not invited, and had to see all the instagram pics instead. They even sent her one of all of them together with a “best friends together“ caption.

The excuse used was the same, not enough room in the car. But in her case it was done deliberately as it turned out.

It was the start of a vile year of social exclusion by this group of girls, who thankfully she has had the confidence to move away from now and find nicer friends, but not before her self esteem was completely ruined.

Urgh why do they do this?! Dd 12 just been utterly monstered “best friend” out of the blue for no reason that we can ascertain dropped her and then turned whole group against her - made up things dd supposedly said about the other girls so dd is out. So cruel.

Watermelon221
My daughter went through very similar at her Primary school. It nearly broke her. I sent her to counselling and boy her confidence has grown. She is finished counselling about a month ago and now this but in all fairness is handling it quite well. The counsellor asked to speak to me at the end and she had such lovely things to say about my daughter. I was so proud of her. My daughter is now in Secondary school and those particular girls went to the same school. She has nothing to do with them and has made new friends. She is still so afraid to trust though. I'm sure trust will come in time. I just think girls can be so mean and if Mums think it is acceptable to exclude, how can these girls know any better?

It’s sad when a friend betrays you hard to trust anyone again. My dd was so baffled not saying she is perfect but she would never be purposefully cruel just to hurt someone

Fortunately dd is confident I went to collect her from school today as she walked home alone on Friday and she had a new group of friends 😁.

Howshouldibehave

Who are the reciprocal visits with-the other girls who stayed? I am assuming it's the other girls that stayed.

What reply you send depends on what outcome you want. What do you actually want to happen? It sounds so stupid but it would be nice if she realised how wrong I feel she was to exclude one child.

Have you answered why you can’t invite all the girls to yours? No I haven't answered as it was never discussed. The Mums seem to have set up visits amongst themselves excluding me. I would always reciprocate an invite as I always think it is the polite thing to do. I have been there where I was the one bringing my daughters friends to things all the time but it was never reciprocated. I really am not the type to do something in order to get back but it would be nice once in a while to be considered.

MsTSwift
That is lovely to hear.

LateAtTate
I think you're right, I feel the damage is done. I feel I should just drop it until the annual meet up next year is organised by the same Mums.

I know a lot of people may say why don't I organise but I tried a few times and it was always taken over by these Mums. I then just gave up trying to include myself in the group. I am younger than them if that could be a reason?

You could always invite the girl who couldn't make it to your house for a few days.

Maybe the friendships will survive better as 2 smaller groups, 5 scattered across the country does sound hard to maintain entering teen years...

If they’re on social media can your daughter message them and invite them to hers? Then see who tries to make an effort to come. Then you’ll know if it’s the children or the parents excluding her.

I’d be upset too. She sounds insensitive x

@Theblacksheepandme

Cocomarine My gosh is it a thing that people who log in to read posts in the evening do not read all the posts properly to get a full picture?

How rude. I did read all your posts. And all the replies in fact. They’re confusing.

@Theblacksheepandme

Cocomarine Also I am definitely not very involved in this parentally stage managed friendship as you put it. If truth be told I only make contact with these people once a year to arrange the meet up.

And I’m sorry that you’ve clearly taken offence at the phrase - but this is a parentally stage managed friendship. These girls only meet up once a year, organised by the parents. Though that’s not true, as some as having reciprocal visits.

Unless these girls are sextuplets adopted out at birth, I can’t see why it is so critical that they continue to meet - driven by their parents.

I did say I feel for your daughter, and that this is hurtful.

But from everything you’ve said - it just sounds like a group where the annual meet just isn’t as important to the other kids or parents as it is to you.

Have they had the annual group meet up year?
If not I would reply to.the text saying that you would arrange a date for the sleep over after the annual meeting and maybe offer to arrange it. Then you can see group of groups of girls get on. Is your daughter closer to anybody out if the 6?