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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset for my daughter

154 replies

Theblacksheepandme · 21/06/2021 06:40

My daughter is friends with a group of five girls. They are not close friends but meet up once a year through parents organising this. They also stay in touch through social media. There is a reason for the meet up but it is personal. One of the Mums sent me a text about a month ago asking if my daughter would be free to spend a week at her house and she was going to ask all the other girls also. I asked my daughter and she was quite excited and jumped at the chance. I told her my daughter would love to go and thanked her for the invite. She informed me that she would let me know further details when she heard back from everyone else. Today my daughter was on social media and could see the girls together at this Mums house having a great time and posting pictures. I told her to send a message asking why she didn't know about this as she would like to have been there. The Mums daughter acted clueless and said she didn't know. I later received this text from the Mum. I have put fake names in place of real names. One of the other girls was not there but because her Mum said she couldn't go. AIBU that she shouldn't have sent me an invite if she was then going to do this?. She should have thought about how many her car can carry before sending an invite out to all these girls parents. I assumed she had a people carrier based on the invite to all. It looks like she needed to drop one of the girls in order to fit four in and my daughter was the one dropped. It may be that she asked her daughter to pick who she wanted. I think this should have been done in the first place and send invites out to the four girls her daughter wanted. This would have spared my daughters hurt feelings. She would still have seen photos but she would have understood that sometimes it doesn't have to include her. I want to reply to this text but want it to be civil. My daughter is not at all confrontational and does not want to upset anyone. It is important for her to remain in contact with these girls. I had doubts even to say yes to her going as this woman has in the past been quite passive aggressive with me and my husband. Below is the text. Sorry for the long rant.

Anna is more than welcome, Lucy hope to come later in the summer, so we'll plan for that. I have room for four in my car so could not have all at the same time as there is just me! Justine is a bit iffy about Covid but I'm sure we'll have them down.I am more than happy to have Anna come!

OP posts:
bluejelly · 21/06/2021 08:10

Girls this age can be fickle. I wouldn't get involved. Concentrate your energy on doing some nice things with your DD.

Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 21/06/2021 08:22

BirthdayCakeBelly
Thank you for that and yes at that age it can be difficult.

OP posts:
Thegoodandbadlife · 21/06/2021 08:24

What horrible friends a pathetic excuse from the mother whose been rumbled too! I’d reply it’s such a shame you’ve used such a pathetic excuse when I can see my car on my drive to have helped out if you really wanted my daughter there. Have a lovely time and memories have been made all around. I’d then have a lovely little weekend treat with your daughter and encourage her to cool that friendship as clearly this has shown what those girls think of her. If her friend had really wanted her there then her mother would have got in contact with you. Girls and their mothers can be right bitches and sadly don’t I know it. I hope your daughter feels better soon and find friends who really do appreciate her.

Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 21/06/2021 08:26

ChaBishkoot
The person that was not there said she couldn't go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 21/06/2021 08:32

covidandborisandworld
There are personal reasons that we keep the girls connected. Anna told me last night how she feels it is important they stay connected. As they get older they may drift apart but for the time being all the parents feel it is important.

OP posts:
Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 21/06/2021 08:35

MaBroon21
No tragedy but there is a reason.

OP posts:
Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 21/06/2021 08:38

Thegoodandbadlife
Very true.

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 21/06/2021 08:42

I understand being sad for your dd, but I don't think the other mum has done anything wrong. She can't manage the full group at once so is having people separately. Offering to have the different girls stay over is quite generous.

If you are keen on the group meeting together then you need to organise it, I would say.

Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 21/06/2021 08:50

I am not a micro managing type Mum. My daughter is extremely independent and she wouldn't allow me even if I wanted to. When I saw how hurt she looked last night it really got to me. I don't like when people treat her like shit especially when she is such a kind inclusive girl. If there was a group get together my daughter would be the first to notice if someone was missing and ask why. I haven't even been in contact with this Mum in relation to this. She text me based on my daughter messaging her daughter. I have not replied to her text. Where is the micro managing coming from just because I am upset and want to discuss this online?

OP posts:
hellogem · 21/06/2021 08:50

Am so curious as to why they need to stay connected, my mind in overdrive.

The invite doesn't state all 5 will go together at once, but did she specify the dates for when your daughter will be going over? Is that still happening? I can see Why it's upsetting that all 4 would be there and yours excluded. Am assuming you've spoken to the other mum that couldn't go.
Perhaps it's the girl that didn't want your daughter there and not the mum herself, you say it's important for your daughter to stay in touch but is that how all the girls feel still? It seems like it's more the mothers that have gotten used to the set up

Gazelda · 21/06/2021 08:53

I don't think the other mum handled this very well in terms of letting you know plans before your DD saw the social media posts, but other than that I have sympathy for her.

She's organising nice things for her DD and friends, but has inadvertently found herself in the middle of a drama.

She didn't indicate a date in her text. She didn't indicate it would be all the girls together. One of the other girls wasn't there (admittedly because she wasn't free).

I'm sad for your DD, but don't fall out with the other mum over this and don't let your DD feel as though she's being sidelined from the group. I think this would be a premature assumption.

MaBroon21 · 21/06/2021 08:53

Op, I think that without knowing what’s going on with the backstory that it’s going to be difficult for people to give a decent reply to you because I think the back story would change things a lot. Not that I’m saying you should share the back story. Far from it. And I do think your girl has been treated badly.

I’m of the belief that when you received the initial text the current group already knew who was going to the get together and that to keep the peace the mum then said, ok, but you have to have Anna over separately to make up for it (all things considered). And that’s when you received the text and it’s why other posters are saying - it just means she would go to stay with them over the summer at some stage.

I’d leave it to be honest with you and see how things are a few months down the line. You never know. Perhaps the girls themselves will be glad of not being in an enforced situation set up by the parents.

hellogem · 21/06/2021 08:54

Did the girl reply to your daughter though with a reasoning? If not, I would assume it's the girl tHt didn't want her there which is why she told her mum about the message she received

Bluntness100 · 21/06/2021 08:55

Honestly this friendship is important to your child. Let her sort it. Just respond and say thanks and no worries. Leave it there. There is nothing you can say that will not cause an issue.

AbsolutelyPatsy · 21/06/2021 08:55

sounds like it was a mistake , or something, put a brave face on it op, let her sort out her own dealings at 13 she should be imo

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 21/06/2021 08:56

I understand why you are upset for your daughter.

The original message does not read to me, though, like it was ever intended that they should all come at the same time. And given the Mother would have always known about the limits on her own car I don’t think she ever could have intended that.

I would reply and say this:

“I understand. DD would really like to spend some time with (her DD); either in a group, or 1:1. Let me know what dates would be convenient.

Then sign off how you normally would. I’d keep it very simple with this other mother. Let your DD talk through her feelings with you. Don’t make it into a bigger deal than it is (though I recognise it is upsetting).

Would you be able to invite this other girl to stay with you? Or have the group at your house?

Aprilx · 21/06/2021 09:02

I wouldn’t have seen the first email as a specific invitation to a group event, it doesn’t even mention dates. It seemed to be more if a generic enquiry to see if your daughter would be around and if you would be agreeable to a few nights away.

Howshouldibehave · 21/06/2021 09:05

If the important thing is your daughter seeing her friends, I’d just invite them all to yours to stay for a few days.

Zari29 · 21/06/2021 09:12

Op her mum didn't confirm a date though? She just asked if you would be open to it but nothing confirmed. And if she can accommodate a certain number then it seems like she was planning a few get togethers especially as she mentioned she is available most of the summer.

Beautiful3 · 21/06/2021 09:19

That is odd, I'd find that strange. I would offer to drop mine off next time so she's not left out again.

RainingZen · 21/06/2021 09:26

I don't think it is worth getting so tangled up over. It was a misstep by the other mum, and I agree it is not at all nice to leave your DD out.

If I was brave, I'd reply truthfully and say something like this:

"Okay understood. Just to mention that DD had hurt feelings when she saw the others posting pics of them having fun without her, so there may be some bridges to mend there. Another time, better not to invite more than you have capacity for, as it is hard being the least important one de-selected from the group! Hope we can still arrange a catch up over the summer time, as DD would love to spend time with your DD."

Pinkdelight3 · 21/06/2021 09:35

If it's a stay of several days, then dropping her off isn't going to solve the car issue. She'd need to fit everyone in for outings during the stay.

Clearly there's a secret backstory, but it's unusual to have this situation where the parents manage the friendship around an annual meeting, and now they're teens this is bound to start evolving into something else. If you want some control over it, invite them all to yours. This mum has just done what works best for her and her DD and from the messages it sounds like your DD is still wanted and invited at another time. It's a large group to have for a longer stay so makes sense to me, but can see that the misunderstanding must hurt. I wouldn't make things more awkward though when she's not really done anything wrong. A 'fair enough' type response, moving on to arranging the next meet-up (at yours or hers) would be the way to go.

MsTSwift · 21/06/2021 09:43

Do you yourself arrange things for the girls and take them all away for the week? It’s quite a big deal and entirely up to the hosts who to invite. Your dd is not entitled to anything from this mother.

Sympathy though we have had a weekend dealing with 13 year old girl evilness too. We have boosted up dd to deal with it herself and am sitting on my hands and not contacting the mothers of the girls involved as it always backfires…suggest you do the same !

MaBroon21 · 21/06/2021 09:50

Your dd is not entitled to anything from this mother

I suspect the backstory would suggest there’s an onus on everyone involved in this.

Howshouldibehave · 21/06/2021 10:05

If there is a backstory that’s relevant here, can you post it, otherwise it’s all rather unhelpful, surely?