Upset for my daughter

[Theblacksheepandme]

My daughter is friends with a group of five girls. They are not close friends but meet up once a year through parents organising this. They also stay in touch through social media. There is a reason for the meet up but it is personal. One of the Mums sent me a text about a month ago asking if my daughter would be free to spend a week at her house and she was going to ask all the other girls also. I asked my daughter and she was quite excited and jumped at the chance. I told her my daughter would love to go and thanked her for the invite. She informed me that she would let me know further details when she heard back from everyone else. Today my daughter was on social media and could see the girls together at this Mums house having a great time and posting pictures. I told her to send a message asking why she didn't know about this as she would like to have been there. The Mums daughter acted clueless and said she didn't know. I later received this text from the Mum. I have put fake names in place of real names. One of the other girls was not there but because her Mum said she couldn't go. AIBU that she shouldn't have sent me an invite if she was then going to do this?. She should have thought about how many her car can carry before sending an invite out to all these girls parents. I assumed she had a people carrier based on the invite to all. It looks like she needed to drop one of the girls in order to fit four in and my daughter was the one dropped. It may be that she asked her daughter to pick who she wanted. I think this should have been done in the first place and send invites out to the four girls her daughter wanted. This would have spared my daughters hurt feelings. She would still have seen photos but she would have understood that sometimes it doesn't have to include her. I want to reply to this text but want it to be civil. My daughter is not at all confrontational and does not want to upset anyone. It is important for her to remain in contact with these girls. I had doubts even to say yes to her going as this woman has in the past been quite passive aggressive with me and my husband. Below is the text. Sorry for the long rant.

Anna is more than welcome, Lucy hope to come later in the summer, so we'll plan for that. I have room for four in my car so could not have all at the same time as there is just me! Justine is a bit iffy about Covid but I'm sure we'll have them down.I am more than happy to have Anna come!

I will definitely be letting her organise these meet ups herself from now on as I do for all other meetups she has with other friends. It really is not up to Mums to organise these anymore. Certainly not at 13 onwards.

Aprilx
Lovely

I said up-thread I'd be pissed off. 🤷‍♀️

What i'd do about it would very much depend on the outcome I'd wish to effect.

Honestly, OP, sorry I've pissed you off - but, as I said, it was only offered as one possible interpretation amongst many.

The great joy of MN is that you get a range and you can choose. And unlike asking friends in RL, you really do get to choose freely. Ultimately, we're far more disinterested than RL friends.

The downside is that we have less information.

But that's fine, really, because you will have and you can choose the responses that 'fit' best.

Good luck.

SnorkMaidensTummy
It's possible it will become outlived. I really think these meetings should be arranged between themselves but I can't tell the other parents what to do. I think if they had to do it themselves it would show how committed they are to keeping it going.

thecatfromjapan
You did piss me off but that's ok and thanks for your apology.

I get that you don't want to divulge your DDs connection to these girls but without at least a general context to their mutual connection it's hard to say whether it is something you should pursue or let drop.

If it is something like they all have a medical condition, where having a support group of other people with the same condition can be a great resource especially as they get older and more independent; or they're all adopted from abroad and came from the same orphanage so keeping a connection to their heritage is important etc then I would advocate for you to continue trying to work on the relationship between your DD and the other girls as there are wider support needs for the girls to stay in contact.

If however it's something like they were all in the same NICU ward or your DDs were a playgroup set that grew up and moved away etc where there is no "need" to keep in contact beyond the natural lifespan of the initial friendship, I would say to cut your losses and accept that the friendship has run its course and I would let the annual meet up drop as clearly your DDs aren't close if they only meet up once a year and only when the parents organise it.

My DD was born when her dad and I were living in Spain and she lived there until she was 7, at which point we moved back to the UK permanently. She had lots of friends in Spain - from neighbourhood kids, preschool/school friends, friends from activities and clubs etc - so when we moved she was devastated to leave them all behind. Now, 5 years later, she still stays in regular contact with maybe 4-5 of her best friends via facetime/postcards/emails etc and we try to accommodate at least one visit back to Spain a year so she can go and see them all and we have had a few of them come to visit on a 1:1 basis for long weekends etc. The other friendships all fell to the wayside because, while DD hated missing out on social occasions with them, she wasn't interested in maintaining regular contact independently of me prodding her to call/message etc.

It sounds like the mum meant for different friends to come at different times, but didn't explain it well.
She seems a bit flaky, but not being intentionally rude with this.

Totally understand your DD being upset, tho.

This is such an AIBU - yes you are - no I am not thread.

Her message does not sound like it invites everyone but if sent to everyone in a joint message could be interpreted as that.

@Theblacksheepandme

NCwhatsmynameagain Thanks for that. I sent the Mum a text saying what you said.

No problem OP, hope it gets sorted in a way that alleviates your DD disappointment/upset/confusion (and yours on her behalf). I totally get where you’re coming from.

I agree that parental interference in friendships always makes these things worse. A fully grown adult really should realise that inviting part of a group that previously all met together and allowing the excluded to find out would be hurtful. Some parents just don’t care as long as they are networking with the right people and their family is happy (they’re usually outraged when someone does it to them). I’d just see it as a learning experience, it’s not a nice thing but it does teach kids about how to treat other people. I’d just explain to her that sometimes people are insensitive. It seems that they do care about her as they’ve bothered to text, sometimes it’s not about the kids it’s about the relationships the adults have and maybe she’s closer to the other parents, or maybe that group get on with no friction, or maybe they just didn’t think. People make mistakes, if it happens repeatedly then it’s definitely time to call an end to that friendship. It is very hard to see your child go through this but it is part of growing up for the majority and happens to even the loveliest of people

Yes the mother that invited you, should have let you know about the altered plans before your daughter saw them on social media. I suspect you daughter was invited out of obligation rather than choice.

If the girls really wanted your daughter to be there … they would have informed her via sm. unfortunately these things happen in friendship groups. It’s best she learns to deal with these kind of disappointments in a mature fashion.

With regards the original invitation, you can tell the mum that your disappointment that you weren’t kept up to date with the changes and Anne was sad she missed out on the week stay over.

It could just be something as simple as Anna and absent Lucy being better together. Since she couldn't have them all at once she divided them into Jane plus the 3 (the girls there now) and Jane plus 2 (Anna and Lucy).

From what you have posted, there doesn't seem to have ever been an intention that they would all be there together and Lucy's other commitments determined how they would be divided.

I'd be really upset if something like this happened to my daughter. I could be way off the mark, but I'm guessing these girls all have something in common like all being adopted from the same place at the same time. If it's something like that then it is an important part of their shared history and heritage. If they are/were part of a group like that then keeping in contact might be more important to them in the future than it is now, but I don't know how you balance that against them hurting you now, even though it may have been accidental.

Maybe suggest a meet-up somewhere central for everybody?

It's quite possible that you'll never be certain whether this was a scatty miscommunication on her part or a sneaky snub that she's now backpedalling from.

Only question is whether you want to have the 3 girls have a second staycation as per her suggestion. I might be inclined to take the risk (if DD actually wants to) but with a proviso that if there's any hint of bad feeling towards DD or a sense that they didn't really want her there that you'll come straight over and collect her.

Op, it just gets worse. All of those reciprocal visits? Is your girl going to any of them?

It’s like a minefield and I’m honestly hoping that the whole blooming thing comes to a stop.

Is the reason for these contrived meet ups really worth it?

Just why couldn’t that mum have said to you, without going into anything else - how about these two dates. Are either of them good for you?

I’d just invite all of the girls to stay at yours, OP-if them all getting together is very important to you and DD. Can you do that?

This is what I sent:
I misunderstood but I took it to mean you were having Anna and the rest of the girls over for the staycation at the same time, hence Anna's confusion that you’ve had the others over together without her. Except for Lucy but she could not go. If I’ve got that wrong what had you originally intended, so we can plan that and I can let Anna know?

This is her reply:
Of course, maybe you can co-ordinate with Lucy's Mum, to see when suits? Jane has her first 2 reciprocal visits from 30 June to 5/7 and then from July 12/16, and tennis camp from 26/7 for the week, and 9/8 for the week, she is away with her Dad from 22/8, so apart from those dates, we'd be glad to host both Anna and Lucy!

My fucking head is wrecked. Why do Mums feel they need to control who their daughters are friends with based on the Mums they like. Surely it is important to allow your child at a certain age to make their own decisions on who they want to be friends with. It does not matter to me what my daughters friends parents are like. Some of them I don't like but the child is lovely.

Hmmm it sounds like she’s avoided the question and is focussing on the latter point which is making alternative plans, which makes it seem more like what you had suspected, rather than a simple misunderstanding. That’s my view anyway.
Otherwise if it had been me I would’ve said oh no we’d never have just left Anna out, I was always intending to arrange separate visits blah blah blah

Your original post is quite confusing. Regardless I think it's strange that you're getting so involved with your daughters friendships at 13. They obviously didn't want her there. Encourage her to make other friends and move on

DancingQueen85
What do you find confusing and I can try to simplify it for you. Also I am definitely not involved in my daughters friendships. If you read my posts you would see how I am not involved in any of my daughters friendships. This particular group we felt as parents was important to keep in contact. They meet once a year but by the sound of it Mums getting others together based on the Mothers friendships. This is fine but boy it would be easier to just let them make plans amongst themselves without parents organising for them.

@Theblacksheepandme
Read back your post. It's very hard to follow that's what's confusing.
I would have been mortified if my mum had messaged another parents about why I hadn't been invited to something at the age of 13. You've asked for advice but ignored it and messaged the Mum anyway.
My 7 year old DC was recently not invited to a party by a child in their class who they consider to be a close friend. We've had this child to parties, play dates etc. My DC was devastated which was very hard to watch, so I do sympathise with that. However I have not contacted the parent because I think that is clearly inappropriate.

Just be honest and polite. Thanks for getting back to me…. My daughter was very upset that she was not included, maybe I miss understood the original invite? Not to worry I’m sure the girls would all love to meet up again soon. You could also offer to arrange a meet up. It was probably an honest mistake, I can’t imagine any mother deliberately excluding a child.

Op, could you reply along the lines of -

Thank you for suggesting the dates the girls could get together but quite honestly this whole thing has left such a nasty taste in my mouth that I’d prefer to leave things as they are.

DancingQueen85
Please just read the post properly as it was her parent that contacted me when my daughter spoke with her daughter. I under no circumstances made contact with her first and was letting my daughter deal with it herself. She asked my advice and I told her she should ask why she was not there. I explained in a previous post that if someone treats you like shit than why should you not ask them why? I also received lots of advice on what replies to send the Mum. In fact I had so many it was difficult to pick the best reply to send. I am not ignoring the advice I am getting. You have to understand that I have received lots of different advice. I chose to pick what I think was an appropriate thing to do. There is no need to be rude by telling me you would be mortified if your Mother did what I did. I am not here to argue with people and I am trying to be a good Mum. Just because I may parent differently to you does not mean my daughter is mortified to have me as her Mother.