Upset for my daughter

[Theblacksheepandme]

My daughter is friends with a group of five girls. They are not close friends but meet up once a year through parents organising this. They also stay in touch through social media. There is a reason for the meet up but it is personal. One of the Mums sent me a text about a month ago asking if my daughter would be free to spend a week at her house and she was going to ask all the other girls also. I asked my daughter and she was quite excited and jumped at the chance. I told her my daughter would love to go and thanked her for the invite. She informed me that she would let me know further details when she heard back from everyone else. Today my daughter was on social media and could see the girls together at this Mums house having a great time and posting pictures. I told her to send a message asking why she didn't know about this as she would like to have been there. The Mums daughter acted clueless and said she didn't know. I later received this text from the Mum. I have put fake names in place of real names. One of the other girls was not there but because her Mum said she couldn't go. AIBU that she shouldn't have sent me an invite if she was then going to do this?. She should have thought about how many her car can carry before sending an invite out to all these girls parents. I assumed she had a people carrier based on the invite to all. It looks like she needed to drop one of the girls in order to fit four in and my daughter was the one dropped. It may be that she asked her daughter to pick who she wanted. I think this should have been done in the first place and send invites out to the four girls her daughter wanted. This would have spared my daughters hurt feelings. She would still have seen photos but she would have understood that sometimes it doesn't have to include her. I want to reply to this text but want it to be civil. My daughter is not at all confrontational and does not want to upset anyone. It is important for her to remain in contact with these girls. I had doubts even to say yes to her going as this woman has in the past been quite passive aggressive with me and my husband. Below is the text. Sorry for the long rant.

Anna is more than welcome, Lucy hope to come later in the summer, so we'll plan for that. I have room for four in my car so could not have all at the same time as there is just me! Justine is a bit iffy about Covid but I'm sure we'll have them down.I am more than happy to have Anna come!

I'm going to guess previously close friends but now boarders at different schools/countries back in home country but only because I've seen similar dynamics. If there's no trauma backstory I don't think it really matters.

Regardless I think this is bad communication rather than malicious. So the question is what does your daughter want?

• Keep friendship at same level. In which case I'd be proactive and organise a second staycation at yours for all the girls so you can ensure it takes place and is inclusive.
• Dial it back a bit because time and distance at 13 usually means actually she is less close (regardless of original reason for friendship) then I suggest you accept the other mum's apology and work out when your DD can go over with all or some of girls (but know it may or may not happen)

If your DD is really hurt, especially after a couple of days away from SM and time to reflect, at 13 she should call this out to her mates directly. And all you need to do is acknowledge that she is hurt to the other mum (presumably also a friend of yours?) and hopefully next time they meet up they can all be together - and let her know you'll let the girls sort it. At 13 I'd expect her to have a quiet word with her daughter about SM and sensitivity around friendships and again let the girls sort it.

Meantime get your DD off dwelling on it on SM and maybe organize something she can do with local or closer friends. 13 is a tough age socially especially as parents step back and kids take on responsibility for their own friendship choices, but I'd keep it all bright and breezy and hopefully your DD will move on unscathed after the initial hurt.

You say there is a reason for them to be in touch but that they are not close friends, so I don't think I could get worked up about some of them meeting without everyone.
Your reaction and/or your daughter's reaction suggests either you or her want there to me more of a friendship or at least more connection, is that the case? In which case, follow up by arranging something yourself and invite the others over to you.
I would expect its poor communication or organisation on the part of the other mother rather than a deliberate attempt to exclude your daughter.

RainingZen
I love your reply but I don't know if I am brave enough. I was not going to interfere but she sent me the text after my daughter messaged her daughter. I was actually going to let my daughter handle it. My daughter could send something like you suggest if she wants. I dont know now if I am rude ignoring the Mums text.

I don't understand why the parents of 5 young girls feel it is so important they stay in touch by meeting together once a year. What am I missing here?

@sunshinesupermum

I don't understand why the parents of 5 young girls feel it is so important they stay in touch by meeting together once a year. What am I missing here?

No-I agree. Are they ante-natal babies or something? Is it that the mums were originally friends?

No matter though, you obviously can’t dictate what the other mums do-but you have control over what you do. Why not invite all of them to stay at yours for the week, @Theblacksheepandme?

It is very personal and although I came online asking for help which I am really appreciating. I am not divulging something that is very personal to my daughter.

The way I read it, she sent out invites to four girls saying would they like to come and stay at some point over the summer. She presumably then got some replies, saying yes, and perhaps with what restrictions they have on dates. She realises she can't have more than three at a time, so she invites two this week, and plans to invite the other two later on. Maybe the first two could only do earlier on, and so the obvious split would be to invite yours with the one who couldn't do this week.

I think the awkwardness came because of the social media photos; I think a lot of people need to think before posting photos about whether they will be seen by someone who will feel left out. Teens can be forgiven for not thinking that one through. Mum should perhaps have thought of it, and made sure the invite for later in the summer was issued before the first meet, but she didn't.

I don't think the matter needs to be overcomplicated by whatever reason the girls meet up...Op, yanbu. It was the height of rudeness for the invitation to be extended and then not followed through. You don't invite someone and then withdraw the invitation without an exceptional reason, let alone have the event go ahead without them and without even the basic courtesy of an explanation.

If there was a logistical issue in transporting all the girls the mother should have dealt with this - or liaised to make make plans to do so - at the time of the invite. She was clearly hedging her bets, the same way ppl now do by cancelling plans because something better has come along.

The mother should be apologising unreservedly to your dd and you, not making it sound like she's doing your dd a favour by planning to arrange something another time. If I was treated like this I would walk away from the friendship but I appreciate your dd is young and doesn't feel this way.

I'm not sure I can help compose a reply to this woman because I think you ought to be forthright, if civil, to this woman and I doubt that would have the hoped for outcome. If you have an otherwise good relationship with her, perhaps phone call would be better where you can control your tone and explain that its very hurtful and better communication would have been appreciated.

Hope your dd is OK.

lanthanum
She sent invites to 5 girls. One of the girls is not allowed go at all. The other 3 are together now leaving my daughter at home. My daughter was free this week.

TaraR2020
What a lovely reply and really understanding.

But you don’t know she sent invites to five girls.
How do you know that??? That is not what the email to you suggests.

She sent you a generic email with no actual dates. And asked when Anna would be free?

And then from a group of SIX she invited four on one day. I am failing to see the issue.
And when asked she explained why she invited four.

How far do you live from her, surprised the mum didn't offer to have her round now, possible could've asked you drop her off?
Have you spoken to the mother that declined the invitation? How do you know it was definitely all 5 girls together for that invite that Anna received.
It's still hurtful as it means 3 of them are having a great time leaving your daughter out.
The car issue doesn't make sense to me, how is it due to space, one member dropped out, so she has a free space available?

ChaBishkoot
The invite was sent to the 5 girls and one is not allowed go. Therefore leaving 4 girls. All 3 are there. Leaving my daughter the only one not there from the whole group which were allowed to go. Would you not wonder if it was your daughter why she was the one to be excluded? Did they do s wo do you like least which is not a nice way to bring up a child. My daughter discussed it with all of them at the time of the invites a few weeks back. Nothing more was discussed after that. I know there are dynamics within groups but I would never allow my daughter to exclude a child that said they could come. By doing that I would be teaching her that it is acceptable to exclude people which is shitty. If she had car issues knowing she would have problems she should have thought about that before she sent an invite to all 5 on the same day.

If your daughter wants to let it go, let it go.

Ultimately, this is your daughter's friendship group and she probably has a fairly good idea as to how she wants to handle it.

Yes, it would annoy me. But you have to step back and start gifting your confidence in your daughter's wisdom and ability to deal with stuff. Sure, watch out for her. But the biggest gift you can give is your assurance that she is valuable and capable. That pays dividends in the long run.

(Not saying you can't hold a massive, secret grudge against this mother forever more. 😁)

hellogem
Geographically we are all over the place and not near each other. Thr nearest family to me are an hour and a half drive away. Logistically speaking it would have taken more than a spur of the moment to organise this. Three girls in the back and her daughter in the front is four. Six girls in total minus one that cant go is 5. She is one too many to drive them around. I thought when she asked all of them on the same day that she must drive a family carrier or whatever those cars are called.

Also, the easiest way to deal with this is to organise a get-together yourself.

And don't be petty - invite all of them.

You want them to stay in touch, so organise that.

It really is easier than trying to control the actions of others. Realistically, there's nothing you can do about other mother. 🤷‍♀️

Op, the more you stress the invitation was extended to 5 girls and they had even discussed it together the more inclined I am to believe your daughter was on the end of deliberate snub. Someone somewhere along the line had to decide who was going to miss out because of the supposed lack of transport (which I don’t believe was the problem the mum has said of was) and I think the girl who’s house they’re at said ok, I’d like x y and z to come.

Honestly I wouldn’t be in any rush to organise another get together and I’d leave it now to settle down for a while.

The pictures were put on social media deliberately and to be honest they don’t sound like a nice bunch of girls at all.

MaBroon21
I completely agree with you. I also agree that her daughter picked who she wanted. That really would not be a problem but then don't send an invite not really wanting my daughter to accept. I really don't think my dsughter would have had an issue if she never got the invite but to get an invite and then be snubbed is hurtful. She may still be a little hurt seeing the pictures on social media but you can't make people invite you to things if they don't want you.

I understand how you feel and would feel exactly the same.

Today my daughter was on social media and could see the girls together at this Mums house having a great time and posting pictures. I told her to send a message asking why she didn't know about this as she would like to have been there.

OP, my advice would be not to encourage your DD to message them to ask why she was excluded, and certainly not to message them during the event when they are all there together, as this could prove humiliating for DD and could make her look quite desperate, especially if you think she was deliberately excluded.

It sounds to me like you're an open person and are obviously upset, but it's worth remembering that not everyone thinks that way and encouraging your DD to push for an explanation in that situation is unlikely to help her resolve any issues with those friends.

I also think that kind of thing is best dealt with face-to-face and 1:1 if DD wanted to find out the truth (or at least find out something) about why she wasn't included, and to work out what the issue was.

@Theblacksheepandme

Op, it hurts like blazes when our children are treated badly by their peers/friends/chums whatever and I well understand why you’re upset. You sound like a lovely woman who knows the difference between decent behaviour and what has gone on here and your girl will be all the better for you helping her through the minefield that growing up is.

I feel very heavy hearted for the both of you.

Could you not just clarify with her, say oh listen maybe I misunderstood but I took it to mean you were having DD and other friends over for the staycation at the same time, hence my/DD confusion that you’ve had the other friends over together without her. If I’ve got that wrong what had you originally intended, so we can plan that and I can let DD know?

I would be hurt by this too. If the girls normally all get together and there had been a message about a possible meet up then later I saw they had all got together except my child (and one who couldn’t go) I would be upset. And if she did have good reason to exclude one (I can’t think of one but you never know) she should have had the common courtesy to keep pictures off social media and/or let you know in advance that she had only been able to accommodate 3 in the end.

None of my business but I’m guessing the personal connection is siblings who were taken into care and adopted by different families, or siblings conceived with the same sperm donor.

MaBroon21
Thanks MaBroon22 it really is a minefield. I think mean girls grow up to be mean Mums.

LonginesPrime
Why not confront people and ask why when their behaviour is shitty?

If these girls meet up once a year (organised by Patents) then they really aren’t close friends so if it was me I would move on and not worry about this group of ‘friends’ as they are not real friends.

Explain that even Parents can be Insensitive and Thoughtless and encourage her to make local friends at school or clubs.