To feel a bit sad for my DS 16

[MagnificentBottom]

My DS 16, just left school. He’s not academic, didn’t like school or get particularly good exam grades, messed around a lot, hung around with the more ‘spirited’, but he’s essentially a good person who has a good heart. His girlfriend is very bright, just got great GCSE results and this weekend her friend organised a party to celebrate leaving school.
My DS was not invited, when she asked why she was told it was because he was in the wrong ‘friendship group’ and others felt intimidated by his presence. She also said that people generally when they see him deliberately walk on the other side of the road to avoid him. He’s tall, wears hoodies and a base ball cap. AIBU to think this is incredibly petty or are teenagers generally this fickle?

@quizqueen

Is spirited another word for badly behaved?

Always.

People generally judge others based on stereotypes/first impressions especially at first glance and when you don’t have the chance to get to know them.

I think if it affects your DS maybe encourage him to change his fashion to making him less intimidating to people.

@Guavafish - I'd imagine the drug use, attitude and shoplifting have more to do with it than clothes.......

I know this is completely off point. But how is it still socially acceptable to leave education at 16 in the UK? It isn’t even legal here (I don’t mean just education to get into uni, it can be learning a trade etc).

Definitely more to the store my DH is tall, wears hoodies & hats… no one avoids him?! Or did when he was a teenager.

@PiersPlowman

The die has been cast, OP. Your son has a life in and out of prison to look forward to, but seeing as you are not troubled by this, neither are we!

Sounds a distinct possibility.

AIBU to think this is incredibly petty or are teenagers generally this fickle?

Not petty at all. They gave good reasons.

Well he is a bit annoying - he pisses me off all the time

I wonder where he gets that from 🤔

@MagnificentBottom I would be mortified if my son turned out to be anything like your son. As an ex teacher I can completely imagine the type of person your son is. The party was held by people who have achieved good GCSE grades DESPITE of your son's (and his friends') behaviour destroying every lesson. I can wholeheartedly understand why they don't want anything to do with any of them being there. He sounds like a completely and utter twat.

As to you finding it funny is unbelievable. I wouldn't want my son mixing with your son, even if you would consider it a life lesson for my son to be able to mix with all and sundry to get a "balanced view of the world" or whatever bullshit phrase you used. There are enough people in this world where he can mix with nice, kind, intelligent human beings. I would be taking a long hard look in the mirror and then consider whether you have made the best decisions as to where your son has ended up.

I can’t believe s/he’s got you all addressing her/him by that name. 🙄

Would love to know what kind of job your mum gets for you aged 16 that leads to a “lucrative career”

If “people generally” cross the road to avoid my child I would be focussing in that tbh.

@MagnificentBottom "Yes, he has done a lot that I am proud of, although I don’t think I’ve mentioned it here"

Maybe you should mention it. It might justify your stance that you're God's gift to parenting?

@sanityisamyth

“ I would be taking a long hard look in the mirror and then consider whether you have made the best decisions as to where your son has ended up.”

Hear, hear.

It would seem that there are “parents” out there who feel their obligation to their offspring ends with the post coital Kleenex and cigarette.

We, as parents, owe our kids the best start in life and that means, amongst many other things, doing by our best to ensure they have a good education, and to guide and shepherd them to keep them, by and large, on the straight and narrow. It should not fall to teachers to remedy feckless parenting.

Failure to act in one’s child’s best interests is IMHO a form of child abuse, and I would quite happily see “parents” like the OP prosecuted.

Have read most of this and am still non the wiser.

OP are there aspects of your son's behaviour that you are concerned about? Is he behaving badly?

We know that he wears hoodies and has friends who are considered difficult. We also know that he has been considered 'intimidating'. Objectively non of this is evidence of bad behaviour.

As far as I can see you have said nothing more than this and there has been a lot of supposition by posters.

Either there is some back story or your son is missunderstood? I get that you are protective of your son but I am sure you know deep down what is really going on.

Would love to know what kind of job your mum gets for you aged 16 that leads to a “lucrative career”

Chief Exec of the fruit section at the local ASDA.

@RickiTarr

Just setting up camp 🏕 for the deletion message 😊

Me too!

Op has a busy morning so I reckon she'll have a little cry and email MNHQ at lunchtime.

YABU
On 2 points;

1. We are still subject to COVID restrictions so this girl should only have 6 at her party
2. It's her party she can invite who she likes.

Yanbu to be sad as no one can tell you how to feel. However… yab massively u about the situation more broadly.

His GF’s friends say they find him and his friends intimidating. Why would they invite him?

And why should his GF choose?

Being seen to be intimidating isn’t a positive thing (intentional or not). He might well find that if this perception is widespread it will hold him back from more things than not being invited to certain parties.

OP has described my high school bullies to a T. Complete with the parents who find their awful behaviour funny and charming.

To the pp who asked about education yes it is necessary for a child to remain in education until age 18 in the Uk. I suspect the job is an apprenticeship where he will also have to attend college

Actually just checked abs that’s wrong. You can leave school at 16 in wales

Because finding someone intimidating is not the same as behaving in an intimidating way

This is the wrong way to approcah this. If people found my sons intimidating I would be trying to identify why and change this, as it is going to hold him back and limit his opportunities.

If people find him initimidating, he very possibly is behaving in an intimidating way.

I think OP is not taking this seriously. I would be concerned at the deeper issues here. Others find him intimidating. Some boys in hoodies are, and you can barely see their faces.

And being in the 'spirited' group. The ones who don't show respect and cause trouble? Why would you allow that to happen all the way through school? It should've been acting bad right at the beginning. And it is very easy to do you see your child down and you clearly say to them that you expect very good behaviour in school. that's it. It's that simple.

If a child isn't bright but works hard and is diligent and respectful to teachers and they don't get good grades that's fine.

But I bet many teachers considered op's ds a very disruptive child and was probably frustrated that he had potential. I bet school tried to talk to op about this but got nowhere.

All the local schools here are very good,quite strict, if there are any problems, Child isn't reaching their potential, or they have some pastoral care issues - they phone the Mum to advise them that they are not sure the child is making the correct friendship choices etc, every school round here are on the phone to parents very quickly.

Perhaps it’s a wake up call that your son needs. People do prejudge you with the way you look and who you hang out with. It may be cool to hang out with the spirited kids at school not so much when you leave school. If he’s a good hearted boy I’m sure he will be ok.

I’m very confident and happy with my parenting

😊